Me and my brother Myles at the lakehouse for Thanksgiving 

Let The World Around Me Fall Apart

Last night I dragged Alex to see Bridget Jones at the movie theater...obviously I liked it a lot and he said he did too but only out of courtesy for me.

I can completely relate to that Bridget Jones girl...nothing is ever right for me either. I remember I went to Prom with one of the many guys I've "fallen for" and his best friend and his date were swing dancing REALLY good. So my date was really competitve and he grabbed me apparently thinking I was GOOD at swing dancing or something, and I made an idiot of myself in front of his friends. (It's a damn good thing I didn't go to that school)

I also was completely unaware that Texas and Mexico touched eachother...like who would have thought?! It took Alex pulling up a map for me to realize but to this day I honestly cannot picture it in my head by myself unless I can see it.
(Bridget didn't know where Germany was)

I think the most amusing part would be the idea of a self conscious woman covering her naked body. If that's not me I don't know what else is. I walk around with my hands cupped over my boobs so he can't sneak a peak, and would if I could wear a skirt every time I had sex to cover all that up. I just find my body to be so...hideous. There isn't anything sexy about it, and I don't even think Alex thinks I'm sexy or attractive enough to daydream about. (atleast he never said so)

I used to feel beautiful because that was all I heard and no matter where or what time of the day- I was beautiful and sexy. I wish I still felt that way but Alex isn't so verbal, but maybe he is and he just doesn't want to lie to me.

It just seems like something out of that movie and all, wanting to be everything for somebody but there's no pretending to be someone else effectively.

But even though she's so clumsy and ungraceful (to say the least) she's so lovable. Despite making a fool of herself and looking less than her best- she finds a great guy to fall in love with her. (No it doesn't count when you don't love anyone back so scratch off those guys from the past your thinking of that loved you...) Gives me some hope that maybe, just maybe some great guy is going to come along and love me for the ridiculous person I am.

It's not like it hasn't happened before, but I never loved any of them. People used to tell me that my personality was so weird and silly that it was what drew them to me. I was the one person who spoke out loud and people were like, "what the fuck are you talking about" while laughing hysterically. I like to hear that my lack of street smarts is cute and the fact that I'm honestly intelligent is what makes me even more attractive.

My step-brother used to tell me I was weird...(still does but I think it's a term of endearment) but my bubbly personality and the need to be laughing with him was the factor that made our relationship so fun when we were together.

Never a dull moment and who would want it to be anyways? (not bridget jones)

Last Night I Dreamt You Loved me

"I do love you sarah and I am passionate about you" -him

Nothin but teeth for me


Dreams are disapointing like that sometimes...waking up with a smile is one thing, but to find the world as it was is devastating

I Can't Think Of Anyone At The Moment...

But give me some time and I may come up with a few people that don't want to have good communication in their relationship. Whereas I'm almost positive there are those in the world that could care less about talking of their feelings, I think it's safe to say that a good majority prefer to know where they stand.

For all I know I could be standing here in Jacksonville while he's out in Japan. And I think for the most part that's the truth. I'm sure he's relatively okay with being a boyfriend but I just don't see him thinking of me past (at max) after this year and however many months it takes for him to leave.

And I will be damned (mark my words) if I let the year 2005 come around without me knowing for sure. If I could go as far back as it took for me to not know him, and be fine without this ridiculous feeling in my heart...I just might. But then all it takes is one look at that statement compared to so much greatness and I'm already second guessing myself. I think if I could go back to the first day I would throw out some warning signs and just say what's in my heart and then if he still took me and we made it to today, he couldn't say I didn't tell him so. I might say things like,

"Well I'm interested in a serious relationship..."
TRANSLATION:
If you only want sex and no attatchments...tell me now and we can arrange something

"I'm thinking more into the future than just dating..."
TRANSLATION:
Don't bother making me fall in love with you, if you only want a short-term fling

and I saved the best for last-
"I'm really into TALKING..."
TRANSLATION:
If your not, then I guess we can skip right to it and I can go home as soon as we're finished

I just want to love someone who loves me back...is that so much to ask? I've never in my life experienced such a thing and I'll be 19 in February without the greatest pleasure of all.

