He's got a point...I cringe at the thought of caving in; however he has his point. I suppose the old me would have said no and surely had voiced a prominent opinion, but that time I was too humble and passive. Maybe I wanted to? Perhaps the thought of making love without falling in love was somewhat appealing to me considering I can never have sex without growing attatched. Whatever the case may be, the idea behind it all was that the "Sarah" a few months ago would have said no.
I tried talking/venting to Big T today:

ME: "I'm so miserable Tiffany...I feel so alone"

HER: "ALONE?! You have a different guy to play around with all the time, how can you say that you feel alone?"

ME: "You don't understand...I want consistency, a sense of permenance in my life. Jason gives it to me but only for so much more time. All the others are just for dates and laughs"

HER: "I don't even want to hear it tonight. All I know is that every time we talk your out with another guy while I'm stuck getting screwed over by this one guy; the only guy that I've talked to all year!"

I guess I shouldn't have even bothered talking to her because all I ever hear is how her one person dicks her over and how she's too good for him anyways. I wish she'd look past the idea of me going out with people and see that I'm so desperate for love it's hideously pathetic! I'm surrounded in people and what I always thought looked so good, but it's no good to me. I'm tired of jumping around and trying to meet new people. I've gone through too many at this point and nothing to show for it. Jason remains to be the one person I can turn to and even sometimes I'm unsure of his reliability. I'm too afraid to find out but I wonder if the one time I might need him would he be there? (I don't have to work tomorrow maybe I can test that notion out...?)
Jason bothers me with everything I've got left in my heart...between his questioning and hinting at my dating I'm going crazy with anticipation. I can say with all the confidence in the world that he wants to be with me, but there's too many obstacles now.
Driving down Belcher Road today I was overcome suddenly with raging tears of fear. I thought so many different possibilities at once about Jay; if he had asked me to go with him to New York or if I would marry him or something completely radical along those lines. I couldn't stay calm for some reason because I was afraid to think of what I would honestly do. So I cried knowing that someone who won't ever be mine has such a powerful affect on me. Never will I let any of them know that...they'll call me stupid for being so into him. Jessica even said to me over lunch yesterday that I seem fine with everything and don't even care. I pushed forward my best smile and laughed with her...

ME: "Oh my goodness I'm so okay about everything. Does is really look like I have time to care between the guys I'm talking to?"

HER: "Yeah I can tell that you have gotten over it a lot"

ME: " 'Ladies a pimp too; go and brush yo shoulders off' "

I cried on the inside wishing I could throw the truth onto the table and show her how much I care. Show her that I'm dying inside when we laugh together and play wrestle, reveal the ruthless fact that I can't sleep easy without him next to me, or even sleep at all without a candle because that's constantly the last thing I see before I'm sent to dreams with him next to me. You know you've got it bad when you leave your date EARLY to go spend the night with him; when you lose an hour of sleep in the morning because you want to watch him peacefully lie there; when all I tend to do when hanging out with other guys is DREAM about Jay. I've got it bad...but I'll never tell.

HER: "Good Sarah, your too good for him anyhow"

ME: "Yeah totally..."