Unfortunately Our "Love" Was A Decimal; With The Figure Remaining Constant But The Value Getting Less And Less...

Yeah that's all good and true but here is what I found despite that saddening statement. I had to go into an elementary class this morning to observe and take notes for my education class. I was in a huge rush so I grabbed the only notebook I could find. I was so scattered and flustered that it wasn't until I got into the classroom and realized how BORING it was, that I looked down to see pictures with familiar smiles. I saw a huge clipping of a motorcycle and right then remembered how I put that motorcycle over another picture because I could no longer bear to look at my naive smile and his corrupting grin. It was my poetry book...filled with numerous accounts of stupidity which lead to my callous ways not so long ago. I opened the book and it seemed like a lifetime had passed since I wrote all of those words. There was so many that brought back so much, I couldn't remember the last time I looked at these writings. The beginning consisted of life before Jeremy and at the end I found him. And that's where my title derived from as well as the poem that I tried to write. Tried because I write out of truth and this one has little or nothing to do with that. I'm sure I wanted it to be true in many ways but when I read this I knew that there was something wrong in my head at the time....

LONG DISTANCE

I'm gazing at this ever-so depressing map in desperation

My lonely eyes are following the long, monotonous road north to my fate- to the beathing model of my destiny

And all I seem to notice are the miles and bridges running hastily towards you-
For you

Like my heart filled with madness-

It's deep drumming drives on, warning of anxiousness at a speed I caim too slow

That sound fades easily as I go further till only a mere murmer, as the trees and winds unfortunately blanket it.

That silence and stillness violently shakes my daydreaming thoughts out of my mind and back into reality, and the truth of which I surround myself in:

Solitary Confinement

And after that wonderful excursion of roaming as I please-

I feel like a mere pin-point on an infinite atlas; just another landmark blending in on the face of the Earth.

Eternity stretches off into obscurity

Your image seen only from a dazed viewpoint; where your face is forever feature-less.

Is that believable? That sounds like a poem I would write through tears for Alex. And this was written, laminated, and decorated for someone I knew would never come close to my heart in that manner. Don't get me wrong, my heart burns for the healthy, friendly relationship we had...but not romantically.

Anyhow, it struck me so that I knew I had to publish it.

If You Can Dream, And Not Make Dreams Your Master...

The nightmares haven't stopped ya know. The night before I dreamt that Alex broke up with me in the worst manner- cold, hurtful, and unbending. I remember struggeling like I did with Jason to get him to listen and look at me. I wanted him to look into my eyes and know that this isn't fake and see me as he did days before. But with Jason...he never saw me any way so fighting with him to love me was a losing battle.
I recall trying to pull him into my chest, to feel my heart...but Alex wouldn't even look me in the eye let alone being caught touching me. It was so real the emotion I had when I woke up. I opened my eyes to pure hell and I knew that this wasn't an ordinary love. I was so stressed and even telling myself that it was a dream was useless. Finally after like 5 minutes of coaxing myself into relaxation, I came back to normality. Why does that happen to me?
I came home today and slept for about an hour and a half...but it was an emotional nap. I dreamt that Alex was on the phone in the other room and I could hear her pleading to him, "Alex I hate when you leave me, I miss you so much". I heard that from his cell phone and knew it wasn't me on the other end. Then he said he was leaving to go to the mall to get me flowers...and that phone call was as real as my writing ability( basically i forgot about it). Which is so true of me, because I'm a very cautious person but the second I receive sweet attention all of that goes away and I believe anything. I don't know what to make of all these dreams but they definatly aren't new. I haven't posted all of the things I dream about him. And they are never good...never. Always about my worst fears and worries. I guess sooner or later I will have to come to the realization that what I fear isn't him. But who knows...who ever knows right?