My eyes don't seem to want to stay in this openly, burning position that they stand. All I can think about is sleep and what Jason must be dreaming of this very second. The worst feeling in the world is waking up too early while you watch another party sleep soundly and nestled comfortably within the blankets. But if I want to spend the nights with Jay then I have to take some responsibility and do the whole school thing.

I went to Jay's last night at like 8:00pm to hang out with Jess, I honestly didn't think he'd be home until 9 or 10....so I wanted to get my toothbrush and blankets just in case we broke up. I was most shocked to hear his voice as he walked through the door and closer to the couch where I sunk with humiliation. I assumed he probably wasn't going to call me and then to see me at his house he felt obligated to talk to me. How horrible...I suggested we walk outside to smoke a cigarette and apologized for being there. He looked at me with astonished features and laughed because he didn't care in the least bit. Shane and Jessica went to the movies so we had some time to talk. We took a shower, which I was reluctant to agree to...but my heart filled with hope as in the middle of a conversation he said,

"You know that we are going to get back together, because I know we are"

I looked at him with a stillness so serious and replied that I didn't have any clue what would happen. But obviously he wouldn't want me to be there and he wouldn't want me to spend the night if he didn't want to be with me. So now we are taking things one at a time and going back into it slow. He doesn't like it that we work together because of all the drama it seems to cause but there isn't much I can do about that. I said we could get different days off so that way we wouldn't see eachother during the week, but I don't know that it will always work out that way. I'll do anything to be with him; to have him be the one to make me happy and nobody else. I'm so into him it's sickening...
Last night we cuddled and did a few things we probably shouldn't have, but I felt okay cause we fell asleep holding hands. I questioned him over and over about him playing games and using me...but I already knew the answer.
He isn't using me for anything at all...

If he was, he'd never drop me cause he knows that we have sex and I buy/do things for him. A real asshole would keep that and use me till I've got nothing left. Clayton did it, and I can see Jason isn't like that at all.

I grow weary trying to defend myself and make him understand that I'm myself and unlike anyone else he's known before. It's always walking a fine line with him, for I never know if someone is going to cause something that he'll call "drama", and who knows when or if I'll get a call from He Who Must Never Be Mentioned. Last night we both did our own thing and this morning he greeted me at work with a kiss! I was so happy, and he sat down to eat something with me so I was in a great mood. Not even an hour after that he walks up with a stupid little note saying, "We need to stop seeing eachother- I can't date someone I work with"

BULLSHIT MOTHER FUCKER!

I knew right away what it was about:
That morning Steve and I were TALKING and he was being perverted. Somehow, someway it got back to Jay that I was flirting. I know for a fact that I was not because the second I heard what Steve was talking about, I told him to be quiet and that he had a sick mind. I thought of Jason and I kept my flirtacious mouth shut. Oh I would have a ball flirting with him and kidding around all day but I don't. Nor do I do that with anyone since Jason has called me a flirt. So naturally I went in the back office and cried for a minute and then decided to stay late when I head he was working a double. I'm sneaky like that! So at like 4:30 I saw his shirt untucked and he was carrying a cigarette...

"Oh no!" I thought, "he's not working a double! And I'm not going to be able to stop him outside and talk to him"

I dropped everything and ran outside to catch him, which I did! I could have gotten fired for just walking out but a sweetheart covered my ass and took care of my business. I argued with him for 10 minutes about how I wasn't flirting and I went through the WHOLE scenario, then for another 20 minutes I spilled my heart out on the asphalt while he spit on it and didn't look at me once.

My heart hurt a lot.

I've never been so happy with a person and the last thing I wanted to do was lose him! I locked hands with his and made him look into my eyes, I rubbed his back and clenched onto his stomach. He was giving in when I let go of his hand and he was still holding on, so I had some hope. He said that we would talk tonight and that he's really confused about a lot of things...he's the most unstable person I have met! Before I left work he said he'd call when he got out and we'd go to his house or he'd drive here. I hope things go my way, he should realize at the sight of me that I'm not here to decieve him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. He's got nothing to lose with me.
The thought of him not calling or not talking to me tonight, makes me cry almost instantly. I have to push those pessemistic ideas away or else I'll have a mental breakdown.
It's sad how much I care for him, the lengths I'd go and what I'm willing to do to be with him.

From my point of view:
I'd be scared. Shocked as well as perplexed, but more on the scared side to be precise. I'd look at him with blank, emotionless eyes and see only an image I'd want to fade quickly away from my sight. Why would I want to behold someone who spoke such words? After a three week period, the last thing I want to see is a desperate heart looking for permanent comfort. So the fright in me is what would make me run away and have little to no desire of returning. After hearing radical confessions of infatuation and devotion, anyone would be out the door not wasting the time to close it behind them. I might be a little leiniant and rethink the previous events and the type of person it is, but in the end logic rules and I'd willingly be alone.
So how could I; being the very example of what I'd be afraid of, actually not hold back and reveal the truth to him? Deeming from MY reaction and how I would take it, I can only imagine how he would behave at the sound of my heart's truth. If truth be told, I'd let down my guard tomorrow and allow all that which comes from a lifetime of companionship. For in my vulnerable self I know that I could be completely happy and take it all in without second thoughts. But then I ponder how I'd feel about someone other than him (cause it won't work if I picture him professing his love) telling me all that I feel. I remember how I felt when Jeremy told me the marriage deal and how he has fallen in love with me after 2 months...
Needless to say I wasn't even shedding a layer of tissue paper, let alone the core of my defenses! His words didn't help him or gain him anything but time and luck.
And so I must restrain my heart and smother it tightly within my hands, for if it were to break lose I know how hard she'd fall for him...the last thing I want to do is set ourselves up for disapointment. So I'm still here giving an inch more than he does simply so he knows that I'm true and to offer some comfort as to say that he's not alone. But even still I keep wishing that I could tell him the extremity of my emotions and the potential of my cares. Those pressemistic thoughts cloud my mind and I consider myself insane if I were to do such a thing.
So I keep queit and meek; for analyzing my reaction to what I so long to do,it easily tells me that he'll do the same thing and leave me alone with only memories.

And then there's the small hint of trying to read someone and being totally wrong in the end. But we'll save that for another night.

The odds are for me while they work agianst me. Seems complicated but it's a statement in its truest.

It's a seemingly simple matter that I have here; me liking Jason and him returning the emotions. But for some reason I keep finding obstacles that don't allow him to let go, and It only pushes me further back to start from the beginning. It's like earning so many points in a video game and getting so far into the levels, only to die and start agian as a nobody trying to make it to the top.
Suprisingly he called me even though we had plans to do our own thing...he said being alone would be too boring without me. I was astonished by his high spirits and how happy he seemed to be with me.
From down the grape vine I heard that when Shane asked Jay to go out last night he replied loudly,

"Hell no! Sarah is coming over, I'm not going anywhere"

Very sweet and very good to know considering I heard it from someone's mouth other than his. It's always a good feeling to know that someone is happy when they are around you and they want to express that by affection and eagerness to please. To make a horribly long story short, we went to my car to get my stuff and my phone rang by a number I had never seen. Like an idiot I answered and persisted on finding out who the anonymous, discriminating voice was. It was a very rude person talking a lot of crap to me and Jason...
Naturally Jason hated the fact that there was "Drama" in my life and he called it "Excess Baggage" from Jeremy. Oh anyone can imagine how sad I was and how heart broken I became over the obvious fact that the night was trashed! All because of something I didn't do and had no control over. I can plead my innocence all I pleased but the facts were agianst me and he looked down upon me in disapointment. No matter how many apologies I gave his mood didn't soften nor did he say anything to comfort me. I shouldn't have even had to apologize for one thing, and for another I was pretty much the "victim", so to speak. He let down a little bit and gave me a kiss and said it was alright, but the whole night he was quiet. It was an awkward silence between us despite the huge crowd at his house. We went to sleep around 2:00am and talked it over. I suppose things are okay now and at work he was very flirtacious; being quick to look my way with a kiss or massage my shoulders while walking behind me. It felt good to be recognized as something he had and wanted...
We made our plans for later on tonight, which don't exactly consist of a whole lot. (DVDs and a rain check on a body massage) I get what I can take though right? I don't mind and I am definatly not complaining about not doing much, for it's the mere fact of being around and with him that I like. Later couldn't come any sooner...

