My My...

I'm seeing a pattern. And Danielle and I were up late talking philosophically (imagine that) about this whole school thing and the idea of flying the coop.

I thought so much about how if I was at USF, I'd have so much fun. My friends would be there and I wouldn't worry about putting myself so far out there. Tiffany is alone too, she doesn't care for her roommates and she hasn't found any good friends to hang out with. But she doesn't exactly have to because everyone she needs is right at her fingertips.

She's such a help and she always brings me back down like she did last night. I miss that and I think if I went to USF I'd be better off in a number of ways.

My little abercrombie model was really helpful too last night....I don't think he's ever in his life heard me cry or sound upset. First of all, he's just a down right jerk in a funny way, so it was interesting for me to hear him try and be sincere. It wasn't all that great but he made me laugh from old discrepencies and just rubbed it in my face humorously.

Going to the sorority meeting tonight and then we are going to dinner (oh no, don't have any money!!!). I probably won't go to dinner and hit the gym instead.

I'm psyched about my test I have in like an hour...I'm so ready and so prepared. This college thing can be a breeze once you weed out which classes you hav to put more effort into. Two of my classes will still consistute a lot of work, however I won't have to be an intellectual sponge while in class. I don't want to get too confident but I think I can manage it all. And next semester I'll have the advantage b/c I'm used to taking 5 classes, which I may decide to do agian.

This is bullshit, nothing interesting (all the good stuff brings me down)

Not sleeping well but I'm almost positive it's a definate product of a certain inconsistancy...

I'm at a loss for words in regards to it and when I attempt to talk about it, I'm either shut down or all I feel is, "I don't know"

Most of the girls I talk to are in Sororities....not me. I almost feel left out. There are huge tents out for all the fraternities to sign up and theres just music and people playing football so ofcourse all the girls that are now in the sororities are wearing their shirts to make themselves known. Danielle and I were hanging out and talking to people in the courtyard and on the green, but I didn't have a shirt. I was like the only one without a shirt that proudly announces to the school which sororitie I belong to. Dammit...
it's stupid I know, but why do you think I joined the swim team? Or was a cheerleader? It's exclusive, not everyone can do it, and the recognition is insatiable. So I've found a better alternative to the typical stereo type...

I'm joining a christian sorority. Well....so they say they are christian. I hope it's not some weak attempt to look as though they have morals and goodness ranging farther than sharing a prospective guy or helping a drunk person off the floor. I'd like to have some long lasting benefits in this type of thing.

I finally got in touch with my friends from summer. Hung out for a little bit in their room tonight and decided agianst the Divas thing only because of the load of work I've got. They were going to go after they got done but it wasn't very likely. I wanted to go, just to do something fun. I don't want to sit in this BOX but regardless of that I am alone with my perplexing philosophy. Went to see my professor today (he's crazy) and tried to have some light shown on all this vague bull shit...though judging from the terms in which I speak, it definatly didn't help as I would have liked it to.

I'm trying so hard to make this the best that it can be. I've become a firm believer that college is something along the lines of, 'what you put in is what you get out of it'. I'm doing all I can but there is always that huge little distraction that reminds me I can't be happy until yeilding at the mercy of those monstrous words. It's so hard, and I feel like I'm so weak and so...so nothing.
Literally nothing. Humble is the best word I can find for it....and it's completely obvious scribbled all over my face and tuned into my voice. I'm nothing and I know it

I miss my friends and I want to go home...
We had fun that night:
Went to eat and then went to the comedy club with a buncha people. I miss doing things with the people who know me best. It was almost the most fun I'd had all summer(almost)

"Here Sarah", she said as she threw a box at me that hit me in the butt, "You'll need it for all the times you get upset"

"Shutup", I said snobbishly and bit my toungue for fear that I'd rub in her face the consecutive nights of pain she went through. She could be rude and I wanted to show her that I could be just as uncouth...instead I chucked it harder and promised that it would be her who need it on those lonely nights rahter than I.
Foolishness...

We probably equally used that box of tissues and sought out comfort in its contents almost every night. But I tossed it in the trash as we left the dorm last summer, blindly thinking that since I knew where I wanted to be I would no longer need to cry.
Foolishness...

Doesn't mean anything when your head is clear and you know where it is you want to go and whose company you'd most of all enjoy.
Worthless...

I'm so quiet now. Don't want to answer my phone even when I do have the minutes. Partly because it strikes me in my neck every time I speak aloud, but also because that voice just isn't there. Even when I do speak and try to voice what I feel and what I think....nobody hears it. Maybe sometimes but not when it matters the most to me.

That's just nonsense up there...
I can write about something thats fact and something that can be dated and proven true FOREVER. Nothing up there or in the past is always true...no matter how stubborn a heart you have. The fact that my body aches from morning till night is real, and nothing and I mean nothing stops it from plaguing and stifling my every day....

But the idea of growth and change, is constantly evolving; Never staying the same and always making ammendments. I'd be a cruel cruel person to stunt the growth of another and hold them back from what they really could be.

