Everyone Has A Secret...Oh Can They Keep It?

Oh no they cannot! I'll tell you mine if at first you tell me yours. But don't worry, I won't change mine if it's different from yours. Nope, not even if in the moment I realize I'd be humiliated to speak of love when you spoke of lust. I'd let my heart break into peices at your feet but still tell you the truth.

(WHOA, can we say sarcasm?)

In a perfect world I'd glance over at you and in that instant all you hold inside would be revealed as if I should have known the whole time. I'd let out three sighs of relief before leaping onto the one thing I knew was true all along.

But then agian, this is reality and when I look over at you I don't know anything besides fun. Fun and cuddeling but it ends there because I don't think I should take anything more from you if not a gift given freely. Do you even have to ask WHY? But I inhale more frusteration before leaping onto the one thing I have wanted to be true from day one.

Oh well I'll just sit here and let this l___e linger for awhile and hopefully it will decrease its intensity soon

"I Need Your Arms Around Me- I Need To Feel Your Touch"

The air show was fun- so it began my new obsession of FIGHTER JETS! It's just how my love for motorcylces came about- someone else's passion was so insatiable it grew onto me. I already have a big poster of the Blue Angels on my wall...look what he did.

So that was my saturday and now I'm in Gainesville spending time with the family for Halloween. Aren't I such a well rounded young girl?

Been two months already with Alex...where did the time run off to?

It doesn't take long for guys to fall in love with me- what's the hold up here? With jeremy I had him talking about marriage 4/5 months into it. With the other ones who I don't want to name, either still believe or definatly loved in that time. If I had guys that didn't love me, atleast they wanted to! I can think of 4 right now that tried as they could to make me stay. But I'd get up and leave after I got what I wanted- despite the OBVIOUS fact that I would serve to be their world. The over 20 year olds wanted to get married and settle down, so I got them when their light was on! (sex and the city- hypothetically a man dates and his light is never on...but when it's on(like a taxi) that means that he's willing to settle down and make a life, and the girl he finds he wants to work towards that...so O, C, J, C, just had their lights on...BIG TIME, BLINKING AND HONKING!)

It's Down To This- I've Got To Make This Life Make Sense...

I'm so stressed out it's disgusting. I had a nervous breakdown the other day I thought I might stop breathing for a moment. I am so worried about my classes and my grades...what am I doing? I have a C in psychology...!! I was so sure I did well on this past test and I got a fucking C. What the shit? So I have to get a fucking A on this next test in order to get a B in the class...or else I lose my scholarship.

Or...assuming I get an A to compensate for that C,then it's possible I can still hang in there. If I can get an A in my Education class then I'll be able to get a C in psychology. But still I'm going to study my ass off for this next and last test.

I have so much stress on me right now to do good in these classes. I didn't realize in the beginning of the term how important it was and now I'm trying to do better and be more focused than I was. I had the mindset from highschool when I first started and now I realize that's not the way to be. If I can take this on this semester than I think I can do it for the rest of my bachelor's degree.

Wish me luck

(Me and Alex are good...)

We decorated the hall for Halloween  

Jessica, Danielle and Christina in the back 

The Fountain Of Youth 

Um, thats a tree 

Spooky... 

If Ever Two Were One, Then Surely We

The weekend was better than my pessimistic thoughts predicted. I ought to start clearing things out of my head before I start freaking out.

Saturday night we saw the movie with Alex's friends...it wasn't that bad but then it wasn't that great- this coming from a scary movie critic who's rarely scared of a fabricated plot. Sunday the two of us went out to Hawthorne to have lunch with his dad and his step-mom. They live out in the woods in a beautiful house with a lot of land. It's a little like our lake house but between you and I...ours is better. The weather was nice and we had lunch outside then headed into town for a butterfly exhibit at the museum. Hey I know what your thinking, the same thing I was, but it was actually kinda nice. It was a condensed cobblestone walk/trail with bridges and rushing waters overflowing with tropical flowers and plants. It was very nice and the butterflies were amazing.

Hey had some above average sex the other day. Heard a small cry slip out of his lips and it sounded like this:

"Ohhh Sarah"

It was so hott I wanted to finish right then.

There Will Be No White Flag Above My Door...I'm In Love...Always Will Be...

I suppose I was expecting to walk into hell yesterday when he came...but I didn't. Everything was fine and he even started to laughed it off, which made me laugh unvoluntarily.

We came to my house and played with my baby Lucy and just kinda layed around. It was a long day for the both of us, and it wasn't over yet. Me, Rhonda, and Jeff headed out to Myles' baseball game. He's such a great ball player for an 8-year old it's ludarcis. He hit a double last night and struck those poor little redsox boys out! The one game I went to he was out of control! He got a pop fly with a huge dive, he hit it out the field, stole a base, and struck everyone out when he pitched!

Alex came for a little bit and then we left for a movie which ended up being sold out! Jeff and Rhonda were giving Alex a hard time in the stands while we were sitting next to eachother. He put his hand on mine and behind us we hear,

"Airman Cook! Keep it clean, I got my eyes on you"

then Rhonda decides to jump in with,

"Yeah, I need to see some air between you two- scoot aside!"

Jeff still think I'm not allowed to date boys...I guess I started to break that rule when him and my mother divorced back in the 9th grade. He definately is loving Alex though. We were talking together before Alex came to the game and he was like, "So is my son-in-law coming to the game tonight?"

Alex was a grumpy kid when I said I wanted to go home. He was so tired and I offered to just stay and he could take me home in the morning- but I guess not. EW! He was in such a mood I wanted to smack him and be like, "Don't act like that around me!" He wasn't mean...he was just nothing.

Show Me How Defenseless You Really Are...

I had a good time yesterday and then agian I had a horrible time yesterday. I had lunch with Alex and his friend which was nice. Took a walk on the beach and had a long overdue session of the unspeakable.

And then I did something very lamentable. Very very dumb. I don't know what or why I was thinking it but I did, and I classified Alex and put him in the same category as all the other Assholes I have experienced.

But the thing was, I genuinely and truly believed that Alex was doing that to me. And how could I believe that he would act in such a way as to draw tears? His actions somewhat display his feelings for me and I haven't much reason to pass judgement like I did. But I still worry and feel that actions only go sofar due to ambiguity. I need something to remember; words to resound in my head before I fall asleep at night to make me know that it's ok.

