Return To Sender- Adress Unknown

The text read as follows:
"Thanks a lot Mike, I don't know what I was thinking? Your just like everyone else"

Now I've glued the cell phone to the palm of my hand thinking that if in fact he did call, I'd be able to answer quicker. Confusing situations have a way of putting things into perspective I believe. This tradgedy ( totally exaggerated but what can I say? I'm dramatic) definatly will color all of my future interactions with him...meaning I've already given him a second chance and he didn't have any room to slip. So, he can just take a new number and get back to the end of the line cause I'm not letting him cut in front anymore.
It doesn't matter now what was said before, and how we just "cliked" a few days before this one.

I've come to notice that words are superflious(sp?) and I don't trust any of them. The sweet tone that came flowing from his throat was initiated by thoughts of lonliness and boredem. If ever he had a chance for another I wouldn't hear anything at all, and our conversations would be silence.

Sometimes I wonder that with all the knowledge we have, and all the statistics of relationships...why bother?
"It is better to be wounded than to always walk in armor" <--- who could ever tell which is better??

I'm Glad I didn't Know- The Way It All Would End, The Way It All Would Go...

Even if I found a road sign counting down the miles to the home I hold steadily in my mind, It would be as useful as direction in a foreign country. Nothing looks familiar- I don't know where I am.
I don't have any idea what it is that I am doing with myself, but I'm most certain that this isn't where I ought to be.

It's a learning experience, to say the least. Though I'm almost 100% percent positive that at my age I'm going to make the same mistakes twice. I'm going to allow someone to walk into my life and body like it's a free ride and I can already picture being "that girl" agian.

I shouldn't have allowed all that's gone on so far with Mike. I don't care the reasons, excuses, or misfortune- It's so wrong to me. When I heard his voice suddenly cut out by a girl taking the phone to tell me how busy he is...that's all I needed to know. It's now been added to the "Rudest Things Done To Sarah" list. And he called back apologizing through (I'm guessing here) stumbles, blurry vision, and slurrs. If I said that alcohol doesn't make you do stupid things, I'd be lying, but I'm not going to let it slide as if to say that it's okay.

I just now got off the phone with Brian (I know, us kids call each other at all hours of the night) and I'm telling him that I'm not going to be the girl that everyone looks down upon. Because we all know that the guy never gets blamed and it's the girl who appears to be a slut from any angle. But as I'm promising him that this isn't who I am, I can honestly see it happening agian! Am I truly that weak of a person that I can't stop thinking about myself for one minute and say no? Apparently so.
Agian, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm going agianst everything I stand for in being unfaithful not only to his relationship with another woman, but to myself. Unfaithful to myself by simply driving my car to his house because I know damn well that it can never be just a movie to watch, or Christmas gifts to exchange. And more tears plunge as I remember how ashamed I was at a role model and people around the world taking part in something I see to be so disgusting and demeaning to love. Affairs are a product of this corrupted society and blindly I thought that I would be able to represent a minority of those who wish to remain true to something they believe in. I'm just like the rest of them, always wanting more.

Not enough hours in the rest of this night taking a shower, could relieve my discomfort or feeling of filth. Everything I have done since the moment we turned our backs to leave not only each other but a life style I had grown attatched to- screams whore. Am I that disoriented over a relationship that I feel like giving myself over and over, to someone else would be a sign that I'm careless? Sleeping with guys, leading them on, and making them feel something that isn't there, only intensifies my dissatisfaction and brings me down further. To think that my weak attempts to try and show myself that I can do more and better were the very reasons that brought me so low.

Atleast I'm strong enough though, to look in the mirror and notice the slut I've been and wish desperately for a change.
I'm not at the point of no return though, I can still remember each face and count the ones that had me on one hand. But anymore and I'll need my toes.
(But it's not just that, because hitting a home run on the first night is a clear sign that it couldn't possibly be serious. It's not doing it,only kissing, and spending time together that really gets to a peron's heart. I shouldn't be doing that with a heart of stone.)

A thousand tiny ants will be exposed from under a log in my child like search for you...
Where are you?

I Walk Alone- I Walk Alone

If I were to tell him that there were no malicious intent behind my skill…I’d be lying. Standing there, watching his eyes fall to the ground at the mercy of my touch drew a grin upon my face. I’m sure he scowled with dissatisfaction before he fell asleep, how could he not? It’s the very reason why we didn’t go into that room…because she was in there. I think it would have been thrilling for me to look over and see her smiling at us through the glass of a frame, but he might see it otherwise. In the living room her face was too high up on a shelf, and that smile couldn’t reach us on the floor. He was safe down there from her innocent eyes staring ironically with pleasure...

If I tell him before hand that it’s so much more than just the thirty seconds of bliss, he’ll revert back to the days when he loved me and I was the girl who was willing to put my life on hold to wait and see if later I could feel that love too. Being together like that takes us to a time of comfort and in his eyes he’s still making love to the girl who wants to be underneath his body in love too.

I don’t think either of us contemplates what it is we are doing, until after the fact while we peice back together our appearance that lies scattered about the floor. It isn’t until after we look at the mess of blankets and clothes that are eyes meet and simultaneously words like “adultery” and “unfaithful” come to our mind. But I leave too soon after that for us to talk it over and come to a consensus, that way I know I have the chance at it again.

