This is my favorite foot...everyone loves my little feet with my little baby toes (No thankyou very much, I am NOT in the slightest bit bored! Geez I just thought it was a good idea to take a picture of my foot) 

I'm such a freaking nerd....but I just looked down for a second and saw how the "street lights on that dark night made me feel more" when it glistened on ours two hands rested gracefully on my legs... 

Look at this die hard, native Gainesville boy wearing an enemy SEMINOLE'S T-shirt! What would our parents say? 

hehehe....sexy aint I? 

Oh my gosh, every time we aren't together I feel like it's going to end up like every other time. Why do I care though? Cause, oh yeah, I don't want to argue with falling in love with him.

I don't want to fight it, I don't want to worry about getting hurt, I just want to get it over with. And when was the last time I wanted to fall in love for a

SUBSTANTIAL, GOOD, HONEST REASON...?

Ohhh that's right...never in my life.

Well ok so Alex wants me to take him to Gville tonight...WTF? The earliest I can go is Thursday afternoon, given I e-mail the assignment to my education teacher. But I want to know why and with who and all that good stuff.
Ok this is an edited insert- alex and I had a bit of miscommunication with the whole Gville thing! I called him and about it I asked him if Friday we were going together and he sounded confused when he answered, "I hope so..."



Should I break away? Should I let it go a little bit and just kinda be like, "Whatever?" Lol! Yeah right....it's way too late for that

I'M FUCKED

Ughh....last night it hit me when Alex was rubbing my leg and I was squirming to pull them both together before his hand reached the spot....

My second one.

What am I considered like a real woman now? My best friend gets them like she gets her period which I feel bad for her in that respect. Dammit...but another one? Now I'm going to have to go to the store and look like a fucking scum bag while I check out and pretend to be on the phone saying, "How is it? Well don't worry sweety I got the stuff and I'll be there in like 20 minutes"

Then I'll smile and use words like, "poor girl" or "I feel so bad for her"

The first time this happened was probably in December and it was HELL. I remember laying there after using the "medicine" thinking that it was all going to drip out of me while I slept. Oh my gosh I don't even want to think about it, and then there's the awful possibility that it WONT work and I'll have to make an apt. and get something expensive to cure this disgusting "problem".

The more I grow up and make observations, the more I have come to realize that women most definatly have it rough!

I was up so late last night. Alex's loan went through so instead of me taking him to Carrabbas he wants to do the opposite! I think? It was a hazy conversation and I'll ask questions later but It's lookin good for me. We are probably gonna go this weekend in Gainesville....
I'm gonna work on Saturday morning to get some work done and some cash flow.

CASH FLOW?

I'm suprised I can still spell or even remember the word! It's been so long since I have honestly worked....oh well I'm kinda complaining but soon enough I'll get a job agian.

Hopefully the weekend will bring nice weather and we can go to the lakehouse...that would be a nice, calm, kinda romantic day. Alex is switching to "mid check" meaning he works from 10:00pm to 6:00am. Better than what he does now cause we hardly have any time to DO anything. So when I get out of class and through with everything which would be around 2 or 3...then we can hang out. I'm glad for that and I can also get a really good night's rest. I'm about to head into math in a couple minutes...but I'm running on maybe 3 hours of sleep.
WISH ME LUCK TODAY- I'VE GOT MUCH TO DO

Yeah I figured I would be someone's eye candy in this knock out dress. One of the famous three (except did I tell you? My favorite one BROKE! ). I haven't been to my normal Psych. class since like...damn I can't remember. I cut that class to sleep in and go to the same one but on different days and later times. But I went to my Tues/Thurs class today and looked absolutly...nothing short of AMAZING.

This 100% silk dress totally lined with beads and lace was my weapon for destruction. This guy, who doesn't talk to me, just stares. Stares so hard and for so long I'm almost positive if I stayed in the class he'd fail. Okay so I'm definatly exaggerating but the kid is a looker.

But hey, I even looked at myself today so I'll cut some slack. I first saw him in my chiropracter's office and we looked and realized the very next day we had the same class. He's cute but he's knows it...enough said right? The last thing I want is a conceited frat boy who apparently can't coordinate himself well enough in his macho sport to not INJURE himself pretty badly. I saw what the doctor was doing to him...poor guy musta been watchin a girl instead of playing the game. Fucking retard...

Yeah I'm mean but I feel strongly about the ones who completely fit the college boy stereo-type. I'm also judging him cause I don't know him...but that's ok it's kinda amusing right? Whatever, I'm completely satisfied with Alex and definatly do not intend to look for anyone else. CA-RAZY ISN'T IT?

Ok...I'm a little bit upset at the moment. First thing...I noticed which wasn't too bad is that Danielle uses my laptop (WHY WHEN SHE HAS HER OWN IS BEYOND ME). That's fine though it doesn't bother me at all. Um...me and Alex walk in and shes on my bed. Uhhh ok? I guess mine is just really really comfortable. No big deal...
Today I come in and there is all this downloaded fucking bull shit on my laptop! NO!

NO

NO! I am not having that! I bought this laptop brand new because my other one is full of shit on it and it's slow. I'm not fucking this one up. So I fucking uninstalled whatever the fuck it was and now there is something else on the tool bar that I don't know how to get off. Go fucking do bull shit on YOUR laptop. That pisses me off like you wouldn't believe. I'm not about to get on her laptop and start putting shit on hers.

Oh my gosh...anyways.

I'm about to go to my philosophy class and do a presentation. How about I'm totally gonna look like the girl who didn't DO SHIT and wants to get an A but can't really answer any questions regarding the main idea. Dammit! That's ok I think I can wing it, I definatly contributed my ideas! But they just weren't taken into consideration due to lack of content and logical value. THAT'S NOT MY FAULT THOUGH! (lol right?)
I don't care because I got an 84% on my psychology exam! Oh I'm so happy I did well on it. I studied all that weekend too so I deserved it for sure. And my next one is next Tuesday so I'm gonna study really hard to get an A+ (dream on)


Why do I keep thinking about Alex? What is it that compells one's mind to dream and fantasize about another person? Like what is it about him that makes me feel so weak? I don't understand how two people can come together as a whole...? How do I know that these feelings aren't just a product of my dreams? Ok that was a dumb one! I know the way I feel for Alex is real and there wouldn't be an end to the conversation of reason if it started
This still plagues my mind regardless of my certainty

Oh my cock....