The thing was, I closed my eyes after we settled and he fell asleep so quick. And why not? He wanted to go to sleep at 8:00pm! The point was I got up, and got my things together and I said, "Ok Alex I have to go" and I got nothing. I was like,"Bye Alex" and still nothing. Why didn't I just go and rub his shoulders like I usually do? I don't know but I got so upset that I walked out and slammed the door. Then I called him, and knowing that his phone was on vibrate, when he answered I was even more offended.

But he was confused and I felt so dumb when he talked to me like, "what are you thinking?" I can't help it if I have a guard up about something like that. I wasn't so far out of line but still I guess I should have known better. I don't want him to think I'm a drama queen or seeking attention by playing games...because that's not the person I am.

Don't Let Yourself Go...Cause Everybody Cries...

I didn't think it was hard to leave your boyfriend...and then I met him. I didn't even know that girls genuinely miss their boyfriend...? Though it's refreshing after a long day to at last be alone, it's sad to me. But I think time apart is essential to a healthy relationship, but that statement does not good if a girl can't take her eyes off that special someone (don't look at me, I said GIRL, not sarah)

Thought about why I might be thinking this through differently and then there's that familiar answer of falling in... WHAT? Once that crosses my mind I'm done wondering at all...

What Do You Mean There's More To Life Than Sex...?

I got shot down. Like, out the door, tumbling over the steps and onto the ground- shot down! I was getting so hot and he was definatly getting the idea considering I could feel his desire poking into mine.

And then...the whole idea of waking up at 5:00am and working till 3:00pm must have creeped into his mind reminding him of exhuastion- which in turn cock blocked my entire night.

On the other hand, it's good and beneficial to just lay there(I guess, but beneficail for WHO?). I feel really bad and it wasn't until Rhonda said something that I finally noticed that maybe his new schedule is really hard on him. And I have to hand it to him because he's been handeling it very well, but I also shouldn't take it too rough if he's "tuckered out".



(Talking about some game)
S: I totally love Sonic The Hedgehog!!

A: WHAT?! YOU LOVE WHO?

S: I mean, I love Alex!

So there ya go, I sorta tested out the waters and though he might have thought I was kidding and I most certainly was...but I think I do. Not IN love cause that's something else but I do have love for him. But I also have love for my dog....you can't really comapre the two so don't get ahead of yourself

Look At The Stars...Look How They Shine For You

So the guy me and D have never spoken to, (but we talk/stalk him) was at lunch serving as our entertainment. He got on the phone and immediatly we look at eachother with huge eyes and say,

"What is he doing? Talkin on the phone with a smile like that it must be his girlfriend! With us in the same room it's absolute cruelty!!!"

We thought that maybe I ought to go over there and confront him because ya know we have a CONNECTION! So I rehearsed my speech

"Red-shirt guy (we don't know his name)! How could you? I thought we had something going here...? It was like, you knew me more than anyone ever did! We are one in the same...don't deny the fact that we model the pictures of forever!"

LOL...we decided he might throw his lunch tray in my face so I just let it go for the time being. I'll confront him sooner or later cause he's totally breaking my heart

(this is a joke...we over exaggerate to make ourselves laugh because we are complete losers...)

There Must Be Someplace Near That Only You & I Could Go...

Had a fabolous italian dinner tonight...Rhonda's treat to Alex and I. I honestly love how good her and Jeff always take care of me. I ofcourse had a chicken ceaser (what else would I get?) and the two of them got real italian food.

Rhonda spoke of taking me out to Montana to our condo to go skiing. I've never been but there is a three story condo right in the middle of a ski resort so how great would it be to spend a few days out there?? Ironically...she invited Alex.

That's in March/April! Don't misunderstand my confusion- it's great to have high hopes for the future with Alex and I but I don't want to push my luck with having him take off time months from now. And to be honest I don't know how and if he feels about her asking that. I'm probably looking far too deeply into the light invitation but still I don't know exactly what to think. It kinda reminds me of something that a SERIOUS couple would do...(I'd love to be serious but I doubt his intentions on that one) When Rhonda said that I was like, uh..seems like something an egaged couple would take part in- Just kinda weirded me out

EW! Rhonda fucking called him JEREMY. WHOA! How embrassing. Like Myles would always yell out the wrong guy's name when I was on the phone and I'd get into to trouble but this was way worse. The word touched my ears and I flinched then it hit my heart because Jeremy isn't in my life anymore and I hate comparisons.

Probably the one thing I won't ever understand about relationships is the change. Most go through a drastic change and each partner wonders, "where the fuck was the one I met a few months ago?" How can two people be so totally wrapped up in eachother suddenly go bad? I don't understand at all. I could see from the beginning each and every one of my future break-ups. When I met them, I saw it. (except dan- that was fucking out of left field) Each person I dated had some flaw or there was something in me that wasn't right so I knew it wouldn't last. With Alex...I don't see any of that. Sometimes I feel like it's too good to be true.

"Somethins Gotta Go Wrong Cause I'm Feelin Way Too Damn Good"

What a remarkable statement.

The Joy You Find Here You Borrow (for the time being...)

It's not a selfish/selfless issue to say the least. Don't get me wrong...I want nothing more than to give it all to you. Though one finds pure trust with time and an intense feeling of security. It almost won't be given to you for keeps until I'm most certain. I say given lightly only because what you take is yours! Given, as a gift from my heart to yours.

Understand the difference?

I had another nightmare...well hold on that's an understatement- I had a night terror. It was the worst but no different than any other night I suppose. It's becoming difficult to want to sleep now. I see the contradiction of who I am, almost like my dreams are trying to tell me how easily I will give in to what I'm so agianst. I dreamt of deception and though it was all in the palm of my hands, it happened. I remember saying no while doing my part, and I distinctivly recall thinking to myself that this would be the last time and I would stop. I promised myself and to God that it would never happen...never. And that promise was resounding in my head till I woke up. Am I going insane here?
Nothing in this world will make me do the things I do in my dreams.

