Saturday night I caved in after two missed calls from Jason. I tried ignoring them but who am I kidding? I went over there at around 3:00am to find him and Jessica really deep into conversation. They were talking about love and how disfunctional his last relationship was. My ears perked and my eyes widened when he explained how his ex used to say I love you, and all he could answer back with was "thanks". We made a huge pizza and had a pow wow in the living room with candles and Norah Jones on the CD player. I talked about Jeremy a lot and cried inside at the sound of how wasteful I was. I didn't and still do not understand why I was with someone I secretly abhored. I wanted his personality and his love inside of another person because I wasn't in any way attracted to him. I was silly to think that I could learn to love and settle for something that I would never appreciate. I don't know why we talked about that stuff but when me and Jason went in his room to lay down we didn't stop talking. I confessed that I HATED kissing Jeremy and how much I never wanted to cuddle or do anything. I said these words between Jay's comforting kisses and as we held eachother so close. He stopped and questioned why I always did it with him...I didn't answer the way my heart wanted me to, but I told him that he was special. Truth is I love cuddling and kissing is my favorite act of intimacy...
I tried to stop talking about Jeremy by kissing and putting him into The Mood, but he wanted to talk and cuddle like a prude little girl. That's ok cause those times are my favorite and the fact that he turns down sex is so hot and so sweet. We started talking about sex and what it meant to us now and months behind us. Months ago I thought of sex as pure pleasure and I only wanted to do it with Jeremy to get that 20 seconds of bliss. I never thought deeply on how our bodies felt agianst one another, I couldn't have cared less about looking into his eyes, and those kisses I gave were empty;only given to enhance the moment. With Jason it's different, I'm so much more conscious of little things and in tune to that which doesn't have to be done during sex. Jason always holds my hands, even when his head is down below, his fingers are wrapped up between mine. Gives me a good sense of security and a bond that we dont talk about. On the outside we're close friends, but Jessica and Shane can see that it's something else. He worries constantly and cares immensely; acting almost like an older brother who concerns himself with his naive little sibling. But I think Jay just knows the kind of girl I am and knows I'm different from all his friends and the people they surround themselves with. A lot them aren't going any place special in their life and he sees my potential and expresses often how he doesn't want me to ruin it. Anyways, I'm going to head over there in an hour or so to see if he's doing okay. Last night he was getting sick at work and coughing really bad. To top it off Alex cornered him agian and got Jay to do what he wanted: Lose his temper. He's got a short temper with Alex and one can't get like that when speaking with authority. Alex is sneaky and he knew, so Jason's out of luck now. I think he'll get back into welding...which is good. It's what he went to school for and it's what he was doing until he left his girlfriend and left his life!
Last night I went to Abercrombie's. We watched a movie and talked forever...till 6:25am to be exact. Ugh, I definatly don't like him like THAT after last night. I don't care if he dresses like a model or if he's got the hottest body...he's the worst kisser and for being 22 he SUCKS at turning a girl on. I could feel that he was turned on but I on the other hand was dry as the sierra dessert. In my head I was thinking about Jason and Clayton; how smooth and gentle they were when it came down to it, and how calm and not spastic they were while on top of me. Abercrombie was rough and jumpy...I thought I was being eaten alive.
It's up to one hand now, so I'm up to par with my goal and the bargain I made with the others.
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