Oh my cock....

Maybe it wasn't the perfect timing, or maybe it wasn't even the scenario I pictured...but it happened. I was awful pushy about it too, I just got so wrapped up in the moment I couldn't help myself. I imagined much sweeter and there's some regret lingering in the memory, but what can you do?

It was...different! It began so great, so intense and sweet. And that was for a good few minutes, and then it was...DONE.

Yeah...DONE/OVER/TERMINATED/FINISHED/HISTORY....

It's um...it's ok no problem. Its been awhile, that's ok, I wasn't that far off myself. All jokes aside, it's fine and I understand...

I

JUST

FEEL

SO

DAMN

GOOD!

(kidding! Yeah right)

But I must say that it's a bit different than my usual sex capades...I'm not so much selfishly thinking about "getting mine"

I'm feeling his bare skin brush agianst mine...Our wet lips touching eachother while silently speaking something I'm almost positive is one sided...I'm actually taking the time to uplift myself to get the sensation of being close as humanly possible.

(that sounds so retarded...let's not repeat that)

****

****

I can't talk anymore about him I'm gonna get sick. I feel way too much for this little body of mine (even though it's not that little).

PINCH ME PLEASE

I MUST BE DREAMING

Whoa whoa whoa...slow down. Darling all dreams aside- whose right is it to use "love" and "sarah" in the same sentence in regards to my posessions?! How scary to read someone comparing the best thing in the world to something I have!

But who knows if I really even have or if it's just my imagination...?

Maybe all this relationship is, is just FUN for him and something more to me. Key word here being, "Navy Boy"...and the only thing that pops into my head is a 6 year committment to too many places and possibly the girls that live there. One can only hope for the sense a man has that he can be committment free of a girl and still have fun. I'd be totally fine just hanging out with him as beneficial friends and he could have others on the side (hold on let me read that agian...ok I changed my mind-no I wouldn't)
So since he isn't, doesn't that mean something good for me? He could have all the girls he wants but...he isn't?

It's a good possibility that all of that up there was written because I'm...insane.

Ok so I totally went shopping today and I did really good. Three dresses that can be either casual or VERY dressy. And the best part about these originally hundred somethin dollar dresses was...I got them ridiculously cheap. They were like over 100 dollars each and I definatly got them for like 20 dollars! It was fate how that one day sale and I just so happened to meet!

YEAUH!

And I picked up a pair of DKNY sun glasses that are awesome. Nothin like my BCBG ones though... :(:( (Damn ocean waves)

Sounds like I'm a big name brand person huh? Well I definatly am...I can't swallow the idea of buying something that isn't known. Incredibly, SHALLOW I know but atleast I can admit it right? Like I loooove going thrift store shopping, it's like a hobby, but I won't buy anything unless it's a name brand. But atleast I go thrifting!!! It's a form of redeeming my superficiality (is that a word?).

I want to look really sweet when I got to Alex's tonight. The last time I wore a dress he was dramatically impressed! And this one is way way nicer. The material on two of them is silk and this really sheer material, and the Ralph Lauren one is cotton but it has that sheer material as the outer layer too. Really cute, I'll have to take pictures.

Anyways...I made the silly mistake of responding to Jeremy's text message. Next thing I know he's bragging about how he just gave all his [ugly] clothes to goodwill and bought a whole new wardrobe. Which indirectly points to how well this new job of his is going...not to mention he's going to Hallowscream and him and his little church slut are staying in the Hyatt...
(Look that doesn't impress me cause I was hotel jaded by Jim who took us to much more upscale places than the fucking HYATT! )
And the whole dissing on military salary is just retarded...not to mention 5th grade behavior. Personally there was a time when I wanted to be with someone for money and materialistic things, but I'm not that kind of girl (for now).
Alex is great and I admire his committment to the Navy
Putting down those in the military is just stupid and making a weak attempt at trying to make me look at what I could have had...
It never appealed to me since the Ale House....or the hampton inn.
Oh shoot, I forgot he reads this from time to time....my bad


If you want to know my opinion on it, if one has so much and is so happy with everything, boasting is useless and just proves that there is truly something missing in your heart. And I think that some people don't even realize it, but there most certainly must be something worth being spiteful over so it's a priority to augment what really isn't there.
Interesting huh?

I feel like I'm almost stuck here. I just want to go back to Jacksonville to be around him, it's one of the only things that makes me feel good....I guess you could say that?

Ummm...I had an interesting conversation last night with one of Alex's friends. I didn't know that I had previously met him before so it was kinda cool. But he was giving me the 411 on Alex and how he talks about me all the time. At first I didn't really think he was telling the truth and then he's like, "So you wanted a 20 ounce steak this morning huh?" I laughed cause it was 9:30am and I was saying to Alex how great Outback Steakhouse would be...
So I believed he was being for real and he told me stuff like how Alex gives up things to simply spend the night with me and how he's such a great guy and I'm so lucky. He was very nice so I took it upon myself to make him and my roommate Danielle talk on the phone. So I hope they start talking and we can all be bestest friends!

So...college life. It seems that I left out so much great stuff that happened because I wanted to conceal my "fun". First thing I have to say reluctantly say is I can't be a cheerleader here. I made it, I practiced, but I couldn't do it. I can't stunt with this arm and this stupid back. I feel like a douche bag for even trying, but now I just have to get better and kick some ass in the spring. I'm so pissed though...

Um ok, first off think about high school. I was the shit and everyone knew me, I had no problem with being a dork because everyone knew me and accepted me as well as LIKED me. I was known and I was definatly somebody. Here...? I have to make a name for myself, I have to put effort into making who I am ALL OVER AGIAN. Sucks royally.