Someone (the one I least expected) asked me just how many boyfriends do I have? Well I'm not one to boast (all the time) so I toned it down a bit so not to seem as though I'm lying to get back at him or some other 8th grade revenge trick. If you want to use the term "boyfriend"...possibly one. But I just wanted to appear more...monogomous! But boyfriend is so restricting therefore I have none. Who wants a boyfriend anyways? But I have (names changed):

"Thickster" <---whom I can get any time I want whether it be simply a booty call or a husband, he's mine.

"My cross country loves" (2) sometimes 3 when the third one isn't pissed off at me for not believing in the impossibilities of love. Those that touched my heart so deeply we still consider each other a part of our daily lives.

"Gainesville" for lack of better terms, this person remains to bring back my first experiences in Gainesville. My first orgasm and steady sex life, as well as a representation of "Mr. Perfect...For Some Other Girl". (the above described would be him)

"Boy Next Door"- in love with him since 8th grade...he's my Dawson. One day I can see it, but not unless I move back home.

"Cowboy"(BF)...where do I begin? If anyone would stand for something a little more than nothing in my life today- reluctantly I'd point to him. It's like, I wasn't ready for it, nor was I looking for it so now I'm confused if I want it. He reminds me of junk food--> Eating it is so pleasurable but you know the affects and choose diet food, and back and forth forever. It's a cycle of love/hate. (not exactly love or hate though) I go from one extreme to the next with him

And then there's you. You, whose eyes will most likely never look at these words to know that even though your not mine today or tomorrow, it's still there in the back of my mind. I still see the water over the bridge and can hear you say, "pretty huh?" while I agree without any regard what so ever of the water you were referring to. My vision of pretty and yours seemed to differ- a beautiful let down.

When You Answer The Door, Pick Up The Phone, You Won't Find Me Cause I'm Not Comin' Home...

I suppose if anyone thought that I wouldn't go back to that lifestyle, they haven't been hurting quite like this.

Lex and I spoke awhile last night, three hours to be exact, and it wasn't until then that I realized I still wasn't over Alex. (Ew Sarah get over it!)

It's always in the far back corner of my mind, but with all the craze each new days brings- it seems to be pushed aside for another more quiet time.

I'm a walking contradiction these days due to unexpected heartache and confusion- but that doesn't stop me from trying to figure it out aloud. I will find myself on the side of enjoyment in regards to talking to many people and involving myself without attatchment, and then after that I think in my mind,

"No, I'm not happy I'm just coping because it's all I can have"

I am so unbalanced right now to the point where all I do is circle around my undeveloped ideas I claim true to its entirety. I don't know anything besides the fact that to them, and to you, I'm perceived as the same girl who bounces back from anything with a smile and a new poem describing the awful situation.
---------

Gone are the days when I was putting my heart up agianst his to see if they paired nicely together

It only gave a half ass performace of pretending to care with words that would later be contradicted by neglect

So it's no suprise that I'm really attracted to the idea that all of this, and last night, is just

Sex

in a bed that knows not one person for longer than an hour, because the mere fact of falling asleep together involves a subconscious attatchment

So even if by chance you, pulling my legs out of jeans this very moment, are the Mr. Right...

They told me monogomy was
not the way to be

Broken Relationships and Rejection...

do you believe that the above statements were mentioned at church tonight?

I think it was solely for the purpose of making the healing process extremely difficult. Is it not ironic how when two people split- their entire environment becomes a bitter reminder of the past?
Suddenly, all those inside jokes,songs,places, and connections that brought the two of you together that were never really emphasized are now right up in your face.

Went out to lunch yesterday with the cousins and ate at David's restaurant where he and all his friends work. Our server was cute enough to look twice at and I expressed that with racy comments and a smile.

David: "Sarah, this is ALEX, alex this is sarah"
(big sigh, long eyelid blink)
Me: "So nice to meet you...alex!"

What are the odds?

I'm not mentally ready to be talking to someone else or even involving myself with anyone. And I am...everyday. How is it that men always come into my life regardless of my present situation? I was totally excited about not meeting anyone or being interested in someone particular...but it seems I'm in a trap. I enjoy talking to Mike a lot, but I know what type of person he is. I can't be driving to Orlando every weekend for nothing. It's really bad timing, and he doesn't even know what he wants. <---red flag for sure!!

Christmas? What? Where? I don't feel it in my heart this year, I don't get that feeling when I walk downtown with the crisp wind in my face as I stare at the lights on shops. That's by far the most gleeful (for lack of better, or less corny words...!!) part of Christmas for me. To see Christmas not only a private ritual amongst families nation wide, but a community thing that generally brightens the faces of many.
I don't feel it this year, I think I'm taking on the role of Scrooge this year? I don't mean to be

Another Love Grows Cold On The Sleepless Night

I guess it's an impressively positive fact that I'm not head over heels with Mike, nor do I have all these wonderful plans or extravagant expectations.
I won't lie- I toyed around with the slight idea that maybe going to Orlando and ditching my date with Abercrombie was a sign of fate; destiny at work how I just randomly picked Mike to mingle with.

But then it was the situation in which we found ourselves in not too long after meeting, that pops the dream filled cloud above my head, and reminds me that this isn't ordinary. It's all too scandelous to believe that, "I can change him" or "This time around will be different, because I'm such a catch".

I've rarely heard of those optimistic women work out a healthy relationship with bad boys. They are just too bad.

Which is why I'm not in the slightest bit suprised that when Mike told me to call him later- he didn't pick up. Why would he? He's home with his friends...going out. I know exactly what home means. Because to me, going home to Dunedin from Jacksonville means going crazy! I have fun, and call up old flames to get back to the places we used to be (if you know what I mean).

