Before It Was Different...

because before when it happened you were with me. In a sense, he was with me too, but not like you were. With you I knew why you were there, I knew the reasons why you held my hand and let me cry on your shoulder. You wanted to be there. You wanted to make me feel better, and you did. By simply being there.

This time I was alone. I went to sleep with the fears of tomorrow without the certainty that anyone with significance to my heart, knew about them [my fears]. And I guess that could be the only reason why I even said something to him. To try and escape from this feeling of isolation in the worst two weeks of my year thus far.

That was foolish

In a sense, I did it all by myself. I may as well have driven myself because it might have been more comforting than sitting next to him. There was a wall between us as we drove in silence. And all I heard was sad music that seemed to say what I was thinking. Funny how life is like that sometimes.

I walked in the bathroom and read those directions as if under water, tears dropped on the words I was trying to read. The maintenence woman in the public restroom must have been curious as to my delay- but I didn't even notice that her broom accidentally brushed my feet until I heard her say, "Sorry baby".

It might as well have been fake. Because the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking to myself that this isn't happening to me. I'm going to go to school and get my PhD and I'm not going to be put on hold for the birth of some child conceived on a night I hardly remember.

Yes, it was that bad. I waited those three minutes. And I felt my heart beat in sync with that little symbol blinking on the small screen as I waited to find out what I thought I already knew. You always hope for the best. Because we as young adults have this mind set that things can't happen to us. We think that those horror stories of getting knocked up, and getting abortions are for people lower than us. But it can happen to anyone, and I think that's what I realized as I was sitting in the bathroom hearing,
"Attention Wal-Mart shoppers...."

Yes, it was that bad.

God it was so bad.

And there is that wall between us now. That unspoken memory of what could have happened will always arise when we see eachother out, and hear each other's names spoken. It won't go away and we could never, ever be farther apart than we are today.


it was bad...but it could have been worse...he could have ignored me and not helpd me in the slightest...it could have been ten times worse...but it was still bad...just cause we dont know eachother...we arent close...apparently when i said we'd be good friends it was the alcohol talking...haha...we'll not speak agian im sure...things are like that...and i cant control it...but im fine...not worrying about eating for two....haha...finals are soon....must focus on that...getting wasted tonight....and then im studying for the rest of the weekend....wow im so out of it....i dont even want to study....im screwed. so im getting wasted....