I deleted the previous posts that were so truthful that it got me in so much trouble. Turns out the one person that I wrote about was nosy and pigheaded enough to find them. Interesting...
With the "oh well" state of mind I am happy to annouce that J and I have lost the game I wanted to banish for so long. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy our time, it's just that it troubled and stressed me out thinking of my feelings in comparison (or should I say contrast) to his. We clashed like purple and red; the differences ranging from ideas, beliefs, and how we wanted to be seen from other's eyes. Life will go on for me, and eventually it will for him. I'm suffocating in guilt and misery just thinking of how he's taking it, and what he's going through. It reminds me of when Jim and my mom split. She didn't get out of bed for days, she didn't sleep, nor did she eat. Her voice left her after she didn't speak for so long and the simple task of walking around the house became an akward movement to her legs. She got over it after awhile, the meds and therapy did her some good and she's almost the same now. It's crazy to think that's what LOVE can do. I hope I'm never in that situation, though I'm already beginning to feel like shit. And why would I feel so bad being single and without the ball and chains to hold me down. In all honesty it's another one, another to add to my list that will probably end up in bitter love and disapointment. Mark my words Jason has full potential of hurting me. I can see already the way that my heart reacts to the sight of him, and how my hopes soar when he speaks avidly of how much he likes me. Yes, this could be the sign of trouble. Although I can't help but comparing Jason to Jeremy...
Jason doesn't compare to Jeremy. Jeremy would never never do the little things that Jason misses. Jeremy wouldn't forget to call, or not call me inbetween the times we see eachother. He wouldn't dare miss the opportunity to help or touch me, nor would he leave out questions or conversation with actual merit. Jason is sweet like Jeremy in some ways. He knows how much I love my arms and hands rubbed, so he grabs my hand all the time to do it without me having to tell him. I love the feeling of minding my own business driving with both hands on the wheel, then having it taken away to be caressed out of the blue. Makes me feel good to simply be sitting on the couch and having random kisses strategically placed about my face and hands. We watched the sun go down on Wednesday...while sitting in front of him between his legs I discovered that his head fits perfectly in the corner where my neck and shoulders connect. Though I know that I'm thinking far too deeply into the small things like holding hands and making plans for the following week when it's only the middle of the present week.
I have to remember how vulnerable I am. I forgot how I attatch myself to those I find intriquing and desireable. How could I forget that feeling I had afterwards...? I'm feeling it now. I felt that way last night and I expressed it in many different ways! I was happy at first, considering me and Jason weren't sposed to talk till he got off work. But he called me when he was at work and said he had a second and wanted to say hello. I thought that was sweet and he called me like he said he would at 6:45...then he said he'd call back in a half hour. Well...it wasn't until 9:00 that he showed up at my house. I was so pissed. He said he'd lost track of time...WONDERFUL.
Today I woke up to a voicemail from 9:00am saying that he was just saying hi and he would see me at work. Well at work he was all happy and said that he would wait for me to get off work then we could go to his house and let him change, then to mine to hang out. THEN he leaves at 3:30 and says he'll call me when he gets done with laundry. Um ok, that's fine. Laundry doesn't take fucking three hours considering it's 6:30. I'm gonna need some boots cause his shit is getting to deep to walk through. Asshole.
We'll see...I bet tomorrow when I come home I'll be happy and cheery writing about what a great night we had. I can already see this as an emotional rollercoaster...
Fucking clean...real clean.