I'm Glad I didn't Know- The Way It All Would End, The Way It All Would Go...

Even if I found a road sign counting down the miles to the home I hold steadily in my mind, It would be as useful as direction in a foreign country. Nothing looks familiar- I don't know where I am.
I don't have any idea what it is that I am doing with myself, but I'm most certain that this isn't where I ought to be.

It's a learning experience, to say the least. Though I'm almost 100% percent positive that at my age I'm going to make the same mistakes twice. I'm going to allow someone to walk into my life and body like it's a free ride and I can already picture being "that girl" agian.

I shouldn't have allowed all that's gone on so far with Mike. I don't care the reasons, excuses, or misfortune- It's so wrong to me. When I heard his voice suddenly cut out by a girl taking the phone to tell me how busy he is...that's all I needed to know. It's now been added to the "Rudest Things Done To Sarah" list. And he called back apologizing through (I'm guessing here) stumbles, blurry vision, and slurrs. If I said that alcohol doesn't make you do stupid things, I'd be lying, but I'm not going to let it slide as if to say that it's okay.

I just now got off the phone with Brian (I know, us kids call each other at all hours of the night) and I'm telling him that I'm not going to be the girl that everyone looks down upon. Because we all know that the guy never gets blamed and it's the girl who appears to be a slut from any angle. But as I'm promising him that this isn't who I am, I can honestly see it happening agian! Am I truly that weak of a person that I can't stop thinking about myself for one minute and say no? Apparently so.
Agian, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm going agianst everything I stand for in being unfaithful not only to his relationship with another woman, but to myself. Unfaithful to myself by simply driving my car to his house because I know damn well that it can never be just a movie to watch, or Christmas gifts to exchange. And more tears plunge as I remember how ashamed I was at a role model and people around the world taking part in something I see to be so disgusting and demeaning to love. Affairs are a product of this corrupted society and blindly I thought that I would be able to represent a minority of those who wish to remain true to something they believe in. I'm just like the rest of them, always wanting more.

Not enough hours in the rest of this night taking a shower, could relieve my discomfort or feeling of filth. Everything I have done since the moment we turned our backs to leave not only each other but a life style I had grown attatched to- screams whore. Am I that disoriented over a relationship that I feel like giving myself over and over, to someone else would be a sign that I'm careless? Sleeping with guys, leading them on, and making them feel something that isn't there, only intensifies my dissatisfaction and brings me down further. To think that my weak attempts to try and show myself that I can do more and better were the very reasons that brought me so low.

Atleast I'm strong enough though, to look in the mirror and notice the slut I've been and wish desperately for a change.
I'm not at the point of no return though, I can still remember each face and count the ones that had me on one hand. But anymore and I'll need my toes.
(But it's not just that, because hitting a home run on the first night is a clear sign that it couldn't possibly be serious. It's not doing it,only kissing, and spending time together that really gets to a peron's heart. I shouldn't be doing that with a heart of stone.)

A thousand tiny ants will be exposed from under a log in my child like search for you...
Where are you?