How Can I Put It? He Put Me on...I Even Fell For That Stupid Love Song

I'm tired. Tired of exterting so much energy into the unknown, thinking it's worth while due to promises that turned out empty after all.

How can he look at himself in the mirror everyday and claim to be something he's not. How can he degrade everything a relationship between two people stands for, and still go on? I don't understand the hypocracy behind it all but for the first time I do understand

the meaning of anger. The kind that started in my heart when she called and slowy moved to my mind when he didn't disagree. It's a gradual process because all the while denial is slipping slowly along the path and I'm stopping to think that this must be wrong. Give it ten minutes and I'm sure this will be all cleared up. That's what we all thought- deeming his character!

We were all caught up in his lies and his facad. It really got to me though. I can't remember how many times I said, "No go out and explore who you are...don't set limits upon yourself". And he said he might agree if not for an amazing girl (that amazing girl would be me). His dedication and persistence was charming, and his gentlemen attributes were the cherry toppings. It wasn't until two days before reality came back that I started to accept it and even want it.

He didn't get anything besides my company. So naturally I'm going to be drawn to the differentiality of his character compared to the typical college guy.

Accidental Lies.

It took me, just some girl to be dragged into it, to make him realize how much he loved someone else. How horrible would I feel if I was attatched to him? What if I truly cared? The damage is done, but it was so close to being much more. So close...

To my face and my voice, I was gorgous and amazing. To her I was this annoying girl who kept throwing myself at him. (Way to switch the roles around!) That's the hardest to hear, that according to him speaking to her, I was some girl who didn't get the picture...When it was him who persued me.

How do you get past that? How do you see someone everyday and hold back the anger inside? Is that even possible?

I will not allow someone to pry their way into my life and my world only to be shit on. I will not confide in someone with trust, only to be exposed when promised not to be. I won't submerge myself into a routine that I thought was comfortable only to realize that it appears now that I'm some stupid girl who doesn't get it. I will not look like a homewrecker. But I was. And I am.

I'm at a point where should I sit down, or stand up while I scream? Where should I go to make this embrassment eleviate? Home? Well here I am in Clearwater all the way from Jacksonville and it's not gone. I sought out someone else for an hour and it's still here in my heart.

And I know they are having the best time of their lives tonight. I know the smile he's got on his face...it's the same one he used on me yesterday.
How do I get past that?
(No cries...no sadness...just anger. Just pure disgust with someone who dared to enter my life with those kinds of intentions. I will make him wish he never met me. She told me he would try to call me, that he would try to talk to me. She said he wants to be my friend and that she trusts the two of us now. I laughed heartily and assured her with confidence that we will never be in the same room unless at Work. And I will not look at him, nor will I so much as allow myself to know he is within ten feet of me. I know if he is, and I know it...there's no telling what will come out of my mouth. My words are cold and I don't want them to hurt him...even though he hurt me)