I think the dream mostly came from our conversation over dinner last night. I asked if he worried about that sort of thing (which I didn't think it crossed his mind) and he said that he did because it happened to him. Though we both agree it should be the least of each of our worries- how vaild are our statements? Mine I can assure is quite real...but how can I tell? If I waste my time worrying about Alex with some other girl I promise that will be the end of us. Images like those make people crazy with wonder and try to drive out answers to questions that don't exist. Eventually somebody will get tired of relentless defending and nothing will the destruction of everything.

How long can you go before you finally trust someone? How far into conversations does it take to realize that yes, he's telling me the truth and I shouldn't worry. (Speaking purely hypothetically opposed to personally) Some people just don't find that point in their relationship which leads to probably a reason why some people just can't be in relationships. I think I've feared that I'll end up alone simply because I'm so worried and pushy. I want the middle of my life, which to me is like the start of the rest of it, to be now. I want to meet that person and start a life with someone else instead of alone. I'm not saying that I'm trying to make Alex to be the one I want to marry and be with forever, but if I didn't see myself with SOMEONE LIKE him in the future I wouldn't date him. (I don't want to waste my time or his) Who knows who I will end up with, and for now I don't exactly care too much...but Alex makes me happy and that is definatly a start to understanding what I might want out a person.

OH MY GOSH IT'S A RED ONE! 

With Looks That Seem To Enter Me Like A Tremendous Shot Of Puerto Rican Rum...

9:30am was my wake up call...I tried to fall back asleep but after walking the hour to the bathroom and hour back- It just wasn't happening. This whole community bathroom is about as cool as AIDS. I read some of my psychology for a good 2 minutes before throwing to the ground with a sigh of desperation, "Not like I will retain any of the information anyways right?". RIGHT! (That's the spirit)

I decided to get up and oddly enough- get ready? Even I didn't know what I was getting pretty for, but I was working diligently until I was interrupted by the phone ringing. The conversation went as followed:

A(obviously Alex): Can I please talk to Sarah Price please?

S: This is Sarah can I ask who's calling?

A: This is Alex and I want to take you out today- It's a suprise so be ready in about a half hour

Hey, I didn't even know he was capable of doing something so SWEET! I guess if you really knew inside of our relationship, my repetitive request from him was actually the one I was to finally get. I would always ask him and he'd reply with, "Well Sarah to tell you the truth- I don't know if your at that point in the relationship. One day I will take you" <--- which of course was complete exaggeration and a joke. But we got on the Interstate heading north this morning so I was really curious as to where he was taking me...until I saw the HUGE brown sign on the side of the road:

"Jacksonville Zoo- Next Right"

lol...I was finally going to the Zoo!!! Don't act like you don't think it's the cutest date ever, because we had such a great time and it's seriously like the best idea. The two of us are really goofy and joke a lot so we had so much fun in the gift shop with the crazy hats, and all the puppets and toys. And every exhibit Alex was like, "Oh my gosh" as he looked in the cage and then back at me saying, "Oh I was like, how did you get in there? Man you look just like that thing" Fucker...I don't look anything like a monkey. It was really a fun time though. We went into this huge bird cage where there are like 75 birds and they land on you and you can feed them. The lady warned us though, "Do not try to touch the red birds, and do not move quickly if they land on you- they are very agressive and will harm you" We were kinda scared but we took the nectar and walked in where Alex was happily greeted by 5 birds- one of which just so happened to be a red one! Oh my gosh it was so effing funny to see his reaction, I was like

"Oh my gosh!!! Alex it's a red one on your shoulder- don't move!!!!"

He was just standing there, the poor guy, with this look like, "get me the F out of here now" but he was also laughing though scared to peices. My stomach was in so much pain from laughing so hard.

We spent a good 4 hours there and then back to the Navy Base to rest and put in a movie. Then I decided that I should take him out to Carrabbas... mmmmm! So now here I am left with sweet reminders of his colgne rising from his sweatshirt. (I'm so effing lame) I really am feeling myself attatched to him and I think I should...STOP IT!!!

So my friends think Alex is so hott- I like it when my friends agree with me on my BF. We came here before dinner and my roommate and her friend was in here- so they highly approve.

If Paradise Called, I'd Rather Be Here (Damn...that's a good one- thanks)

Alex and I had an extremely early night last night. We went to sleep at 9:00pm...um...yeah. I don't know how to rid myself of these dreams either. I'm going to stop telling Alex that's for sure cause it just makes me look dramatic or something ya know. But I dreamt that I left his room in the barrecks and when I was on my way back, I started running- except I ran into someone else's room...? I looked around and heard voices so I headed for the door yelling, "woops wrong room! sorry!"
After that it kinda jumped to my living room couch at home with Alex questioning me,

"Are you comfortable in this relationship (yes) "
"Do you like being with me (of course) "
"Maybe if you didn't blab so much about nothing, it would benefit you ( blab? what kinda word is that?) "
"I think I'm going to need a couple weeks to think..."
"Maybe we should take a break"

Ugh! I woke up with that same feeling in the pit of my stomach making it's way up to my heart. I need to stop fearing that it's not going to work out and then hopefully my dreams will go away. I can't imagine though what I would do if that really did happen. I'm not going to go crazy but, surely I would be upset. I'm not with him just for fun, though that is certainly what I had hoped for it to be. I thought in the beginning that maybe it would be something casual- despite my wishes agianst it. I want a serious relationship but I expect less of that from guys. I don't even know what my own boyfriend wants...?

How do you think that feels?

(we aren't fighting or anything, and things are good...i'm just upset that i cant figure things out when and how i want to...thats the pushy/selfish side of me)

Cold Hearted Bitch- Your Just A Kiss On The Lips...
(true that)

It's crazy to notice myself and how easily frusterated I am, and then to watch me around something that means so much to me. I'm a brat/bitch/princess-whatever you want to call it, it's all the same to me. And lately, as saddening as it is, I've really come to notice. Though I'm not nearly as terrible as I used to be when I was younger I still snap out of sweetness in a heartbeat and tear down anything with a single look. And that's rude! I don't want to be the girl who creates unnecessary drama over her salad dressing being out at the salad bar...(but seriously, it did ruin my day cause I was desperately looking forward to it)

I asked for a double cheeseburger today in the cafeteria and they guy gave me a single cheeseburger. Okay no problem, but I guess I was bitchy about it and so my double cheeseburger was freaking GROSS. Lol the guy musta been like, "fuck her, I'm not cooking this second burger". Oh my gosh, I bit into it and it was like jello- no joke. I got so pissed but it was funny cause my friend's burger was just fine. And my fries were gross but hers were crispy and crunchy.