Late Bloomer (I guess)...

I was HALF WAY through my 10th grade before I got my FIRST french kiss

Summer going into my Junior year before anyone ever saw my goodies

And the end of my Junior year before I was deflowered

Seems crazy in a school where all my friends had been having sex since middle school and already experienced many a times, the Big O (which I would yet to get till my senior year)

Well it wasn't until I was a freshmen in college that I fell in love

But I've yet to fill in the blank of someone I love, loving me back

Seems silly that I want it so soon (3 months into it) but I'm used to hearing the L word about a month after seeing someone (exclusively or not) and then I've heard the desires for marriage from a few, and felt the prospective rings on my finger not long after that. But who was I kidding? As I tried on those different rings I knew that it was fun to think about, and it was a great feeling in the moment- but behind all of that I knew I wouldn't end up with any of them.

Interesting how when I was deceitful, they all wanted to love me...now when I'm honest the one person I want to, doesn't tell me he loves me. (that's ok I'll keep waiting...)

"All Good Things Must Come To An End"

Talked to Jeff to get some insight on his opinion of his parents situation. (His mother wanting to leave her husband of 43 years) According to him he was suprised that it hasn't happened yet and he's been, "waiting for it now for 20 years".

And I put in my modern two sense where perhaps it didn't belong and said that if it were my dilemma I'd be gone and living for myself to make both of us happier. Well, turns out I didn't take into consideration the era and religion in those days but also Jeff's strong opinion on marriage. Apparently my kind of attitude is what is wrong with society today. People think they can get married and it's, "till 'I get sick of you' do us part". Which is completely true for many cases. In my Grandparents eyes they are still married in the time where divorce is considered not good and their Catholic faith doesn't even believe in it. She doesn't even refer to it as divorce, when we talk about it it's always, "Leaving Him"

Jeff says that when two people committ to eachother through marriage, they should be prepared to be committed forever and willing to make the sacrifices needed to nurture a relationship. If something bad happens, you work together to fix it as one person instead of two.

But what about the exceptions...?

And how long can two people suffer in vain before finally just doing what they are agianst? I believe that if a marriage starts to fail there are ways to bring it back, it's only a matter of desire and effort.

How can those two elements come from only one person and still have a healthy relationship?

Thankful For You

Seems as though I was lucky enough to have two Thanksgiving Dinners this year. I ate with Alex at his mom's and then today at the Lakehouse (pics posted soon) with my family. I wish Alex could have come out to the Lakehouse with me because I was very drained from the kids biting my ankles all day. Don't get me wrong I totally love them all but I like to spend time with someone my age and there was nobody.

Not only that but I thought about him a lot between all the chaos and in such a way that I don't EVER want to agian. Sometimes us girls, we can scare ourselves with the length our daydreams go to. I was having "imaginary conversations" (very nice) that naturally- did not and probably will not exist. But sometimes girls just KNOW from the first few days about a person, and for the first time in my life, I JUST KNOW. So of course I entertain myself by pretending to tell the truth about my heart and, OH MY GOSH, it's embraced and agreed with!


It's been a nice break but it isn't as though I can truly relax with all of the probing deadlines I have waiting back in Jacksonville. Gainesville is only a temporary haven when I can't stay as long as I please. However, many would be pleased to know that I shot down good times tonight to do my work. I have exams, presentations, and papers to prepare for- I can't be going off endangering my relationship with Alex anyways. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to hang out with him and his family...I wouldn't appreciate it in the slightest so why would Alex? No worries in regards to being unfaithful but I don't even want suspicion to stand a chance this time around. And where do you think that strength has come from? The recreating images from days before and the knowledge my heart gains from the sound of his voice keeps me from temptation.