Unless by some miracle of God....
I'll be sleeping alone tonight. That's the most depressing thought I've had all day. These past two days have been pure bliss with Jason. We didn't do much on Tuesday-
Had lunch at Einstein Bagels and got smoothies...went down to the beach and decided that we needed a chill night. Shane and Jay made dinner for us and it was suprisingly delicious. He asked me if I wanted some chicken fingers and french fries and I agreed while silently thinking that if that was his idea of cooking for me, we were gonna have problems. But I went out to the kitchen to find him looking for chicken ceaser salad ingedients. My eyes lit up and I smiled at his efforts...unfortunatly we had chicken, rice, and vegetables but I won't hold it agianst him. The night would have been fine if not for that gangster crap that I want no part of.
I was really upset over the drama that Shane caused with his cousin...I don't want to hear or see anybody ever agian with that much blood on their body, nor do I want to be questioned by the police because I'm a witness. Jason really earned my respect by not getting involved and taking me out of there as soon as possible...
Wednesday we all went to the beach-
But not before Jason had to get mad at me and threaten to "do his own thing" that day. He got mad cause I evaded the truth to cover Jessica's ass and waiting till later to come clean on my own. I apologized and I pointed out that I could have kept my mouth shut the entire time, but he was still mad at the fact that I lied. I wasn't doing it to be cruel or deceptive...I didn't want Jessica to get into any trouble. He got over and we went to the beach and the girls took the boys to Carrabbas! All in all our two days off together weren't so bad despite the fact that I wanted to GO somewhere. Oh well...we have no money, what can we do?
Jason has definatly shown a major improvement in the way he's acting. He's so romantic and sweet to me, Tuesday night I fell asleep before him and he was still hanging with the people in the living room while I was in the bed. It was almost 3:00am and I was exhuasted, so I passed out really quickly. He came in the room with a candle and randomly said,

"I really like you Sarah"

Being half asleep, I agreed with him and left it to that. But I didn't stop, and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I love the fact that it came out of his mouth first and out of nowhere, while I was sleeping. At Carrabbas he suggested we take a bath together when we got home; agian he hasn't failed to sweep me off my feet out of nowhere. I could be with him for so long and not worry or contemplate whether or not there could be something else I might be missing. Never would I think if it were him and I. I know he's mine and I've got him, but I still feel that at any given moment I could lose it. I don't think I will lose him though, judging by the way he talks to me and how we act, I don't believe I could.
It's going to be a Sarah night tonight...
I don't want to sleep alone, but I am. I want to give him some space and let him breath...the last thing I want to do is smother something that I want. I want him to be alone tonight and wish that we were together...I'm all over his bathroom and room so I'm almost positive he can't escape thoughts of me anyhow. Maybe I'll get a call from him later even though I said I would talk to him tomorrow...
It sounds ridiculous but I miss him when he's not around. I know he said on Monday that he missed me but I still wonder if he wishes I was around sometimes when I wasn't. I keep praying and wishing that he'd get attatched and fall completely head over heels for me...when will it happen?

I didn't expect to see him or hear from him last night. He worked during the day and I was there all night...I went home and started my college homework and reluctantly called the house to see what Jessica was up to. Shane and Jay were out at a bar with some people...I worried myself sick for 3 minutes about who he could be with and what they would be doing; but then I remembered how we talked and I felt at ease. I went to sleep at around 1:30am not expecting to hear from anyone...
4:00am and my phone's blowing up. I looked at who it was and "Jessica" had been the one who called me and left a voice message. The first thing I thought was,

"Oh my God, Jay didn't come home or he brought someone home and she wants to tell me"

or

"Shane told Jessica some incriminating information on what he was doing and she can't bear to let me hang on to this LOSER any longer"

I was scared when I checked my voicemail, but my heart melted when I heard Jay's voice:
Hey baby I was just calling to see what you were doing cause I can't sleep. Call me in the morning or tonight if you get this, I miss you.

WOW was all I had to say. I woke myself right up and called him almost the second I turned off the phone. He begged me to come over to his house and sleep with him cause he was lonely. He said he got home at around 3:00am and he'd been watching T.V and playing video games to try and fall asleep. Amazingly I got up and drove all the way over there at 4:30 and we talked and laughed for awhile. He said some sweet things to me on the phone and I was quite entirely shocked myself...

"Can I tell you something? I really miss you"
"Could I tell you a secret? Do you promise you won't tell anyone? I miss you a lot"

There wasn't anything else that could get me to smile like I did that early in the morning. I was happy to cuddle and hear gratitude from him about how I drove there to see him, he's really hitting the spot lately. Jessica and I were talking and she even told me that she noticed a significant difference in him these past few days. She said the first time I told her that we were together she had no idea because he never said anything or spoke of me rarely. Now she says that he talks about me and says stuff that we are going to do or had done the previous day. According to her, he acts like a Boyfriend. I was glad to hear it and I think the talks and some issues that we have been trying to get over has helped us. I love my boyfriend...


(*take the word love to the lowest level of serious and that's what I mean*)

Sunday morning came too quickly; it seemed that right as we closed our eyes and got comfortable, the sun was filling up the room and reminding us of a new day. I woke up to the sound of Jay sleeping soundly...his light breathing and the steady and rise and fall of his chest gently pushed my back and I awoke with a slight smile. So this is what Jeremy was talking about huh? When he said there wasn't anything better than waking up to me in the morning, even when I didn't cuddle, he was still in bliss. I can't remember a time when I liked being so close to someone in the morning.
Work was long, and at first it seemed good to me. Jay laughed to me about how nice Todd was being to the both of us and we shared some Kalamarakia (calamari) around 1:00pm. But then his mood went sour and he wasn't talking to anyone, when I walked past him he gave me the most horrible look I've ever seen. I did a double take to make sure he wasn't joking but sure enough his expression hadn't changed. After re-questioning him on his desire to pull a double I got a rude,

"Hell no! I'm going OUT tonight!" and then he walked away.

My mood turned foul and I got the same feeling as when I found out that Saturday night they had gone to HER house and SHE was at Shane's the night I wasn't. The first thing I thought of was HER. Why was I thinking so badly like I did? I felt mad jealous and went crazy over the fact that I probably wouldn't see him that night. And what made me sad was that very morning I asked if I could make him dinner and he said yes if he didn't work a double. Asshole.

He came up to me before I left and I said I was going to hang out with my mom and Tiffany since he was going out and I couldn't make him dinner like I had previously asked. I made sure to speak the comment apathetically yet coldly. He laughed and said he wasn't going out and he wanted to spend some time with me. I promise you this kid has serious mood swings and I don't know that I can handle it much longer. It drives me nuts going from happy to disapointed in 60 seconds or less. I worked late and he called work to say hello and make sure I was still going to head over there afterwards. It was nice to have him say, "I'll call you in an hour", and then exactly an hour later he called. That was probably the first time in a long time he did what he said he would do.
I didn't make dinner cause it was too late and we were both too hungry, so we opt for Wendy's and mowed down on 6 junior bacon cheeseburgers and some salads. We went back to the house and if I'd have known the next thing that would happen I would have thrown my cell phone out the window and cared almost not at all. I got in the shower and he comes in and says,

"So have you been having any problems with your ex?"

"No", I said with a weird voice.

"Have you seen him? Do you still talk to him?"

"I haven't seen him at all, and I talk through E-mail or texts" I thought it was really weird how he was asking me this out of nowhere and I peeked over the shower curtain and asked him to come closer to me.

