Sometimes I wonder why when I have good intentions at heart, I'm always feeling so horrible about myself...
I hate it how I seek to do good in mine and his lives, but he always makes me feel like it's never good enough. If I say something, it's not the right way of saying it; If I make effort to do something, It's at the wrong time. I can't keep living to justify my actions/intentions. I wish I could be perfect for him, that way perhaps we'd both smile in the morning. Then I look back on the words I just wrote, and think to myself: That's cruel the way I'm living and what's going on in my head, shame on me for thinking I'M doing something wrong. But I can acknowledge the fact that I'm a good person and STILL blame myself. Psycho...
Now I have to do this today alone, without anyone's comfort or consoling words. I was mad at him the day he went but I didn't leave him stranded to deal with it by himself. I have nobody to talk to, to cry to...
I can say that Jessica and Jason are there for me, but It's only sometimes. I can't go to them at any given moment and expect them to be there for me. I have nobody to depend on in my life except Jayden, atleast I know my dog won't judge the person I am.
Thanks Jer because I really need someone like you now and despite what you may think, I care that your not here with me to the point of anger.

It's a daily struggle
For me
And seemingly just another day
For you.
Sometimes I see you strain at the gaze
Of my eyes
And pause at the sound of my caring voice
However,
To spend every
Waking
Sleeping
Dreaming
hour with me, isn't anything difficult.
Unfortunately you don't allow yourself
To get caught up in the
Chaotic confusion of emotions.
When we
Stare
Laugh
Smile
Embrace...
It ends there at the last letter of each word-
With the acts traveling no deeper than a puddle.
I fool you into believing I'm no further ahead of you
In the mind or heart.
And blindly you take in that I could deal with a
"Take or leave" relationship;
That I could walk away from you
Without hesitation.
The idea of my repetitive tears being shed over you is
shocking;
For what reason have I to lament over a simplistic soul
Such as yourself?
Suit yourself in agreeing with the radical notion that I don't
Have sadness in me
For you
and accept the
claim that It's only an eyelash
Every
Single
Day...

At a loss indeed and I don't see any room for improvement or progress. It's like everytime I think we are going some place further- we don't. Perhaps it's a sign; a clear hint that this isn't supposed to be happening. Sometimes I wonder...
Even though I've been spending time with Jeremy, I still haven't forgotten Jay. In all honesty I'm shocked at his reaction to me hanging/speaking with Jer. He was so upset with me on Monday afternoon I couldn't catch my breath,

"Sarah you know how much I dislike him and with everything that's happened between us I can't believe your going back, you swore you never would..."

I didn't really see how this all pertained to him in the slightest, however I thought I should appease him and try to explain to him that it was okay. Apparently it wasn't okay for him,

"I don't even want to hear anything from you, I don't think we should speak anymore. If your talking to him then your not speaking to me. Let everyone know ahead of time when your coming over so I can make the proper arrangements to get the hell out of here"

I didn't know whether to laugh,smile, or cry. It was a strange manner in which he was speaking to me and his eyes avoided mine in anger.

"Jay you mean the world to me and nobody can compare to you or change the way I feel about you..." I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know or had previously acknowledged. Finally he looked at me and we layed down on the couch and talked awhile. It's purely innocent between us but my feelings are what scares me and could be labeled as sin. I know nothing would happen between us agian but I still have feelings. We talked and laughed together that whole night, and I slept incredibly good knowing his prescence was close to me at heart. I slept holding his hand and relished in the moment dreading the idea that it would soon be over by sunrise.
Tuesday I spent some time with Jeremy, and that proved be as successful as my writing career (which is non existent). I don't know what it is or why it happens in a certain way, but he turns on me after the slightest problem. If something isn't 100%, or if there's any stipulation of doubt...he's unhappy and wants nothing at all. I was so upset at the way he sped off and left me standing alone in the parking lot...what kind of person does that and not 5 minutes later answers the phone saying nothing is wrong. I don't know what to do anymore? It gets hard to still have good emotions toward him when incidents such as those occur. But for some odd reason I can't be satisfied with myself if he's not around; I'm at a sense of unhappiness knowing that he isn't in my life.
That night I was really incredibly upset, and I called Jessica crying (which is probably another reason why Jay hates the idea of us talking) and she said she was home alone and I should come talk to her. We vegetated in her bed and while I cried she shoved tissues up my running nose and attempted to answer questions that the world has barely been able to explore. Right at the peak of my sadness and sobbing Shane and Jason walked in to find me a big red mess with my hair all frizzed and my cheecks bright pink.
They have to give me props for the performance I put on! I shot up from laying down and put on this huge smile and said,
"Hey guys!(::sobbing sobbing::) How are you..." Hey I definately gave it my all in trying to conceal how I felt, but I think the racoon eyes gave it away. Jason grew even more angry and tried blaming it on me for putting myself in the situation I'm in. I've grown to realize that I make certain decisions that appear to be so right for me, but in turn bring about that same feeling of remorse and sadness. I wish my heart to be of the most apathetic and careless so that I might never have to feel my life and my choices. How grand life would be if I could care so little for the Js in my life to the point that I could walk away from them at any given time and never look back.
He consoled me and made me laugh hard agian as if I was actually happy or something. In all honesty I think am happy around him because he makes me feel so good and care free. We don't even do anything together it's just sitting and enjoying eachothers company and I love spending the time that we did the other night and knowing that he's there for me like that. It's so stupid the things we do that we get so much pleasure out of. After about an hour of talking like a gangster, dancing, and making fun of myself I completely forgot my stress and anger. Everything in my life just faded into the back of my mind as though it was a waste basket newly emptied. I need that kind of relationship in my life, where I can go to him and not worry and have a quick pick-me-up. Not like I'm using him at all, but I really feel like he's doing good in my life in the respect of happiness. I feel like a little girl around him sometimes; as though he's there to protect me and make everything wrong in my life go right. But back to the point, I drove home with a sense of goodness and a better outlook with Jeremy.
Jeremy makes me happy and I know that he's right for me even though there's trouble in paradise right now. I get happy when we make plans and talk together about the bullshit in life. I just don't realize what I do sometimes to upset him, perhaps I ought to be more conscious of what I say/act out.
I'll definatly be working on that in the future for Jeremy...