Sometimes I feel like I handle the situation just fine but then I get confused when people tell me I'm a little on the bitchy side.

I guess that just means I have to take extra precaution to better take care of annoying situations (like when the server at my favorite restaurant forgets to give my table bread, and then when I ask him he gives me a look like, "who the fuck are you talking to"...I probly shouldn't shoot back a, "go fucking do your job and wait on me" look and give him a one dollar tip on a 15 dollar tab....god that was mean but Tiffany did it too)

Anyways I have just been thinking about that kinda stuff today. I'm also having trouble with my faith. I had such a crazy philosophy class about proving the existence of God and the Bible...that I've come to realize that there really isn't any scientific proof for God or the validity of the Bible..it's all a leap of faith. You dare to argue with me on this topic and I will effing tear you to peices, so don't even embarass yourself by giving me a line of crap on prophecies and ancient history from "wise men". Cause whereas I do believe that this universe is designed in such a way that evolution is a retarded theory- I am still undecided on the WHO part. I'm gonna put those arguements in here soon, so be wary and ready to be offended if you strongly believe in God.

"Love Isn't That Hard To Find"

Are you fucking kidding me? Love is the most difficult thing I have ever searched in vain for. And if love is anything like the way I feel when your lips caress mine, or the feeling in my stomach that doesn't leave me until a good 5 minutes into our time-

I'll Never Wonder Agian.

And who says that I can't love someone after such short notice? Who even dares to tell me that love wasn't in my heart the morning after we met. Because it was not as strong as it is now, doesn't mean that there wasn't an intense inclination of something more than a crush.

But still I'm effortless in regards to poetry according to him. That doesn't mean anything...I never wrote of anything happy in my life unless for some assignment. Joyful poetry does nothing for me and gives no inspiration. Maybe the second I can write something good would be a sign about the way I feel...? Yeah, I think that's a crazy notion too...

I talked to my close friend from highschool. He was a year older than us, but his best friend was my girlfriend's boyfriend. We were a foursome for so long and everyone thought we'd get together. After all, we were one in the same.

Well-known (he was way more popular than me though)
LOUD
Goofy
Playful
CRAZY

The list goes on, we went to the gym together, dinner together, movies...you name it we did it. But we never kissed and we never held hands. It just wasn't like that for me...but he was in love and would have leaped at the opportunity for an "us". Anyways I was smitten with a loser from High Springs so my topic of conversation was that asshole and his was his ex-girlfriend. No matter how sad or upset I was...I ended up going home the happiest girl. I laughed for hours with him, and for me to say I smiled the whole time would be an understatement. So we never got together but I spoke with him today and he is so happy it's disgusting. He's been with him GF for well over a year now and our conversation went as followed:

S: Is my Dun Dun boy?

R: Is the girl I took to my senior prom???

S: Yes sir...how are you

::buncha bull shit then the topic of BF/GF::

R: I could never stay away from my girlfriend for too long, when she goes to college I'm going with her

S: That's great, I'm so happy for you. Do you think about marriage?

R: Sarah...I promise you that I WILL marry her...I know I will

Can anyone else imagine that feeling of security and permanence? Not to mention the intense idea of confidence in the words spoken. Some people say they hope, and wish...but I love the way that he feels in control of their relationship and everything is MUTUAL. It means nothing to nobody if it's a one sided ordeal..but I don't doubt that it would happen. He's the type of guy who would give her the world...

I'm almost positive he will.

Unfortunately Our "Love" Was A Decimal; With The Figure Remaining Constant But The Value Getting Less And Less...

Yeah that's all good and true but here is what I found despite that saddening statement. I had to go into an elementary class this morning to observe and take notes for my education class. I was in a huge rush so I grabbed the only notebook I could find. I was so scattered and flustered that it wasn't until I got into the classroom and realized how BORING it was, that I looked down to see pictures with familiar smiles. I saw a huge clipping of a motorcycle and right then remembered how I put that motorcycle over another picture because I could no longer bear to look at my naive smile and his corrupting grin. It was my poetry book...filled with numerous accounts of stupidity which lead to my callous ways not so long ago. I opened the book and it seemed like a lifetime had passed since I wrote all of those words. There was so many that brought back so much, I couldn't remember the last time I looked at these writings. The beginning consisted of life before Jeremy and at the end I found him. And that's where my title derived from as well as the poem that I tried to write. Tried because I write out of truth and this one has little or nothing to do with that. I'm sure I wanted it to be true in many ways but when I read this I knew that there was something wrong in my head at the time....

LONG DISTANCE

I'm gazing at this ever-so depressing map in desperation

My lonely eyes are following the long, monotonous road north to my fate- to the beathing model of my destiny

And all I seem to notice are the miles and bridges running hastily towards you-
For you

Like my heart filled with madness-

It's deep drumming drives on, warning of anxiousness at a speed I caim too slow

That sound fades easily as I go further till only a mere murmer, as the trees and winds unfortunately blanket it.

That silence and stillness violently shakes my daydreaming thoughts out of my mind and back into reality, and the truth of which I surround myself in:

Solitary Confinement

And after that wonderful excursion of roaming as I please-

I feel like a mere pin-point on an infinite atlas; just another landmark blending in on the face of the Earth.

Eternity stretches off into obscurity

Your image seen only from a dazed viewpoint; where your face is forever feature-less.

Is that believable? That sounds like a poem I would write through tears for Alex. And this was written, laminated, and decorated for someone I knew would never come close to my heart in that manner. Don't get me wrong, my heart burns for the healthy, friendly relationship we had...but not romantically.

Anyhow, it struck me so that I knew I had to publish it.

If You Can Dream, And Not Make Dreams Your Master...