"Your lying to me Sarah, I'm not coming over there"

The first slammed door I heard was the bathroom. I yelled out his name and was very confused and upset at his behavior. I jumped out of the shower and the next slammed door I heard was the front door. My eyes bugged out of my head and I was in complete shock, I hadn't lied to him at all. To make a long, repetitive arguement short; he looked through my phone and found the texts from Jeremy and the newest one said "You come chill with me" or something like that. I hadn't seen that and I had no idea he wrote that. Jason called me sneaky and scandolous for talking to him and that I was playing games with him. I wasn't doing any of those things and it was the biggest misunderstanding in the world. I said I'd do anything for him if he'd only not leave me and just listen to me. I said over and over how much I liked him and how much more happy he's made me feel in two weeks than Jeremy ever had. He said that Jeremy was my back up plan, as if I was some kind of bad, sleezy girl like that. I'm not like that and there isn't anything in this world that could make me go back to Jeremy. It took me almost an hour of following him around the house trying to hold him down, he was so angry and so upset over it. I knew he was changing his mind once he started talking to me about other things when there was a silence or when he said stuff like,

"Just call him over to your house and let me beat the shit out of him. Just let me do it and he'll never bother us agian"

I said okay to appease him and that I'd never ever speak to Jeremy agian if that's what it took. And he was letting his gaurd down cause he was actually looking at me for the first time in 45 minutes when he said that he didn't want to tell me what to do and he didn't want to control me. I asked him to put his foot down on this matter because I cared about him so much that I didn't want to do anything to make him upset. I was so scared I'd lose him...
He apologized for over reacting and I made a promise never to speak to Jeremy agian. I deleted the texts today and I won't pick up his calls agian or dial his number. I like Jason too much to almost lose him agian. We talked a lot that night after we made love...it wasn't love but I like the sound of it better than SEX! SEX is so raw and uncut...I like things to sound a little bit nicer when I'm thinking about Jason and I underneath the covers. I confronted him about something he had said to me when we were apologizing and making up on the couch after shit hit the fan:

ME: "Jason I like you so much and I don't want to lose you"

HIM: "I like you a lot too Sarah, it actually scares me how much I like you"

He was shy about it when I brought it up and said he didn't like to talk about sentimental stuff cause he felt stupid and I might laugh at him. He just said that there has only been two times in his life when he's really wanted to be with someone. He's always been the type of person who can be friends with girls and not even THINK about anything more. But then he met me and he felt so strongly that he wanted to be with me. And it makes him scared and want to hold back from me because the first time it happened everything went bad after a few months. He said that what we had was so much better than the first time it happened to him and it scared him.
I told him not to hold back with me cause I wouldn't hurt him. But everyone has to hold back, I think I hold back a lot more than he does. I could fall in love with him next week if I let myself...that's how intense it is when he kisses me and when he grabs my hand and kisses from my fingers to the top of my shoulder.
I could get used to those lips and those beautiful eyes...there's something about him that makes me feel like I've never felt before. Scary...

Last night was interesting. After going to Jessica's and realizing that Jay was PURPOSELY avoiding me, I got upset while we were movie browsing. At blockbuster of all places, in public I had to face the hard facts that he was probably using me and wanted to break up with me. Oh it was a sad sight, but I held it together as long as I possibly could. When we went back to the house we had hoped that Jay and Shane would be gone, but Shane was there and no Jay.

Relief

I didn't want to see him and I wasn't in any mood for confrontations. So I was socializing and what not and I turned my head to see Jay walk out of Shane's room. Immediatly I directed my eyes to the floor and said nothing...holy ackwardness. It was almost embarassing because we weren't even speaking to eachother. He went to the couch after waving at me and I decided to grow the balls he didn't have and talk to him.

"So, do you still want to have that talk with me?", I said very quietly.

He smiled and looked at me with his beautiful eyes, "No not yet, just wait"

"Did I do something wrong? I don't think I did but maybe I did something the other day to upset you"

It ended after that and we spoke about work and what they were going to do that night. The disapointment must have been no doubt obvious because he kept looking at me, almost wanting to say something but holding back. I wanted to cry without hesitation but I got up instead to take some shots of tequila,

"Fuck him, If he wants to act like that it definatly isn't worth it" I thought as I downed a triple shot and almost gagged to death. I could tell myself all I wanted that he's gay and it wasn't worth my time, but It still hurt and I still had those horrible deep feelings for him. I didn't understand why, after being avoided and ignored could I still care for someone...?
They left and I drank away my worries and finally came upon the fabolous idea of peircings and tattooes! I drove drunk for the first and last time in my life to Cherry Bomb Tattoes and Jessica bought me a nose piercing and belly button piercing. I don't know how I did it, but I got the nerve to do BOTH right after the other. It was intense and due to the obvious fact that I was drunk out of my mind, I bled like I was shot. The guy was shocked and he said,

"Atleast you weren't drinking! Think how much worse it would be"

haha...he's so silly. Anyhow she got her boyfriend's name tattooed on her, which I strongly disagreed with, but hey that's just me.
So Shane called and he said he was drunk and needed to be picked up...he was alone and Jay had taken off. I wanted to cry, I wanted to erase every memory that we'd ever made and forget that I'd ever met him. Who would act one way and totally change to the opposite? It doesn't make sense to me how one can hurt someone so bad and not even care. Shane got in the car and immediatly told me to stop talking to Jay because he was a player and he didn't deserve such a, "Fucking beautiful girl who is too sweet and nice". I totally agree with him and questioned what had happened that.

"Did he like, pick up some girl or something?"

"Sarah, your fucking awesome, your way out of his league. There's something special about you and you don't need to be wasting your time and efforts on a loser like him"

He wouldn't tell me what had happened! I was so upset and I kept asking the same thing over and over but all he said was that Jay was a player. I was schocked, I couldn't picture the person I'd been spending the past three weeks with as a player. Well we got home and Shane's drunk ass passed out and I took a shower and layed down in Jay's room and fell asleep. I hoped with all my heart that he'd rush in and apologize with tears about how stupid he's been. He didn't, but a 4:30am I got a phone call and it was him.

HE: "What are you doing?"

ME: "Considering that it's almost 5 o'clock in the morning, I'm sleeping!"

HE: "But where are you sleeping at? Are you in clearwater?"

ME: "Honestly it's none of your business but no, I'm in Holiday"

HE: "Are you sleeping in my bed?"

ME: "Whose bed?! This is my bed Jason, I'm sleeping in MY bed with MY covers that I so generously brought over to you!"

HE: "Ok, our bed and our covers...it's only fair since it's my room. But I'm on my way so I'll be there in awhile"

Click. Fucking dousch bag, I was so pissed. But I got so excited when he walked in the room and I showed off my piercings. He layed next to me and held me close, I kept my sighing loud and evident so that he might wonder what was wrong. Sure enough he got the picture and I asked if we were going to break up. He expressed his deep feelings for me and how much he liked me and wanted to be with me. My heart sank and I loosened my grip on him, until he said that the last thing he wanted to do was break up with me and that's why he's been avoiding me.

"I needed to clear my head I didn't want to make a hasty decision and regret it"

Whatever. We didn't break up and we talked about how he worries about cheating but yet I'm the only girl he's ever trusted. I'd never cheat on him, ever. He thinks that one night after we hang out I could call Jeremy over and we could hook up. I got so pissed off and so emotional at the sound of that. I told him all about what Shane told me and he flipped out because it turns out that it was Shane who was being an ass. Shane was trying to get with this girl and her boyfriend showed up so he got mad and started talking shit to Jay and Jay's friends. All because Shane got cock-blocked he had to go and lie about Jay to me. I knew it didn't sound like him and I know for a fact that he was telling the truth because he called from his friend's house. He wanted to call them and make me talk to them but I believed him. He was sad about how everyone tries to make me think badly of him and how people are always up in our business. I told him about how Todd(our GM of the restaurant) questioned me on how happy Jay made me and how Jay's got a bad reputation. Jason was so mad because he doesn't like Todd at all and they don't get along.
Today at work Todd got up in my shit agian when he heard me and Jay talking about plans for tonight. Jay is going to make some money with Denny and Shane tonight and so Todd steps in and says, "You know Denny has to be back at work at 10:00pm tonight to ID at the door"
It made Jay look like he was lying to me and trying to cover up what he was really doing. Jason walked away and Todd started laughing at me and saying I had a cheater and a liar for a boyfriend. I started getting teary eyed and Jay asked me what was wrong. After telling Jay what Todd had said to me, Jason went off on Todd and almost got fired for cussing him out and making a scene in front of the guests. I was scared about what Todd would say to me for blabbing, but he came up to me and APOLOGIZED! I couldn't believe that Jay had said something, and not gotten fired, and made Todd say he was sorry. I was like, "well I don't care if you were joking, It really upset me"
I looked down the hall for Jay and he looked so pissed off with his eyebrows pushed in towards eachother and his mouth moving as though he was grinding his teeth. He looked at me and his features went soft and he winked twice while walking to his neglected tables. I caught him at the soda station and he said that everything was okay and Todd would never say anything like that to me agian...I was happy that he had stuck up for me and had the nerve to say something.
I'm going to see him tonight after he does his illegal stuff with Denny and Shane. I don't like what he's doing but he's broke and has to pay rent. I think to myself that I'd never in my life stay with a guy who sold any other drug than pot, and here I am still with Jay.
Driving home I looked down at my center console and found a note from this morning when we went to Mcdonalds, at the end of the little note he wrote,
Elephant Juice. I played back in my mind him laughing at me because I didn't know what that meant. I played dumb for I knew exactly what It looked like when you silently mouthed it out to a person. I watched his mouth form the words "I love you" a million times on my way home, just the way he had at 7:30am. He confessed to me that he was the type to get attatched quickly and have strong feelings very quickly...I laughed and silently wished it was true. He's got the two of us mixed up.