I don't want to get into the whole dating thing cause it just looks like I'm promiscious...so I'm gonna leave it out unless otherwise requested and leave it at this:

I'm becoming more aware of reality (for lack of better words). For me it was always a challenge to get someone, and when it was done I was done. Once I had that guy or that certain image I wanted from him, I wanted someone else. But now It's quite different and I can honestly say that I know myself a little bit more to understand the difference between temptation and infatuation, even wishes from PURE TRUTH and love. It's an interesting understanding and extremely different. I'm the most emotional person in the aspect of it all...I don't get WHY or HOW. Every time(I know I know I've said this before) I think about him and think about what I want, I tear up. I get this feeling of emotion and almost sadness when I think about it. Just because it seems like I can't ever be that happy as I wish to be. But I definatly acknowledge that this is real and this is a learning experience in love. I know what it means to look at someone and see the aging process as a gift and see an image of the least simplistic life possible, and be satisfied. And look how long it took me...not even 30 days to recognize what I want in life and where I want to be. Whether it's Alex or not, he has shown me exactly what it's supposed to be like and he will always stand as the model of the perfection I've always tried to find.
ok so im done upsetting myself for today...

I believe there are good days...and then there are certainly bad days!

Not to say that yesterday was a seriously bad day, but it wasn't anything to brag about. Me and Alex hung out and pretty much just went to sleep...? We had to get up pretty early, so I guess that's ok. Some nights the way we are together is just amazing, last night felt good but nothing spectacular. He said he was in a bad mood, but still generally sweet and fun. But when he's in a good mood I can definatly tell.
We fell asleep holding hands with his head nestled deeply into my neck; My hand up over my head which fell conveinantly into his hair.

Interesting how people can presume to try and understand one another. And they use their inclinations as a license to inflict emotional joy or pain! Keep in mind that this is a world where what we want is only what we want until it's ours....(compliments of those one guys who sing that one song)

Ummm....class in 30 minutes. Presentation in about 45 minutes...
Yeah how about I barely understand the topic in which I am arguing. EUTHANASIA WHAT? Some kinda topic that I somewhat have to AGREE with rather than OPPOSE which is the stand I am presently taking. My logic and my arguement is full of traps and the second I get up there Alteri is going to tear me apart, along with the other side of the arguement. Oh well I gave a really good try and I also have three other girls who are in the same boat as me. DOIN' GOOD!

So Alex (yeah I know im goin back to that silly subject agian...) definatly shows the signs I want to see in a GOOD relationship. Especially at the early hours of the morning...
HE'S READY TO GO! If I were to roll over and just so happen to be NAKED, there wouldn't be any hesitation. I wake up to his hands in my pants and his breath on my neck. Looking good from my angle...
I cant wait to lose the flow this month so I can atleast have some ::fun::
It's been a little over a month so I think I can let something happen...but I'm gonna wait longer for sex. We both want it, and think about it, and talk about it...but why give in so easily and so early. I don't want to be ripped of my pride and respect I deserve. Atleast give me the gift of a secure relationship before I give all of myself, the second we have sex is the second I fall in love. No joke...it's disgusting isn't it? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't fall in love with a person I have sex with...or should I? Is that right, I mean I hear about people falling in love within even a shorter time, and sometimes before they even FORMALLY meet. So why should I be ashamed like I am? Sometimes when I look at him and feel the way that I do, I try and push it away because I fear the most he doesn't look at me the same. I worry he's in the Navy just lookin to pass the time he's got left here. I don't know how to deal with it, but I do know how easy it would be if everything was mutual.
EVERYTHING...

:(

S: Soooo are you gonna go to Gainesville this weekend?

A: Only if you go...

Yeauh! Any other answer and I'd give him the ol' one, two. I'm heading over there tonight and I'm so overdue for a visit. He couldn't have been any sweeter last night

A: I want to cuddle with you

S: ::Silence:: (cause I'm a little schocked)

A: I'm holding my pillow just wishing it was my little Sarah....

Yeauh! That's twice and I didn't even have to ask a QUESTION to get a good answer.

I suppose it's too difficult to decipher between the two. One being so superficial and cliche, and the other proving to be so different. Maybe not YET proving but definatly looking in the opposite direction of "fake".

Practice was okay...I learned some more cheers and then we stunted, wait did I say we? Them I mean...excluding me. I just stood on the side of my group and spotted (which means nothin). I feel like my back is prohibiting me from so much. It's fucking retarded, how can I do anything, contribute anything to a team without stunting???? COLLEGIATE level not to mention!

I suppose I will just get over it and if they drop me they drop me right? (WRONG- I'll feel like the biggest fucking idiot in the world)

I miss Alex and all I thought about today was him. Can you keep a secret? I really don't want anyone to know, but today, as I was thinking about all the great aspects about him and the depths of my cares for him...I teared up. I know it's ludacris! I don't know what to do with my emotions...

get over it sarah

Last night was a long long night...

I didn't even get over to base until freakin 12:30 or something...? I was so glad he even wanted to hang out since he had to walk to the gate agian. I really appreciate it and it means a lot.

We watched Top Gun and I learned so much! Like it's really interesting when you know what's going on. And I learned the hand motions they use when planes take off.

I think after this CERTAIN week is over, I might put a little somethin somethin into the relationship. Nothing huge or anything, but just enough to keep it interesting. I just don't want anyone to lose sight of what I would think is important ya know?

Heading off to Gainesville this weekend...not too sure if it will be Friday evening or night. Depends on if Alex wants to come with me. I kinda want to spend some time with Jeff and the Fam. I'm also deeply hoping I can go into the office for a couple of hours on Saturday morning then go to the Lake. I hope it's nice out, even if it isn't I'm still gonna take my homework down there and just RELAX!

Relax? Wow that's something I definately need to do. I'd enjoy it more if it was with Alex but I will take what I can get. I can't wait to lay down on the dock and hear the water smack agianst the sun basking wood.

I am totally falling for Alex

Yeah...I'm like, THE best girlfriend.

I'm so tired, exhausted, brain dead...but I'm awake and waiting.

I think I saw like, a million different things about marriage today(no no I'm not thinking about marriage now)! Me and Danielle pretty much laid it out starting months before to months after. (Ok so I was kinda alone on a lot of it but she definatly DID contribute to my imaginative conversation...)

I'm such a nerd.

I'm a little stressed! How do I say it...? My creative pen has ran out of ink? Yeah I haven't written any poetry in like weeks. And that isnt too unusual when someone is happy. Because my inspiration naturally feeds off of some kind of dissatisfaction, but I'm almost lacking it. I mean I could write a novel about what I want from Alex and how worried I am. I mean I make a movie in my head almost every day...but GOOD poetry, I'm slackin.