It's 4:30am and all I can remember are those nights similar (not identical) to this one. Before it was him who I adored with all of my 17 year old heart, he who swore he'd come over, and he who never showed up nor called...all night long. That was devastating to me, to be let down after putting my feelings in an envelope, sealing it and soon after, hand delivering it to him. I went through so much hell just by the fact that though they were never there for me in any way. I can recall falling asleep with the phone on high volume underneath my pillow so that in case he did finally call, there would be no way I'd miss it. But the mornings were a dispointing ritual as I slipped my hand underneath the pillow to find a phone just as it was when I fell asleep:
blank with no missed calls.

Hey now, relax over there cause I'm certainly not implying that this whole Mike ordeal is tearing me up inside...at all. It only reminds me of them and reaffirms my suspicions of Mike. In my eyes, a genuine guy would call back or even more simple: ANSWER.
[Um...I'm like a strict teacher when it comes to missed calls. In comparison to missed class, I don't accept it and I deduct a letter grade unless valid documentation is shown...end of story]

My how these discouraging thoughts could have been avoided if he didn't ask me to call. Seems odd though, I must admit that if a real asshole wanted to play a girl he wouldn't ask her to call later, he'd just say tomorrow. That way she wouldn't call and there wouldn't be doubt in her mind...
Hmmm, what of that?
[WHO CARES...IT'S TRASH]

Don't Mind Me If I Start That Trashy Talk-

The phone calls and text messages...don't end. I haven't gotten off the phone with him once, without the reassurance of the next time I will talk to him <---and it's never very long between the calls.

Don't misconstrue(sp?) the above statements and think that I'm overwhelmed to a point of dissatisfaction. Because I'm not. The whole situation gives me somewhat of a "comfort zone" type feeling (term credited to Big T). It makes me happy to think that someone, though very far away, is constantly thinking of me. I will admit with a little blushing that I'm the type of person now who feels that long distance is...almost wasteful. (Be wary of my "almost" because there are no doubt certain exceptions) So if I, being a hopeless romantic, find long distance love to be silly...what does that say about Mike who incessantly keeps in touch?

I'm not trying to weed out little signs and twist them into some plot of destiny...I just think that his desire to keep me in his life and plan on me isn't something to ignore.

Even if we were completely honest with eachother, I wouldn't know what to say about what I wanted from him. There isn't anything more right now that I want (except maybe an Abercrombie shopping spree) than to be with someone knowing that it's going somewhere. How do people find that? How do you know that the person your with will be on the same page as you...forever? I'm not looking for forever (could that be a lie told out of embarassment??), but it would be nice to find something a little more than a few dates.

Hey I even answered his call last night when I was out...weird! I only answer calls from guys that I really like- otherwise it's nothin' but the "silent" key on your ass. He ought to feel special

Everyone Is A Label In This World...

It doesn't really matter how nice of a girl I am, or how "innocent" or "timid" I come off to be. Layering clothes like sweaters and button-downs to acheive a desired look means nothing when at the end of the night they are tossed in a bundle beside someone's bed.

I guess I'm back to being that girl agian.

Never been quite like this though, lying there with no regard for my dignity remembering first where I feel asleep last night (in another's arms) and now here I am seeking that same comfort with him just a few hours later.

Malicious could be best described as I grin slightly amidst the gasps and moans to notice how weak this person has become in my company. Scratching at his body and leaning down agianst his to get the best sensation possible, I catch glimpse of her face frozen in a picture frame set beside us. I'm looking at his girlfriend while he's kissing my neck and wondering how sick she would be if she knew that she was close enough to us that I could look into those eyes while still moving on top of him. In a sense, she watched it all yet she's off somewhere smiling the same smile I'm looking at now because she thinks that her boyfriend is doing the same about her- not helpless to the guilty pleasure we are embracing...together.

Cheeck To Cheeck, The Lights Are Low, A Kiss Beneath The Mistle Toe
Your Face Lit By The Fire's Glow- That's All I Want Tonight....

It's been awhile since I drove out of town for someone. (Alex doesn't count- we lived in the same town) It reminded me of Jeremy when I used to skip Friday and drive up to Gainesville with my pup Jayden.

I won't sugar coat the situation and say that it felt perfect and the whole night was completely magical. I wasn't warmed up to him by the time we were ready to "fall asleep" but it was obvious in both our minds that it was going to happen, it was just a matter of when...? Last time I was in that bed I had about 7 shots of relaxation which made me a little less aware of my surroundings and emotions. The first round was almost as akward as sleeping with Alex. Call me every name as minor as rude to the extreme of whore, but sex is about a connection between two people. (Me and Alex never had that, I'm positive I'm not the only one who felt it) It's not that we didn't connect, it was just odd and we took our own clothes off and then there was a monthly mishap that put a stop to it all as a whole.

Came back though with my master plan of not fully clothing myself before cuddeling. My back was turned agianst his chest and I was in heaven when he started to kiss my back and rub my body with a combination of force and gentle ease.

Gentleman! You want a lady to put out but she just wants to cuddle? Just make your way into "massaging" her back and throw in some sensual kisses and caresses and it's a garunteed panty dropper. Casually show her what she could have and her imagination will do the rest! (Money back if your not satisfied!!)

Oh I could have stayed in that position rocking slightly with bliss if it wasn't for my dirty mouth. I don't know where I got the guts say such things aloud, or draw his fingers inside my mouth to get a better feel on that certain spot...but I felt like a champ for sure. And you know there are girls like me that are so shy that they just let those kinky thoughts dwell in the back of their mind, but it just makes performance and lust so much more intense that it's worth it! Girls! We know what drives them wild but we don't do it and hold back...why? Just go ahead and run your own fingers down there for once (don't hide under the covers...defeats the purpose of arousal) and the reactions are so self gratifying that the shyness just fades away.