The nightmares haven't stopped ya know. The night before I dreamt that Alex broke up with me in the worst manner- cold, hurtful, and unbending. I remember struggeling like I did with Jason to get him to listen and look at me. I wanted him to look into my eyes and know that this isn't fake and see me as he did days before. But with Jason...he never saw me any way so fighting with him to love me was a losing battle.
I recall trying to pull him into my chest, to feel my heart...but Alex wouldn't even look me in the eye let alone being caught touching me. It was so real the emotion I had when I woke up. I opened my eyes to pure hell and I knew that this wasn't an ordinary love. I was so stressed and even telling myself that it was a dream was useless. Finally after like 5 minutes of coaxing myself into relaxation, I came back to normality. Why does that happen to me?
I came home today and slept for about an hour and a half...but it was an emotional nap. I dreamt that Alex was on the phone in the other room and I could hear her pleading to him, "Alex I hate when you leave me, I miss you so much". I heard that from his cell phone and knew it wasn't me on the other end. Then he said he was leaving to go to the mall to get me flowers...and that phone call was as real as my writing ability( basically i forgot about it). Which is so true of me, because I'm a very cautious person but the second I receive sweet attention all of that goes away and I believe anything. I don't know what to make of all these dreams but they definatly aren't new. I haven't posted all of the things I dream about him. And they are never good...never. Always about my worst fears and worries. I guess sooner or later I will have to come to the realization that what I fear isn't him. But who knows...who ever knows right?

And There Inside My Private War, I Died The Night Before...

I think it's over. You can lift your arms up over your head and stop trying to salvage your mind;there's no need for safety procations any longer. Get up from underneath the bed, not a need for fear in regards to the world crashing down upon you...or the one you and I might so delightfully care about agianst our own strong wills.

You died the night before when he held you and you knew there wasn't any place in this world you'd rather be. After that feeling in your heart didn't subside for days, it was like death to me and maybe you too.

Death because it's the LAST and very WORST thing that could ever happen. I understand...despite the fact that I know I'm down doesn't make us any different.

I know what your thinking....

The Same Rose That Smiles Today- Tomorrow Will Be Dying

Once you understand that "nothing gold can stay" is a 50/50 statement, we might start to allow growth and prosperity within us. Look at our confused, contradicting words and compare them to IMMATURITY.

Sorry darling but our hearts don't know any different until we give them an idea.

You know who you are

I Saw My Reflection In A Window- Didn't Recognize Myself

Here is the girl who previously posted her certainty and now remains as a walking contradiction. I'll beat myself up about it till I forget what pain is.

Though my conscious serves as the primary retribution, my imagination trails closely behind. I see horrible scenes that could bring my world crashing down upon me...and it's all because of a boy.

Things will be different this is a promise. Mind sets have certainly changed and view points have done a 180. I see relationships and love in a whole new perspective now that I realize the truth of my heart. If I can bear to hear the truth I speak of then I know I've learned a lesson and I know that I shall grow from this day forward.

I just have move on, I'm not a senior in high school anymore and I'm not the girl who used to be dependent on another. I don't need to hold on and use the past as an excuse...I'm done. We are both done and it took an interesting conversation to reach a mutual consensus, a hug to seal the deal, and a prayer for both of us.

I think the person that matters most knows too, He can see past lies and into the heart and soul...I'm not lying this time. I promise

Here I Go...So Dishonestly...Leave A Note...For You My Only One...

Well I didn't take any pictures of me and Alex! I'm so dumb- this I already know. But I forgot cause we were so busy and what not. I've yet to have a really good picture of the two of us.

Here is what I learned:
That Alex is far more different than I ever imagined, and it took one action to prove this true. I cried even harder when I realized what was going on with myself. Put it to you THIS way...I used to be heartless/cruel/GUILTLESS...but not anymore. I thought I could do whatever I wanted behind anyone's back without worrying about it. This isn't some relationship I can label "perfect" just because I want to. Nor is Alex just another guy to say, "Oh my gosh, no for real, he's the one". I just wish I knew then what I know now about the differences between infatuation/temptation and opportunity/love. If I knew how to decipher between the two I would not have written some of the things I wrote about Jason, or told my sister the things about Snipper or Gavin! Those can't be real and it's the most obvious thing to me now.

With Alex....its "Fragile As A Leaf In Autumn- Just Fallin' To The Ground...Without A Sound"
Mark my words on this one...I will never make a wrong decision or put myself in any compromising position that could lead to the termination of my present situation (I'm not saying that I always am, but I'm just stating a fact)

Brian is in the red shirt...WHAT A STUD 

Friday night at the show...me and the infamous Denny Suanders 

What is the girl in the black thinking...? Does she not have a mirror? 

Gimme a smooch... 

Me and my Tiffany... 

He's cute for 16... 

Me and my "future brother"...kidding- its my mother's boyfriend's son... 

The Grass Is Always Greener...?

I thought that once one was identified as a certain stereo-type that was it. I was labeled too and I thought I was able to act the part. And now look at me...my sister would be ashamed as well as all the single ladies keepin it real out there.

I went to USF last night. Introduced myself to a good handful of eligible bachelors(how do you spell that?) and went home alone. My friends at UNF would be embarassed of me. But you know what, even though they were really cute and fun to hang out with, I always kept Alex in mind and my feelings never lead me astray towards temptation or desire. Not Once...?

And when Tiff was spitting out the names to these beautiful boys, they smiled and asked me why I was back home for the weekend

S: "Among other things, my boyfriend is meeting my mom and we are having this big dinner with a number of friends and family"

For one of them it was a smack in the face and I don't know about the others. We all went out to Carrabbas (MY CHOICE) and then back to Tiffany's dorm (which is like a house). They were getting ready to go to this party and I fell asleep on the bed with Tiffany and the cute guy-Juliane. I seriously passed out for like 25 minutes and then I got up and left for home.

I don't care for Tiffany's new friends. She and I both acknowledged that they are definatly, "Different". The guys are pretty cool though. Like the girls wear retarded, skanky clothes (No undercover sluts over there) and act like really immature. One of the girls is supposedly a good girl and a virgin- so they dressed her in a skirt and low cut shirt...ok no problem. But the fucking scene she was making was driving me to violence! And the thing that made it so incredibly gay was that it was obvious she was enjoying the attention/wanting to get a lot of attention:

Annoying Girl: Oh my god, I don't want my boobs to show
AG: I can't believe I'm wearing this (neither could I)
AG: ::putting her jacket on, zipping it up to her neck, AND putting the hood over her head...IN the restaurant:: I feel so exposed, hehehe, I'm a good girl

Shut the fuck up douche bag! The guy next to me was like,

Hott Guy: You look like your mad

S: No I'm not mad...

