I Wasn't Alone Last Night, But I May As Well Been

I walked down the hall to get a pillow to rest my aching neck on. Half way back to the couch I realized I only grabbed one. Funny I had to first see it before the simple courtesy came to my mind. That's just one thing.

He laid his head down on my shoulder two nights ago. It took me 10 seconds of debating and 5 seconds of telling myself no, before that invisible force pushed my resisting head down on top of his. And to him it seemed like endearment, but to me it was like duty. what of that?

I want them all when I'm too far away, and the only thing I can have is their voice across the phone lines. Sure sure, I'm madly in love and wishing to try but only when the committment isn't staring me in the eyes.

I don't get it either. Either one:
PERFECT. In every way they are both perfect. And I'm sure with a little time and effort I could have what I believe to be so grand in my life. Either one would be looking on in amazement at the ridiculous things I say or do, while I giggle with playful guilt knowing how foolish I purposely act. Either could watch me tear apart my food at dinner and listen to my extravagant reasons for mutilating my meal. But I don't think that I'd want them to in a sense where they could claim my amusing characteristics...

But why?

Saturday night I sat alone and watched three love story-based movies on demand. In a sense, I wasn't alone but I may as well been. He passed out on my shoulders not even 10 minutes after he laid on the couch. It was sweet and a smile gently came across my face as I watched him sleep. But my sencere glances were just that- sencere glances that couldn't be taken any further in emotion due to uncontrollable, unknown reasons.

Sometimes I wonder if my "passion" or maybe even "obsession" for love is misfortune in itself. Maybe those who don't really care to think about it, will be the ones who really find it. Perhaps those who don't spend their life dreaming about the day when the search ends- will never look agian. Sometimes when I'm driving, or taking a shower, I pretend like I'm apathetic. When I'm walking down the hall I give myself this false demeanor and in my mind I'm repeating to myself, "I'm thinking of today only and not tomorrow..."
It makes me feel like I've cheated the world into believing that I don't care anymore.

But that day will end like others and the next will find me bitterly thinking about how everyone else has fallen in love and I have yet to experience it.