He didn't call last night...
Typical but I'm contemplating calling him at around 11:00 to make sure everything is alright. How sweet and considerate of me...I wish he knew the lengths I'd go for him. I don't know why I like him so much? I think it's someone to pass the time till I graduate and am sent off to Jacksonville, or maybe It's that I'm finally feelings those emotions that one is supposed to have in a relationship. I love the way I feel about him and I don't want the happiness to go away. I'm happy to the point where if he said he needed me to be with him everynight till I left for UNF, I wouldn't hesitate to pack my bags.
I know, you don't have to tell me that I'm stupid for falling for someone so quickly. I just hope he's around for the time I'm here, and then if he wants to go I can't object due to the circumstances. In a sense I NEED him to help me get through... I can't imagine what these two months till graduation will be like without him...
Scary thought. Who will I turn to for comfort? Who will gently rub my hands before I fall asleep? I'm so lonely, even with a boyfriend I'm a lonely girl.

"Oh won't you stay...Just a little bit longer...Oh won't you say...Say you will..."

Well, this is normal and I never though I'd actually think this, but I'm GLAD that he hasn't called. It's not out of the ordinary, when he doesn't call it means that the next day I'll be in his arms agian. So I'm thinking that if he HONESTLY wanted to break up with me, then I'd be gone. It would be something that he'd want to get out of his way and not anything to drag on. It's definately not something that one can put off for another day.
I'm still sad none the less. It was a weird day and night yesterday and I just don't know sometimes. I went back to Shane's after my last post yesterday and everyone was hanging out, watching MTV and bull shitting. Jason was laying on the couch with his eyes closed, it took me 10 minutes after walking in to go sit down on the couch he was occupying. There is something about him that makes me feel that I can't approach him, anyone else and that would be my first stop. I made small talk and eventually I got a smile and some laughs and I felt better about how the night would be. He isn't too into attention giving in big crowds as he is when we are alone. He holds my hand and kisses me but I'm not the main focus...which is fine I suppose...If you LIKE to be second string and all...
(kidding)
I started scratching his back and we went into his room and rested on the bed. We talked and layed in a comfortable silence with eachother as I scratched his body down. We all started drinking not too long afterwards and I got tipsy with mad quickness...we drove to Clearwater Beach and hung out with Jay's friend for awhile then Shane's girlfriend's friend started getting emotional and drunk and unnecessary...
You know how girls do it when they mix drinks with depression...DRAMA!
So naturally I didn't want any part of it so I talked with the guys and kept quiet so not to seem immature and dramatic. They are almost the same age as me and I don't want to be associated with retarded bullshit like that. So while Shane got in the backseat and I got in the front with Jason, I was sweet and not acting beligerent. We held hands in silence and decided quickly on Checkers for everyone. He'll probably be the only one who can get me to eat a double cheeseburger and a large frie at 11:30 at night. Yes 11:30, which shows exactly how much of a late nighter we were last night! When we got home me and Jay wanted to go to sleep so we hit the bed hard and undressed...
Normally I'm the one who initiates any kind of sexual activity and he's the passive one who could win or lose while caring for both equally. Oddly enough he was very kissy and touchy for a guy who knows I'm on the rag...It didn't seem to matter to him but I wasn't feeling it and I expressed my uncertainty for those sort of actions that particular night. I expected him to argue with me, which is half way what I wanted! But he just held me close, kissed me and got comfortable on my body to sleep.

"Jay what are you doing"

"We're going to bed"

We are?! I wasn't too sure what that was all about but I definatly wasn't going to sleep with his third leg chillin agianst my stomach. Truth was, I didn't want to go to bed at all. And I don't do things that I don't want to do, so I didn't.
When I woke up I wasn't really feeling too good. Like I watched him sleep for a little while and then cuddled close, but I worry about bothering him. I'm almost afraid that my own BOYFRIEND will get annoyed by my affection. I understand how I can be in the morning, so I'm not quite too sure.

"How was your sleep Sarah?"

"I was cold through the night and morning, but other than that it was nice"

"Why didn't you cuddle close to me?"

Ah there we go. The reassurance I needed to get my morning going. There isn't anything like a simple conversation that reveals a lot of complex characteristics about a person. At the sound of this I rushed close to him and we relaxed the morning away till I had to go to work.
I'm still worried about what he might have to talk to me about...but I'm guessing that it can't be too drastic. I'll talk to him tomorrow and see him on Saturday. (Friday is my girl's night and his guy's night)
I can only hope for the best and wish that all will go my way.
I saw a falling star the other night and wished hard that Jason would fall so deep into love with me. Maybe that's what the talk will be about...
haha and then I woke up. Only in my dreams will somebody that I care deeply for, wouldl care equally for me in return. One such as I must rely on those fantasy images and pray upon mysteries in the night sky...
Pathetic

As it might appear from his side, I took the other person out of my life completely. I did it after the first talk and it was all for him. I wonder what this talk brings that I "Shouldn't be scared about". I feel it all crumbling at my feet. These past few days have been too wonderful to keep all to myself...we shall see.

I was completely and totally shocked! Absolutely taken back by the CRAZY fact that he didn't call when he said he would. It's fine, I'm used to it and it doesn't seem to matter that much to me anymore, last night I just needed a friend and he wasn't there to be one. I'll take mental note of that one for future references...

I called this morning and he said he got drunk and what not at Shane's house. During the time I was with Shane's girlfriend I found out a lot of interesting information! Turns out that my dear friend who finds Jason quite date-able, was at Shane's house last night. Go fucking figure...
Jason left out this minor detail and at first I was exremely upset, then I found out what exactly happened. She got shit faced and started making hella drama about how Jason wasn't paying any attention to her and that she didn't care at all, but it was the fact that he ignored her. At the sound of this I raised my eyebrows and glared at L. and J. who was spilling the information,

"Was he flirting with HER or anything? Did SHE spend the night? Do I sound psycho?"

"No! He didn't even acknowledge that she was there! That's the whole reason why the bitch was freaking out. He didn't even speak to her"

"You wouldn't lie to me would you, just to save my feelings and make me feel more secure about this new, rocky relationship I'm throwing myself into and not really knowing from day to day what he's thinking and what his intentions are...?!"

"You do kinda sound psycho..."

I couldn't help it. The second I heard that SHE was there with him and they were both drinking, I got so scared. The worst thing that could happen to me right now would be losing something I desperately need!! I can't go through another failing relationship...I won't! He was acting kinda funny today and he felt sick from drinking so he was kinda laying around on me while I scratched his back. I kinda feel like it's only when I'm physically with and around him, that we are together. Otherwise it's like we don't talk. I wonder if I should bring that up...
He went riding today so I hope when and if he decides to call he's in a good mood. I don't like how distant he is...it's like sometimes I'll get some real vibes and feelings and then other times I'm kinda in the dark staring intently at him as if I might actually retreive some silent information from his complex mind. I just don't think he knows what he wants, out of me, out of working, out of LIFE. It's very clear to me that he's confused and isn't too sure what he's doing. Maybe I'll bring it up before we fall asleep tonight. I brought the aero bed over to Shane's so we could be COMFORTABLE on the bed instead of a pallet on the floor.
Well it's St. Patrick's Day...
I'm Irish...
Guess what I'll be doing after I type my last words...

I counted 20 steps
in his walk as he
carried me, wrapped tightly within
my blankets;
From my bed to the living room couch.

I heard every pitch and tone in his voice;
Took note of the smile and slight
Enthusiasm as he griped my hips in affection
and went in for my lips.
"Sarah, this is where we had our first kiss"

"It took you all night to get
the nerve to kiss me"
I watched his cheecks turn pink and
took a mental picture in my mind of his
shy smirk, spreading slowly to a broad smile,
developing into a quiet giggle...

We lay there on that couch
The same couch we've been tainting for
two weeks too long.
I wondered to myself if we should
go back in my bed.
No, there's memories lingering within the pillow cases
and lying on the window sill.

