At a loss indeed and I don't see any room for improvement or progress. It's like everytime I think we are going some place further- we don't. Perhaps it's a sign; a clear hint that this isn't supposed to be happening. Sometimes I wonder...
Even though I've been spending time with Jeremy, I still haven't forgotten Jay. In all honesty I'm shocked at his reaction to me hanging/speaking with Jer. He was so upset with me on Monday afternoon I couldn't catch my breath,

"Sarah you know how much I dislike him and with everything that's happened between us I can't believe your going back, you swore you never would..."

I didn't really see how this all pertained to him in the slightest, however I thought I should appease him and try to explain to him that it was okay. Apparently it wasn't okay for him,

"I don't even want to hear anything from you, I don't think we should speak anymore. If your talking to him then your not speaking to me. Let everyone know ahead of time when your coming over so I can make the proper arrangements to get the hell out of here"

I didn't know whether to laugh,smile, or cry. It was a strange manner in which he was speaking to me and his eyes avoided mine in anger.

"Jay you mean the world to me and nobody can compare to you or change the way I feel about you..." I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know or had previously acknowledged. Finally he looked at me and we layed down on the couch and talked awhile. It's purely innocent between us but my feelings are what scares me and could be labeled as sin. I know nothing would happen between us agian but I still have feelings. We talked and laughed together that whole night, and I slept incredibly good knowing his prescence was close to me at heart. I slept holding his hand and relished in the moment dreading the idea that it would soon be over by sunrise.
Tuesday I spent some time with Jeremy, and that proved be as successful as my writing career (which is non existent). I don't know what it is or why it happens in a certain way, but he turns on me after the slightest problem. If something isn't 100%, or if there's any stipulation of doubt...he's unhappy and wants nothing at all. I was so upset at the way he sped off and left me standing alone in the parking lot...what kind of person does that and not 5 minutes later answers the phone saying nothing is wrong. I don't know what to do anymore? It gets hard to still have good emotions toward him when incidents such as those occur. But for some odd reason I can't be satisfied with myself if he's not around; I'm at a sense of unhappiness knowing that he isn't in my life.
That night I was really incredibly upset, and I called Jessica crying (which is probably another reason why Jay hates the idea of us talking) and she said she was home alone and I should come talk to her. We vegetated in her bed and while I cried she shoved tissues up my running nose and attempted to answer questions that the world has barely been able to explore. Right at the peak of my sadness and sobbing Shane and Jason walked in to find me a big red mess with my hair all frizzed and my cheecks bright pink.
They have to give me props for the performance I put on! I shot up from laying down and put on this huge smile and said,
"Hey guys!(::sobbing sobbing::) How are you..." Hey I definately gave it my all in trying to conceal how I felt, but I think the racoon eyes gave it away. Jason grew even more angry and tried blaming it on me for putting myself in the situation I'm in. I've grown to realize that I make certain decisions that appear to be so right for me, but in turn bring about that same feeling of remorse and sadness. I wish my heart to be of the most apathetic and careless so that I might never have to feel my life and my choices. How grand life would be if I could care so little for the Js in my life to the point that I could walk away from them at any given time and never look back.
He consoled me and made me laugh hard agian as if I was actually happy or something. In all honesty I think am happy around him because he makes me feel so good and care free. We don't even do anything together it's just sitting and enjoying eachothers company and I love spending the time that we did the other night and knowing that he's there for me like that. It's so stupid the things we do that we get so much pleasure out of. After about an hour of talking like a gangster, dancing, and making fun of myself I completely forgot my stress and anger. Everything in my life just faded into the back of my mind as though it was a waste basket newly emptied. I need that kind of relationship in my life, where I can go to him and not worry and have a quick pick-me-up. Not like I'm using him at all, but I really feel like he's doing good in my life in the respect of happiness. I feel like a little girl around him sometimes; as though he's there to protect me and make everything wrong in my life go right. But back to the point, I drove home with a sense of goodness and a better outlook with Jeremy.
Jeremy makes me happy and I know that he's right for me even though there's trouble in paradise right now. I get happy when we make plans and talk together about the bullshit in life. I just don't realize what I do sometimes to upset him, perhaps I ought to be more conscious of what I say/act out.
I'll definatly be working on that in the future for Jeremy...