Oh well...I guess

What a weekend! It was my first weekend in Jacksonville that was ENJOYABLE. And I absolutely stress the word enjoyable.

Friday me and Danielle moved the shit out of my rooms...Oh my cock- I mean gosh, I have so much shit. I didn't realize how much CLOTHES I have until I try to cram it all into this CUBICLE of a room.

Then around 10:30 I went out with Alex and his friend that recently got married. She's definatly not the type of girl I would have put with this guy but I guess love is funny like that. She's the sweetest thing I have ever seen, very meek and soft spoken while he's loud and boisterous. I had to like squeeze information out of her but at least she wasn't like the bitchy kind of girl.

Saturday we went to the beach! All of us got lunch and then went to the beach on base which was quiet and very private. The waves were huge and I lost my fucking BCBG sunglasses. Oh my gosh I fucking bought those stupid things RETAIL!!!!! dammit! Whatever...and I found them cause we were kinda feelin around with our feet and I definatly had them in between my toes but I flipped out cause I thought it was some sea creature. I'm such an idiot.


Sunday (TODAY) we went to see Sky Captian movie(uhhh it was ok but definatly not my choice). Yeah if that doesn't prove I like him I don't know what does, cause that movie just was not on my A list. Then we went grocery shopping. And that was so much fun. We were like spraying all these products and picking the best ones, and then I was eating the food he was buying then I would put it back and get a brand new one. He's so fun and it's so great cause he's just like me.



Oh my gosh! The most ironic thing happened today, though one might think I wouldn't find it so odd considering it happens more often than not! But what do ya know, a PRIVATE number called me...agian! WOW! And I answered it, despite the million miles away and as impossible as it seems I got this vibe from the person on the other end. At first I thought it was just a headache or something but then it became clear to me that I could sense who was on the other end. It was a little hazy at first but sure enough I came to see that it was DEFINATELY that fucking loser without a life or someone to TRULY care for, that apparently likes to act out in psychotically,obsessive manners. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Sure I'd love to casually converse with that person but it's always competitive and I think that person actually believes that I care. If you didn't know there was some major editing of the bull shit and that wasn't because of spite or embarassment. It was actually SHAME and DISAPOINTMENT for lying to myself...believe what you will but I'm a much better liar than you are.

Shit shit shit....

I just wanted to close my eyes for one second before I woke up...but naturally that turned into 45 minutes and the next thing I knew I was 45 minutes late for class.

So immediatly I went to my lap top and E-mailed my professor and told her that I had X-Rays at the chiropracter and could supply a doctors note (cause I can...Dr. Whatever his name is will front me). I have to go in to the chiropracter today at 4:00pm so I can have him do a little switchin of the times. I can't wait though...I get therapy today. I haven't had massage therapy in like a week (I'm feenin')

Having a quiz next class that I am carrying little or no knowledge for. Hope someone is watching over me

School is rough. Gets harder and harder to wake up for the classes and to do the work. I'm not ignoring my work or putting it behind me, but it's quite a load I'd love to give to someone else. This compared to next semester is going to be a breeze though. My spring schedule is retarded

Alright...How about my fucking ass just got brutally BEATEN. Not just smacked around a little bit, I'm talking about pounded into the ground. And who would have guessed...? I'm such a sweet, innocent young girl who would WANT to even push me around?

I guess United Cheerleading did...

It was most definately one of the most intimidating experiences of my life. These girls have been cheering, stunting, competing for way longer than I have. I haven't even cheered for like a year. And anyways, the shit we did was just crowd pleasers and dances. We stunted; basket tosses, Libs, and scorpians (obviously we did halfs and extensions) but um COLLEGIATE STUNTS? No...

I can't even base that stuff. I was mortified they even wanted me to! I had to! What was I supposed to say no? Yeah how would this sound, "Yeah I want to be on the team, but I'm not gonna do this this and this...ok?!"

Yeah they will tell me to go fuck myself and leave. So I tried but I honestly, psyhically cannot. I wanted to cry my back was in such pain. I need like a gallon of biofreeze and some electros before I go every time! Anyways I'm not gonna be a base and that's that. Whether they kick me off the team or not.

But I'm a cheerleader, wait wait hold on, a COLLEGE cheerleader! That sounds so much better than a high school cheerleader. I can't wait to cheer at the games. And Alex was so cute and so supportive! He left me a message when I was in the cheer gym and he was like "I wanna hear about your super cheer, but I already know that you rocked the house" And then he asked when my first game was going to be...he's great.
How sweet...I'm gonna call him back and say goodnight soon. I miss him so much, and our texting today was sooo adorable. I love my little Navy Boyfriend!!

Ok so the most boring, unnecessary, gayest, fucking class starts in like 8 hours. I'm gonna go brain dead...but I won't leave early this time! I'm going to stay, participate, listen, STUDY!
Uhhh...yeah? How bout not on that one. I can't even WALK...maybe I should skip and say I was physically ill!? Nah...I gotta go. This class is only once a week and if I miss it, I'll be so behind.

Well...looking forward to the weekend for sure. I'll be glad when it's Friday night and I can fall asleep next to Alex. Do I sound like I love him? I mean if one was to read as far back as I started writing about him, would somebody say, "Oh yeah she's definatly in love with him". It's been such a short time but...I don't think love can be measured by time. Love at first sight? (I don't know about that one)

Here is a stupid point to ponder:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"
Ok...so it sounds nice, but philosophically speaking...it's bull shit. According to a philiosopher and his ethics, the way to judge the validity is to take a vote. Sounds silly but really, you ask the person one side of the claim and then the other(I think that's right...I might be fucking this up though). But nobody can love and lose, as well as never love. So the people who have never loved, don't really know what they are missing, and the people who love and lose can't make a comparision.(that part was right...you can quote me on it)

So you see it sound pretty and poetic...but it's garbage

Aright now I'm starting to talk out of my ass...GOOD NIGHT

Have you seen this color blue?

What about this one?

My eyes look like this today...and sometimes when I turn my head just right it looks like this...