I forgot how hard it was to be around him...it's all or nothing. I can't say anything and be unsure of myself, I can't question out of curiousity without being put down, and I certainly can't make time for my life because the very idea is suicidal. I don't know why I care enough to still want him, what is it that's so messed up in my head? I can't be with someone who wants attention and time 24/7, because that's how people get sick of eachother. I wanted to spend time with him but not every single day and I certainly didn't want to be held responsible for cancelled plans that was out of my control.

So I almost got killed today! I swear I thought it was some sort of conspiracy agianst me...
I was about to take Shane home and I saw all these missed calls from Jay, then I had a call from Jay as I was walking out the door. And he wanted to know where I was and what I was planning on doing, so I explained I'd be over at his house in like 10 minutes and we could chat. As I was parking, I noticed how conveinantly Jason's ex girlfriend's car was parked next to his bike! Oh my gosh, this NY bitch is absolutely insane with her meanness and cruelty. I was shocked that he would call me over there while SHE was inside knowing that she'd probably kill me cause of the notes and clothes I've left in his room this past week. I looked at Shane with sad, imploring eyes and he responded with a silent look as if to say, "Sarah, we told you he was shady like that..."
Oh but what could I do? I wasn't about to go inside so I asked Shane to call me when he got upstairs and tell me if she was waiting with a baseball bat or something. I got the call and was pleased to hear that she wasn't there and he just took her car. He called me and was like, "Oh my gosh I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks...but it's only been 2 days" Yeah I feel as though it's been too long as well, but hey he isn't complaining with all the company he's got. Why do I care about this one either?
Good news and Bad news:
Tonight after my date with Joey (<-- good news) I decided to follow Maria up to Orlando to meet...Clayton and Peter (<-- potentially bad news). I called him a little bit ago and we had a nice conversation about how we missed eachother and how it would be nice to see one another agian. I can't even begin to express the way his voice makes my heart drop far down enough to smear the pink off my pedicured toes. Nothing has changed with him, and I'll get attatched this weekend I'm sure.
"Relish Today Remorse Tomorrow"

I'm so lost and far away from where I feel I need to be. If I knew exactly where it was, I'd wish to be at home.

I don't pretend to not notice the way things are and how they'll always be. I can accept it and live my life as though he isn't even there. He isn't stopping me or holding me back from others in such a way where another relationship is impossible. I could easily fall in love with someone else and give those feelings away that I have saved for him.
(Mindless comments for the oblivious, and helpful hints for anyone that might be interested in knowing)


Last night as I was twiddeling my thumbs and twirling my hair he called; asked me of my where abouts and hung up quickly.
"How rude..." ,I thought as I looked at the phone in confusion. Perhaps 25 minutes later I heard his bike and smirked as I realized his unannounced visit. It makes me happy knowing where he is and what he's
doing...I hate the feeling of mystery and wonder with him. I'm jealous to the point that I can't even look
at myself in the mirror because I'm so heated and uncomfortable. Ugh it's an awful feeling to have for
someone.
We talked a lot about love and relationships, which was different considering he doesn't usually talk about
his feelings too much. He told me that he'd never let himself fall in love and every time he gets close and
starts to feel the way he once did, he'll push away. I knew that's what he did to me, and all I needed was
some justification. I said how funny it was how at nights before we fell asleep he'd leave me with
"I really like you a lot" or "It's scary how much I like you" and then after that things went down hill. He said
sorry but that he didn't want to fall in love and he'll never let himself get into that temporary happiness
ever agian. I said to have faith because one day he'll find a girl who won't make him scared and he'll be happy forever. I almost came clean with him on how I feel but I didn't want to make things weird and uncomfortable for the both of us. I know he cares a lot about me and what happens to me, but he doesn't
care enough to take a chance on me or anyone. I don't see how a person can live their life day to day with a different girl all the time. I couldn't stand the change or the inconsistency of personalities and styles.
I love knowing a person and feeling comfortable with someone to the point where nothing stupid could
be said and there is no hesitation for actions. No questions about how this person feels or what they are
thinking...because you already know.
We played on the bike this afternoon after lunch. I found that I could sit on the bike and hold up the weight
without his help...now if only I could ride it. He showed me how different things worked and what does this and who does that. I look so sexy on that bitch it kills me that it isn't mine.
If only I had 1,000$.
Life would be kick ass with a bike