And think about it, anyone who is in a relationship can say that they like their partner but how sure can you be of their credibility if they don't KNOW. How can you stand yourself to go out to a club and upon seeing many other guys/girls you realize that, you really don't know about your boyfriend/girlfriend. Believe me...it may take time but you will KNOW and that's how I would like to define my relationship in the future with the one I plan to marry. I have to KNOW right from the beginning...like i know now.

I feel really good about who I am in saying that and knowing that I can take such consideration for someone elses's feelings to avoid such confrontation with the past. I thought that maybe after all of the dating numerous people and hiding it from all of them I might find myself weak when in a monogomous relationship (atleast i hope it's monogomy on Alex's part). But I'm honestly finding myself to be the exact opposite and who would have thought!?

I talked to my cousin today and we haven't spoken much since the summer and I hear, "Hows your love life? Are you still breaking more than one heart in a day" I laughed and remembered how real that statement used to be and I proudly answered no, that I was with one person. Naturally that didn't go over seriously until the laughing and rehashing old comments from my mouth were thrown at me. But really it was true and she was happy for me too.
"It's about time I found someone worth waiting on right?"

On a different note I am absolutely AMAZED at the month of April posts. Not only was I a bitch in regards to guys and using them for my benefit...but I was incredibly stupid. Behind all of them, I was blindly thinking that the one person I really liked was faithful, caring, and what's even more ridiculous- THERE FOR ME. I'm laughing now because it usually isn't until a situation is completly over that one can efficiently analyze the facts. Those posts were biased and I was looking to believe in any sign in my favor. (It's not quality writing but it's entertaining to me to read and remember.) That's where I found the post below this one and I was so rude to be thinking that way when the person I was talking to only wanted my time and love. And all I could think of was how boring and mundane he really was.

(my deepest apologies)

You Remind Me Of Someone...Or Something?
(taken and edited from an April 2004 post)

Ever thought of people in terms of objects? Possibly flirting with the idea about how SIMILIAR they truly are?

We sat surrounded in candlelight at the dining room table in conversation. He spoke to me triumphantly with all his hopes and dreams permeating the room so much that even the dog could sense his attitude. Though the sound never touched my ears and his lips moved steadily to a beat that I couldn't get into; wasn't really my style.

Amazingly all my attention was drawn to a single white candle among numerous red ones. It stood aloof with indifference to its seemingly obvious minority. Being a person who doesn't look twice at the smaller things in life, I found the significance of the candle to be an unknown, annoying mystery.
What the hell was it about a candle that I cared so much for? Perplexing questions glazed my unblinking eyes fixated on the vanilla scented candle.

Why was I not drawn to him?
And why couldn't I smell any cinnamon?

My worries consisted only of that white candle lost in a crimson sea.

He compared easily with those red candles alligned in conformity. They all needed some decoration to hide behind-Some kind of outrageous price or a pretty saucer to lie upon...all in order to augment their featureless existence.

Almost always does one find themselves dissatisfied with the pretty candle that doesn't soak the room with it's scent; wishing they had chosen the underdog and thought twice before making such a frivolous purchase.

Divorce...?

Can you imagine if Divorce was still condemed (sp)? The option would be there ofcourse but couples would most definatly reconsider what marriage is all about and clearly define for eachother what it is to be married. I'm sure many young guys would rethink their decision after hearing how the girl doesn't want their relationship to, "slip away" and the only way to avoid that is to abide by the following:

Don't forget to say I love you
Always kiss me when we make love
Don't stop opening doors
Remember that I love flowers
Must have morning sex...(MUST)
Even if I'm not, tell me I'm BEAUTIFUL (absolutely NONE of that 'pretty' or 'cute' stuff cause that is for commonplace women and I'm definately a CATCH)

and in return she would do the following:

Never burn dinner
Not forget to pick up the kids
Oral sex once every 2 months

Your rolling your eyes now but I have a handful of girls in my head that would laugh and agree with that list from hell. The point is in discovering critical signs of weakness that endanger a relationship. The more communication the better and with that comes a firm sense of who you are marrying.