I peeked through the window and considered
stepping outside in hopes of being free
of all the images rushing upon me.
I changed my mind at the sight of the two chairs
facing eachother, where we sat and watched the stars
and I rested my feet in his lap.
Agian I was smothered in happiness

Gazing into his blue eyes I know
in my heart that I've gone too
deep too soon.
Agian...
I worry about the places we go
and things you say that
stain the date and mood.
I fear this road that I've been
down many times before now.

Once I give in to the comfort;
The happiness that you've been
driving me towards...
I'm put on cruise control, being
restrained from anything further

Sometimes I wish upon myself
a cold heart, just for instances
like this one.
So that I won't give in to the
inevitable feeling of content
Too soon

Women are accustomed to fretting over TRIFLES...
Quite frankly I view this situation as a complete misunderstanding and a bad case of hysteria. I suppose that maybe, possibly, being a single mother is draining at times...yes I'm willing to admit to that. And even exhaustingly stressful...I can't argue with this either. However, my mother hasn't the slightest clue on how easy, even LUCKY she has it.
I got a good laugh this morning from her consistent phone calls at 6:00am. The voice messages were convincingly worried and filled with anger,

"Sarah Jane this is your mother! Call me right now I don't know where the hell you are!"

I can see where the confusion and alarm might be coming from considering it was a school night and the last she knew was that I was sleeping in my own bed. However, last night's shift at Pappas' was very long and turned out to be shitty by the time I clocked out. I convinced Jason not to leave because I had a party of 16 coming in and it would be good for him to make some extra money for rent and next week. Reluctantly he agreed and sure enough that party of 16 people came in and drank and ate up a 300 dollar tab. His enthusiasm was ridiculous with his smiling and winking my way all night, which made me happy to have him in such high spirits. For a minute I pondered his real reason for the happiness,
Was it because he was making a lot of money?
Or that reason along with the fact that he was happy with me?
The real reason came after he forgot to add the gratuity to the check and they stiffed him with a 15 dollar tip. I saw the look in his eyes and the blankness when he glanced at me for a brief second.
Horrible thoughts raced through my head and I was disapointed for him, and I questioned why these people had to rain on my parade...?

"Oh no! The night is ruined, he's going to want to go home and not want to talk to me..."
"He'll probably just leave and not even say good bye then the next day say that he was just mad or something careless like that..."

I was so upset for I assumed that was going to happen. I clocked out and waited for him for about a half an hour then I went into the bathroom to fix myself up a little bit. Walking out of the door I saw his back turned almost jogging out of the restaurant...
My heart sank and I was so sad to think that the only reason he was in such a great mood was the money. I sulked and grabbed my stuff and Vanessa came running around the corner telling me that Jason was looking everywhere for me. My eyes lit up and I was shocked and excited to see him walk back my way. He grabbed my hand and I said my sorry's and rubbed his back for a second while questioning if he was just going to go home. He looked at me like a confused dog with his head cocked to one side and his eyes really big,

"Are you fucking kidding me Sarah? Then my night would be absolutly horrible! The only good thing about my day was that you were at work with me, other than that I was miserable except for when I saw you"

Oh God only knows the feeling that rushed through my body as he said that to me. He kissed me gently and we walked across the street to grab some smokes before we rode out. The rain was silent and the street lights illuminated the steady fall that delicately fell on our bodies. We got a good laugh when we both stepped in a huge puddle up to our ankles; he got worried I'd be upset considering my dress pants and high heels, but I giggled and explained I wasn't afraid to get dirty. Relief seemed to come over him and he looked at me with this content and satisfied smile, as if to say in his head,
"Yeah, I like that about you"
So this is where my mother comes into play...
I promised Jay that I'd sleep over with him at his new house that night since he had a bad night, and so I phoned home and said I'd be at Tiffany's consoling her devastated, crying self. In all reality I think she was fine and was busy at work, but between me and Jay those are just details! So we hung out at his house with Shane and his girlfriend then went to sleep. I have never enjoyed sleeping beside anyone as I do when I'm with him, ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be alone and not bothered. This morning I found myself cranky because somehow in the middle of the night we slipped away from eachother and I was no longer in the warm vicinity of his body. Queitly I snuggled up agianst him to happily find his eyes open and embrace me back to my deep sleep.
That's when the calls started.
Stupid me decided to call my mom back! What the hell is wrong with me? I could have slept in till 10:00am with him and had a nice breakfast and casually drove him to his Bike and calmly drove him. But no! 7:30am and I'm rushing out the door and freaking out while we try to come up with a good story to tell my mom. She believed I was at Tiffany's just one minute down the road, when in fact I was 45 minutes up US 19! I didn't sweat it, when I came home an hour after we spoke on the phone I said I figured I was in enough trouble so I went to breakfast!
Worked like a charm...
So now I'm:
*Grounded
*Not allowed to go anywhere besides school, class, and work
*Unable to use the celly
*Completely detatched from Jason
And this is all for how ever long SHE decides until my WRECKLESS behaivour goes back to normal and I don't think I can do whatever I want.
Riiiiiiight...
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and I'm spending the day with Jason and Shane+GF no matter what she says. If she tries to tell me I can't do something, I'll show her the EXACT meaning of REBEL and what type of things WRECKLESS girls do. She has no clue how easy she has it!

Consider the following:

Unusually, unlucky girl meets ridiculously beautiful boy. Sparks fly between them as the tension builds between girl and her current boyfriend. Girl attempts to weigh out her options hoping that the longer, withstanding relationship on the left hand will overcome the tingly feelings on her right hand. Unfortunatly the inevitable happens and her right hands falls heavily to the ground while her left hangs high above seen almost at a blur. Suddenly mystery boy decides to take a chance, but after a few days the girl's luck changes and she's left alone.
Three days gone by and five shots of Captian Morgan later...girl remains happily within beautiful boy's arms. With the past's continual efforts to crash down upon her, she erases the number, burns the tangible memories, and ruins the familiar harmony of her life. Now faced with a life so new, does she run back into the abyss of yesterday as she so desires to do? Or will she knock on the door of change to behold obstacles and oppurtunities galore...?

Wow now that's probably the toughest decision since
Chanel number 5 or the drug store version...
CHANEL NUMBER FIVE!
Tough one...

Didn't hang out with Jason last night...
Quite needless to say I was in a foul mood and eagerly took three large sleeping pills; which when mixed with the sounds of "Sade" causes an intense state of relaxation. Walking into work this morning I had the sour and decisive attitude that I would simply tell Jay that this just isn't what I want. The 30 minute drive and slow traffic allowed me to thoroughly sort through my thoughts and word it very clearly.
I had it all planned out:
"Jason, you know, I really like you and we have fun a lot"... yeah I was going to start it out that way but I hate it when those kinda talks are obvious from the start so I changed my mind quickly,

"Hey how was your night last night?"

Yeah, add an evil look with a smile and he'd feel guilty before I let him have it. Nobody cancels plans with me to go riding and gets away with it.

"Well that sounds like a lot of fun. Listen I was doing some thinking and I think that we should, ya know, hang out as friends. I just think that you still think as a single man and you seem to not want to care or be bothered so soon"

I got even more anxious as I thought about what he might say. I figured that he probably wouldn't care and say something along the lines of "whatever sarah"...kinda like a jerk, border-line asshole.
When I finally got there I was all pumped up and ready to spit it all out, but he wasn't there. In fact he was 45 minutes late so I didn't even see him walk in at first.
I caught sight of his hair from a mirror as I was walking in the opposite directoin and heard his voice as he apologed to the manager for being late. When I came back to the Hostess stand there was a little pink note on the board where I write down tables and the server's sections.

To Sarah:

Your boyfriend said he is sorry and wants you to forgive him
Jay

I forgot everything I had wanted to say and looked around for him. I saw him looking at me from across the hall and he through the sound of a kiss my way. To us, everytime we do that we want a kiss.

"If I was allowed to, I'd kiss you"

"I know, I'm sorry"

I didn't get out till late today but he stayed and waited for me. We took a shower and cleaned up before going out to dinner...
I made him promise me and seal it with a kiss that he would never do that to me agian.
We had a really nice dinner on the beach and spent some quality time playing with Jayden. I can't remember the last time I'd laughed like I did tonight. It started in the car when we were pretending to have only three fingers and touching eachother's faces. Then it carried over to him picking me up and running around the house while Jayden ran after us and bit at my butt. I was thrilled when he asked me to go away with him next week for spring break. I'm so excited...
The plan is to take three days off from work and spend them in a hotel right on the beach. Straight relaxation and drinking for three days...

WOW

Who would have thought I could be happy for once?
Content even?
Pssshh we all shuddered and laughed at the very thought...
And when I say that I actually LIKE it when he touches my face- what will they say?