I know this is three times too many posts in one day, but after I wrote that poem he called. And I went just as surely as I always have. The idea of declining a request to hang out is absolutely absurd to me in so many ways because why would I miss the opportunity of seeing him? Of laughing with him? And laugh we did today. I don't believe I've ever laughed so much, or smiled so big in the past year let alone in two hours. Those two hours were distraction free and only us; no phones, no people, no obligations...just us.
I gave him a very hard time about the scratch marks on the sides of his back...
Apparently he got a back scratch from someone- a very likely story. So I played my jealous role and we laughed for minutes straight over my analyzation and observation of these ellegid "back scratch" marks. I told him it wouldn't hurt me if he slept with someone (which is so untrue) because after all, who am I? And what are we? So with that said, how could I possibly have any reason to be upset or mad? (Because I'm head over heels that's exactly how I could be DEVASTATED!)
I don't recall the last time I had so much fun though with him, all we do is laugh and joke. I never see him laugh like he does when he's with me. I watch him with other people and he doesn't laugh or smile half as good as he does when we are playing around. I love to make him smile and it's so easy to get him going. Knowing that I'm more of a polite and proper girl, he tries to make me seem crude and uncut because it's so incongrues. So it's cheap entertainment for him to tell me to yell out these horrible things and watch me blush as I try to sound serious while screaming, "Oh yes Baby F* me good" or something totally revolting along those lines. Oh my gosh we die before I can get to the F word and if I do get it out we are on the floor cause I sound so ridiculous.
I don't know what it is about him, but I'm so glad to have met him and experienced what I have with him. He's shown me a lot in two months, not only about intimate relationships, but about relationships in general. I've come to know myself a little bit better with him and can honestly say I am happy. I've never been able to say that I was truly happy unless I was in Washington living my days with the atmostphere I belong to. I've never been satisfied with Florida until I met Jason.
How sad my life really is to know that I won't be happy unless with a person who makes me feel that way...and most commonly it's temporary.

I have pity;
Openly express the sympathy felt
For that naive child believing honestly in
their fancy words in the format of a fairy tale.
It seems I ought to lament in her honor,
Being a naive victim myself.
For I'm almost positive they
Think my situation
Pathetically Sorrowful.
But they can only give out so much remorse in my favor
Before they start to blame the lonely, heartaching nights
and tears on my own self.
Just as I;
Caring to a certain extent for the little girl,
While thinking aloud how foolish one must be to
believe that one day her prince will come.

I've got to put a stop to this one track mind leading to hell. My heart won't relax at the mere sound of a bike passing by the house or the specific ring of my cell phone, knowing that it's usually him. It's getting harder to do knowing the outcome and where I'll be left standing. I can fool him and Jessica into believing I'm fine. But everyday is a new struggle with myself and him to appear so nochalant in regards to what we are and what we are doing.
Isn't it amusing; having somewhat of comedic value, how one can accuratley predict a negative situation, yet still take in every moment with glee? How can I savor my days with him laughing as though this amusement will still be funny months from now, but all the while knowing within a matter of weeks my time is up...?

"Relish Today Remorse Tomorrow"
I'll acknowledge the heartache but brush it off until that day comes.


Talking to J agian, I found myself suprisingly emotional. The distinctive smell of his truck brought unwanted tears to my eyes and seemingly long forgotten memories of Gainseville and making that horrible drive way more times than he did. Pictures I hadn't bothered to reconstruct were suddenly flashing across my eyes without warning, and what am I supposed to do with sun glasses that don't conceal my eyes? Or a sensitive soul that won't harden upon request and reveals the soft and vulnerability within an instant...? How can I look as though I care so little with all these obstacles GALLAVANCING in my way?

Though completely unexplainable, it's more than simple infatuation that keeps me holding on to him. I don't try to hide it that I'm so in love with everything about him and that nothing will ever make these new, akward feelings go away. Riding on the bike today I realized something about myself and about the way things are supposed to be when in love. It's true that I recognize his flaws, but they don't suppress the strength of my emotions for him. There's been so many times where a guy in my life has certain quircks about him that stifle true feelings,but this however seems absolutly ludacris when applied to Jason.
I don't care that he's got a skin pigmentation problem that leaves certain, random areas of his skin white; and for me to say that I don't care about the chip in his front tooth is shocking considering I'm the biggest teeth fanatic. He does the most retarded things for no reason that would normally find me walking out the door, but today when he decided to put tin foil over his teeth like a "grill" I laughed and allowed him to put one on me.
I don't want to get any more into it because it makes me sad to think that we're both leaving. I'm taking him to the airport so I'll be quite sure to tell him the truth.


I don't want to explain how much I miss J. I could write forever tonight just going over the endless memories that bring about a smile. (Yeah I know, a smile!) I had a lot of time to think tonight at work.
I didn't think of anything except J...
How we stayed the night in some po-dunk suwannee river motel that was "ON THE WATER!!!!!";how when I was sick from drinking and said things I didn't mean he was still there for me; how we always went to Jeff's for dinner; how he'd give me piggy back rides anywhere, anytime regardless...
I don't want anyone's judgement because many might believe that I'm contradicting myself. I know I'm head over heels for someone, but that doesn't mean that I can't have feelings for someone that made such a big impact on my life. I'm still attatched to him! I don't write about him knowing that he reads every word and every thought I say, yet keeping the truth a secret is something I've learned isn't right.
I don't care what anyone thinks about my reasoning, I still love J. I don't have to explain myself or answer to anyone's critical commentary...
It is what it is

Talking on the phone with Tiffany I realized Jason's moodyness with a mystery:

"Who ya talkin to huh? You makin a date using my house phone?"
:: He Laughs::
"It's definatly Tiffany..."
:: We Laugh::
"Better be!"