So yeah, that's what I learned and to be honest I'm so excited for my little sex life to grow up! Definatly going back for more on Saturday and Sunday...how great would a whole day designated to sex be? (pretty damn good) The best and most wonderful part of it all is that I don't feel the urge to attatch myself just yet. Ofcourse in my perfect fairy tale world we would fall in love and I could finally put a guy on the blank face. (Imagine your wedding day dancing the first song as a married couple..that's the imaginary face we all want to reveal. If you put a name on that guy and imagine someone you are with...it's love!)

I don't think that a relationship is in his mind. Though I get these comments and conversations that point in that direction...I'm skeptical and on guard.
He runs a good game and
He's smooth as hell.
We gotta be wary of those.

...To Watch The Storm With All It's Wonder...Ragin' In Her Lover's Eyes...

It could be, so perhaps caution is recommended, that I'm just lonely. It could be that the desperate wishes for a happy ending are just a mere product of my new environment. That environment consisting solely of "filler" activities (we already talked about my idea of "fillers") and snuggleing with the dog (and only the dog) at night. It's a first but I'm already cheating at the whole let's-play-single-game. I'm not supposed to keep interest for more than a night and it is certainly agianst the rules to talk for hours on end!

Well, being a believer in the impossible, I'd like to say that it's not just behaviorism and I do actually find myself in the likes of Mike.

Though I'm not one to hold grudges, I do however remember instances that hurt my heart (not terribly) and from there take the necessary precautions to protect my feelings. I'm not going to discard the idea of getting to know Mike, however I'm not going to play "Jason's Fool" agian. (That's what I'm going to call it from now on because there is no worse example that best compares the hell I went through)

I can already see where this is going. I woke up this morning and I thought about him,(Red Flag number one) and then I wondered if he was thinking of me (Red Flag number two), and then coincidentally I had a text message and I got excited because I knew it was him which means he was thinking of me (Red Flag number three).

Judging by those little mishaps (as minor as they may seem) I will not, wait around and wonder for too long about a yes or no answer. Yes being there's more to it than the obvious, no being it's just the obvious.

I'm accepting either one at the moment

This Is Love- Make It Hurt

Saturday mornings are set-aside for those who drive themselves delirious with duties during the week, and deserve the extra sleep.
Resting late wasn’t an option this particular Saturday,
Reminders of last night’s regretful events lingered under my comforter.

Took a hot shower to try and rinse off the mistakes from my body
Mission failed:
I can still smell the cologne as if it were fresh on my naked shoulders
And the taste of his salt and martini on my lips still causes salivation.

I suppose I’ll drench myself longer in steaming water till my skin turns red with anger, and scrub really hard

Hard like it was to lie to that martini drinker and say that I’m holding up just fine with the separation
And I’ve actually been dieting-
Not starving myself because that seems to be the only thing I can control.

Even harder to hear the dog barking this morning as if there were an intruder
And not wish that when I walk out from my shower it were you who will greet me with a comforting smile as if to say that my night was understandable.

But cautiously tiptoeing towards the window to see what the commotion is,
My heart falls along my back to the floor like the water from my hair
As I notice it’s just the early joggers

yes this is an edited version of 12/4 post (i think that the right date "try to walk away and I stumble)

She's Just Not Into It

Smooth wouldn't be the first word that came to mind when we first saw each other agian (for the first time since it happened). The air was dry, our movements stiff, and conversations seemed to stumble and trip over eachother. I think I heard, "What's new" at least three times as if he was expecting to hear something different-
like buying three different boxes of cracker jacks hoping for different prizes.

His high regard for himself slipped my mind until I found several pictures of himself that he was sending to a modeling agency. I wouldn't tell him, but he looked damn good enough to be inside one of my magazines. You have to know how to handle guys that think they are so Godly that women just fall to the ground with desire. You can't let him think you care or are in any way interested in seeing his body on top of yours. But I didn't have to, he just assumed it and off goes his shirt as I'm going to surrendor to his game.

"Very nice," I say nonchalantly as I look the other way and completely change the subject. It was then that I realized that this entire night was just an attempt at recreating the last time we were together. The last time was just a fluke because I was trying to do what Jason did to me. But I was only infatuated with Jason and I was mentally able to do such things to him. For some reason I couldn't do it last night...all the other times I was blitzed out of my mind. I guess alcohol really does impair your judgement (but I have no regrets).

The second his hand pushed open my legs and I felt his fingertips run along the outside of my underwear, my heart sank. Being behind him, I felt his heart race as if throughout the 23 years of his life he had never done it before. But I found his weakness and realized that sometimes those type of guys aren't always as tough as they make themselves out to be.

I was fine without thinking of Alex (I was actually daydreaming about Mike) until he tried to EAT MY HAIR. I looked at him (almost in tears) like, "What are you doing!? Are you trying to eat my hair?" (Alex used to do that...didn't think anyone else liked to play around like that)

The mood was ruined with reminders of Alex's voice and images of me struggeling agianst him with laughter. When will I ever get over this?
(Maybe on Thursday when my head hits Mike's bed)

About That...

Briefly speaking, it was a fiasco with Mike and Jessika. Not only do I not exactly care for Jessika, but she waltzes in on me and Mike gets in the bed and plainly states her desire to have sex. Off goes the clothes and there she is waiting for something magical to happen between the THREE of us.