I could promise so many times that there isn't anything that is the same (save a few good things) and with only the ability to do so, could such greatness come about....this is for sure. I've realized that promises aren't always as valid as they seem to be. But this is certain and I will promise it with great honesty and confidence.
More on promises much later...

I was able to get one picture from my dorm in the summer...that was my messy side of the room! 

I didn't even know the number.

I had no idea but that horrible feeling was all too familiar. But you know what, it's different now. Too much time and more growing for me to be wrapped up for miles from an inch of attention.

"Go away", I was thinking as his questions kept coming
"Why are you calling me", escaped out of my mouth in the heat of aggravation. But it wasn't tended to with the same emotions...just laughs on the other end.

"Your wasting my minutes" I said quite frankly.

FISTY? Fisty sounds too playful and fun to be used in the same sentence in regards to me!

I'm to the point of apathy in regards to that hopeless character. He's got nothing but a pretty face and a lying mouth that will take him all but nowhere.


"You don't care?"
If I had a mirror first I'd shove it in your face and say:
"PLEASE ASK ALL QUESTIONS IN THE MATTER OF EMOTIONS TO THE PROPER PERSON!
SPEAK TO DIRECT AUTHORITY!"
Then I'd break it over his head.

I'm at a point where I know what is good and I know what I want. I don't have to worry and wonder anymore...it's all a matter of WHEN.

Oh shit...

Fall starts in almost a week...

I don't want to do it agian. It's so hard and I'm not equipped with the brain power that college work requires. Besides that, school seems to be the last thing I want to think about. My mind is on a one way track and this is the very reason why I certainly will not see anyone in Jacksonville, let alone making an exception for home town fellas. I mean, this is almost useless in my eyes but the heart and mind don't coincide...ever!

Oh well...

Hey I think I've been in this position before...

Feels familiar...

Kinda bitter sweet to have it once more...

I can't quite put my finger on it though...

Oh yeah there it is...

Yup definatly been here before....

Too many times and I don't want to go back...

To being...

FUCKING BORED LIKE I AM NOW!

somebody please take me shopping or make me some food- I'm deteriorating here in Gainseville.

Explanation of Grades and GPA
Grades will no longer be mailed after Fall 2001 term.
Grades for Term Summer 2004
Course
Section
Title
Grade
Hours Earned
Hours Average
Hours Attempted
Q-Pts
MUH2018
032
EVOLUTION OF JAZZ
A
3.0
3.0
3.0
12.00
SLS1990
012
FIRST YEAR SEMINAR
A
1.0
1.0
1.0
4.00
XMW0001
029
MATH WORKSHOP
P
0.0
0.0
0.0
0.00
Term GPA 4.00

*Basically it says that I have a freaking 4.0 and I'm the shiz-nit!!!!!!!!!*

Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you

He's cool

Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you!

Here I am! Sitting alone wondering, waiting, HOPING, wishing, and waiting some more thinking to myself that hes alone too.

hah...

I'm so plain; so dull and slutty with an ugly face right?...why bother with that anyways?

Today I gave up, and lost all of that useless hoping. Who's to say it would make a difference anyways.

My fault

"I don't want to fall to peices

I just want to sit and

Stare at you...

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want to conversation

I just want to cry in front of you....

I don't want to talk about it

Cause I'm in love with you..."



There you have it...thats all I want and that's all I feel. Somehow I've made these signs that scream out to everyone,

"BLAME ME EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T DO IT"

"PUNISH ME FOR TELLING THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH"

Yeah that's cool, way to make me feel great about the change I've done and nobody else notices. Life couldn't possibly get any worse:

*Nobody

*Too much Math

*All this goodness and nobody to give it to

I don't know what to do when I try and look into the future and I see nothing but dread...I don't want to think any further without that person there.

On a different note...My neck is killing me. I'm worried and I'm afraid I'll have to go to the doctor next week. I iced it last night but I've never felt pain such as this before in my life. It's hard to turn, sometimes talk and look around.

Sometimes I think If I didn't have BAD LUCK I'd have no luck at all huh?

Oh my gosh! It's always something isn't it??? Holy Sarah Jane...

Another accident...

But this time it was not my fault and nothing to pay for its just that my neck is badly aching and I've got a horrible headache. Oh well I guess.

It will also be a bit of an inconveinance since my car will no doubt be in the shop for atleast three to four days...it is FUCKED up! I'll have to take my mom's jeep to Gville and my mom will get a rental car...

This sucks, I had so much to do today and I've done nothing but sleep and take aleeve...and nobody that I want to vent out to with all of my heart

Where are you?

I knew it would be this way but we all have our doubts; our fears that drive us to be inept on what matters most.

Yeah but that doesn't include me so...no worries. I gotta admit it though:

Zach and I weren't too sure what to expect. It was such a hot day and we were loading stuff in my car back and forth and it was miserable, so it seemed like with all of that why not put a little salt on the wound right? But we both passed and I'm really proud of him only because he's got a learning disability in math (me too). People who overcome trials like that are very admirable to me. And I've realized over this summer that I can do math. I don't understand how through highschool (except sophomore year) I struggled to get a D. Because I have been doing this and getting help and I know this stuff so well and I remember it from high school and realize how ELEMENTARY it really is. But I'm so pleased with all the work and all the efforts I put into this course and for me to pass it (it's a pass or fail course) is very exciting considering the requirements and what not. So yeah...thats my story


I'll be coming back in the Fall without fail though many of the people I have met-

Will not be. But you have to wonder where their priorities stand and what represents importance in their eyes.