It hurts to hear that knowing he cares to a certain extent that will never be displayed again...what a dirt bag for not being true to himself. No, it did NOT occur to me ever once that he is being true to himself now, because he isn't! His certain,frequent mentionings to Jessica and dropped hints to me tell me otherwise.
So I decided to take a day to myself and brought Jayden to the beach. I do believe it was fate;how the guy in the orange shorts was staring me down as I walked down the sand; how I casually glanced in an instant only to see the brown of his skin and the numerous tattooes;how when I let Jayden off the leash and she immediatly ran over to this younger gentleman with his dog. I apologized and began to walk over to hear him excited at the fact that my dog had interfered with his world. We introduced ourselves and I found out that his name was Sean and he's 26. STOP, I know what everyone would be thinking at this point:

"Isn't it ironic that a 26 year old, who could be married with children by now, would be interested in an 18 year old...? He's after the sex and don't you forget it"

This is true for when I came to find out my friend wanted some 30 year old I looked down upon her and predicted her heartbreak. They're still together and have been happily for 6 months; no guy waits around 6 months for nothing.
Anyhow we talked a little and I decided to take my dog for a walk, as I was leaving he pointed to his blanket and promised there was room enough for four if I was interested. I smiled and took my dog down the shoreline to let the sun hit my skin and spot it brown even more than it is now. I walked back to see him sitting with his obedient dog, watching me as I approached.
"I bet he knew I would come back..." , I thought as I saw him finally break a smile.
We talked awhile longer until I felt the need to take the dog back home and shower. We exchanged numbers and I'm supposed to give him a call tonight after I pick up Jessica from work.
Haha, It doesn't matter where I go or what I look like- I'm always gonna find someone. I seriously thought I looked ridiculous in this bathing suite that covers about 10 square inches of my body. (I'm borrowing it from the sexy, seductive wearing ANYTHING Jessica) I looked in the mirror to find myself looking suprisingly thin. Maybe it's that I look longer because the top is so high and the bottoms go so low one can see the white tan line that seperates my stomach from the lower regions.
I don't know if I want to hang out with him tonight because Jason asked me to go out to a bar with him and the guys...
What a predicament

30 minutes later:
Jay just called and wants movie night...hands down I'm in Tarpon for the night

I should just stop telling Todd that we're going to hang out and GO out! I feel horrible every time I make and consistently BREAK plans with him. Wednesday when I called him I was sencere when I said I missed him and we should get together after he got off work on Thursday night. Oh but Thursday night found me exhausted and weary from too many late nights and early mornings. I apologized profusly but personally I think he's getting tired of being blown off. Hey! If he didn't work every night till 11:00pm things would be great, and even greater if his house wasn't 30 minutes away from mine. What to do? I think we should just stop calling eachother cause we never make the time and neither of us care to the point of making sacrifices. NEXT!
2:30 in the morning Jason is calling my phone, blowing it up minute after minute. He's very persistent in his calls and knows that at one point or another I'll wake up some where after the 5th or 6th time calling. I was so tired and confused so he used it to his advantage and started playing games with me...
I laughed it off as he pretended to be a black person speaking in ebonics;

"What up nigga?"
"Is yo mammy home?"

Oh if I wasn't so tired and I didn't have obligations at 7:05am in the morning I'd drive over there like usual. It was nice to hear that he wanted to come over for once, cause he hasn't driven to me during the AM hours for like a week.
So far I have a date with the computer and my poetry book which I have neglected for quite some time. I have so much to write about but so little time...as of now it's my first choice of plans unless Ben or Jason has anything better?

He's got a point...I cringe at the thought of caving in; however he has his point. I suppose the old me would have said no and surely had voiced a prominent opinion, but that time I was too humble and passive. Maybe I wanted to? Perhaps the thought of making love without falling in love was somewhat appealing to me considering I can never have sex without growing attatched. Whatever the case may be, the idea behind it all was that the "Sarah" a few months ago would have said no.
I tried talking/venting to Big T today:

ME: "I'm so miserable Tiffany...I feel so alone"

HER: "ALONE?! You have a different guy to play around with all the time, how can you say that you feel alone?"

ME: "You don't understand...I want consistency, a sense of permenance in my life. Jason gives it to me but only for so much more time. All the others are just for dates and laughs"

HER: "I don't even want to hear it tonight. All I know is that every time we talk your out with another guy while I'm stuck getting screwed over by this one guy; the only guy that I've talked to all year!"