Talking to my grandmother I was shocked to find that her marriage of 40 (ball park guess) years draws lonely tears from her eyes. Trouble coming from their marriage consists of his dissatisfaction for life; daily struggles and pains that cannot be looked over and lacking the IDEA (the mere idea!!) to grasp onto what is left and find some joy with that. How can a woman make that decision to leave after so long? I'm sure the small fact that it crosses her mind daily is the most heartbreaking evidence of her disreputable reality. THIS IS IT. This is how it is no matter if Tuesday and Wednesday were two consecutive days where life between them was harmonious...what about Wednesday? Who wants to waste the rest of their life wondering what days he will be "good" which determines their personal happiness OVERALL.

I couldn't help but still think about it even after we switched the awful subject. The whole concept of marriage for life is amazing to me and I spoke with my mother's mom on her marriage with someone in the Navy. They have been married over 50 years and their relationship is astounding.

"There is a turning point between a man and a woman where life isn't based on sexual intimacy and the bonds created through new love and lust, " she explained to me, "the companionship and loyalty to eachother is important and the concepts spoken to eachother through vows on the wedding day become clear..." She pauses almost looking back through the roladex of memories and speaks agian quickly as though she had found what she was looking for, "Life is centered around friendship, support, and the remembrance of an active relationship through time"

I Can't Say "I Love You" I Don't Know What That Means (I'm a Pimp)

Or should I say WAS a pimp! I just ran through and fixed up my old posts and I had an excellent month over the summer (5 guys... sexual relations statistics will not be revealed to protect the reputation of the innocent) and then the end of my senior year! OH MY GOSH. Check out the posts from the month of April...I was on fire. (7 guys...relation statistics will not be revealed)

How fun does that sound right about....hold on...wait for it...NOW!

Hold on a second, relax...! Whereas my happiness with Alex most likely exceeds that of those days...I wasn't getting hurt. ( That right there is my whole point and the one thing I try to avoid. Perhaps in taking my preperations to do so I ought to NOT seriously involve myself with someone. ) But getting hurt is the risk I'm taking so shoot me for being a hypocrit.

Days were incredibly interesting back then too...never a dull moment and always kept on my toes. If one guy fell through I had two more as back ups. That was the good life.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SOUND SLUTTY?

Look I was just trying to forget "He Who Must Not Be Named" and bounce back in a such a way as to say, "HAH! See I can have a life without you". Slut is such a harsh word, I like to think of my actions as intensely promiscious (yeah same thing) but take into consideration I wasn't sleeping with them all. I like to think of it as giving them a chance at being my boyfriend! All but two were working on it and trying to prove to me what a great guy they were...but my light was off and there was no free ride.

I was just toying with the idea of ME being the heartbreaker...but obviously that's not me and here I am devoting my hopeless existence to ONE person.
(Monogamy....psshhh what a concept huh?)

Us Girls...Always Wondering...

WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING? It's natural to have that suspicious blood running through our veins but sometimes it's more than that. It's a rush that starts first in the heart and proceeds to send warm sensations throught the body. WHY IS HIS PHONE TURNED OFF?

Then it's dread as every terrifying scenario runs slowly across the back of your eyelids. Reconciliation with an old flame, just having a little fun like the rest of the guys STRAIGHT TO THE VOICEMAIL. Why can't he atleast let it ring? Might make us feel a little bit better in regards to current state of affairs. AFFAIRS? (goodness why would I say such a thing)

Then it's the temporary comfort of how he'd never do such a thing and there's a logical explanation. Back to dread when you think to yourself,

"WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL AT ALL?"

RED FLAG

That's when you re-evaluate your relationship and come to a startling conclusion without him that you KNOW will be thrown out the window the next day as he

Whispers casually in your ear and promises that

Never agian will he leave you hanging on the edge of sanity

Is Beauty Honestly Only Skin Deep...?