I don't know exactly what it is...but I've never seen blue like that before. Something has definatly changed though I can't find the guts to admit it. Last time I said that, hah, it was a lie. A lie told because there wasn't anyone else to tell it to. And now those days are thankfully over with the relief of new ones! I want to confess to myself and accept it, though I'm too afraid this time because it's REAL. I'm not playing a game to see how long it takes for me to win...

Today I briefly thought about early this morning with alex, and without my consent, a soft moan came creeping through the crevice of my lips. It was so unexpected, and I was shocked and looked to see if anyone heard me. I've never let out sighs or anything of that nature without first acknowledging it would happen. My heart there after definatly skipped atleast 2 beats and my stomach turned over and over.

I think my biggest fear is he's going to wake up and say, "I changed my mind". I don't think that's going to happen just because the way we are right now, but it troubles me. I've never wished so many times a day, and prayed so much in my life. Not wishful, selfish prayers. Thankful and apologetic prayers. Acknowledging where I went wrong before, and promising, if not assuring that this if possible would most definatly be different.

Mrs. Alex Cook...
Professor Cook

I just wanted to see what it looked like (don't act like you didn't know EVERY girl does it), don't jump to any conclusions

Have me as you will...I'll take what I can get

Wooooo...so last night was really fun. We talked about a lot of stuff and kissed for the longest time ever. It was different agian. Getting more comfortable..but not too much

I thought of nothing more than giving in to all of it and trying/allowing to get what I wanted. But where's the specialness in all of that? It hasn' t even been a month. He doesn't try to go there, but that's good to me. As much as I do, I definatly don't and would regret it if we did.

Tonight I have cheerleading till 11:00pm (If all goes according to plans....aaaahhhh wish me luck) so I'm not going to Alex's. Plus I have the worst fucking class of my life tomorrow. Ew! Intro to Education. It's a horrible 3 hour long class that starts at 8:00am! EW! I'm definatly not looking forward to it, and I'm not going to get to sleep very early at all cause I'm moving tonight when I get back. Ugghh....

Friday I'm going over to Alex's and then Saturday we are going to the beach!!! I'm so excited but I don't know why. We never have time to DO much cause it's so late (except walk on the beach at night) so we are making a day of something. And then I reluctantly agreed to watch that STUPID DUMB movie Sky cap or whatever...? Oh my goodness...he said "Man, I wish I could find a girl to watch that with me. It would totally prove she liked me"
And I said, "Your an asshole if you play that game of proving....but I'll watch it with you"

Soooo...we will see how that one goes. It looks so incredibly RETARDED( kinda like you huh? wow what a coincidence)
Um it happened really fast last night and I don't even know WHY? We had been sleeping for like 3 hours and I got up to get a drink and then I came back and he was holding me like he was awake (when he sleeps he just holds my hand or puts his hands on my legs). But I wasn't too sure until he was like rubbing my legs and pulled it over his own legs...I thought maybe he was half awake and wanting to be sweet. Uh...he was definatly sweet alright. He definatly wanted to do something and it took my atleast 15 minutes to let it happen...I'm so crazy about someone actually going inside of my clothes ya know? I don't know if I like it until I'm really comfortable. But I let it happen and I wasn't complaining afterwards. I don't know why he did it, but It was definatly a treat at 4:30 in the morning. Imagine if we lived together, I could casually wake him up and we could get it on. That's the kinda guy I need...ready at all times pretty much.

I am starting to realize that I'm really liking him. It seems to go beyond the boundaries of a normal crush and into the unmentionable areas. Unmentionable because I don't say the L word or anything along those lines in reference to me and truth. I can joke about love and toss around the idea playfully...but when we're talking business it's strictly prohibited.

Prior to meeting him, I had this defense up and I was very secure about what I wanted to do. But one look, one touch from him, and all that was just meaningless words scattered on the floor.

There isn't anything more than this right now, that I'd want and nurture forever.

Highlights of the night:
*Alex walking two miles to the front gate after a lONG day of work
*Talking about what we want in life (Go figure, it was relatively the same)
*Him wishing me luck tonight with cheer (that's so sweet of him to even REMEMBER)
*That feeling in my gut I get everytime he touches me...

So I found that people actually ask the question, "who are you" when getting to know someone. Ok so in almost the same context I say that (more or less)
And it's funny because some guys would totally be into telling me what it means to be them, and other guys (the ones I didn't necessarily call back) would be like, "Uhhh...I'm just me, ya know..."

So then I was like, Hmmm...what would I say to that question??

I dream of having that, can't-eat-can't-sleep-reach-for-the-stars-over-the-fence-world-series-200%-head-over-heels type of love
I'm a writer
I'm a dork
I love poetry on pretty paper
I love my watch
My sister and I tear up the town(and the boys)when in washington
The hiccups make me depressed (no they really do, i hate them)
I used to wear an egagement ring on my finger
I'm a name-brand freak
I'm a thrift store junkie
I hate girls with blonde hair who have black roots(weird i know)
I talk to myself
I wish I could drop out of school and get married
I want to have the 7th heaven type family(5 kids..yeauh)
I want to be the most sought out college professor teaching creative writing
Im self conscious
I change my underwear atleast 3 times a day (makes me feel like a whole new woman)
I in fact do not think I'm a woman...I feel like a girl sometimes...A little girl with a little body :(
I struggle to define myself as a person
I know exactly what I want from a person in life
I think I met the person, or the model, of who I want to be with forever
I have a habit of wasting food
I hate ICE CREAM
I hate hot dogs
I'm in love with chicken ceaser salads
I love driving, but I hate spending the gas
Id love to lay on the beach with alex all day...everyday
I love the smell of new plastic
I hate the smell of rybe bread
I used to lie a lot...mostly to myself
I used to play people for fools
I used to tell boys what I wanted to feel but never really did
I have had sex with too many people that nobody really has any idea about
Chewing ice is fun
I'm obsessed with spending
I love getting text messages from alex (latest one: Its the weirdest thing, i just saw your name in the helicopter exhaust)
I remember what people call me,good or bad
I get nervous easy
Pictures are my favorite
I love my butt (and so does everyone else)
I want to quit playing games and get what I want...forever
I want to write poetry books
I want to be known
I'm terrified of walking through life unnoticed
I'm petrified of being alone...(in any way)
I'm so sweet...so sweet....
Nobody but alex has seen the real Sarah...how I can be, how I can speak, how my demeanor changes with one look into his eyes
I miss my mother
I wish I hand't lost my innocence at the premature age of 5
I wish I wasnt spiteful
I'm spiteful...
I never want to be looked upon as a "Sad" person ever agian
I'm conceited...sometimes
I used to look far down on others
I used to be the shit now I'm college and nobody knows my name
I love my family
My family calls me "sassafrass"
I used to be sassy to my mom
I used to be a brat and cry when I didn't get my way
I'm an only child
I love my dog Jayden
I'm obsessed with guitar playing men
I like to argue...and make a point
I like to be on TOP...of EVERYTHING


Yeah thats me...give or take a few

I'm so tired! Oh my goodness I don't think I've been this tired in so long...I don't think I'll make it to 10:30pm.