HG: How old are you anyways? 21, 22?

S: ::laughing hysterically while slapping Tiffany to get her attention:: You hear that Tiffany? He thinks I'm almost 22 years old.

T: No but she looks older cause of the way she acts and dress

S: Basically that means that MOST women prefer to carry themselves in a more sophisticated manner rather than giggling like idiots all the time...and I think most guys can appreciate a mystery

HG: Your definatly 22

Ok don't get me wrong, I'm no snob who doens't want to have fun...but I guess they are just annoying. I am the most crazy girl ever so I do like to drop it like its hot every once in awhile ya know...
There was a group of guys outside as we were walking to get some drinks on campus and they were talking spanish, and they were like,

"Buenos Dias Senoritas"

and so I bust out the spanish 1 skills with,

"Me gusta pappas fritas! Ya?" (I like french fries...looking for agreement)

Yeauh! I laughed, they laughed...but those girls didn't think it was that funny. That's ok, they must have a trashy sense of humor too.
I took a lot of pictures so I will post them when I get back to Jacksonville...

Sweet Home...Dunedin?

It's always right when I briefly awake to get terribly comfortable when the alarm goes off...and the two of us were sound asleep tucked in so tight I wanted to lay a hammer on that clock. Alex flipped the switch for silence and began feeling around to rest his hands on my neck, then finding my cheecks to press his lips gently upon them (I was really shocked that he did that though). He's generally cordial in the morning, and given the right circumstances (meaning I've already awaken to brush my teeth and deodarize myself) I'm really sweet too.

Driving back to school I played tug of war with the ideas of going home now, or going to class. Go home now? Or go to two classes; one of which lasts 3 hours...? Damn it was a tough choice indeed, so here I am in Dunedin. I lucked out in a big way in regards to my literature class- we had a quiz today. I told my teacher via e-mail my mom was terminally ill or something like that, so he said that considering the circumstances I could make it up on Tuesday. Thank God...

Tonight I am heading up to University of South Florida to hang out with Tiffany and her new friends. She said there was some kind of band thing playing there...whoo hoo. I'm not really a "band groupie" type girl, but for some reason I keep finding myself at shows. Tomorrow I am going to my friend Brian's show (he's so good!!!!) at this bar in Clearwater. I am taking my mom's BF's son (hes like 16) with all of my friends so it should be interesting. He's a fun kid, and he's in love with me so that's always a riot. Last time I was in town I went to Brian's show for the first time and oh my gosh, they are so good, and I want to bang the lead singer(well i did but not anymore). He's ridiculousy gorgeous...like I don't even know if those kind of looks are legal?

I can't wait till Alex gets his car...I hope everything he says about this cobra thing is true. I'll just be glad to be a passenger in someone else's car for once.

Alex...

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

So your the one I want to chase

Your the one I want to hold

I won't let another minute go to waste

I want you and your soul...

-Jesse McCartney

Am I a Fuck up...Or am I a Fuck up?

Before I elaborate on what a genius I am...can I just say that these Quaker Corn Cakes are really good? My grandma calls them rice cakes and I used to make fun of her in my head for eating such a silly thing, but seriously they are really good.

Ok...yesterday I walked into my Philosophy class, turned in my paper and walked out. I was way too hungry to sit through that class so I opt for lunch with the ladies. Never did I know that the day I skipped was the day we had the review for that huge test I completely forgot about. Oh My God....

I walked into class this morning to see everyone looking at notes and index cards...? "Strange...", I thought to myself before observing just what they were intently reading.

I seriously bombed that test. I knew maybe half of the material and some of it was poorly worded. Dammit...

Alex had called me so I was able to express my deep remorse to his idle ears. I'm beginning to notice that he kinds does listen, and he sometimes asks questions:

S: "Alex! I didn't know like 3 of the long answer questions and that is literally 25 points"

A: "I'm sorry...did you know any of the material? Did you know some of them well enough to know you got the points?"

That's sweet because I know how interesting failing philosophy is to him...(about a .5 on a scale of 1 to 10) Anyways...me and Danielle are going to eat and then most likely I'm going to bake myself on the beach. I just want to lay down in the sand and relax! I need to study for Lit but I can do that before 10:30pm tonight.

I NEED A TRIPLE QUARTER POUNDER CHEESEBURGER WITH LARGE FRIES....and a diet coke cause I'm trying to watch my weight ya know?

This Was No Ordinary Walk Down In The Park...

I walked swiftly with the breeze tonight, watching my shadow grow taller then fall behind with each passing street light. I analyzed myself...I could see my curly bun with tendrils running wild with the wind, from there I noticed the outline of my big hoop earrings. I never wear big hoops but these past two days I haven't taken them off to save my life, I even gawked at the chiropracter this afternoon when he asked me to remove them. "Remove them?", I thought silently in my head, "and abandon the sexy vibe that it gives me and every man who walks past to see them sway and tangle with my hair?"
But I did take them out for fear of him noting of my craziness on that peice of paper he always writes on.
I saw my frame...oh how funny it looks in shadow that I laughed and worried that people passing in the hall way didn't perceive as I did. My love handles are absolutely out of control, and I wondered from there did my frame satisfy my boyfriend?

Maybe, and maybe not.

In my mind, I pictured him as he was last night. Eyes squeezed tight, lips help captive by his gripping teeth from satisfaction- atleast I could kinda tell then he was satisfied.
I pictured him touching me there, and there...and here. And soon that I-feel-quesy-in-a-good-way sensation tumbled in my stomach and I envisioned the two of us doing the same. As movie cliche as it seems my arousing thoughts were interrupted by some dumb fuck college guy beeping his horn at me while screaming, "Go Girl!"
(Hey atleast I was walking/jogging while that lathargic fuck was driving)

Things To Remember:
::I think I might choose sex as my cardiovascualr workout instead of serious distance walking::

Can't I Just Sleep Through Your Fun?

Uhhh mother fucker...I seriously and totally do not want to leave this bed. I left my room at 3:00 for my apt. and it's 5:30 once I finally lay down. Has it occured to anyone that I have been going non stop since 6:00am? I'm exhausted...

