How Come I Never Hear You Say- I Just Want To Be With You? Guess You Never Felt That Way...

I learn a lot in Jacksonville. I'm more of an observer than actually living here. I serve my purpose of school work and lectures...but I can't breathe here.

Catching air up North is rough, but in Dunedin my lungs will fill up so big that I'm amazed they don't burst. This lifestyle is just another one of the many getaways I thought would save myself. But here I am three floors above the ground with some strange lake sitting outside my window- and all my troubles are lying under the blankets with me. Atleast back when I was home I had someone to turn to. How can I go from being within ear shot of my mother down the hall...to this emptiness.

I remember I used to close the door because she breathed so heavy I could hear her. She used to keep me up and it took a loud fan and a pillow over my ears to make the noise drown out. Now as I lie awake while the world sleeps I think about what I wouldn't give to go back for just a night. And belong there like I used to, with my room untouched and messy with high school books, clothes, and pictures.

I used to fall asleep with the image of the neighbors roof and their sattelite dish slightly covered by trees...now sometimes when I see the stars and nothing else I just close my eyes and pretend I'm looking at that roof agian. And instead of closing the door- this time I leave it open just so I know she's there.
...................................................................................................

Going home for the night wasn't the smartest idea I've had so far. It's not healthy to go from one to the other in hopes of forgetting. It only intensifies the pain I guess.
Mark hasn't said anything to me until today.
he went ice skating last night with everyone...but i only heard his voice from a distance. i caught him stealing glimpes of me but what does that mean anyways? i hear one thing from her on friday and saturday and then i hear something else from carrabbas people.
I'd like to hear the truth now...
texting him was just something i thought i had to do- he fucked up not me. and im thinking im too mean and unapproachable (he knows this well enough) to talk to. he said he tried talking to me and i said bull shit. i got one of those "you can even ask dan" type lines. whatever dude. i said if you really think that theres something of worth to say- ill listen. " you did me so wrong and STILL came out on top with a GIRLFRIEND" thats a good line
eager to hear what hes got to say