One thing is for sure...I should stop skipping class even though I know nothing is happening. I'm not going to skip anymore. It's not a good habit to get into at all. I just need to keep thinking that this schedule is only temporary and I know how to prepare myself for the spring.

I got a really cute text message today:

"I saw your face in the clouds so I thought I would say hello"

Hehehe...he always writes goofy stuff like that.

Uhhh...so I'm about to go upstairs and learn a cheer for my try out tomorrow. Try outs were definatly last weekend but I called the coach and he said I could have a personal try out! If he didn't want anymore girls on the team he definatly wouldn't waste my time so I'm extremely excited. So I'm trying to get ahead of the game and be totally prepared. My toe touch is out of whack but hopefully I can pull it together tomorrow night.

Alex seemed excited for me. He was all asking questions about when the games were and stuff...so I better have my own personal cheerleader in the stands watching me. I'm so hoping that I make the team, and from what my friends were telling me, it's ridiculously easy. I just really want to do it cause I love cheerleading and COLLEGE cheerleading is tha shit! Oh my goodness, imagine all the recognition I'd get. Woo hoo!!
Aright, I'm off so more on my night later....

Unfortunatly the night didn't go according to plans...

Yes I was disapointed but NO I will not demonstrate those assets that push people away. He ended up playing football with some friends around 10 and then called me around 11:30 to say goodnight and talk to me about my day and what not. I wasn't mad at all but I was kidding around hoping to hear something sweeet by saying,

"Do you have anything you want to say to me?"

"I miss you...!"

"I miss you too...anything else?"

"Im sorry for hanging out with my friends...."

Uh no Alex...I was shocked to hear that. You don't apologize for hanging out with friends, that's something you are allowed to do. I told him that there wasn't any reason to be sorry. I don't ever want to make him feel like he can't spend time with friends.
Tonight we are hanging out, WITHOUT FAIL!

I think I'm going to call the cheerleading coach here cause my friend tried out and she can't tumble but she made it. So I can definatly make it I'm sure. I want to really bad, but try outs are over. I'll see what I can do though.

My friend that works at the chiropracter's office is so lucky. She and her boyfriend have been dating a month and two weeks, and he's already telling her 'she's the one for him' and 'he can see himself with her forever'....awww I'm so jealous. And he's going to say that he loves her. I almost cried It was the sweetest thing...
Good Luck for her, that makes me happy just to hear it

Why the smile if it all looks so pitiful? Well I'll send pics of how my night will end... 

And this is what I was fortunate enough to find for dinner... 

So this is what my night looks like so far... 

Well naturally I regret it a little bit now, but I came home last night. It was good cause I have a test this morning and I didn't want to wake up at 6 instead of 8:30. But I hung out with Alex for awhile and we were both really tired so we just talked and he ate.

I wore my pretty dress and Alex loved it! It was so cute cause I told him earlier that day I was wearing one and he got excited and when I got there he kept talking about how pretty it was, and how especially great I looked today. He makes me laugh...

We kissed a lot last night. And it was different than usual. Well it felt better to me and he was definatly more bold than his usual self...but not too bold. There isn't anything better that I can think of than kissing him. He puts his hands in my hair, and on my neck, it just feels too perfect. It's actually something that I look forward to...

We have this jokingly fued about who likes who more...but I think I like him more. I think about being with him forever! I think about what it would be like if he asked me to travel with him! That's crazyness...I wonder if he thinks about me farther into the future than now. I hate to ask just because it's weird. But yesterday was funny:

S: What are you doing? Besides missing me

A: Yeah, I'm doodling my name with your last name"

S: Okay, Mr. Price, how does that sound?

A: Ok, Mrs. Cook...

S: Ohhhh that sounds pretty

A: I like it!

If only he wasn't kidding around, if he really thought about that it would be perfect! Who knows...my friend Tami is engaged to an Army guy and she says they all want to get married so I should be able to get him. But I was so shocked to hear that considering she doesn't even know him. Like she was talking about it as if every guy was the same...and I don't want to be the girl to assume her boyfriend is going to want her forever. It was just weird for a friend to say that to me as if in her mind she already knew the outcome. Maybe it's true that they want to get married, but who knows WHO they want to get married to.
Anyways...
I'd be quite satisfied however, with Tami's outcome if it differed from reality!

I haven't been able to talk about it, much less WRITE about it. It's one of those subjects that I want to ignore, that I try to pretend isn't even there. But today I thought about it so much, as I do everyday.

She used to wake up with him; long before she had to serve her duty to the day.

Simply to be with him, sipping tea with him, and queitly whispering to him. Her eyes barely open from exhaustion but her smile was so big and her face radiated an emotion I knew not the concept of. It always seemed to me, at the naive age of 10, that she ought to just stay in bed...why lose the extra sleep?

I would hear them, morning after morning, softly conversing and silently moving past eachother with love. The faint music was my favorite part of them...it was all around them. And his voice would sing out to her regardless of her presence;that tone belonged to her.

I was a creative young girl, and once in class I was told to draw happiness. My father and Karen together, was the only image that came flowing from my crayons. From those days forward...that picture in my mind served as a stable ground for me. Through all of the unwanted changes, I could rely on those two figures passing gracefully through life.

