Your A Traiter To Your Own Heart, Be Ashamed

Before today,

I woke up yesterday with a hand resting on my hip. I knew exactly whose hand it was and why it was there. It is always there on those certain weekends. And every time he lays his sencere hands on my waist in an innocent embrace, I'm slightly easing it off with delicacy. Very carefully so not to disturb the half conscious body sleeping so close to me. I throw out one of those fake coughs and inch closer to the edge of the bed, and his hand will fall down beside my back. My efforts are useless. Something in his heart or mind tells him that something very important is missing. And that hand goes back up on my waist, sometimes pulling my body closer to his.

Our relationship can be best described by others as nothing short of perfect. He is perfect. Perfect for someone else, but not me.

In truth, I loathe those hands. Almost as much as the breath that heats up the back of my neck as he whispers, "mmmm, goodmorning beautiful". I hate the feet that casually and affectionatly brush agianst mine...

It reminds me of one of those commercials or sappy greeting cards. The ones in black and white with an image of nothing but two feet intertwined between blankets. They caress eachother in love and the viewer can't help but see the implicit message of pure joy that isn't directly displayed before them. But make no mistake in this one, my feet long for the front door treading towards my truck....

[why i stayed i'll never know. and why this previous writing of my lamentable relationship seems important me, i dont know. maybe im trying to smack myself in the face with reality. he's not for me. but i cant help but wish i was with him now. even though we all know if this was feasible, id long to leave agian. i dont understand why when i acknowledge that foolish people are always wanting what they cant have, am i doing what i find ignorant? im just like the rest of them i suppose. even though i can find that place in my mind that says i care so little for him, im so caught up with the way he loved me that i want to find that love too. so convinced am i, that you can eventually fall in love. i think you can settle for someone. even if it isnt the right one for you. and i dont see why i couldnt do it then. or even now. maybe my theory of settling for less is wrong. but i have always been going about things the wrong way...]