I can fool anyone into believing my apathy. Those who watch would see me as if I'm at my most careless state; suspecting nothing of sadness. This I can do to everyone excluding HIM. Perhaps this small detail only enhances my desire, for in that short month he grew to know me more than anyone has. I didn't hide anything nor did I hold back, so this agian brings me to another hopeless level of need.
I couldn't believe my timing, my horrible, lousy timing. Why at that specific point of the day was I walking behind the restaurant (which I don't usually do), and why was he driving so slow on the road 10 feet away from me? Why did I even LOOK to see what that noise was when I have the sound of his bike memorized in my mind...? I had to be looking at him while he was glancing at me. Notice how I say glance because I know if he stared at me, it would make the person on the back holding his stomach question my identity. 20 seconds of that image was enough for me and my eyes darted to my pink toes that were slowly fading out of vision; soon I saw my feet as though I was underwater looking up. I remembered how it was always me on the back of his bike, and how I felt that I was supposed to be there with him now. If it wasn't right, I'd surely not feel so horrible at the sight of a BUTTER FACE clinging to him with glee. She's got it all, BUT HER face! Forgive my obvious spite due to jealousy.
And if he wants to take five steps DOWN to her level, then that's his perrogative. She's from NY and thank the Lord that she's leaving tomorrow. So even if he wanted to, he can't enjoy or initiate anymore of her company.
Wow...nobody would ever guess the feelings I'm holding now. It's so psychotic to the point that if I could have things MY way, I'd make every girl he thought pretty vanish to Bora Bora!
I know, I don't think I've ever been so jealous or affected by a guy like this. It's crazy how much I still care. I get weak when I walk into the house just knowing that that place and everything inside represents what we once had. I get almost angry just looking around knowing that It was mine only a week ago. The change is drastic and I'm having difficulties adjusting.
In a perfect world I'd truly be a cold hearted person. I'd make love, but never fall in love. I could kiss any lips without attatching myself onto them like a leech, I could look into beautiful eyes without caring whether or not they look elsewhere. I'd go into any relationship with a "take it or leave it" attitude. And now I see that the world is far from being perfect and I'm far from not caring about those who I involve myself with.