Mike apparently thinks that's what I wanted because I didn't say anything and I said something like "go ahead" or whatever (I don't remember that). Well next thing I know the two of them are together and I'm walking out the door to find the girls and his roommate talking on the couch. I'm still putting back on my clothes with a scowl while they are asking me questions like, "What happened, what's wrong?"

They were more pissed of than I was just because I don't want any drama and it's not like Mike is my boyfriend or anything. They come out and I'm laying on the couch facing the wall and Erin is saying nasty comments to Mike while I can feel his embarassment.

M: I'm goin to bed
E: Why don't you take ANOTHER girl in there with you huh?

At that I drew the line and said that it's no big deal everyone just go to sleep it's 4am. He came over to me and asked to talk (why I don't know). I agreed and was so suprised at the manner in which he was speaking to me and the way his body language was. I honestly felt like I was in a situation where he was my boyfriend and he cheated on me! He was so upset about it, and I just said it was okay and when I hugged him he held me so tight and kissed my head as if he had done me so wrong for the first time.

I was impressed that he actually wanted to talk to me about it and so I didn't want to make him feel bad so I let him cuddle with me until we fell asleep. But now I actually think he's cool and we are gonna hang out. I don't know that it's going to be anything serious because he's in Orlando and he travels a lot (also that he hooked up with me on the first night so why wouldn't he do it agian?).

If he wanted to though, I definatly would in a heart beat. Alex doesn't even cross my mind when I'm with him...and that's the first guy that could do that for me since we broke up.

Two People Made To Be Together; Two Lovers Dreaming Of Forever...

Try as I might to ignore it, the temporary comfort of arms around mine for only a night is no doubt disapointing. It doesn't matter how many times I brag that this life, this one right here, is fulfilled as much as it could right now.

Nights like these are like eating diet food:

At first it's really great and you wonder, "Why haven't I always done this?" But the taste takes your satisfaction to a certain point and then your left wondering, waititng about that key ingredient that completes you.

All it took was the second time my head hit the pillow (though I'll never tell you, or anyone else I find myself falling asleep next to)to honestly wish the night would last forever. I even hoped that the next morning would find us both with newfound realizations and we would lay there all day without regard for the rest of the world. I wish I knew why...?

It's a mental struggle for someone with the mind set and heart I have to continue involving myself with person after person while still lacking that which every person needs:
Someone to go home to and always hear that, "It will be okay and somebody out there is loving you".

Consistency

Well they say eventually that person will come and until then have as much fun as possible...but they are fools and most likely grew up in the days where divorce wasn't an option and unhappiness was disregarded. (I'm sure I'm just being bitter)

(though I am having a lot of fun, in the back of my mind I'm waiting...)

I Don't Want To Light A Fire- Unless It Will Warm Your Heart...

I think it's just the way the holiday season is so hyped up for love and togetherness that brings single folk like me down. (I'll have a blue Christmas without you) But whatever I'll just have my "togetherness" with every guy I see.

Went to the mall with Jenn today and though I had a sure fire plan to start on that
"togetherness" idea, I decided I'm going out tonight. I know it's odd for me to turn down such a garunteed offer to play that game where everyone wins (haha), but I think it will be fun to go out with Jenn. We are driving to Orlando (she forgot to turn in her key or something) and then going out to Cowboys (like Round Up) with her friends. That sounds more fun when I can get the D at the snap of my finger anyways (knock on wood for me)!!

I missed him agian and that notion of being helpless for almost the first time in a relationship crept into my bed. I haven't gotten upset over it since last Sunday, but it was the alcohol that initiated the thoughts and then absence brought on the tears. I think it's a desperate feeling that nobody should have to go through. But it's the shitty things in life that take us to a different place with new expectations and knowledge.

Now I realize that I'm college and there are no expectations and it's common knowledge to GO BIG (it only happens once).

Just Give Me The Night

Truthfully it was the alcohol, it was the week, and it was most definatly the imagination that put me there...all night.

Being drunk is like the ultimate, and probably most understandable justification for mistakes or random acts of craziness that I know of. Considering all it really takes is for someone to put a drink in front of me and I'm tipsy and once I take a sip I'm wasted with my inhibitions out the door. (exaggeration used for humor) I wasn't stupid last night but I was having fun, fun enough to forget about everything until I realized the situation at hand

For the past two weeks my agenda, though seemingly fulfilled with options, has been empty. I can't get used to this whole, not knowing/calling/responding/initiating/seeing/hearing/touching Alex. I can't understand why when I hear someone speak his name, or catch drift of that certain military branch, it's no longer linked to me. I guess it's just the idea that what I had isn't mine anymore and there isn't much I can do except fill the days with other people and act like I'm fine with it. Which leads us to the obvious notion that despite these activities Ionliness still enropes my heart...

So why wouldn't I creatively imagine every scandelous thing that could happen? I don't have anyone else to think about (for the time being that is...) or keep in mind to prohibit those ideas. I think it was just temptation at sight and then I needed to color in the rough sketches in my mind when my head hit the pillow and I knew how good it would feel to fall asleep afterwards.

So I decided to color my little picture book for about 4 hours...which would make that story a good 10 pages long. Think I'll flip back through it since I'll be sleeping in an empty bed tonight

What is that somethin to seal the deal? Dude I already agreed stop suckin' up 

I DON'T NEED ALCOHOL TO MAKE OUT (or anything else along those lines...) 

"Your hair smells good, want some dick?" 

