I Think Your Missing The Point

It seems easy right, to transition smoothly from the many phases in our lives that make up who we are...?

Defining what I was actually doing is trivial but the important idea being that I was alone. It didn't matter the number of calls from guys I was receiving(not dialing) or the hours accumulating spent getting ready for a date...all that is useless when your single. I went home (most of the time) to an empty bed that was free of any intimate memories or romantic, intellectual conversations. Isolation is just the subtraction of attatchment from a relationship.

It's just that I went from one extreme to the next and found that attatching myself to him was potential poison.

Relationships with attatchments believe that the small things in life (even big ones too) could never leave. How could my car not be parked next to his? It's not possible for anyone else's tooth brush to criss cross agianst his. It's a belief from our heart that that particular smile, the one he does when he's feeling playful, could never be reproduced for anyone else.

One morning you wake to find that your car is lookin' lonely and it's more possible than ever that he's doing that smile and laughing with the "newness" of another relationship.

How do we accept that without going insane? How can we look at food or anything pleasurable in the same lustful way...without that person?

How can I walk into someone's house and mingle with people with the new option of having sex with anyone I might want, when just last week I'd never dream of it. But I took a form of that option to see what it would do and realized that it's a disturbingly odd emotion:

*Kissing is out; nobody's lips will ever compare or give me that feeling in my stomach

*Touching is pointless; comparing becomes an issue when you wonder, "Well so and so never did that, and I liked it this way when we did this"

*Talking seems like a filler; "fillers" as I like to call them, are like the unnecessary foods at a restaurant. The stuff they just give you so you will get so full and you really probably shouldn't have eaten it. (bread before meal, etc) It wasn't necessary because now your just uncomfortable with the fact that number one, it's a different voice, number two it's a topic your unaccustomed to, and number three, your not talking to that special person.

*Plans are empty; Oh yeah sure, we can elaborate all we want on what a magnificent time we are having...but lying has become a second nature, even a virtue for our society.
........................................................................
I made Alex my environment and hid behind a boyfriend thinking I could justify my life here in Jacksonville with him. I feel out of place in Jacksonville and I assumed if I clinged to Alex then that was the only place I need to feel comfort...right? Well I failed that test because I'm discovering the difficult way that I have to get myself situated in my new environment before I go off looking for someone I can call Mr. Right.

I think being here made me realize that I'm missing the point of not only breaking up, but moving to Jacksonville in general.