"Not this Sarah...not the Sarah that smacked away hands and backed up instantly at the sight of a raised hand"

Surely nobody will take me seriously when I brag of my confidence and comfort in the nude...

"Not you! That will be the day, when you don't hold your breasts in shame and keep your eyes focused on the other's instead of the ground..."

How will I ever convince them that I do laugh and play around like a little kid?

"We don't believe that you like being poked in the side and messed with, not you, the one who copped attitudes and threw out dirty looks at the idea of horse play..."

This could be a difficult task...

Me: C'mon please tell me, I know Romeo has been talking about me to you

He: Romeo? Your so lame

Me: Please I can see it when you two laugh and look at me, I promise I won't tell him that you have a big mouth and should never be trusted... (with a seductive smile)

He: All I will tell you is that he says that you two are back together and he's happy...

Me: And...

He: And he hopes it works out this time because he likes you a lot...

Me: That's all?

He: Well and he said that he's been getting shit from the other girls because he's yours! But that's ok cause he doesn't care.

Um definately I don't want to know that other girls are liking him and expressing their stupid opinion about how he should be single. I've never been the worried type of girl who thought that any girl was a complete threat. I've always been comfortable enough to know that the person I'm with is happy with me. I'm afraid that he's going to see some other girl at work and start liking her...
I wonder what it is about him that makes me act so differently?

She: He's really not that great of a guy, I mean...If your looking for something long term I wouldn't go for him

Me: Why do you say that?

She: Considering he works at a restaurant and he's 23 and not going to school...I don't see him with any ambition to GO someplace in life.

Me: yeah...he said he's a welder; like construction/labor type work.

She: Still, If your looking for someone above any of that, I wouldn't go to him

Me: (trying to find the words to hide and justify my reasoning for being with him)... Well I mean I just got out of a relationship and I like him, but I don't about for the rest of my life. I'm trying to have fun before I go to college...

She: That's good...

So there! She might not exactly find him the pick of the litter, but I like him and I have a lot of fun with him. For some reason I don't mind his state of being right now. Usually I don't date guys that are kinda bummy like. He's definately opposite from what I usually like to date...but maybe "types" aren't for everyone?

She: I was suprised at his dress when I saw him out of work! I thought he was preppy

Me: I know, so did I. I figured he'd wear normal sized T-shirts and pants. Possibly even Abercrombie

She: Definatly not! He's gotta change that Wu Wear look, I don't like it at all. It doesn't look good on him, he needs some tighter clothes because he makes himself look bigger than he is.

Me: He's definatly NOT fat, but you can't really tell from the size of his Tshirts

She: Give him a makeover, he'd be awesome in Abercrombie and Hollister.

Me: I wish! He'd never go for that crap...he's too relaxed and apathetic about clothes and what people think.

She: darn...

For some reason the stuff that normally would bother me, doesn't phase me with him. And the petty reasons that would drive me to a break-up, don't even seem worth it. What do you call that when you see the person for who they are and not mostly what's on the outside? What's the meaning of when a totally bitchy, picky girl chooses someone she normally never would? Reminds me of that silly chick flick, "A Walk to Remember"; when that totally hott, popular guy falls in love with a loser who is the complete opposite of him. I think that's romantic and genuine...
So what's to infer from my madness?
Too soon to call it Love
Too sinful to call it Lust
So i guess I'll settle
and say that I Care

The first and only thing I had been wanting to happen was that he'd call me and want to talk. Every night since Monday I had wanted him to regret his mistake and come crawling back with endless "sorrys" and "I Miss you". Last night Shane called and I didn't really care about talking to him, so I ignored the call and went about with my business. For a split second the thought crossed my head that it would be Jason...I brushed it off because that's what I have been dreaming of that hasn't come true. Silently I cursed myself for being so immature and pathetic. Shane, or so I thought it was, had left me a voicemail that I honestly wasn't going to listen to at first. I figured it would be something stupid, but I'd give it a whirl anyways...
"Hey what's up this is J, I was just calling to see if you wanted to come out tonight. Call me back please...don't be mad at me"
The first thing that went was my heart...then my body started shaking and I couldn't believe that he had called. After calling back we chatted a little bit and he said to come over and we could talk about stuff. I was elated, there wasn't anything that could bring me down, not even Jeremy telling me that he hated me. As far as I was concerned, nothing mattered except that Jason wanted to see me.
I got to Denny's house and it was everyone from work so I felt ok about being there, and then I saw her:
The one that got his number after knowing I already had it and was crushing big time. Why was she here? I smiled and gave her the biggest, most superficial hug and promised that I missed her and would call to hang out soon.
Yeah Right Bitch!
Unfortunatly Shane and Rob were hanging on me and bothering me for the whole hour I was there, so naturally Jason is with her. She's not half as pretty as I am, and she has a big nose which he personally commented on to me. I started getting upset and started drinking hardcore (keep in mind that it's a school night here). After about 5 shots of Captain Morgan and watching them talk together, I was heated and wanted to go home. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door saying I wasn't having fun and I wanted to go home. Now, I hate to look as though I'm starving for attention because that wasn't it at all, but everyone made this huge thing and took my keys and flocked around me. I felt stupid and really annoyed about still being in that house. I said to everyone,
"Look I can just talk on the phone and I will be okay"
Jason looked at me with this heartless face and said,
"Yeah we all know Jeremy will talk to you".
I couldn't believe he said that, I had no words for him and my jaw dropped to my knees as I walked back inside to collapse on the couch. People started getting really messed up and someone gave me some pill that made me unable to walk straight, let alone drive a car. Somehow everyone got in three cars to take this one guy home and Jason said he'd follow me to Dunedin so I got home ok. Jerk- I didn't need him to follow me. I couldn't have done it on my own, and I definatly wouldn't have driven but I was feeling stubborn and rude.
After they left me and him went on the dock of Denny's pool and were talking. He told me that he knew exactly why I wanted to go home and that he didn't like her like that. They apparently went to the movies and hung out afterwards which really made shit hit the fan. I was so drunk I didn't even realize how mad and open I was being.
"How could you tell me something like that knowing that I like you so much and am so upset that you aren't with me..." blah blah
I spilled my guts about how sad I had been and all that I thought, I guess it helped me cause he looked at me and did the same. He said that there was something about me and he couldn't figure it out, that I was the nicest girl he'd ever met and nobody wanted to do the things I've tried and brought up to him about. He said that he probably didn't deserve a girl like me and I would be something good in his life, but then he's scared. Scared that I'm going to have so much baggage with Jeremy and I'll go back to Jeremy when he finally starts to fall for me.
I said he wasn't in any danger of falling for me but he disagreed. Being drunk and standing only with his help I repeated so many times,
"Please fall for me Jason! I like you so much! We are perfect for eachother"
Oh God do I feel like a dousch bad today, and that isn't even the half of what I said. He drove my car back to Dunedin with me and he spent the night. Amazingly I held back and allowed him to be a perfect gentleman the whole night. It made me feel better to not do anything so that I didn't feel that sex was the motive behind spending the night.
He asked me to be his Girlfriend agian and we cuddled all night. I never thought to myself that we'd get back together...never. I had wished and hoped, but I chose to look at reality. Guess I was wrong.
Tiffany met him this morning and we all hung out and teased my mom about not coming home last night.
"Mom your a pimp" Tiffany said...I don't even know if my mom knows what that is.
Unfortunately on my way to work I got in an accident so I'm kinda sad about that. Nothing big just a minor fender bender...but I have to pay 80$ and that isn't minor to me! Jason was sweet the whole time comforting me and telling me it's ok and that it happens to everyone.
"This is why I'm your boyfriend, to take care of you and make you feel better when you make a mistake"
I like him and I know that this time is going to be different.

What a day.
Work was long but I hadn't the slightest distraction as mentioned in the above poem, until right before I left. What kind of loser comes in to work on their day off? He wears the same stuff over agian...
He's clearly not for me. Although the feeling I got that ran through my entire body told me otherwise, eh- that's just a minor detail sent from my heart that I'll take no notice of...