Hildy, Sarah, and Danielle  

Are we drunk? 

Cute as hell 

Watch The Sunrise Say Your Goodybyes, Off We Go

We had our brief conversation with the absence of contemplation and It was I who hit the road. It's crazy how cities and streets change from one portion of our life to the next. I thought my life was marked by green road signs pointing in his direction; counting down the miles. But now I drive blind with the comfort of stop lights to be very few and far.

I'm out in the middle of nowhere.
....................

Today is of little importance or productivity. Ventured out into the college world around 8:30am to find that not only did I not study for my math exam, but I didn't do the homework or bring a calculator. (Your killin' me darling, It could have been any other time but exams week)

Heading out to the chiropracter in a few and thankfully have been invited to go out tonight. I think I'll make alcohol and the affects of time my new best friends and hope to God that it will aid in the dissinigration of his existence. (Yeah I know...that's ridiculous)

Thursday should be a totally fun day. Hoping to wake up late and get my car pretty much packed for home (Oh the joy it brings me to LEAVE Jacksonville). Need to sell some books for crack- I mean gas money on my way out of Jville.

Planning to look exceptionally hot on Friday because mom is having a huge party with her coworkers and it just so happens that there will be Jeremy's young friends and whereas I'll cope with flirting and doing the eye contact thing...I'd prefer to get a number that rings to the tune of, "Let's get it on". (joking...)

Serious time: No sex for Sarah for a long time. I know I know, I feel that same devastating feelin creep into my stomach too when we really think about what that means. But I'm not emotionally ready to give myself like that anymore. Trust me, one night stands are great (and if faced with the option I don't know how strong I'd be to firmly decline. No means yes right?) but it gets old and giving someone else that which is supposed to be important can really seep into your head to initiate those guilty thoughts.
Having sex with my boyfriends was retarded (Excpet 2) and I'll be damned if I ever have sex with a boyfriend just, "because its what boyfriend and girlfriend do".

I Think Your Missing The Point

It seems easy right, to transition smoothly from the many phases in our lives that make up who we are...?

Defining what I was actually doing is trivial but the important idea being that I was alone. It didn't matter the number of calls from guys I was receiving(not dialing) or the hours accumulating spent getting ready for a date...all that is useless when your single. I went home (most of the time) to an empty bed that was free of any intimate memories or romantic, intellectual conversations. Isolation is just the subtraction of attatchment from a relationship.

It's just that I went from one extreme to the next and found that attatching myself to him was potential poison.

Relationships with attatchments believe that the small things in life (even big ones too) could never leave. How could my car not be parked next to his? It's not possible for anyone else's tooth brush to criss cross agianst his. It's a belief from our heart that that particular smile, the one he does when he's feeling playful, could never be reproduced for anyone else.

One morning you wake to find that your car is lookin' lonely and it's more possible than ever that he's doing that smile and laughing with the "newness" of another relationship.

How do we accept that without going insane? How can we look at food or anything pleasurable in the same lustful way...without that person?

How can I walk into someone's house and mingle with people with the new option of having sex with anyone I might want, when just last week I'd never dream of it. But I took a form of that option to see what it would do and realized that it's a disturbingly odd emotion:

*Kissing is out; nobody's lips will ever compare or give me that feeling in my stomach

*Touching is pointless; comparing becomes an issue when you wonder, "Well so and so never did that, and I liked it this way when we did this"

*Talking seems like a filler; "fillers" as I like to call them, are like the unnecessary foods at a restaurant. The stuff they just give you so you will get so full and you really probably shouldn't have eaten it. (bread before meal, etc) It wasn't necessary because now your just uncomfortable with the fact that number one, it's a different voice, number two it's a topic your unaccustomed to, and number three, your not talking to that special person.

*Plans are empty; Oh yeah sure, we can elaborate all we want on what a magnificent time we are having...but lying has become a second nature, even a virtue for our society.
........................................................................
I made Alex my environment and hid behind a boyfriend thinking I could justify my life here in Jacksonville with him. I feel out of place in Jacksonville and I assumed if I clinged to Alex then that was the only place I need to feel comfort...right? Well I failed that test because I'm discovering the difficult way that I have to get myself situated in my new environment before I go off looking for someone I can call Mr. Right.

I think being here made me realize that I'm missing the point of not only breaking up, but moving to Jacksonville in general.

Drunk as F....(you get the idea)

So wasted, I didn't even "Remember my name". You know your drunk when you wake up the next morning with the spins and would be eligible for a DUI even 12 hours after drinking.

Lisette took my to her boyfriend's apartment and I just decided to get beligerant (sp). We have never gone out together so we had a lot of fun. Some girls that were at UNF over the summer were there and I had fun. It was an early nite (12:00am) but I was up so late.

I remember a few drunk dials, but apparently I forgot a few.

I got a call today from a, "Brian My Love"...? (Last I remembered I didn't have a Brian in my phone) I guess I got his number (it's one of my boyfriends from Washington State) and we were talking for like 30 minutes. When I heard his voice I remembered that I talked to him and started laughing. I asked him how drunk did I sound:

Me: "Brian! We are going to get married!"

B: "Really Sarah..."

Me: "I think I love you and I think that It was stupid of me to break up with you...hey remember when you pushed me in the river..."
(I think I got emotional and offended when I thought about it)

B: "Yeah that was my way of flirting in 11th grade but I've gotten better I promise"

My friend a few doors down said I was yelling down the hall that, "I don't like to drunk drive, i mean drive drunk, but I did" I wasn't fine to drive but I really wanted to get home. I didn't get sick either I just talked on the phone till I passed out and couldn't think anymore. I remember getting a little discouraged but I fell asleep before I could think too hard about wanting someone to hold me.