On the verge of letting someone know that he needs to lay off and when I say BOYFRIEND that doesn't mean SINGLE. Ew, how desperate does someone have to be to try and mack (middle school term) on a taken girl...and ME for that matter.

be proud!

because I am a totally reformed woman. sometimes I worry about myself and credibility but all I have to do is think of him and those deceitful thoughts fade away.

In a perfect world I'd never leave his sight just to be sure

Waited Too Long For That...

Oh my cock...oh my cock...

I figured as of now with the ways things are going I had to take control of the situation if I wanted anything remotely MAGICAL to happen- so I I took matters into my own hands and got my own orgasm.

Noo...I wasn't alone in the act, I just mean I did all the work- which might I add is very rare for me since I'm so selfish in regards to sex. (Kinda-Not really)

Well we talked a lot last night and that was good, we had a good night all in all. I met him at the front gate as usual last night and he got out of the car, and he chased me around the car before finally grabbing me into a huge hug. I missed him so much it was so great to hear his voice in my ear and his hands on my legs.

A: I waited all night to do this (hands squeezing my legs)

He is like, the best boyfriend I have ever had in my life. So much more than anyone just because of the way he makes me feel and what he brings out in me. I would do anything, and I mean anything just to spend time with him. Take a look at the sacrifices I am making to spend what time we do! Nobody else could make me stay up late just for a few hours when I have to get up early as fuck.

I'm so falling for him and my only problem is that I don't want to go down alone. It also occured to me that sometimes I wish I never met Alex. Not because I don't like him because it's apparent I'm more than liking him...but because I'm so scared of everything that goes on between us. I feel so worried that I'm gonna "fall in love and find my heart face down"...it's the hugest thing to me. I am soo blessed and so lucky to have Alex but at the same time I'm so afraid that I'll fall in love and lose it all.

Let's never repeat this stupidity for my reputation's sake. Ofcourse I'm a girl and so I think of my boyfriend like that, but c'mon sarah...get over it

School is fucking bull shit. I worked so damn hard for all these due dates and assignments that I had these past 3 days and it turned to shit. I don't know what happened...

Fucking Driving me Crazy

Ugh...

I have this theory- there are certain girls within a sorority that are decently tolerable, and then there are the girls who never fit in before and are exploding from the all the exposure and recognition. Yeah...lunch today with sorority girls and my friends, obviously, are tolerable. This particular girl however, isn't even TRAINABLE. Here is a sample conversation from the table today

Annoying Girl: Oh my god! Like, me and Jenny went to the Sigma Chi party and it was "Golf for Bros and Tennis Hoes"...she had a tennis outfit and I wore these stripper heels, and I was the hoe! Get it?

S: Ohhh...

AG: Yeah, everyone thought we were so funny

S: I'm sure they did

AG: Yeah so this wekend is OFFICIALLY Chi Phi weekend, me and Jenny are gonna party it up with them every night!

E: Did you hear about the party that SEA is putting on Friday? It's "Sue em' or screw em"

AG: Oh my god!!! How fun...(dialing jenny's number) 'Jenny! Ok so this weekend is not officially Chi Phi because SEA is having a party so can we post pone Chi Phi till Saturday?

Yeah...after all of that (and there is much more) we were all MORE than ready to leave the table. What the fuck posesses a person to become so annoying and clingy???

Um, psych test went terrible. I'll be THRILLED if I pass it. I definatly studied but I just didn't retain the information at all. Next time I promise myself an A. I found Rich this morning walking to the book store and he bought me a scantron for the test- he caught me up on his drama and how things were going for him. He's a nice kid, I let him cheat off of me for the test but I really don't think it would do him any good at all.

Me and Danielle are goin on a COVERT OPERATION! There are some cool posters all over school just chillin...and we are definatly going all out secret agent to obtain them all. We have a blank wall in our room and we want to make it a "LOVE/ROMANCE" themed wall. The posters are like white with pink and red and purple that say "What is Love?" and "Que es El Amor?" Very cute...

Did some shopping tonight and dyed my beautiful locks black...

I'm heading off to bed but as I was doing some analysis of my poetry from another site (Visualsarahj.blogspot.com) I figured I'd check up on you.

I can't say that I've been there, nor can I say that I understand...

But giving one's trust is a UNIVERSAL worry as well as a doubt. Never have I been physically hurt by anyone, but I believe that emotional damage and physical are along the same lines. Your bruises will fade, but those memories are everlasting. One day if you slowly let it creep into your life, someone will prove to you that it doesn't have to be the way you fear it is.

I don't trust anyone for a second. I second guess my own mother and question situations like no other. With guys..it's a whole other game. I rarely believe in anything spoken, and I make radical assumptions in my head based on a pattern from the past.

I just want to tell you I'm Sorry. I know it's not much consolation at this point but I've been there. I was once the girl who slept with one guy and left two minutes after to go to another bed. It was bad but I felt good. I felt like I finally had control over the game. It was like, they weren't fucking me over, I was playing them. While I did all the promises and sweet talking, they were looking intently into my lying eyes with a FALSE SENSE SECURITY. It was about time anyways, that they experience what I felt. But when some came crying back with complaints of needing more than sex, and wanting something serious...I didn't feel guilty. I should have and I was a little bit sorry...but not enough to stop.

Until I had a reason to...I let it happen because that feeling in my heart told me it might be something good for a change. Who knows if he's good or not...I worry everyday about being hurt and broken hearted. That thought never leaves my mind

But you'll never know unless you try right

So sorry

Thesis(T): Gay Marriage is moral

Argument 1:

Barbara p1) Gay marriage creates the greater good
A IS B p2) Creating the greater good is moral(ut)
B IS C T) Gay marriage is moral
A IS C

A= Gay marriage
B= Creating the greater good
C= Moral


OBJECTION: p1 is false because this particular type of marriage puts too much stress on society’s view of a cliché marriage.
REPLY1: Society is not a partner in the relationship therefore needs not to worry
REPLY2: Society hasn’t the right to pick and choose what a “typical” marriage ought to consist of

Argument 1a:

Barbara p3) Gay marriage makes happiness within the relationship
A IS B p4) Making happiness within the relationship creates the
B IS C greater good
A IS C p1) Gay marriage creates the greater good

A= Gay marriage
B=Creates happiness within a relationship
C= Creates the greater good


