Sometimes I Can't Find The Lightswitch...Sometimes I'd Rather, Dwell In The Darkness

I wanted to say that this isn't the me, that I want you to know. This isn't the person who accuratly represents who I am. The "me" you met last night, was drunk. And maybe I can use that excuse one more time, and still have it be valid. And my actions would suddenly be justified in that one small word,

drunk.

I was looking at the small light pouring in from underneath the door, wishing we might still be out there. Out of what we were doing. That's not me by choice, is what I'll say this time. I wanted you to learn and experience. But not the way you did. And that's okay too, because nobody wants to learn and experience these days in the way that I do. So I accept it and live nights like the one we just had. Apparently, it's fun. I don't think it's so much fun. If I met someone that gave me the idea they weren't like everyone else, then maybe I'd stop. If I still believed in promises and faith, only then would I be firm in my declines. I more wanted you, or anyone, to say no. To say this isn't how I want to know you. But nobody I meet thinks like that.

So now, the word "no" is just for fun. I say "no" with a devious smile. Who says "no" with a smile?

I'm almost 100 percent positive that you can read somebody if you look. If you looked at my smile when I'm exposed the way that I was in front of you- it's lacking. There's more to a smile than just lips and I haven't found one person since Jeremy to point out my discomfort amidst laughter. I wanted you, someone, anyone, to look into my eyes and identify my apprehension.

But they never do. So I have to find some way to avoid that disapointment.

It makes me feel better to pretend that they are nobody. I'm the one with character and personality and this amazing life, while they go back to nothing. That's why it's better to not talk. I don't want any information. I don't want to know where your from. I don't care to hear about stories that molded you into the person you are, and I most certainly do not want to listen to your love history. I don't. People don't realize the bonds you make with another just by simply listening. Taking in information that brings the two of you to a common ground is building some kind of relationship.

Sometimes afterwards they would want to talk. And I would say give me a minute and we will talk. I'd close my eyes and just before I slipped into sleep, I'd say
"talk to me, and I'll listen". It's hard to completely tune out an individual's voice. I listened the frist time, and after that scenario ran its course I never had trouble ignoring agian. I don't want to know the things that they have to tell me.

Because it hurts to see family phots, and it makes me regret to see pictures of another amazing life, just like mine.

It's then that I know the two of ours could never be amazing together...