For a split second I was so tanked and almost denied giving out my number because I thought that I was in a relationship, but then I remembered and gave it to him. I'm not interested but why go through the ackward situation of rejecting someone?

SAILIN' WITH THE CAPTAIN 

Sarah (wasted) and Lisette 

Treading Water

Not going to make it a habit, but I guess I'm going to actually go somewhere tonight. I just can't sit in that room for a second without suffocating in despair. I was good last night(after one mishap but I recovered like no other!) so I don't want to ruin my positive streak.

It was like a Sunday sermon. Only not too christian like, and the lesson was discovered after the sin.

I was so into it at first, and I was under the impression that I could honestly be in that room and give as much, if not more, than I was getting. The getting was great and then it's the fact that I have to do to another person, that is the opposite of what I want. I'm ashamed

Well "Never Agian" is the attitude we left the room with and even though that's what came out our mouths and hearts...I think that if given the opportunity agian he'd seriously consider and may not decline. Might take some swindeling and provacative suggestions, but I'm confident I can do it. (Mark my words I won't)

Try To Walk Away And I Stumble

Couldn't sleep late this morning with the remembrance of those regretful

events lingering under my comforter

Took a hot shower to try and wash away

my mistakes from last night

Mission Failed:

I can still smell the cologne as if it were fresh on my naked shoulder

I guess I'll drench myself longer in steaming water

and scrub really hard

Hard like it was to lie and say that I've been dieting since I last saw you

Not starving myself because that seems to be the only thing

I can control

Even harder to hear Lucy barking as if there were an intruder

And not wish that when I walk out in my towel it's

you

That's the most impossible dream I've ever honestly wanted...

I don't even get little promises fulfilled let alone setting up a

Deus Es Machina* moment

Deus Es Machina*- A point in a movie/story where it seems like all hope is lost, and then, oh my gosh...he's come back to rescue her and they live happily ever after

(by the way the no spaces isn't my fault, something is wrong with my template)

Have Me As You Will, I'll Take What I Can Get

So this is me huh?

Walking the streets with a tune in my head instead of your

Name...?

Dancing to music in my car with girls that believe me when I comically play on that,

"I'm enduring with ease"

Wondering behind the facad with anticipation when will I get out of this

Skin...?

Nobody wants to lie naked in a cold room without an

Exit

But here I am with my new smiles and duties of the day that don't include

You

Wondering withdread when will I be released of this

Skin...?

It's the discomfort that rocks the body back and forth with

Disgust

Wanting to take a break from the impossible

Daydreams (that plague the mind even in its resting hours)

Reason behind this simply stated: that I made the odd mistake

of

putting a name on my imaginary man that waits for me (down my white line-

and you should never put a name to that which is so uncertain)

Who even knows what all that means I just know that the way I feel now is revolting to me. How is it possible to be so enthralled with someone (where absence brings shivers)? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm so depressed at the moment because for once since Tuesday my body is at rest. I don't have to sit down and watch the clock for my next go round...and now it's all around me. I'm all alone and misery loves company.

I'd have to say that I'm border-line genuis though for planning this weekend...and one the most unlucky human beings I've ever laid eyes on. Naturally, my Saturday lunch with an old friend was canceled by some excuse I almost didn't believe. It doesn't matter the scenario, always in the back of my mind I have that sense that it's just not going to go my way.

But by month 2 I was guessing (miscalculating I should say) that I would have had it by now.

3'S A CHARM

I talked to my sister tonight,

HER: "Oh my goodness Sarah...I've never heard your voice like that..."

('nope not even Snipper, Huard, or Hunt could make you sound like that')

::Wails...sobbs...you name it I moaned it::

HER: "Why Sarah, ('can you first put a name to what it is that your so devastated about?') you are so much stronger than this...it's YOU who turns men into the puddle you are now"

I guess she didn't get the memo...? I definatly sent her one but if I had to repeat it agian I most certainly would have to:

ME: "I can't be that person ever agian...someone enraged my heart of stone"

Hey, I give you snaps Alex for taking the Sarah Price 6 months ago and turning her into this. At least I got to feel something...even now I suppose. I can't really pragmatize this whole, "its better to have love and lost then to never love at all" <--- you can't test that because those who never loved don't know the experience and can't testify to both feelings. But still I feel different about myself now that I've been an emotional wreck. (You broke my cherry...or something?)

HER: "Maybe he's going through a phase...you guys seemed like you were happy right?"

A phase? I've heard that so many times, I've even been told to SIT THROUGH IT and WAIT because it will be over soon. I'm a skeptic on phases...I generally don't just want to leave for awhile and then later want to come back. If you want to know the truth behind phases (in regards to a relationship), it's really just a point where someone re-evaluates their relationship and wonders what their old life would do for them now? So you go get your freak on with everyone and remember that the aesthetic lifestyle's downside is DESPAIR/LONELINESS/EMPTINESS....and then but only then do you go back to that person

Happy? Happy is privation...it's not real, it's just LACK OF SADNESS. Besides I'm starting to think more that our behavior is a product of our environment anyways...he only acted that way because at the time I was the girlfriend and what do boyfriends do?

HER: "You never know...maybe he misses you too and he will realize he wants to be with you too"

Anthropic principle states that given INFINITE time...anything is possible. But first of all does it look like we have that kind of time, and second of all like I'm going to wait for a miracle that won't happen.