Or is it possible that the statement was invented to protect the egos of the unfortunately, irreversibly ugly. If there is one thing that I'm learning in all this college stuff is the ability to DOUBT. What is it about women and the word beautiful? Who brainwashed the entire female population into thinking that in order to actually be the word we first have to hear it from the deceiving lips of a man? (I beg your pardon if I'm putting those in a majority that don't belong) Look over here from this angle, I can think I'm pretty all I want to! I can be conceited and under the impression that I'm as perfect as I will ever be. But what good do those do without some sort of reinforcement of the same idea from someone else?
It's similar to thinking down on yourself until too many people truthfully describe your otherwise. But I don't seem to be having either of those problems since I rarely get cut down or put up. (As much as I want to cheat my way out of this one...mommy and daddy don't count)

So what am I just a neutral type girl now? I'm not revolting enough to point out, but my looks don't involve head turns so I needn't any self-gratifying words?

It's all in who you date. Last year I was better than Britney, the year before that I was "working on" an abercrombie model look, now I'm just another face in the crowd. It's not just the compliments of how great I look or how blue my eyes are, it's the domino effect behind the compliment. Someone had to first notice, appreciate, think, word it in their head so not to look like a fool, then finally take the courage in their heart to say it aloud. So much more goes into such phrases that perhaps may be taken for granted.

(Call me crazy now but you'll be thinking about it the next time someone calls you beautiful for the first time)

Eyes Wide Open Always Hopin' For A Song...

I decided that I so loved this idea I ought to really make it shine:

She used to wake up with him long before she had to serve her duty to the day
Simply to be with him, sipping hot tea, and gently whispering with him.
Eyes barely open from exhaustion looking of asian decent, but a contradicting glow within the cheecks to indicate otherwise; an emotion radiating from her face that I knew not the concept of.

I was drawn to it, whatever it was. I would awaken before the sun thought to and patiently wait. The dim light would slip below my bedroom door and I'd listen with closed eyes to see them softly conversing and moving past eachother in love.

The faint music engulfed my ears and I pictured them dancing slowly; almost embracing in circles to the lethargic rhythm. His voice would touch her ears and he'd sing to her before the birds ever had a chance; that tone belonged to her.

Pre-Elementary school assignments consist of little difficulty and mere drawings of happiness and the personal ideas of perfection:
the two of them at five am, dancing gracefully through life came flowing from my crayons

Will I Ever Make It Home?

I'm so tired and lonely here in Jacksonville. Not so much lonely as I am tired. I'm more than ready for this semester from hell to be over.

However...I did seal the deal with my mind this weekend. Before, I think I was afraid to say it with any truth entailed but now I know there is.
I guess it's not that hard to fall in love, but reciprocated love is another story. Sure we can all fall in love, but is it safe? Is it that secure love we all know and write of? ( Yeah that's what I thought)

The weekend was enjoyable, made it easy for me to realize that this isn't just another dating phase for me. As for Alex...I'm sure it's less important on his end but whose to know but himself...?

Getting published in a book that doesn't offer royalties...good or bad? Well I can have a hard cover book in my hand with a page of my words and signature at the bottom. It's a book with many poets and you buy the book for 30 dollars and it's quite possible that publishers and other important people can find it and say, "hey! that sarah price girl looks like shes got talent, lets contact her for more of her great work" Not only that, but its a HARD COVER BOOK WITH MY POEM IN IT. It's a book...HELLO. It's only my dream...

Alex, Dan, Justin 

At Gator Growl... 

Alex and I...Gator/Cocks game (in the sky box!!) GATORS WON 

"That's A Part Of Growing Up..."

Is that right? Well if that's true then I guess what it comes down to is my desire to stay young. Young enough to live at home with mom while never crossing the boundary of "acceptable" over to "still living at home with mom". But I've done it now, I'm out and about the East Coast and going back seems out of the question not to mention a suicide attempt on my reputation. Those who said I'd be back would have a field day with my failure and I'd just look like an ignorant circus animal while trying to come up with some extravagant answers to the probing questions and insults.