OBJECTION: P4 is false because two homosexuals are happy at everybody else’s expense
Reply1: It is rare that two people make a decision together that satisfies everyone’s needs (basically not everyone will be happy no matter what)

Argument 2:

Modes Tallens p1) If discrimination against gay marriage doesn’t create the
A-àB greater evil then imposing on someone else’s life is moral
-B p2) Imposing on someone else’s life is immoral
-A T) Discrimination against gay marriage creates greater evil

A= Discrimination against gay marriage creates greater evil
B= Imposing on someone else’s life is immoral

OBJECTION: Thesis is false because it isn’t evil for people to voice their opinion
Reply1: It isn’t evil to voice one’s opinion until it imposes on or offends another person



Argument 2a:

Barbara p3) Imposing on another’s person’s life is forcing them to try
A IS B to live by something they don’t agree with
B IS C p4) Forcing someone to try and live by something they don’t
A IS C agree with is immoral
p2) Imposing on another person’s life is immoral
A= Imposing on another person’s life
B= Forcing someone to try and live by something they don’t agree with
C= Immoral

COUNTERARGUMENT:
Barbara p1) Gay marriage is going against the word of God
A IS B p2) Going against the word of God is immoral
B IS C T) Gay marriage is immoral
A IS C

A= Gay Marriage
B= Going against the word of God
C= Immoral

OBJECTION: Not everyone prays to the same God, nor does everyone believe in God therefore it cannot be a basis of right and wrong

One Day I'll Shove His Face In Shit

Who the fuck does he think he is? You don't do the immature things he does, even when your 22 years old. Don't fucking call me up from a number I don't know(so I will answer) telling me that you want to take your girlfriend out to the Restaruant I worked at for a year, wondering what time they close on Sunday. It's a fact that almost every restaruant closes no earlier than 8:00pm on Sundays so WHY are you asking me? 411 is a great thing...a phone book is even better.

Dammit the whole idea of his voice touching my ears just puts me in a terrible mood. I'm almost 110% positive that I'm happier than he will ever be but I don't call him from crazy numbers to tell him. I DONT CALL HIM AT ALL

I used to listen to it, let it penetrate my ears while I frowned in disapointment. I used to BELIEVE him when he labeled me and called out my entire existence with a few words (miserable slut...or something along those lines). He said I'd forever be the unmentionable, untruthful things.


Anyways...I had such a great weekend. Sunday night Alex asked me to go to the movies with his dad and step mom...so that was fun. He really loves his dad and that part of his family, that's very apparent. We saw The Forgotten...it was okay. I wouldn't go racing to see it becuase the ending wasn't well explained. It was GREAT until...until It ended.

We went back to my house to get my stuff and his laundry...and my parents absolutely love him. Rhonda had a few girlfriends over and one of them is a gourmet chef; she made lasgna with real italian cheese and garlic bread the RIGHT way. She had the most disgustingly huge ring on her finger. It was bigger than Rhonda's (and that's like 2 carots as the solitare with about one carot total surrounding it). I promise you this ring was atleast 3 and a half...it was horribly big. I would never ever wear it.

Hey guess who went DOWN TOWN on Sarah? Oh yeah...it was great. I can never actually finish from that, but it feels absolutely blissful.

I asked Alex what he wanted and got that "ew" type answer. I just want him to know that he doesn't need me for sex. He can have so many girls and leave me alone. I'm not the type of girl who can be in a relationship involving intimacy and just allow to be lead on. I can't just walk away from that after I'm thrown away.

Wonder if he'll go off like Jason did. This is what Jason used to do

S: So your still coming over this evening right?

J: Um yeah I guess I can after I go for a "ride"

S: Well how long will that be?

J: I don't know I guess you'll find out when I show up at your house. I don't want to tell you a time in case I lose track of it

What a guy


*Hey I was wondering...do you think you can base love on time? I've felt like this since day one...is that possible- for me especially? For the girl who needs nothing from nobody and seeks no help for anything?*

I talked to my father last night. Washington State sounds appealing to me these days. I asked him if I might come for Christmas (if mom's bank account permits it)....then it hit me:

Who's house? When can I see whom? How will that feel to me?

It will never be the same ever agian. I can't bare the thought of commuting to see the other half of my broken family. I have a picture in my room at home with everyone together at the dinner table for thanksgiving...I know that picture is false now. Not one, but two seperate tables do they sit at today, and pray seperate prayers having little to do with eachother. Naturally each keeps a big part within their soul forever...but it's living each day for their individuality, not unity. Doesn't that sound so wrong?

He Calls To Tell Me Useless Information

But I don't know about you girls...I like it.

We did the whole Meet The Parents thing last night. (we each met one side of them anyways) I have already met them but we all had dinner at his mother's house. Alex was in the most foul mood...

DAMMIT HAVE TO GO SHOPPING! I WILL BE BACK TO FINISH THIS...

(Ok, I got a pair of Gap pants, and a long sleeve shirt...a ralph lauren floral long sleeve...espirit cardigan...and a Gap sweater...this is the good life)

Anyways...yeah Alex was in like a stupid mood. But the second we walked out of his house he was fine. He doesn't like his mother and apparently she's two faced. She seems nice to me, but I never lived with her so I can't exactly judge.

So we ate there...and then we went to Jeff and Rhonda's and ate more there. We had filet mignon with baked potatoes and salad...so freakin good. Alex ate like a whole lot for having eaten a meal just an hour before that. Jeff and Rhonda, even MYLES (my little bro) likes him. Myles was in a really good mood and he wasn't obnoxious at all. He's not usually, but I mean he was just kinda fun. I love him...

After dinner we went to a movie (stupid...Shuan of the dead) but we definately didn't check the times. The movie didn't start for another hour, so he took me to a car wash. AWWW! My car was so disgustingly dirty though...it was sweet of him to do that for me. I took him to Dan's house and we got frisky on the couch until Dan walked in and posed as the COCK BLOCKer.

I think we are going to leave tonight around 6 or so...and I'm gonna stay with Alex at the Navy Base.


I think it was when we were walkin down to my car from the movie that I wanted to tell him. I imagined it would be so easy and hardly like the first time. We'd be walking hand in hand and as we parted to get in our sides of the car, we would look over the roof of the car to catch eachother's gaze and carelessly without fear, it would slip out smoothly from my lips as though it wasn't the first time

Someday...