Here's the 411:

*Roommate is cool; bonded at the hooka bar with 20 other kids smoking cocunut-strawberry flavored tobacco

*Tommy is amazing and may prove to be a significant part of the college experience

*Fucking animals live above us and jump around all day while we throw things at the ceiling yelling "shut the hell up" as if they might actually stop.

*Have to keep the dorm room about 20 degrees below zero because of a huge condensation issue that makes us appear like bed wetters

*Definatly having trouble with hangers(lack there of), decorations(we have african pictures, fake flowers, metallic american flags, and motorcyles all over our walls), and good food(not enough).

*Had an issue with the roommate's best friend having sex with a random guy in our room...needless to say my comment was disgusting.

So that's UNF in a nutshell as of now. Don't know how exactly I'm going to do here but I think I've got some people that will make it all seem worth while. I'm scared as well as excited to see what will transpire these next few weeks.

He would lie so low in the grass
That the sunshine
Would miss him and move on to the next
And he was just some song I wrote-
A poem to pass the time
A sculpture made out of clay
That I threw to the floor
And someone else swept away-
Just an excuse to slam the door
And he would lie so low in the grass
That when it rained
He would seep into the mud
And stay there until the sun
Could not touch him,
Could not reach him
And the rain would cool him off
And he was just a tragedy,
Another thing to talk about
In the hallway
Of that apartment we both hung out in
And when it was all said and done
He was but a strategy
Used to pass the time
As the sunshine dried up all the mud
And the rain filled the outline
Of the body
That used to lie there waiting

-excellent poem

"Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to


It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time"-Michelle Branch
 

Sarah, Lex, and Katie... 

All my life I've tried to please her, and it was hard standing up there in front of my family, spilling my guts to those who know the "Surface Sarah". That's the thing about family, you only know a certain side to them, and the rest is between you and your immediate relatives. Luckily I had Katie to hold me up and comfort me as I read through my speech to my mother: "Perhaps spite is my intial downfall, which in turn, leads you in the opposite direction of where my heart truly lies. At the end of every day I cast my head down in remorse knowing your incorrect thought process and how easily I could change it. But I hesitate and Im sorry for continually keeping the best of me so selfishly inside. And though it appears I overlook what you do, I acknowledge and thank you for struggeling on my behalf 'to give me what you didn't have'. Thankyou for putting me on the track field every friday night to clap and cheer for defense...when we were on offense. I won't forget how I could rely on that chilled bottle of propel stashed in my swim bag after being disqualified several occasions for a careless mistake. Every race I can remember watching the tile pass under me at the bottom of the pool thinking, 'Is this good enough?' 'Even though I own 3rd place will you look upon me with pride?' How about when they announced my name at football games, did it make you want to slap the couple next to you and tell them I'm yours? You never realized it, but I took your existence into consideration during all my study efforts, school functions, and the manner in which I present myself to the world. Through your compliments and support, I'd not have the ambitious goals I have now, and for this I am the most grateful. You've molded me into a zealous writer and convinced me I could places farther than just the end of every peice of paper. Though we purposely avoid the subject, education is going to take me far from you, physically and mentally. Soon enough you'll live your life for you and not take my into thought when going antiquing. But you can always expect me to come home to you and all the memories since Day 1 will be with you in the mean time." 

I knew in my heart the whole time that those calls were consistent JUST BECAUSE. Sometimes there isn't a reason for everything;those calls were as meaningful as promises of a Prada bag (which I have yet to see or hear of...). I'd say to myself,

"Sarah Jane! He aint callin you just because there's nothin' to do up in the beautiful city of New York..."

And I'd casually run through evidence to back it up
(Millions of clubs, girls, and things to do...)

"He's calling you every night because he CARES and doesn't want to lose the friendship the two of you share!"

I don't care what I said to myself then or anything that has happened between us the past few months. Yeah, so what he called when he got into town yesterday, and I spoke to his too-tired-to-come-out ass today...what does that mean? Did I honestly BELIEVE that it meant something?