Tomorrow I'm going to do something to my hair, I need a change to make myself feel better so I figured a 1:00pm appointment at Salon Javi would help. I think I'm going to start treating myself and possibly even APPRECIATING myself...wow now there's a concept! Chris (J's best friend whom he confides in) and I believe that I'm beautiful and it's about time we started acknowledging it. He's a sweet man, always a sucker for heartbreakers but I hope the one he's got does him good. He's the only one who ever takes notice in my appearance, and he's the single guy working with me that will gently compliment opposed to,
"Damn girl look at that ass!" or "Mmmm looking fine today". In my opinion there isn't anything worse than a man who can't express himself in a polite, decent manner. I guess that's just how things go, but I have never heard anything so pigheaded come out of Chris's mouth before. It's constantly, "You look beautiful" or "You look especially nice today". C'mon that's what I want to hear and I never got that from Jason. He said stuff about my "ridiculously gorgous eyes" and my smile...but he didn't take notice on my dress or hair.
When will I find someone to appreciate the little things that make up who I am?
I wish Jason would...why did I have to see his face today?
Why? My night would have been marvelous without that picture that remains on the back of my eye lids everytime I blink.
Give me a couple more days, I'm already finding a lot that I hate about him.

6:00pm
The days at work seems to drag
Nothing's changed besides this time when I see your face pass by me
Or hear your voice from a distance,
I'm tormented by visions of yesterday and the obvious termination of tomorrow
What can I do at the end of the day when we don't walk out together?
And we don't kiss at my car and promise to see eachother in an hour...?
Now I drive alone without looking at his smiling face in my rear view mirror,
And make plans with myself without taking him into consideration.
When I'm home I can look forward to
Nothing.
My skirt and heels are thrown carelessly towards the closet,
The same skirt you wanted to take me in
Over and over.
They don't make it and land on the spot where you always sat and watched me dress or undress
The reminders of you stay fresh
In the blankets, pillows, and panties...
I've tried to wash you away
Yet it helps none for I know what was once there:

Happiness and the content feeling of permanent

The tone in your voice calls out softly from the little box under my bed
I try to stifle the laughter and drown out the whispers...
But the ruffling of covers as I flop underneath them does no good
And soon enough after my bedding falls silently over my face
The sound will once agian peirce my ears and vulnerable heart in agony.
If I only had the strength
To forget those worthless nights
without frantically tracing back into my mind to savor every moment,
Surely I'd be willing to try.
God let me sleep through this one night
Allow the sun to shine brilliantly enough to wake me in the morning
Make my day cluttered with duties so that I'm too busy to notice his prescence
carelessly working without me on his mind and my body in his eyes.
How scary it is...
When all my hopes fade meaninglessly to nothing
And all I hoped for was him.
Desire clenches my body
And my heart sags from hunger and devastation.
Papers filled top to bottom from lonely nights
When I tried to bring him back through magical words.
But my imaginative images only enhance my anxiety and make my desperation more evident.

How hopeless I've secretly become.

Is it quite possible for tomorrow to arrive at my doorstep
Without his presence lingering there from today?
The glass vase shatters upon my gentle touch
The lamp crashes to peices at my steps on tip toe
The frames fall at the sound of my breath sighing his name
What is PAIN?
Who can testify to MISERY?
Unrecognizeable-
Compared to this...
All I hoped for was him.

It's pathetic
How that feeling creeps back into my heart when I look in my rear view mirror to see his dress shirt lying comfortably in my backseat.
I haven't found the courage to move it or even touch it yet, for he would be the only texture that met my desperate hands.
It hasn't changed since he asked me to keep it in my car that day, which in turn gives me the insane notion that the two of us haven't changed;
That this is just a horrible dream and tonight I'll greet him on the sidewalk then watch him drive away at 7:00am just like I was previously accustomed to.
Silly
How the littlest things can affect a person to such an extent
Though blinded by tears
I can still see that shirt on him, and visualize it shaping the arms that I sunk too deeply into
After secretly falling head over heels at sunset...
Foolish

I don't care because:
*He smoked a cigarette every half of an hour
*He wanted to roll a joint before we did anything at all
*He's 23 and works at a restaurant
*He's 23 and doesn't even have a future plan for life
*He never called me beautiful unless it was about my face
*He didn't care enough to make phone calls
*Never tried to once comfort me amidst all the chaos i complained to him about
*He wasn't Jeremy

I care so much because:
*Every night was something more sweet
*He always wanted to do something romantic
*He was nice enough to pay for stuff and fill up my gas tank (just shows hes generous)
*He was an awesome kisser
*He made me feel happiness
*He made me feel good about myself when he called me his Girlfriend
*I felt wanted when he would grab a certain area on my body and call it his
* "We" were HIS idea and he was the one doing all of the decision making
*He promised that he'd prove me wrong about "typical relationships"

But out of the blue, after saying that my eyes were "ridiculously gorgous today" and that we were going to spend the night together, he randomly brings up these rumors...? I know I never spoke to anyone about any other server except Jason. Jason was the only person I talked about and the only one I cared about. I never played any games with him and flirted around with some other person that likes me. All the attention I wanted came from Jason...
And what made me even more upset, even sad, was that he accused me of creating drama with Jeremy. That I would get back together with him and realize that I miss him. I don't miss him and I haven't spoken to him since Jason had the talk with me about his worries.
I told him that this was his easy way out-
"No Sarah! I want to be with you but I don't want any games and I don't want to be left behind when you get back together with your ex! So why don't you deal with all of that and call me"
Fuck you Jason I'm never wasting my time on such a loser. Who cares how hot he is and all that superficial jazz. I don't deserve someone like that...and he sure as hell doesn't deserve me.
Though I'm very sad and I got so used to Jason, even after just two weeks I really developed a deep liking for him. I said things to him and offered things and he would say, "Really? Nobody has ever done that for me before" or, "I attract bitches so I'm not used to hearing that sort of thing". Well i told him how honest and nice I was and he said that was something he could get used to. I would have been the best thing for him.
Good thing I never slept with him agian since that awful night...
Then I'd seriously be a wreck

So this is what those girls are talking about with every complaint, every tear, and sigh. I don't understand how they can do it for so long, and be aware of the total disfunction without initiating any change. If a girl is dissatisfied with her lousy boyfriend, why can't she move on to something better? I'm definately not about to sit here with a smile while he does this crap and you can bet I will propose a change tonight. I'm not dealing with these asshole moves that he makes quite frequently. I forgot how it feels, being so used to be treated like a queen and all. I'm used to hearing from that special someone almost five times during the day, and then a conversation before bed. I'm accustomed to the obvious fact that he would want to spend every waking hour with me, and be thinking of me inbetween. Jason's a fucking loser...I mean c'mon, he's 23 and works at a restaurant. He's got a crotch rocket which isn't even practical considering a real man needs an actual car not a bike.
There are so many things about him that don't deserve a girl like me. Maybe I'm just acting a little conceited, but I'm starting to LISTEN to those who appreciate and admire me. Before I brushed off every compliment or notion of talent, and I think I should start to acknowledge it as truth. I especially began to ponder when me and the girls were chatting at the hostess stand about me and Jason. I got stuff like we made a hot couple and meshed well together...yeah. I was agreed we were cute and laughed about how I NEVER thought he would even look at me due to his sexy nature. He looked too far out of my league and out of reach. I got so many weird glares and "oh my god"'s when I said that. Then I got a speech from each girl on beauty, the radiance in which I carry myself, and blue eyes. Maybe I was setting my standards too low all along...? Jason isn't good enough for me
Why did he ask me to be with him anyways? He's not mature enough and doesn't want to answer to anyone but himself. And it's not even answering to me, it's simply calling.
I was so upset last night cause he had to work late and we didn't have dinner together, and then he went home. Well out of the blue I got a phone call right when I was at the peak of my sadness. It was Tim, he used to work with me and he's a very religious person. When we worked together I could hear him singing to himself gospel music and christian rock songs. Everytime we talked he was smiling and claiming him and the Lord were having a great day. His passion for Christ was something I never forgot and I believed that he was something special. Tim called and realized I was sad and so I explained it. He started telling me these quotes from the Bible and what the Lord says and will do. I listened very intently and took every word to heart. It was powerful words about companionship and where I'm seeking love. I complained that I was lonely and was always let down and he went on about how the Lord never let him down and even through trial and tribulations, Jesus was always there for him.
I broke down even harder...Why was he calling me? I hadn't spoken to Tim in months! Why now, of all the times was this man calling me and preaching to me. It seemed as though it was a sign from God and right as we were hanging up he said,
"Sarah, remember who called you tonight. The Lord called and spoke to you, not me"
I was in awe for the rest of the night. I was speechless and there was no denying that was odd and extremely coincidental.
I guess tonight when Jason comes over I'll be straight forward-
No more bullshit or else no more me.
The thing that really gets me is HE kept calling, HE asked me to be his, HE wanted all of this and I was grateful enough to come along for the ride.
Asshole