I guess I shouldn't have even bothered talking to her because all I ever hear is how her one person dicks her over and how she's too good for him anyways. I wish she'd look past the idea of me going out with people and see that I'm so desperate for love it's hideously pathetic! I'm surrounded in people and what I always thought looked so good, but it's no good to me. I'm tired of jumping around and trying to meet new people. I've gone through too many at this point and nothing to show for it. Jason remains to be the one person I can turn to and even sometimes I'm unsure of his reliability. I'm too afraid to find out but I wonder if the one time I might need him would he be there? (I don't have to work tomorrow maybe I can test that notion out...?)
Jason bothers me with everything I've got left in my heart...between his questioning and hinting at my dating I'm going crazy with anticipation. I can say with all the confidence in the world that he wants to be with me, but there's too many obstacles now.
Driving down Belcher Road today I was overcome suddenly with raging tears of fear. I thought so many different possibilities at once about Jay; if he had asked me to go with him to New York or if I would marry him or something completely radical along those lines. I couldn't stay calm for some reason because I was afraid to think of what I would honestly do. So I cried knowing that someone who won't ever be mine has such a powerful affect on me. Never will I let any of them know that...they'll call me stupid for being so into him. Jessica even said to me over lunch yesterday that I seem fine with everything and don't even care. I pushed forward my best smile and laughed with her...

ME: "Oh my goodness I'm so okay about everything. Does is really look like I have time to care between the guys I'm talking to?"

HER: "Yeah I can tell that you have gotten over it a lot"

ME: " 'Ladies a pimp too; go and brush yo shoulders off' "

I cried on the inside wishing I could throw the truth onto the table and show her how much I care. Show her that I'm dying inside when we laugh together and play wrestle, reveal the ruthless fact that I can't sleep easy without him next to me, or even sleep at all without a candle because that's constantly the last thing I see before I'm sent to dreams with him next to me. You know you've got it bad when you leave your date EARLY to go spend the night with him; when you lose an hour of sleep in the morning because you want to watch him peacefully lie there; when all I tend to do when hanging out with other guys is DREAM about Jay. I've got it bad...but I'll never tell.

HER: "Good Sarah, your too good for him anyhow"

ME: "Yeah totally..."

Monday was a good day...
I was feeling pretty low and upset with my actions the previous night, so Jason consoled me and didn't even know it. We took a nap from 2:30 till 7:00pm; it was nice to have someone hold me and make me feel better about myself. I honestly felt sick to the point of running hastily into the bathroom to spit up the horrible things I did to make me feel so dirty. I wasn't thinking at all, and now I've got him calling me all the time needing more than just a platonic relationship. I thought I made it clear a week ago that I'm not at all interested in a serious relationship. Oh dear...
Jason and I are doing good. We spent the night together on Monday and had a lot of fun. We made a trip to super wal-mart for some bathroom supplies then made "baby cakes" without any eggs. I was almost positive that the cake mix would turn to shit and they'd be bland to the point where no amount of icing would help; however, I was mistaken and reminded all night of how delicious they were. We were feeling greedy and didn't bother to tell the other people that we bought Arbor Mist, so we quietly and happily sipped it in his room like little kids eating stolen cookies behind the couch. I wasn't drunk because it was a school night, but we still had fun.
Tuesday me and Tiffany went to Carrabbas (what else is new?) and I saw Ben My Love. I remembered how I blew him off last month because I was with Jason but I played it off as though he did it to me "Agian". So I gave him my number agian and I was over there last night at his house. He's got a cute home and adorable pugs that snort and run around like Harlee did. We watched a movie and we caught up on old times of how he dicked me over and how much I liked him. He's a changed person considering the SERIOUS conversation (he was voted class clown last year and purposely grew a mullet for graduation...need I say more?) and the seemingly genuine tone. We fell asleep in his bed and he didn't touch me at all except to hold my hand, which was sweet of him and suprisingly refreshing.
Tonight he's taking me to the Tampa Theatre and to walk around afterwards, which doesn't sound like him AT ALL but I'm not judging him anymore. Hopefully I can stay over there agian cause his bed is like no other I've laid in before. It's a king size, cotton ball as I like to call it.


I've been very miserable lately and haven't had the time to sit and really write about it. Lately I have just been writing to remember, not to display any sort of talent. My life is changing and things are rearranging, and I don't want to lose it.

*Mom says if I take the motorcycle class that teaches me about safety and how to ride I can get a used bike* <---Holy Shit somebody get me a tissue my underwear is saturating in joy.