I think going back would feel like entering back into a deep conversation that started 18 years ago, and I've missed an important 8 months. Seems trivial but subjects change on the hour and how I to know what was last and now first? How can I be sure I'm even the relevant topic I once was?



Everyone left except stupid me! There's no classes on Thursday and most people generally don't take Friday classes so I'm almost all alone. I wish I could go to Gainesville early and just freaking relax...I wish I could skip class on Friday but that's impossible. I have too much to turn in and a presentation on some college tuition policy bull shit that won't even pass.

But, after that class I'm going to Daytona Beach for a doctor's apt.( yeah what the fuck...I know) and then to Gainesville. It's a good possibility that I already mentioned I'm going to Gator Growl ("only the biggest pep rally in the United States...or the state") and then we have box tickets to the gator game.

Still pondering confessions to YOURS TRULY. I talk to the only person that knows me but my troubles with a boyfriend get lost in between his pleasures with his girlfriend...so I don't know how reliable that source is as of now. I think I need new friends

Where Did You Learn To Smile Like That?

You gotta wonder where the joy comes from at such a young age. And it's amazing to see that the little things in life are so meaningful even at the age of 3! Who would have thought that it would be possible to enjoy company or the loving touch of my mother...interesting how the mind works and how my emotional attatchments started from day 1.

Oh but they didn't stop there. Nor did I learn to let go or try to relinquish the broken bonds, instead I add more to it and cope in such a way that really isn't coping at all. Atleast I wouldn't call it dealing with a situation by writing, thinking, and reliving the past.

I'm still trying to be the other half of somebody else praying that THIS time I don't have to write a desperate love letter at the end of the relationship in a weak attempt to expose my heartbreak and sucker some poor soul into coming back to me...out of guilt too. Cause I know that trick all too well and if you want to know the truth it's an easy second chance in many cases. Hey don't quote me on that but it's worked too many times for me. As the scenario goes, he wants to move on, and usually I'm not down with that and so "Accidentally" I expose a "new" side of me that "proves" my "devotion and committment" in such a way that he feels TERRIBLE! Soon enough he's turning around, reopening the car door, or calling back to say that he's on his way over and wants to talk. Works like a charm...

Nobody should get ahead of themselves though with self confidence because every solution can easily be fucked up by the slightest mistake...that mistake being the wrong person and the wrong time. Cause I won't that the tactic above was useless for the one I wanted it to work on most. I locked him in the room, jumped on top of him, shoved his face in mine to make him see...but nothing was there.

So you see, that it's not always garunteed a second chance...

But my best advice isn't to attatch yourself to someone! When you look into his eyes, pretend your looking for an eyelash;when you hold hands, say that he's assisting in keeping assholes from hitting on you; and when you make sweet love, pretend it's a one night fuck.

Be wary and take heed now...if you don't you'll find yourself in the car tomorrow afternoon thinking softly, "I wonder what I would do if we seperated today?" And then that's it, the tears would spill rapidly over your eyelids and soon it's apparent that you can't live without that person. All it took was some fear inspiring thought to push you over the edge and now you know that your world revolves around him, and it's quite bothersome to look into the eyes of someone that might be able to live without you

She Wishes She Were 10 Agian

Because only then is it not normal to leave dread and doubt behind...who even knows if the words were a part of my vocabulary. Dread isn't just fear. It's fear of the UNKNOWN. It's a certain feeling of what's going to happen but the outcome is far from our understanding. I dread what my doubted abilities will offer me when it's time to stand before those who hold my future carelessly in their hands.

Maybe it's because I'm 18, And he's 16 locked inside a 20 year old's beautiful body. Not immature but I definatly wouldn't call traveling the current state of events a means of settling down. But it's probably my age that says I don't need to talk when it's over. I'm too young to want to ponder what life brings us and that leaves us in an eerie silence until we both fall asleep. Me desperatly waiting for your arm to brush mine and realize that that is where it is supposed to be.
But it was a cold day out today, the morning was brutal with wind and a dull hue of gray clouds. Who can have such high hopes in weather like that? Undoubtedly I thought of tomorrow in a sense of a year and didn't see anyone standing next to me. I dread the day when reality will wrap it's deadly grip around me. Until I fear for my life and only then will I agree to understand that this, this right here, that over there I just kissed goodnight...is only a myth.

believe it or not but this is my waterfront property in jacksonville (i popped my head out the window of my dorm room and this is what i saw) 

The girls... 