What did I say? Hold on I'm recalling the predictions from my last post...
Oh yes- the next time I wrote it would be wonderful, filled with bliss of how we spent our time. That night he did show up at 8:00...I said I really, honestly didn't appreciate the lack of courtesy he showed towards me.
"Even though you don't have any obligations to me...can't you atleast call? I was throwing away offers to DO things with friends that I could have done by now"
I got the apology deal and lotsa kisses which made my anger turn to lust. I can't stand the overpowering affect he has on me and how it only takes a smile or quick look of the eyes to make me melt. Jeremy never could do that...I need that attraction in me and I'm glad I have found it agian.
So we spent our Friday night in my living room talking and watching a movie that we really didn't pay any attention to. My mom was feeling shitty and she was crying a lot...so we went to Mcdonalds and got her a Big Mac. We went down to the causeway, rolled a joint and started talking more in depth. He said that we was thinking about me and he loved the way we were acting at the present time. My hopes fell and my heart sunk to my kness when I heard that,
"I don't want things to change between us, I like how things are going"
Being an insecure girl and having a lot of feelings for him, I took it that he didn't want to take us any more serious, no obligations, no relationship. Suddenly the night and the past few days turned to shit and were completely meaningless. He saw the look on my face and questioned what the problem was considering he said something "good" in his eyes. With a loud laugh and a frantic voice he asked me what I thought of his comment and how I interpreted it. I told him and he laughed harder calling me typial and questioned what type of guy did I think he was. He said that wasn't at all what he meant, in fact it was the complete opposite. Relief slowly started flowing through my body and I was at ease once agian. We went back to my house and we layed on the couch and agian he started asking me questions of our status. How was I supposed to answer those without knowing what he thought? I couldn't tell him the whole truth of my intentions and wants because what if he wanted nothing at all from me?
"What would you call us?"
Oh god...how could I say it without looking too desperate, or needy?
"I think...I don't know, I think....we are just two people who like eachother...?"
I looked quickly and anxiously at his face waiting for his response. Would he say something good or just bland so that I couldn't make out anything he was thinking. I asked him what he thought and he was silent and I took that horribly. In my head I was screaming a million miles a minute with questions and comments.
Finally he spoke very slowly, quietly, and nervously. He was really shy and made what he wanted to say even worse by drawing it out.
"Would you....Um...Well I was just wondering if...would you consider being my girlfriend?"
hahaha I accidentally laughed aloud and asked him if he was serious. He looked puzzled and almost scared at my reaction, as if he was a little kid about to be told that he wouldn't get dessert if he didn't eat the vegetables.
I was shocked, absolutely taken back by the question because as he was drawing it out I was wishing/thinking in my head,
"Wouldn't that be awesome if he asked me out. I'd be so happy, life would be great with him"
And then he did it, he asked me and stupid me being shy and speechless I simply kissed hard and smiled.
"Was that a yes kiss?"
So obviously we kissed for the rest of the night and I expressed my decision through kisses...It's comforting to lie with him and KNOW that I don't have to do anything to please him or to make things seem more worth while. After making the horrible mistake of seducing him on the 2nd night, I was mortified and feared that he would think that's what he could get any time. I talked to him about it and he assured me that wasn't what he was after and he wouldn't waste his time and money if he was. I believe him considering ever since that incident he's only kiseed me "downtown" and on the lips. Nobody has ever ventured south and made it feel so good...he's a keeper.

Last night was weird though. At work we were sweet to eachother and his buddies kept comin up to me and "congratulating" me and telling me how he talks about me and really likes me. So work was nice with his little smiles amidst the busy atmosphere and his occasional hang time by the hostess stand to "look at the board and his tables". We went to the movies and something was wrong with him. I got so worried that maybe he had changed his mind, or rethought what he asked me. He said he wasn't going to tell me until the next day and that made me so upset. He acted kinda distant and I was sooo disapointed to the point that I just wanted to leave and go home. He said he was tired and he wanted to get some sleep so right when we got to my house he left. I decided not to fret cause that's how you get upset and hurt, so I called my sister and we talked for a long time. I got a beep from a weird number and it was Jason saying that he was sorry and he didn't want to go home so could he come back over.
We went to the beach and on the way he expressed how we was worried and didn't think I was over Jeremy. He thought that we would talk and miss eachother and eventually get back together.
That's ridiculous, and that's when I took it upon myself to tell him the detials and explain why I could never get back with him. He said that my relationship sounded like his previous one so he could understand and relate. After that he felt better and was a lot more happy.
We took a blanket down to "our secluded spot" and layed there for a long time. We kissed and talked and it was nice to just lie there with someone who cares. I forgot how much I missed kissing someone and loving it; how much I had been lacking the attraction and desire for the person who was on top of me. It was nice to have someone like him there with me and there wasn't any pressure or beholden feeling that I should be DOING something for him.
He just called and he's still at work...
I'm making dinner for us and then I have to think of something randomly fun to do afterwards.
Happiness at last...

I deleted the previous posts that were so truthful that it got me in so much trouble. Turns out the one person that I wrote about was nosy and pigheaded enough to find them. Interesting...
With the "oh well" state of mind I am happy to annouce that J and I have lost the game I wanted to banish for so long. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy our time, it's just that it troubled and stressed me out thinking of my feelings in comparison (or should I say contrast) to his. We clashed like purple and red; the differences ranging from ideas, beliefs, and how we wanted to be seen from other's eyes. Life will go on for me, and eventually it will for him. I'm suffocating in guilt and misery just thinking of how he's taking it, and what he's going through. It reminds me of when Jim and my mom split. She didn't get out of bed for days, she didn't sleep, nor did she eat. Her voice left her after she didn't speak for so long and the simple task of walking around the house became an akward movement to her legs. She got over it after awhile, the meds and therapy did her some good and she's almost the same now. It's crazy to think that's what LOVE can do. I hope I'm never in that situation, though I'm already beginning to feel like shit. And why would I feel so bad being single and without the ball and chains to hold me down. In all honesty it's another one, another to add to my list that will probably end up in bitter love and disapointment. Mark my words Jason has full potential of hurting me. I can see already the way that my heart reacts to the sight of him, and how my hopes soar when he speaks avidly of how much he likes me. Yes, this could be the sign of trouble. Although I can't help but comparing Jason to Jeremy...
Jason doesn't compare to Jeremy. Jeremy would never never do the little things that Jason misses. Jeremy wouldn't forget to call, or not call me inbetween the times we see eachother. He wouldn't dare miss the opportunity to help or touch me, nor would he leave out questions or conversation with actual merit. Jason is sweet like Jeremy in some ways. He knows how much I love my arms and hands rubbed, so he grabs my hand all the time to do it without me having to tell him. I love the feeling of minding my own business driving with both hands on the wheel, then having it taken away to be caressed out of the blue. Makes me feel good to simply be sitting on the couch and having random kisses strategically placed about my face and hands. We watched the sun go down on Wednesday...while sitting in front of him between his legs I discovered that his head fits perfectly in the corner where my neck and shoulders connect. Though I know that I'm thinking far too deeply into the small things like holding hands and making plans for the following week when it's only the middle of the present week.
I have to remember how vulnerable I am. I forgot how I attatch myself to those I find intriquing and desireable. How could I forget that feeling I had afterwards...? I'm feeling it now. I felt that way last night and I expressed it in many different ways! I was happy at first, considering me and Jason weren't sposed to talk till he got off work. But he called me when he was at work and said he had a second and wanted to say hello. I thought that was sweet and he called me like he said he would at 6:45...then he said he'd call back in a half hour. Well...it wasn't until 9:00 that he showed up at my house. I was so pissed. He said he'd lost track of time...WONDERFUL.
Today I woke up to a voicemail from 9:00am saying that he was just saying hi and he would see me at work. Well at work he was all happy and said that he would wait for me to get off work then we could go to his house and let him change, then to mine to hang out. THEN he leaves at 3:30 and says he'll call me when he gets done with laundry. Um ok, that's fine. Laundry doesn't take fucking three hours considering it's 6:30. I'm gonna need some boots cause his shit is getting to deep to walk through. Asshole.
We'll see...I bet tomorrow when I come home I'll be happy and cheery writing about what a great night we had. I can already see this as an emotional rollercoaster...
Fucking clean...real clean.