I've got to put a stop to this one track mind leading to hell. My heart won't relax at the mere sound of a bike passing by the house or the specific ring of my cell phone, knowing that it's usually him. It's getting harder to do knowing the outcome and where I'll be left standing. I can fool him and Jessica into believing I'm fine. But everyday is a new struggle with myself and him to appear so nochalant in regards to what we are and what we are doing.
Isn't it amusing; having somewhat of comedic value, how one can accuratley predict a negative situation, yet still take in every moment with glee? How can I savor my days with him laughing as though this amusement will still be funny months from now, but all the while knowing within a matter of weeks my time is up...?

"Relish Today Remorse Tomorrow"
I'll acknowledge the heartache but brush it off until that day comes.


Talking to J agian, I found myself suprisingly emotional. The distinctive smell of his truck brought unwanted tears to my eyes and seemingly long forgotten memories of Gainseville and making that horrible drive way more times than he did. Pictures I hadn't bothered to reconstruct were suddenly flashing across my eyes without warning, and what am I supposed to do with sun glasses that don't conceal my eyes? Or a sensitive soul that won't harden upon request and reveals the soft and vulnerability within an instant...? How can I look as though I care so little with all these obstacles GALLAVANCING in my way?