Gift That I'm Burnin' All At Once...

Selfish can be best defined by the lack of thought for other people, and the ignorant idea that one's ideas and feelings are the same as the majority. Also characterized by high images of one's self without thinking realistically about flaws.

(i'll give myself this: i realize my flaws!)

I guess I'll always be selfish. In some way or another. Perhaps it's because I'm an only child. Maybe we can blame it on that. But I hate to be one with an "external locust of control" so I'm just going to say that I'm characterised by selfishness. I can't imagine the world not running as smoothly as I expect it to, nor for people to act out in any other way than in favor of me. But don't most people feel that way? Maybe not...

But this ought to work out for me the best way right? After all it is my life.

But last night perhaps for the first time I honestly wondered if I would get my way. Maybe it wasn't the first time I doubted my self-centered thoughts, but I actually acknowledged that the possibility of inevitable failure was there with me while I was driving last night.

I questioned whether or not someone else will love me like Jeremy did.

"Of course Sarah, but your young and it doesn't have to be right now. If someone loved you better than Jeremy and you loved them back, you should have a ring on your finger...or at least a relevant image of one..."

And there it is. I heard it over and over in my head. Not right now. I can't grasp my mind over the fact that some things don't come easy. And you know what, there is a possibility that the love I wished for so much was Jeremy. And that was my only chance. And I blew it. Never ever will mine and his relationship go back to the way it was. He can't even love a girl who is better than me, the way he loved me. He just can't. I did irrevocable (sp.) damage and not until he's secure in a relationship will he show that side of him.

Selfishly, I thought if I told him I had changed and that I wanted his love back...he would go back too. Even now, looking back at all the things I did, I still don't see why he won't. To me, all I see is that someone won't give me what I asked for. I begged and cried too. That's a lot of work for just something I want. It didn't work. And I'm not honest or dedicated enough to put real time and effort into something I desire. Why can't it be handed it to me without a fuss? And that's completely earth shattering. Because the more I know I can never have it, the more I want it.

He knows my character well enough by now. I know he now thinks it's just a game. Before, It was tough to get his heart back. But I always got it. Each time it was a little more harder and every try I gave I swore that time I truly wanted it. But once he fell to his knees with his heart in his hands wrapped in a pretty bow, I would find something better to put fake effort into.

That's sad. Selfish. And lamentable. [How can I expect to be mature enough to find a relationship with the attitude of always wanting more?] With a little hope and trying, it will go away...? Tomorrow I might wake up and realize that I'm just another insignificant individual in this universe that doens't amount to even one percent of the whole picture in this lifetime. I'll look in the mirror and say, "who are you? to think the way you do?"

And I'll walk down the hall and maybe smile at someone passing by, or open a door instead of getting lost in my own head without regard for anything but me.

um...thats heavy duty stuff....i hate to be so serious with myself...pointing out my flaws and such...but really its not as bad as i make it out to be...im not that selfish...i like to make things more dramatic than they alredy are...but trust me...im selfish....i like to write my own way...and though what im doing now is grammatically incorrect....i like it...and these little dots....are fun....so talking in fragments is my style...i appreciate non-complete thoughts....and everyone else should too....right? selfishness!
class tonight...work tomorrow....found that i will be spending the WHOLE summer at USF....woop woop....im thrilled....even more excited that i dont get to go to seattle...however i will be nice and ahead of the game when i get back...see i got a good head on my shoulders....any guy would be lucky to have me....if he was worthy enough...look! see there i go, selfish. tisk tisk..tanned today...burnt my butt...ouch...beauty is pain though right...not like anyone will see my ass...well not EVERYONE, but someone will be this weekend... i hope...haha...might train to be a server at carrabbas....weird...mom says id actually have to TRY and be nice and personable...wow....really?....thats tough....might work on my people skills...but i got big boobs...dimples...and fat lips that look like they are good for one thing...im pretty sure people will find me pleasant to look at....see, selfish!