I've got my whole insomnia thing going on agian for me. I'm lying in bed with his picture and drowning in tear stained tissues. I know in my heart I looked and made all the effort I could. But after so long I knew it would never be.
Though he might argue that I didn't, don't be fooled into believing that I never thought about him, or pondered notions of an "us". I really did, I thought about the future he held steadily and confidently in his eyes, yet I still struggled to distinguish any representation.
Though I attempted with all that I had to find, at the end of the day I came home empty handed from the navigation into the depths of my mind.
Nothing of value did I ever retrieve-
From my heart, soul, or mind.
Quite frankly my responses of "All in time" later turned to mere "I don't know" and sighs. Ah yes, the sigh. I was good at those, and he knew what that meant.
DESPERATION. I wasn't grasping the ardent words that he spoke. I would never perceive all that he held so dear to his heart,
Everlasting happiness
Relentless excitement
Avid lust...
I knew it wasn't meant to be when my stomach remained constant as he continued on; It remained casual without giddy butterflies or the nervousness that tumbles towards attraction and love.
My lips did not reflect that beaming smile that never left his anxious face. That smile brings tears to my eyes, for I know that deep down he had all the false hope he could carry.
My mouth didn't utter words in similar context to his; nothing regarding agreement to those plans and emotions.
My poor heart betrayed itself simply by the seemingly innocent act of listening! Didn't I feel the deception as he was permitted to carry on, rambling for hours of dreams and wishes. My heart certainly acknowledged the falsities yet strained agianst truth for his sake.
Why did I do that to him? Why did I let him get so attatched...now he cries of where his place is, where can he go.
"Do you want my dog" he said...he loves his dog more than anything. I looked at Harlee and saw only him. If in truth he wanted the dog no longer, I would never recover or be stable agian. All I would see, or hear was him.
"I don't want anything anymore..." His heart fell into my hands and I stared at the pathetic sight of his melt down. What else could I do but placate myself and keep going? I'll always end up in the same place:
While he repeats what the future will be like for us, my eyes will feel the compelling urge to venture elsewhere. Far away from his burdens, and desperate love- and the farthest away from him.


*Forever I will have love, and lament in his honor. I have strayed him away from life, and all of the apologies I have could never amount to anything considering all I've done...I'm a horrible person for leading him on in hopes that I'll come around to him. I'm ashamed to no end and this I will remember every day*