Some Contemplation, Much Hesitation- Hit The Road

I soaked your jewelry in hot water and dish soap today. My mom's ex fiance' used to tell me it was the next best thing if you didn't have the special stuff. Coming from a jewler I guess I've taken that with me... even though he's not.

The light hit the diamonds hard and I really looked into it. I remember you said something about what it meant to you by giving it to me, and how the shape resembling a tear was symbolic- but I'm not gonna lie anymore-
I wasn't listening.

I've gone over a thousand times, even in dreams, what it would be like if you were back in that state of mind when you gave me the diamonds. And I guess I've imagined so much what you would be like, that I've forgotten to realistically picture how I would be.

What's different now, from then, that would make my heart fall for yours?

That's right...nothing.

It's another one of those challange/chase ordeals. Once the goal is attained I'll probably seek something more thrilling. Because we both know those subconscious games I play...

They all thought I was shining my jewelry to put it back around my neck; to continue adorning my ears. And maybe half way through I thought about putting it back on. I've worn it all for so long and every time I look in the mirror-there you are. And with every compliment from a stranger, your rolling off my toungue caught up in some romantic sentence agian.

Maybe that's the very reason I put it away in a small silk bag this afternoon. Because I want to see my own reflection tonight when I brush my teeth, and I'd rather just be humble for awhile and wear some multi-colored, silk ribbon around my neck. I'm 19 and I wear jewelry like I'm a married woman.

I turned off my phone last night too. I reverted back to the days when I'd previously done that trick and when I turned my phone back on I would find 20 new messages. I checked my messages this morning, and there was none. So that means I cried my way through the night and you didn't leave your voice on a recording to set my anxiety at ease.

I'm sure there is a name for it. Some process that a person goes through mentally...? Coming of age or reaching a higher degree of womanhood? But it's hard to rid myself of everything I believe to want, to seperate my life from my dreams. How will I ever know if the image I envision when I close my eyes is real, unless I let it go?

So I won't be wearing his diamonds anymore, and I wish you as the reader knew what that meant for him and I.