Saturday night I caved in after two missed calls from Jason. I tried ignoring them but who am I kidding? I went over there at around 3:00am to find him and Jessica really deep into conversation. They were talking about love and how disfunctional his last relationship was. My ears perked and my eyes widened when he explained how his ex used to say I love you, and all he could answer back with was "thanks". We made a huge pizza and had a pow wow in the living room with candles and Norah Jones on the CD player. I talked about Jeremy a lot and cried inside at the sound of how wasteful I was. I didn't and still do not understand why I was with someone I secretly abhored. I wanted his personality and his love inside of another person because I wasn't in any way attracted to him. I was silly to think that I could learn to love and settle for something that I would never appreciate. I don't know why we talked about that stuff but when me and Jason went in his room to lay down we didn't stop talking. I confessed that I HATED kissing Jeremy and how much I never wanted to cuddle or do anything. I said these words between Jay's comforting kisses and as we held eachother so close. He stopped and questioned why I always did it with him...I didn't answer the way my heart wanted me to, but I told him that he was special. Truth is I love cuddling and kissing is my favorite act of intimacy...
I tried to stop talking about Jeremy by kissing and putting him into The Mood, but he wanted to talk and cuddle like a prude little girl. That's ok cause those times are my favorite and the fact that he turns down sex is so hot and so sweet. We started talking about sex and what it meant to us now and months behind us. Months ago I thought of sex as pure pleasure and I only wanted to do it with Jeremy to get that 20 seconds of bliss. I never thought deeply on how our bodies felt agianst one another, I couldn't have cared less about looking into his eyes, and those kisses I gave were empty;only given to enhance the moment. With Jason it's different, I'm so much more conscious of little things and in tune to that which doesn't have to be done during sex. Jason always holds my hands, even when his head is down below, his fingers are wrapped up between mine. Gives me a good sense of security and a bond that we dont talk about. On the outside we're close friends, but Jessica and Shane can see that it's something else. He worries constantly and cares immensely; acting almost like an older brother who concerns himself with his naive little sibling. But I think Jay just knows the kind of girl I am and knows I'm different from all his friends and the people they surround themselves with. A lot them aren't going any place special in their life and he sees my potential and expresses often how he doesn't want me to ruin it. Anyways, I'm going to head over there in an hour or so to see if he's doing okay. Last night he was getting sick at work and coughing really bad. To top it off Alex cornered him agian and got Jay to do what he wanted: Lose his temper. He's got a short temper with Alex and one can't get like that when speaking with authority. Alex is sneaky and he knew, so Jason's out of luck now. I think he'll get back into welding...which is good. It's what he went to school for and it's what he was doing until he left his girlfriend and left his life!
Last night I went to Abercrombie's. We watched a movie and talked forever...till 6:25am to be exact. Ugh, I definatly don't like him like THAT after last night. I don't care if he dresses like a model or if he's got the hottest body...he's the worst kisser and for being 22 he SUCKS at turning a girl on. I could feel that he was turned on but I on the other hand was dry as the sierra dessert. In my head I was thinking about Jason and Clayton; how smooth and gentle they were when it came down to it, and how calm and not spastic they were while on top of me. Abercrombie was rough and jumpy...I thought I was being eaten alive.
It's up to one hand now, so I'm up to par with my goal and the bargain I made with the others.
Score

Tomorrow is Easter and I don't have the time to spend it with my mother. I feel bad but I can't do anything to get out of this double shift I've got on my hands.
I'm really enjoying talking to Abercrombie Boy. He's sweet and not shy at all, which leads to how incredibly easy he is to talk to and refreshingly not perverted. It's nice to have a conversation that doesn't wander underneath eachother's clothes and stays on a polite basis. Sunday after work he's taking me out for ice cream if anything is open, or maybe get some desserts from Pappas and take it to his house to watch a movie.
I wish it was Jason who wanted to spend that kind of time with me, but I'm still happy with the friendship we have. He wanted me to go over to his house after work since we both had to be in tomorrow at the same time, but I really want to sleep in my own bed tonight. I've been at his house for two nights and I don't get a very good night's rest considering I'm completely paranoid about what he thinks I look like in the morning. So I like to wake up first and shower then wait for him to silently walk in and pinch me as he cleverly slips in the shower too. I wish I would have slept over there tonight, but I need to let him go. He was in my life to show me how to let go of something I didn't even want or love. He showed me what a relationship is supposed to feel like and how two people are meant to act when in "love". (that's not at all to say we were in love, i simply mean two people feeling for eachother)
I had fun today! I woke up to Jason's annoying laugh and the sound of him cussing at his hair while at the same time lecturing me on what's good and bad. For some reason he feels the need to show some protective authority; everyone knows I'll listen to him. He says he worries because I'm not the same person as when he met me...I have been demonstrating a rebel streak that scares him. He's so lame...all I did was try one little drug and got one little tattoo now he's looking at me with his sad blue eyes with some actual sencerity behind them! (yeah shocking) After the lecture I went to the bagel shop with some girls and I got help with math. I need to buckle down these last weeks of school and do the right thing with my grades and attendence. So then I went over to Jay's to visit with Jessica. I feel for the girl with all my heart; she's 18 living with Shane and thinks she's in love. He might say and show love sometimes but the lack of communication and care shows me otherwise. If your truly in love, you don't slam the door on a crying face, nor do you turn your body away in silence as the other person confesses their love. She doesn't realize that it's going to come crashing down on her and I see it everyday. He works all day and stays out all night while she waits at home like a bitch with only me to keep her company. She's one batch of cookies to move away from her life in New Jersey to live here with Shane.
Well I had a conversation with the head chef tonight at work that really got me thinking. Him and the general manager really made me stop in my tracks and look at who I'm "needing" and who I really am. They witnessed all that I did and all I said for Jay...
They also say I wasted my time and got myself into trouble with someone of a lower class. But really they were talking quite highly and said that maybe I'm attracting the wrong guys. My appearance is nothing short of classy, therefore how is it that I find the forever 21-skank bitch-loving men?
It's the toungue ring...

He looks at me as though I'm so much more sacred; more pure than the other girls of the norm. I stand aside from all the others in a sense of goodness that he can take pride in as well as I. So when I confessed to him in the dark that I did some lines of C...he was so disapointed. His eyes sort of fell and he looked at me as though I had given him the biggest let down of all time. I felt so horrible and he was concerned that I might fall into some bad stuff but I told him to rest assured knowing that I wouldn't. We had a good talk with eachother lying in the bed and we cuddled as though we'd never been apart. It felt so good to feel his arms wrapped around me and my legs holding his. His face fits so perfectly in my neck and the gentle touch of his breath sends goose bumps down my body.