So I have to complete an essay tonight and I don't exactly know where I'm going to stay....? Hmm...I was gonna go to the Library and Book Store and then figure it out from there. I could sleep in my car? Take a bath in the many lakes that UNF has to offer....? I've seen the alligator in the lake twice now and hardly anyone has seen it. I named him Herman so now all my friends call him that and tell me how they looked for him. I told them that they just weren't ready for that kind of power and all in time it would come, lol.

Anyways...TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY OF CLASS! All I have to do is a skit for a presentation and turn in my half-ass written essay then IM HIGH TAILIN IT outta there.


Out like the handi-cap parking spaces at the special olympics....
(good one lauren)

Uh oh...

Four page exam, with only an hours worth of effort...?

I'm worried but I know I gave it my all and did everything I could. I felt somewhat confident and felt as though I knew what I was doing. There were some sections where I knew what to do but I forgot to factor first and so I know I got atleast two wrong. But there should be no reason why I get below a 70...

Yeauh! The other great news for the day is that Jeff is supposed to be calling me this afternoon to "talk" to me. Apparently he called my mother this morning and they discussed financial issues and I think they are working something out so that he can contribute something...? My mom said just wait and talk to him but it's got somethin to do with all of that I suppose? Any kind of help is great and I appreciate it all, even if I could come and work for them once or twice a month.

Ummm...

?

hah...
Two of the same kinds of restaurants in one week...I have to be honest here:

Jacksonville guys have NO imagination.

Is this how they treat their girls? Psshh...I'm headin for Georgia. Oh wait there isn't anything there either besides dramatically emotional navy boys who want to know where to go from "here". And to think that THIS RIGHT HERE, is what I wanted!!! A hot, naked guy holding me, telling me he wants to love and take care of me forever. (How great would it be to travel with him) But I just wanted to get to that "special place" and roll over for bed.

I'm doomed I think...if I want them they aren't there, when they are there I don't want them

I woke up yesterday and didn't stop doing math until 5:30pm. I took a lunch break then I went back to the library and then to Amy and Sarah's room. We did problems up to ying yang and I'm so burnt out on math. I'm so relieved to get this break because without it I'd never survive Fall.

I have much to do today:

*Class

*Blood Drawn

*Tutoring

*Afternoon w/ Clayton (take two...definatly not from the past)

*Library meeting at 1:00pm

*Cleaning

*Essay

*Dinner in Amelia Island on Fernandina Beach (pretty names...)

I just don't think the days are long enough anymore. Can't wait till tomorrow night!!!! Getting the hell out of that fucking dorm and sleeping in a nice big bed in a place where gas only costs 1.71 (woo hoo!!). I'm kinda apprehensive about it but really, I'm not anything to anyone and nothing I do can be perceived as anything more than a frienship. Right? I think he thinks he's in love with me...but that can't be right can it? It's only been a week of the two of us having sex. He just takes me out to dinner and then straight to the bedroom where it starts and ends. But I can't tell him where I am BEFORE I go over there, cause that will break his heart.

Amelia Island is on the way to Georgia so I kill two birds with one stone. (I'm a pimp)

I'm in class so I need to start reviewing...

I'm off like a PROM DRESS........

I'm done. No really..

I'm done!

How can I try and play a guy whose scamming me himself? I'm not going to sit here and play games and watch someone else do as they please. I can specifically remember a time when everything was monitered and analyzed...but I do none of this. I say my opinion in a casual manner and leave it to that...

Moving on

Had a nice dinner last night on the water in Georgia and relieved my stress in the best way I knew how(wink wink). Aromatherapy oil really does the trick...
He's not too bad in bed, but for being 24 I was expecting some awesome sex. It was applaudable (is that a word?) and I got what I needed

Studying is going very good. I continue to amaze myself with an A+ on my Jazz exam and a garunteed passing grade in this math class. Well I don't want to be too confident but I can fail it miserably with a 50 and still pass. However, I want atleast a B so I'm here in the library (taking a break obviously) doing what I can to prepare myself.

I'm so confused and overwhelmed. I will be incredibly grateful for the break I'm about to have. I need to get the hell out of Jacksonville, I've never met so many people with the same mind set as myself in regards to a relationship. I don't think I can handle it and I want out... I used to want what they want and I used to dream about all they speak of and wish to me about.
I don't want the drama I'm finding myself in because I want to make friends and put myself out there. These people don't know what they are talking about because I've done nothing but be myself and I can't help the feelings they caught. But I'm not going to be questioned and I'm not going to emerse myself in these serious conversations about where the friendship is going...because it's going nowhere unless into the trash.

Why couldn't I have had this problem when I wanted something with someone?

I hate the idea of losing friends over desire but I'm realizing it happens more often then I realized before. It's like, If not this way, then it's no way. Which seems unfair to me but I can't change the way things happen...