Last night was interesting. After going to Jessica's and realizing that Jay was PURPOSELY avoiding me, I got upset while we were movie browsing. At blockbuster of all places, in public I had to face the hard facts that he was probably using me and wanted to break up with me. Oh it was a sad sight, but I held it together as long as I possibly could. When we went back to the house we had hoped that Jay and Shane would be gone, but Shane was there and no Jay.

Relief

I didn't want to see him and I wasn't in any mood for confrontations. So I was socializing and what not and I turned my head to see Jay walk out of Shane's room. Immediatly I directed my eyes to the floor and said nothing...holy ackwardness. It was almost embarassing because we weren't even speaking to eachother. He went to the couch after waving at me and I decided to grow the balls he didn't have and talk to him.

"So, do you still want to have that talk with me?", I said very quietly.

He smiled and looked at me with his beautiful eyes, "No not yet, just wait"

"Did I do something wrong? I don't think I did but maybe I did something the other day to upset you"

It ended after that and we spoke about work and what they were going to do that night. The disapointment must have been no doubt obvious because he kept looking at me, almost wanting to say something but holding back. I wanted to cry without hesitation but I got up instead to take some shots of tequila,

"Fuck him, If he wants to act like that it definatly isn't worth it" I thought as I downed a triple shot and almost gagged to death. I could tell myself all I wanted that he's gay and it wasn't worth my time, but It still hurt and I still had those horrible deep feelings for him. I didn't understand why, after being avoided and ignored could I still care for someone...?
They left and I drank away my worries and finally came upon the fabolous idea of peircings and tattooes! I drove drunk for the first and last time in my life to Cherry Bomb Tattoes and Jessica bought me a nose piercing and belly button piercing. I don't know how I did it, but I got the nerve to do BOTH right after the other. It was intense and due to the obvious fact that I was drunk out of my mind, I bled like I was shot. The guy was shocked and he said,

"Atleast you weren't drinking! Think how much worse it would be"

haha...he's so silly. Anyhow she got her boyfriend's name tattooed on her, which I strongly disagreed with, but hey that's just me.
So Shane called and he said he was drunk and needed to be picked up...he was alone and Jay had taken off. I wanted to cry, I wanted to erase every memory that we'd ever made and forget that I'd ever met him. Who would act one way and totally change to the opposite? It doesn't make sense to me how one can hurt someone so bad and not even care. Shane got in the car and immediatly told me to stop talking to Jay because he was a player and he didn't deserve such a, "Fucking beautiful girl who is too sweet and nice". I totally agree with him and questioned what had happened that.

"Did he like, pick up some girl or something?"

"Sarah, your fucking awesome, your way out of his league. There's something special about you and you don't need to be wasting your time and efforts on a loser like him"

He wouldn't tell me what had happened! I was so upset and I kept asking the same thing over and over but all he said was that Jay was a player. I was schocked, I couldn't picture the person I'd been spending the past three weeks with as a player. Well we got home and Shane's drunk ass passed out and I took a shower and layed down in Jay's room and fell asleep. I hoped with all my heart that he'd rush in and apologize with tears about how stupid he's been. He didn't, but a 4:30am I got a phone call and it was him.

HE: "What are you doing?"

ME: "Considering that it's almost 5 o'clock in the morning, I'm sleeping!"

HE: "But where are you sleeping at? Are you in clearwater?"

ME: "Honestly it's none of your business but no, I'm in Holiday"

HE: "Are you sleeping in my bed?"

ME: "Whose bed?! This is my bed Jason, I'm sleeping in MY bed with MY covers that I so generously brought over to you!"

HE: "Ok, our bed and our covers...it's only fair since it's my room. But I'm on my way so I'll be there in awhile"

Click. Fucking dousch bag, I was so pissed. But I got so excited when he walked in the room and I showed off my piercings. He layed next to me and held me close, I kept my sighing loud and evident so that he might wonder what was wrong. Sure enough he got the picture and I asked if we were going to break up. He expressed his deep feelings for me and how much he liked me and wanted to be with me. My heart sank and I loosened my grip on him, until he said that the last thing he wanted to do was break up with me and that's why he's been avoiding me.

"I needed to clear my head I didn't want to make a hasty decision and regret it"

Whatever. We didn't break up and we talked about how he worries about cheating but yet I'm the only girl he's ever trusted. I'd never cheat on him, ever. He thinks that one night after we hang out I could call Jeremy over and we could hook up. I got so pissed off and so emotional at the sound of that. I told him all about what Shane told me and he flipped out because it turns out that it was Shane who was being an ass. Shane was trying to get with this girl and her boyfriend showed up so he got mad and started talking shit to Jay and Jay's friends. All because Shane got cock-blocked he had to go and lie about Jay to me. I knew it didn't sound like him and I know for a fact that he was telling the truth because he called from his friend's house. He wanted to call them and make me talk to them but I believed him. He was sad about how everyone tries to make me think badly of him and how people are always up in our business. I told him about how Todd(our GM of the restaurant) questioned me on how happy Jay made me and how Jay's got a bad reputation. Jason was so mad because he doesn't like Todd at all and they don't get along.
Today at work Todd got up in my shit agian when he heard me and Jay talking about plans for tonight. Jay is going to make some money with Denny and Shane tonight and so Todd steps in and says, "You know Denny has to be back at work at 10:00pm tonight to ID at the door"
It made Jay look like he was lying to me and trying to cover up what he was really doing. Jason walked away and Todd started laughing at me and saying I had a cheater and a liar for a boyfriend. I started getting teary eyed and Jay asked me what was wrong. After telling Jay what Todd had said to me, Jason went off on Todd and almost got fired for cussing him out and making a scene in front of the guests. I was scared about what Todd would say to me for blabbing, but he came up to me and APOLOGIZED! I couldn't believe that Jay had said something, and not gotten fired, and made Todd say he was sorry. I was like, "well I don't care if you were joking, It really upset me"
I looked down the hall for Jay and he looked so pissed off with his eyebrows pushed in towards eachother and his mouth moving as though he was grinding his teeth. He looked at me and his features went soft and he winked twice while walking to his neglected tables. I caught him at the soda station and he said that everything was okay and Todd would never say anything like that to me agian...I was happy that he had stuck up for me and had the nerve to say something.
I'm going to see him tonight after he does his illegal stuff with Denny and Shane. I don't like what he's doing but he's broke and has to pay rent. I think to myself that I'd never in my life stay with a guy who sold any other drug than pot, and here I am still with Jay.
Driving home I looked down at my center console and found a note from this morning when we went to Mcdonalds, at the end of the little note he wrote,
Elephant Juice. I played back in my mind him laughing at me because I didn't know what that meant. I played dumb for I knew exactly what It looked like when you silently mouthed it out to a person. I watched his mouth form the words "I love you" a million times on my way home, just the way he had at 7:30am. He confessed to me that he was the type to get attatched quickly and have strong feelings very quickly...I laughed and silently wished it was true. He's got the two of us mixed up.