Miracles don't even exist...the evidence agianst them outweighs the evidence for them...

But I wouldn't argue with the missing thing...I miss people that I broke up with. I still remember that at one point they meant something to me and people shouldn't throw each other away like disposable cameras or something? He could miss me all he wanted but it wouldn't change his mind...and if he had so much of that dearness in his heart to begin with he wouldn't make it worse with termination...agreed?

(My new passion is poetic/prose philosophy... thanks Altieri!!!)

Nothing New:

*Rhonda and Jeff took my sorry ass to sushi tonight

*tomorrow we are going shopping (thank God...).

*Might try to visit my friend in the hospital tomorrow night...but what an effing drive

*The infamous "shower girls" no longer chit chat with me after our nothing short of adventure of figuring out WHO WERE THE 2 GIRLS IN THE SAME SHOWER? (and im sure my note 'AINT NO SHAME LADIES DO YOUR THANG' on their door didnt help...that was a bitchy move huh?)

*My bestest cheerleader(I heart you ReeRee) in the world has cervical cancer at age 18...PRAY FOR HER

*My prom date is getting MARRIED to his HS Sweetheart!!!!!! (WTF is this world coming to?) IM THE FLOWER GIRL...but I will settle with the ring bearer if I absolutely have to

*Currently OFF THE MARKET for the next year, according to Jeff. However I will be accepting dates at this time but there is no intimacy or committment permitted.

*And I'm sad today without you...no not you...YOU!

Nothing Compares...

Him: " To me, if I was in your sitiuation Sarah, I would get right back out there and go crazy"

His Friend: "Yeah but when you fall in love, you need to feel that pain because it will surface sooner or later"

Him: " Why don't you just spend the night and we'll find out" (in more or less words)


Any other time and I wouldn't hesitate but it's different now. But everyone says I'm doing really good. Besides the whole entire eating thing (nothin but a peice of sausage and egg since monday...but I'm lookin' great) I haven't sat in my room once.

Let's set the scenario pretending I did sit around all week by myself:
Lay in my bed feeling sorry for myself while I listened to mopy music and looked at all our pictures.
But I have been diligently working and hanging out...NOT A SECOND ALONE

I took down everything about him on my walls
Papers with mine and his name surrounded by hearts (how 8th grade of me)
Erased pictures in phone
Erased text messages <---- hardest thing because every text is sweet

I switched numbers with an SAE (sigma alpha epsilon) guy today and played the flirty college girl as best as I could, but let's face it:

That's not me.
(I'm excited to talk to him but I'm just too heartbroken at the moment)

Objective Uncertainty


By definition the objective uncertainty is that which makes religion and love better because you put your faith in something unknown, but you trust it with your heart. Pretend for example, your wife/husband goes on a business trip and it just so happens that her highschool sweetheart will be there. You could either hire someone to follow her around and know for sure what she/he is doing, or you could trust that person and feel better in doing so. "A love with uncertainty is a better love"

WHAT THE FUCK?

I don't believe that the objective uncertainty makes love better...I think it ruins a relationship. (But I'm not one of those "external locusts of control") I'm not saying that it ruined my personal relationship(s) however, it played the biggest role in my stress level many times.

I suppose it's more relevant to mention now that I have allowed myself to love someone and feel the "sting" (as Jeff so cleverly states it) when things don't go my way. I guess I never thought about it before because I've only been upset over guys (at max) or had my feelings hurt (at min).

But...things are different now and I think that my ideal relationship will be one without the objective uncertainty (to a certain extent). I think reassurance and a knowledge of where each person stands is probably the most necessary(not to mention something I'm used to)...

I've never had a boyfriend I couldn't control(for lack of better words). I just mean that being with Alex was a bit of a sacrifice because things weren't exactly on my terms. I'm used to passing out a contract with rules and regulations!!!

However, I've been keeping myself extremely busy but the worst part of the day seems to come when I heard, "How are you and Alex?" I want to take that person and run their cheecks along the sidewalk and reply, "About as good as your face looks"

Tuesday was the worst...I met Mike at Starbucks and poured my heart out to him while he HIT ON ME! What kind of person hits on a girl who just got her heart broken? He asked me to spend the night and take a bubble bath...and he tried to kiss me. Ugh and maybe some vulnerable girl on the verge of insanity would fall for it and allow someone to take advantage of her like that- but not me. (Mike and I are just friends who study, I just have to keep reminding him that I guess. ) I then proceeded to find comfort in a friend from home who also, reminded me that I still had a place in his heart and once I got home I would be reminded. So I tried someone else, and he too, had nothing but nastiness for me. That just makes me feel even worse to listen to another guy talk to me like that and know in my heart that that is all I have.

Woe is me...

Not only that but I haven't been able to keep a meal down since MONDAY. My roommate says that she wishes some guy would tear her apart so she could lose some weight...women and their weight issues right?! This is terrible but if I have to find something good in it all I guess I would say not eating and losing some weight. I threw up after my dinner last night and that was the first thing I tried to eat...poked around some eggs and grits this morning before throwing it away with dissatisfaction.
I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD

I think that if I do what I could do tonight, and this weekend, I would regret it and be even worse than I am now.

D also says I shouldn't jump into a relationship with my highschool munchkin because it's way too soon and I need time to myself and to get over this. My mother says I should let my emotions out and "feel the burn"-I laughed and said "Mother I'm not at the gym"
But...

TODAY IS BETTER THAN YESTERDAY AND TOMMORROW WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY

Love is a cunt and I'll be damned if I ever do it agian