Don't laugh, and definatly do not make the false assumption that I'm a horny young lady, but...
For some reason the only thing I have been thinking about is sex. I don't mean fantasizing about my hot neighbor across the street, who by chance does our yard work. I'm talking about the constant re-playing of the one specific time. The first Time. Not a detail, word, or move got past my memory...
Maybe this is what the girls warned me about...Being the last virgin of my friends- I heard endless speeches of how "I'd dwell obsessively" and "It was over-rated" (yeah right ladies) or "Not worth the emotional pain" (So true...) But I did it anyways with someone I believed to love...
As with many cliche "first times", mine was just as unsuccessful as the stereotypical depictions of the night. Oh yes, it was the after-prom-hotel-room-sitcom/movie type ordeal. I'm so ridiculous...I look back into that night everyday, and why shouldn't I? It wasn't too long ago, not even a year since I was "De-flowered".
It's not so much the night and how it happened, it's more of the morning after. Unfortunately I can vividly recall all of those feeling and wishes I had lying there awake while he slept the morning away...

By far, it was the longest night's sleep
No dreams, only interruptions. Never before in my life had I slept naked, let alone with company. I had tossed and turned- eyed the clothing tossed carelessly on the floor and stared back at my bare skin. I was putting two and two together in my mind;Imagining I had gotten up and put all my clothes on- Walking towards the door I saw myself look back at him without care of my leave.
I came back to reality from the ruffling of covers on the other side...i saw his dark shadow and I dared not to rouse him.
I remember wanting to go back into the warm embrace in which I fell asleep, yet I struggled with myself to inch farther away from those reaching shadows.
"Why am I waking now?", I thought to myself.
With the sun's early dawn...? Perhaps it is my heart's way of punishment- that even as I closed my eyes, the bitterness felt within my heart was too strong to allow a night's rest with ease. She throbbed with resentment;And drummed out an evident wake up call so that I might be stricken with the shame and dishonor that eats away the core of the heart...
OR...
I awaken at this ludacris hour simply from the new day's brilliant call-
Which served as a comforting reminder to draw my attention to its fresh beginning; promising earnestly a clean slate and sympathetically reasurring that there's no need to hide beneath those unfamiliar sheets.
I looked around rising my drowsy head barely an inch- not thinking about turning towards the sleeping shadws behind my back. I felt as though I had rested a lifetime and wanted to get up- though I was too disturbed in the mind to get up. My eyes were drawn to the window's expansive appearance, and upon seeing the parking lot three stories below, my waking memory was triggered.
It happened, just like they said:
"He'll appease you up until it's over"
"Pay no mind to the sweet talking, he'll fall asleep right after!"
Painful surges of guilt mixed with remorse shot through my body. I ached inside from the beatings of reality:
I didn't lie with loving company.
And I was losing a lot by simply sleeping in that bed. Numbness and apathy were all that encumbered my body...without any excitement I looked at the creeping cars below, driving slowly for a parking spot, they seemed so distant that it provoked my internal sadness. I saw many faces walking in and out of that very building in which I felt trapped in. It's sad, but I remember seeing a woman with a large suitcase...upon seeing its voluminous size, I wished and envisioned myself inside of it. I thought hard on that pathetic notion and felt the certainty that i could fit in there and travel far away from those dark shadows beside me.
I didn't understand the mindless demeanors compared to mine so tragic. I stared at them with pure disgust. Anger violently shot my body upwards, as if awakening from a nightmare.
How was it possible that those people, similair to me, were out there living so comfortably, while I was naked under itchy blankets freezing to death by the occasional brush of his cold, deceitful skin.
Though I was viewing from afar, I could see the joy in their expressions distinctively. They were happy? And I wasn't...?
Is it fair that they could walk back and forth so near to that window, yet still be so oblivious to me on the other side. Were they so fucking blind that the obvious disrepute lying just hundreds of feet away was practically non-existent? How could they be so close, and not hear the loud, screaming emotions above?
I wished I was outside,
With all of them living so foolishly carefree.
I wanted to be anywhere but in that bed,
With those waking shadows touching my back, and whispering my name.