"It's been awhile Jason"

"Yes it has..."

We kissed and did what we used to do when we were together. It was nice to feel his skin agianst mine and have his body make a blanket for my shivering limbs. It's been too long since my heart has felt that way from the touch of his lips and the scent of his body. I'm glad we're on better terms and it's even better to know that he still cares. I'm not being made a fool out of, for I'm the one pushing him underneath the covers and pleading with him to keep going. I just love being with him and the mere fact of being close to him. I don't believe that we were meant to be as far apart as we've been. Something inside of me died last night when I heard he was going to NY to live for 4 or 5 months with his dad. I can't take the idea of us not ever seeing eachother agian...it's not supposed to happen that way. I can promise the world that I've never been so secretly in love with anyone as I am now, and that I've never been so prominate in my decision that I'd do anything to be with him. If he asked me today to leave with him and run away, I'd not think twice for anything. It's so scary knowing the lengths I'd go for him...is that love? Is that honestly what I feel? The smallest things bring me joy and the bigger the act, the more intense the feeling is. I've never been able to say that I have loved, but I think I do. Everybody else that I have met and have been seeing doesn't come close to doing what Jay did on the first night. Nobody looks appealing for a relationship in all honesty...and no matter what I might say I still care to the fullest extent about a relationship only with Jay. I can hide it because I know that if I dwell on a dream it will only make me sick. So everyday when his eyes meet mine, I silently chant to myself that I musn't look too deep and I shouldn't care about something that won't happen. I quell the truth and conceal my real feelings wishing that I could openly love and give to him knowing that he'd do the same.

I can fool anyone into believing my apathy. Those who watch would see me as if I'm at my most careless state; suspecting nothing of sadness. This I can do to everyone excluding HIM. Perhaps this small detail only enhances my desire, for in that short month he grew to know me more than anyone has. I didn't hide anything nor did I hold back, so this agian brings me to another hopeless level of need.
I couldn't believe my timing, my horrible, lousy timing. Why at that specific point of the day was I walking behind the restaurant (which I don't usually do), and why was he driving so slow on the road 10 feet away from me? Why did I even LOOK to see what that noise was when I have the sound of his bike memorized in my mind...? I had to be looking at him while he was glancing at me. Notice how I say glance because I know if he stared at me, it would make the person on the back holding his stomach question my identity. 20 seconds of that image was enough for me and my eyes darted to my pink toes that were slowly fading out of vision; soon I saw my feet as though I was underwater looking up. I remembered how it was always me on the back of his bike, and how I felt that I was supposed to be there with him now. If it wasn't right, I'd surely not feel so horrible at the sight of a BUTTER FACE clinging to him with glee. She's got it all, BUT HER face! Forgive my obvious spite due to jealousy.
And if he wants to take five steps DOWN to her level, then that's his perrogative. She's from NY and thank the Lord that she's leaving tomorrow. So even if he wanted to, he can't enjoy or initiate anymore of her company.
Wow...nobody would ever guess the feelings I'm holding now. It's so psychotic to the point that if I could have things MY way, I'd make every girl he thought pretty vanish to Bora Bora!
I know, I don't think I've ever been so jealous or affected by a guy like this. It's crazy how much I still care. I get weak when I walk into the house just knowing that that place and everything inside represents what we once had. I get almost angry just looking around knowing that It was mine only a week ago. The change is drastic and I'm having difficulties adjusting.
In a perfect world I'd truly be a cold hearted person. I'd make love, but never fall in love. I could kiss any lips without attatching myself onto them like a leech, I could look into beautiful eyes without caring whether or not they look elsewhere. I'd go into any relationship with a "take it or leave it" attitude. And now I see that the world is far from being perfect and I'm far from not caring about those who I involve myself with.

Friday morning he wanted nothing to do with me, so naturally I deflated the mattress on his exhausted ass and took it with me, only to feel bad and bring it back while he was out. I even gave him a fresh blanket and left some pictures of us on the bed, which he found when he got home and called me to sleep over. We ate pizza and he pretended as though nothing was the matter, and that morning had never happened. I decided I couldn't deal with his split personalities, but before I could blink he was doing it agian!
Saturday night I was making plans with Jessica and he had the nerve to call me and question the level of desire I had to be at the house that night.

"I have plans...don't you want to hang out with other people tonight?"

"Jay, all you have to say is 'I don't want you there', and I just won't be there"

"No no, don't be stupid! Come over it's no big deal"

I hung up at the sound of that because nobody in their right mind calls to make it known that they don't want a person around. Turns out he lied to Shane and Jessica that he even called me and said that; but I have the call stored in my phone so he can't argue. Ever since that night we've been at eachother's throats. I laugh and he just scowls because I "play games".
I met this abercrombie guy on Saturday night through my friend from work. It's her boyfriend's best friend and apparently he's the pickiest guy ever. So specific about his women to the point that if she's not perfect to him, he won't even speak to her.
GREAT! Considering the fact that I carry many flaw with me at all times, I assumed this would be interesting. I also heard that he wasn't a very nice guy and can be very mean and judgemental. I didn't even want to meet the kid!
We all watched a movie and made small talk about dumb stuff. When me and Candice were leaving, Randy(oh my gosh I know it's a horrible name but he's so cute and preppy that I don't even care) gave me a hug and offered his number to me. I thought it weird that he didn't ask for mine, but I'll leave it to that. As I slammed the car door shut, I jumped almost out of my seat at the ringing in my ears of Candice's squeel.