My best friend and beautiful me 

THE SHOCKER!!! 

I'll Remember You...Will You Remember Me Too?

I had another breakdown...I think that's what it was. I'm having some trouble with comparing and letting my wishes get the better of me. And then I get discouraged and so I make myself think these crazy ideas until finally I call Tiffany tearing with gasps and she convinces me I'm thinking too much. Fair enough, but still I'm depressed to find myself thinking that this isn't much on the other end when we have sex. But there it is, all I have to do is say that it's just sex and I already feel like it's meaningless.



I feel like there's too much at stake for me, deeming these fast paced emotions and high hopes I'm almost certain where this perpetual pattern leads to. But Tiffany says this one is different and I can't be the way I used to. And believe me or not, I've done many changes.


Almost over with this semester and I'll be glad to have a nice long break. I have to go home on December 10th and come back on January 5th...look how much time that is away from Alex. But oh my goodness the break...

You Tried To Laugh But Cried Instead- Paitiently Waited To Hear The Words I Never Said:

I had to give myself one good look over anyways, so your lucky I was standing in front of that beautiful antique mirror- my restaruant didn't open for another 20 minutes anyways.

I look magnificent today...

"Yeah but how many times can you compliment yourself before growing jaded and finally realizing the cold hearted slut you are?"

That voice shook my daydreams and I recalled the cell phone reluctantly attatched to my ear. I thought of some reasons to stop you mid sentence but agian I saw the mirror.
Noticed how perfectly my black tendrils curled ; tucked behind around my ears, flowing down my shoulders. The contrast between that ebony and powder blue of my button down was astonishing and undoubtedly head turning. If I tilt my head just far enough to the right, and pull my hair over this way- I don't see the phone anymore. And I can pretend to disregard that, "I'm breaking your heart without giult filled in mine"

I do feel sorry but I can't get past the sparkle in my eyes to tell you so. I'm confident just one glance is all it takes (and it did) till its not just those eyes that will be locked onto mine.

"Just try to recreate the images and cherishable memories we made from the past!"

I don't see anything so I keep staring in conceit at my volumptious hips and the womanly cleavage spilling out of my top as I undo just one button. I'm blinded by the opportunity I'm about to encounter...but the phone which leads to the existence trailing behind the saddening idea that you can't go as quickly as I wish soon, reminds me that it won't be long before I'm back in the arms I ran away from.

"Don't you see I just want to love you?"
_____________________

We went to lunch yesterday and then to a movie- we saw "Saw" <---- CRAZY! I'm a scary movie critic and I almost always think it's stupid, but this was a really good movie. We went back to Base after that and I hung out for a little bit before going to the dorm. We were laying down and I swear to you I had to cover my mouth for fear of it just spilling out! I was mid sentence having to stop myself because that's not something you have much control over. Can you imagine how retarded I would sound if I was like, "Yeah tomorrow I have to do a lot of studying for my I LOVE YOU test, and then I'm going to go vote and start on YOU AND ME TOGETHER FOREVER...." Gosh, how nuts do you think that would sound. But honestly it was on the tip of my toungue and all I had to do was open my mouth. I wouldn't say the whole together forever thing, that was just for exaggeration purposes, but I wanted to say that I loved him. How big of a wimp am I? I throw out signs that I'm not in love though, so maybe he's taken back. Like the other day we were talking about how psycho girls get when they are in love and guys don't want them back,and when someone leaves another person how crazy sad they are. So I said, "Yeah I'm kinda glad that I've never fallen in love cause I don't want to deal with that, and I kinda don't want to fall in love just for those reasons" But any rational being can testify that it's not a pick and choose conveinant type thing.