Throughout drastic ammendments, they still sat in that sun room year after year, giggling over the same seemingly mindless chatter with eye contact that sealed their hearts. Their smiles remained on eachother's faces, and the demeanor in which they approached eachother meant more to them then I will ever understand.

Who knew almost 10 years later I'd answer the phone to an emotionally ailing sister? This was the girl I'd grown with since I can remember, and never once did I hear sadness in regards to our parental situation. I almost didn't understand...

Seperation? New home? Failure?

What did that mean and how could it coincide with my model for life and love?! Sounded much like change to me, and behind my dramatically flowing tears I looked for some denial to cling to. I wanted nothing more than to say to her,
"Sorry dear, but you're mistaken! This surely cannot be the person you are trying to reach"

And just like that I could shut her out and hang up the phone with the notion that their love was still blossoming as it had for so long.

Still it didn't sink in till the calls kept coming...every night I'd hear those horrific details and the melancholy tone in her voice as she kept on about,

Alone
Different
Never the same...

I think I might have mentioned it, but I found my friend from highschool that goes here. Well this is his 2nd year and we know eachother cause he was my ex-boyfriend's good friend. They all used to go surfing together while me and some girls would lay on the beach.
(Gosh that was so long ago, like 2 years)

But I saw him a week ago and I was walking toward him and I was looking at him and thinking, "why does that face bring back so many good memories?" and then spoke to me in that voice saying, "Is that Sarah Price? (The goofy cheerleader that was so funny in Coach Hess's class????)"

Oh yeah...it was good to see him and we switched numbers but I haven't called him or anything. I saw him today and we walked and talked. He's a good kid, I remember he was on the school paper and he wrote so beautifully I would read his stuff over and over.

Anyways, got a lot to do before tonight. I have to get it all done before I leave...don't know if I'll spend the night agian but I better finish everything anyways.

Very tired, but not tired enough to quite the books or to write. Still have some reading to do and note reviewing before I close my eyes.

Hadn't seen Alex since Wednesday until I saw him yesterday. Had a really nice evening:

Went to blockbuster and walked around for like 30 minutes dissing every movie we each picked out....

We eventually came to a nice consensus (which means I let him pick 3 movies and bit my toungue). He finally witnessed my awful eating habits when I dismantled two cheeseburgers and put them together to basically make nothing but two peices of meat and an inch of bread.

The Ted Bundy movie was definatly interesting....yeah there's no need to elaborate on that one, it was just weird. Then we fell asleep watching "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", a movie which I would love to see how it ends. I was making my own assumptions and it was totally off since he had read the book, but it was still fun to make up pretend romances and fueds between the characters.

Today was fun, just layed around and talked then took a nap watching another STUPID movie.

Damn...all of this looks so boring! I'm almost positive people wonder why I look forward to, and miss the time we share! I'm so happy when we are together and the things we talk about and laugh about seem way too good to be true. Like, this seems almost too easy. I'm anxious to see what it's like two months from now...if it even goes that far. I hope it does and I've no reason to think it wouldn't last but I wonder if it's just the "newness". I hope not though.

We had good talks today and I opened up a teency bit about how it feels to just lay with him. Nothing I've ever experienced compares to it...who knew I could actually cuddle with someone knowing the feelings were equal. With Jason, ugh, I'm gonna be sick....hold on please...

Ok sorry that name makes me vomit, but anyways with Jason, I knew I was playing with fire. When we kissed, I knew he didn't care how it was done, what he was doing with his hands or mind(to a certain extent though) but I was too infatuated to acknowledge that small part of me.

I can't go anywhere without feeling a part of him on me.(Purely innocent) I've never been satisfied with someone's hands all over my body...even the little chub I've got. I don't care at all because if he didn't approve then he wouldn't go there ya know...? There isn't a part of me (unless its tickelish) that I don't want him to see or touch. (He hasn't seen anything but when that time comes, I don't care.)

Considering he has a TWIN bed in the barrecks, it's not exactly an easy night's sleep. Anyone else and I'd probably sleep on the floor...but the idea of him not holding me or not feeling his warmth is absolutly crazy to me.

Ofcourse all of this is good...but it's so new. I've never ever ever gotten that feeling inside when he touches me. Ehh..maybe once or twice but not half as much as with Alex. Everything is so different, so out of the norm that I'm taken back by what happens almost everyday. Think of the sacrifice my SELFISH being does! I'm mean usually...I don't smile, I don't laugh too much unless it's AT someone, and I certainly don't LOSE sleep for anyone. But I can't see Alex until almost 11pm cause of his work schedule, but I go every time I can...and I never have an attitude and I'm never caught without a smile. I drown him with kisses which is CA-RAZY! Sometimes kissing isn't my thing, but everyday we have this thing where we see who gives more affection (I think he wins but I definatly give him more kisses). I have so much fun and so much happiness I don't know what to do with myself after I leave. It's good though to leave and let each of us be alone.

I have a really pretty blue dress that I'm wearing tomorrow and I'm bringing him dinner since he got so much for me yesterday and today. I have a meal plan so I might as well put it to use huh? I am moving into Danielle's room halfway on Thursday night, and then my too cool for school friend clayton is coming to help us on friday. I'm so excited for them to meet...I don't necessarily think too much will come out of it but a friendship but ya never know right...? She's a fun and crazy girl and he's a fun (but definatly not crazy) guy so maybe they can be FUN together...(oh my gosh!)

Well I've let out most of the energy for the night now I need to wind down and read some great literature! Woo Hoo...

Awww...Jayden wants to give me her paw  

Yeauh! Looks like we were really "studying" as we had originally planned... 

I tried to cry my way out of it, I tried to make it seem as though it wasn't. But it definatly is and I'd hate to hold back on something so promising.

We talked today and it was a good conversation ranging from the car thing, jokes, missing eachother, more jokes, and then who was sweeter. Yeah the debate that started all this indescribably elation. Who was in fact sweeter to whom? I knew right away it was him, because I just accept the attention and allow it while sometimes showing it.