"Candice what the hell is your problem, your going to wake the neighbors!"

She was laughing and in and out of that she was saying "oh my gosh" as she dialed her boyfriend's number. I thought it weird that she was calling him so soon after we just left his house, but maybe she really missed him.

HER: "Oh my gosh! Randy gave Sarah a hug and said for her to call him"

I looked at her in astonishment and laughed because it seemed so petty and stupid. But on the other end I heard,

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? HE NEVER LIKES ANYONE WE SET HIM UP WITH"

Well hey, I'm glad I could be the lucky one. Sunday night we all went mini golfing and had an interesting time. I thought for sure after my ball went in the water and in the bushes at almost every hole, he'd change his mind due to my lack of coordination. But we exchanged the digits and I'm sposed to hang out with him tonight. Originally it was last night that we were going to hang out, but I was meeting up with my Valet Boy. Ah...Valet Boy.
Saturday night I met him at work as I was walking out at around 10:00pm. He asked to walk me to my car and we exchanged phone numbers. He was absolutely gorgous with his dark hair and dark eyes...
Toal italian. Anyway I was with him last night till 2:00am just talking and getting to know eachother. He's incredibly nice and polite, though our conversation ventured to the perverted side and I was shocked to hear the things he said. He's such a momma's boy; 22 year old living with the parents in their mansion in East Lake Woodlands, doesn't drink,smoke, or do drugs, and refers to mom as "mother". It was so refreshing though, to have a conversation with some DEPTH to it! We have a lot in common and didn't waste words on stupid subjects. Finally a person I can talk to that READS something and KNOWS a little bit about intelligence! I struggeled with Jason to have serious conversations about the two of us, let alone something of VALUE!
But, again I am lost and don't know where to go or what to do. I do know that nobody I've met has come close to doing what Jer did for me. Where is that type of guy and why can't I find him?

Last important incident was Jay claiming I flirted with my harasser at work...

He's got a horrible generalization of women, I'm not being put down to that level, and so we aren't together. He's wrong about me and has a lot to learn about opening up to a person. The more he acts the way he does, the less I care. Which is good for me because I don't even think about it in regret anymore. I'm done wishing, caring, and explaining myself. We've been hanging out since Sunday, but just as friends and sometimes when we get in the mood, a little bit more. But I'm not wasting my affection and feelings on someone like him. I was stupid to even want him to ask for my number. If I'd have known this past week would take place, surely I would have called in sick that day we met.

But I see that I've also learned some things. Nobody has ever made me feel so content and satisfied in a relationship and that's how two peopl together are supposed to feel. I'm a fool to have wasted 10 months of my life with Jeremy and never coming close to what me and Jay had in a month. I figured out that I'd do a lot for a person I'm in so deep with. I almost lost my job on Sunday when I walked out to try and talk to Jason, and I missed my math test this morning when I drove to his house to try and make him see that I still cared. It's no use

I was overwhelmed with emotions on Tuesday;
Jay shut me out and didn't flinch at the sight of my tears. He walked out on me when we were supposed to be going for a ride on his motorcycle to the beach, and he lied and said he'd be right back. I almost believed him when he said that, but I knew in my heart he didn't have to promise me anything anymore. So that night when I went back over there, I decided to get a tattoo.

"Relish Today Remorse Tomorrow"

Perfect for me considering I set myself up on this whole Jason ordeal and that's usually the way my life goes. I cried my way through the whole hour of it and never once thought it to be bearable.

"Sarah don't think about the pain! Think of something else"

That's the first thing she said to me, so immediatly I thought of Jason. Most of my tears were inflicted by those thoughts more than the pain. I'd sob a whole lot and throw my hands on my face in agony, then wonder why I was crying so hard. I like the tattoo and it means so much to me so I'm convinced I won't regret it.
I went out to lunch with the guy, Todd, who pierced my nose and belly button. He's an interesting character, with his 34 piercings, dread locks, and "open relationship" with a bisexual girlfriend that mothers his 2 year old child! He's only 20, but he's in love. He can date and have sex with anyone as long as there aren't any feelings involved...
WOW if I was TRULY in love I'd never agree to that bullshit. Jason found out and wants nothing at all to do with me. If only he'd just confess that it bothers him when other people show an interest in me, and then I'd say the same thing and question why we aren't together with mind sets like that.
I know why he's so upset: I went to lunch on Thursday afternoon, and Wednesday night Jason came over and spent the night. We cuddled and kissed and I know he cares. I'm not trying to sneak around, I just thought it would be fun to get to know Todd.
Now I want to get to know Brian...he's charming. So incredibly nice and I can just see that he's the type of guy I go for. Not in the physical part so much (He's tall and skinny), but I can tell by the way he looks and talks to me that he's a guy I'd go for in a heartbeat. He remembered my name from Sunday and he even asked if I was okay about the whole Jason thing. That's sweet and I made it VERY clear that me and him don't talk anymore. Hopefully Brian will be working tomorrow that way I can make a move.
I'm only worth as much as a guy makes me