"Sarah Jane! He's just callin you because he can! He's not acting out on logic, reason, or care...he's just making a simple phone call"

I only know because I do the same and leave the others in the miserable situation I'm lying in now...
KARMA's a bitch

I found this at the bottom of just one of my many piles of old poems. After so long the ones I framed and read so proudly start to turn meaningless and without substance. Perhaps I just grow up or maybe grow out of that situation and look at it with a new found perception. Anyways I find the following so incredibly ridiculous that I had to share it's stupidity with everyone else...
(I promise I can write better than this!)

It's like a perpetual motion;doubts of you flooding my mind while I swim in what I can't decipher as opportunity or waste...? Should I embrace this chance to assert my far fetched hopes;my possibly brash aspirations for a substantial future? Even if I found the words, could I speak aloud the dreams I made not intended for temporary amusement, but rather inspirational goals to seek until found...? Blind eyes can see its a risk-
What happens when your promises and claim become the dirt I trudge upon, and the dust that ruthlessly blows into my tearing eyes...? This familiar dilemma is my re-occuring dream; the deja vu I sit perplexed and confused in.

Once was scolded; castigated for not opening up and revealing the above. EndlesslyI was reprimanded for fearing that what I dread may perhaps become reality, in the instant they are exposed to a manipulating conscious that I have no inclination of. Believing in that beautiful face I'd frame in an intangible heart, I gave myself away.
Said goodbye to my secrets, wishes, and dreams then let them descend so casually while keeping no boundary for myself. Soon I was deploringly watching them fall carelessly to the asphalt with no regard like insignificant

Rain Drops

Drops that formed dirty, small puddles in his world. Merely common puddles among many just as monotonous and mundane, that he payed no mind at all to
And walked all over without flinching.

He never missed a night to call me while he was away. I could count on his specified ring to soothe my ears every night after 7:00pm and hear the voice I needed for a sense of completeness. I knew the day he was coming back; Wednesday afternoon to be precise but when Friday afternoon rolled around I assumed he wasn't gonna call even though he was 10 minutes away. I was expected to be let down like I had a few times in the past, and I had been prepping myself up for it since Wednesday morning. I started by reminding myself of the 3 day trip to hell; compliments of him, and the one promise made that was broken on more than one occasion. It made me feel better to remember the careless asshole he was to me several times. But I couldn't deny the way things changed when we split, I couldn't erase the nights on end of talking, kissing, and romanticing, even when everyone thought us to be done. His roomates would go to sleep with a sense of knowledge and awake with confusion to find me sitting at the counter watching Jay make breakfast. I relished in the fact that Jess would try and bust his ass and tell me the days he stayed out all night or that he was talking to a girl on the phone for this amount of time; I only smiled every time cause I'd think back and realize that I was his alibi. Not one day that she reported was there a mystery as to where he was or who he was talking to, it made me feel good to have his devotion far more than I did when we were together. So naturally I just laughed at my doubt when I saw his missed call on my phone and closed the door on my anxiety when I heard his enthusiastic voicemail. I don't know how things will be when I see him agian...? Taking my feelings into consideration when contemplating what to say and how to act, helps literally none at all. C'mon Sarah Jane! This is Jay, why are you lost in confusion every time you hear his voice, see his face, and speak his name? Why be so emotional...

*"I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain..." 

God I can remember when we used to be so close. There wasn't anyone I put before Tiffany and the same went for her. Funny how the way things work out, but each of us have grown into two seperate people leading two very different lives. It's sad sometimes to think back into the more devoted days- but we still make time. Not even 10 minutes ago I just dropped her off after getting our party broken up by the cops. I'm glad we could share that experience together considering we haven't spent good quality "trouble" time together. It's been awhile since we got busted together and endured almost an hour of lecture from my mother. I miss her but at the same time feel that I've developed more since we've been apart. I'll always have the cheerleading, rollerblading, and popularity days that I can bring back any day that I want. Good Times...