But fear holds me back so I know for a fact I could be more sweet if the inhibitions were taken from me. Anyways...he wanted me to say something really nice that he hasn't heard before but I couldn't think of anything that was nice enough yet still catious on my part. He was disapointed and broke out with,

"Well Sarah, I haven't liked anyone like I like you neither have I felt this way in the longest time"

From what I've gathered he's been in one relationship that could be labeled serious and I'm guessing the rest were just kinda, "eh". But I could be so wrong but I know that his serious one was way before he was in the Navy (which was about a year ago and then some months...right?) So he's not been in a relationship. Maybe he's just influenced by his friends, which by the way are either married or engaged. Maybe he just wants something consistent too...? Regardless of that obvious factor, I don't think he'd settle for less in something like a relationship. He's a great guy and I know I'm not the only one who thinks so or who can appreciate it. He can have anyone I think...

Danielle loves him. I was so glad too, they picked on me and we all had a good time. She definatly said that his pictures do not do him justice (they definatly don't) and he's so much more good looking in person.

I'm just so glad we had that talk today and we usually do have great conversations but I just needed to hear something like that so much. I needed somethin like that to cling on to while I fall asleep. We are meeting up in Gainesville on Saturday and I think I'll give up a little bit of myself now. Not too much cause I don't want to get hurt, but I'll start to "unravel" I guess is the appropriate word for it. Nothing sexual at all, just letting him see more of who I am ya know? I'm afraid to open up and trust someone with that but we shall see.

It's been an impecable day...(can I use that word?)

Had to get back into the whole school thing and it really was horrible today. Oh yeah...learned of all the shit I was going to have to emerse myself in these next couple of weeks. I'm so afraid of these classes, my worst fear is dropping out! I think I can handle it as long as I don't get caught up in other stuff.

I was going to go to Metro Park tonight for a concert, but I have so much education and psychology work to do. I want to get it all done by Saturday so that Sunday I'm not stressing out over it. I don't think I'm going to see Alex until Sunday, if he even wants to drive back home with me from Gville. Wait...of course he will.

I can't wait till he gets his car...I'm tired of driving and wondering if he can get a ride to the front gates. And I'll be thrilled when I have my car back (which will be tomorrow) so I can get on base without any trouble. Maybe I should just marry him so I can have a sticker that lets me in and out whenever...and I can buy stuff at the NEX!

It was a joke...get it? Relax, jeez.

Anyways...My back isn't getting much better. Although I've discovered new ways to send pain surges(accidentally of course) and different manuevers so that the pain isn't as intense. I seem like an old woman...and though I joke about it, it's really upsetting me. Like, I don't think many people understand what it feels like to lay down, bend over, and get up in serious amounts of pain. What the fuck ever....

Yeah so that's like, my new bike. Yeah ya know, nothin special or anything...just a little somethn I picked up the other day. Pretty snazzy huh? 

Woops! Somethin in my nose ya know...(Fuck you...yeah YOU) 

Went to the beach last night with Danielle and Alex...

I'm really worried about this whole Alex thing but I guess I shouldn't think about anything but making myself happy for the time I can...right? I just don't want to fall hard on my ass...

Who knows what will happen anyways.

Going home this weekend to an empty house...mom and I were supposed to go to dinner but we don't talk much anymore. Haven't spoken to her decently since I was home. She's going out of town and I have to watch the dog. Sunday morning I'm leaving there real quick though and heading to Gainesville for lunch and visit with the Family...

I'm really upset about a lot of things (mom, school, friends, boyfriend, my life here in jacksonville) I want the best out of everything but fear rules my life and the insceurities seem to bring me down regardless. I need to try and do things differently...think positively and worry less. Easier said than done.

Ew! My air went out last night when I got back home...oh my gosh I was sooo hot while sleeping. It reminds me of the hurricane and how we slept sticky and gross! Ugh...
Hopefully someone will be in today or tomorrow (better be ice cold by sunday when I get back)

I love my family, and I love my friends...but I LOVE MY BABY so much more... 

Awww... 

Uhhh...whose John Deere shirt is that? Mine...? 

First word that comes to mind...ADORABLE 

Alex...nice uniform huh?

This will be brief...

Discovered last night as we were heading to Jacksonville that my dorm didn't actually open till TODAY....so I stayed with Alex and we watched a movie and went to sleep early. I've yet to have a good night's rest still, ever since I met him I feel so drained. And my eating habits are so poor! I haven't eaten a real meal since Monday almost. I just don't seem to have time and when I do it's barely anything that I put in my mouth.
Gainesville was fun, I spent most of it with Alex and Dan which was very, icredibly entertaining.

I am about to go to the Chiropracter...then HW and sleep! I hate to not see Alex tonight but maybe a break is good. Not that I want one or that I get the feeling he does...I just think they are good for two people just starting out. Right...?

Later on in the day:

Did some running around...can't seem to find my watch. Alex told me that he sold it (yeah ok) but I really think I left it on the sink DAMMIT. I love that watch, everyone wants to talk to me when they see it!

So today was very emotional!! Me and my mother really got into it...I'm not going to talk to her for a couple of days. Maybe not until Friday or something when I HAVE to see her. After that thing I was like, totally ruined for the rest of the afternoon. I had to really focus on not crying in the chiropracter's office today...I don't even really understand WHY I was so upset. I think it was a combination of disgust and worry/want. I kept thinking about too many things at once and I was slipping over the edge.

I called Alex while I was getting tortured with these electro patch thingies...? He made me laugh...such a dork. I know it's a huge contradiction on my part, but I can't do anything about the way I feel and what I know is right. I haven't been so sure of myself in my life...

I used to think I knew what I was doing and who it was with, but this is soooooo different. Before there was always something, a little bit of this to hold me back and a little bit of that to make him imperfect. But the first time we hung out we were writing in the sand and the 4rth thing I wrote was

"perfect"

Kinda being silly but kinda knowing that he was a great person, but now it's like for real. We were listening to the radio last night in the car and Hoobastank's "reason" came on and him being the dork he was starting to sing thinking he knew the song. The first line is really 'I'm not a perfect person' lol, he squeezed my hand and looked at me and sang out "I found the perfect person!!!!!"

Oh my...he's just like me. A TOTAL DORK. We dance like idiots, and sing like we know the words(but we dont), trip eachother, forever wrestling and "throwin down"...obviously it's a very non serious thing here. After he asked me out we had a really serious conversation about a lot of stuff...so it's not always a joke which is very good. And amidst all of that he's still sweet.

Where has he been all my life?