The Joy You Find Here You Borrow (for the time being...)

It's not a selfish/selfless issue to say the least. Don't get me wrong...I want nothing more than to give it all to you. Though one finds pure trust with time and an intense feeling of security. It almost won't be given to you for keeps until I'm most certain. I say given lightly only because what you take is yours! Given, as a gift from my heart to yours.

Understand the difference?

I had another nightmare...well hold on that's an understatement- I had a night terror. It was the worst but no different than any other night I suppose. It's becoming difficult to want to sleep now. I see the contradiction of who I am, almost like my dreams are trying to tell me how easily I will give in to what I'm so agianst. I dreamt of deception and though it was all in the palm of my hands, it happened. I remember saying no while doing my part, and I distinctivly recall thinking to myself that this would be the last time and I would stop. I promised myself and to God that it would never happen...never. And that promise was resounding in my head till I woke up. Am I going insane here?
Nothing in this world will make me do the things I do in my dreams.

I think the dream mostly came from our conversation over dinner last night. I asked if he worried about that sort of thing (which I didn't think it crossed his mind) and he said that he did because it happened to him. Though we both agree it should be the least of each of our worries- how vaild are our statements? Mine I can assure is quite real...but how can I tell? If I waste my time worrying about Alex with some other girl I promise that will be the end of us. Images like those make people crazy with wonder and try to drive out answers to questions that don't exist. Eventually somebody will get tired of relentless defending and nothing will the destruction of everything.

How long can you go before you finally trust someone? How far into conversations does it take to realize that yes, he's telling me the truth and I shouldn't worry. (Speaking purely hypothetically opposed to personally) Some people just don't find that point in their relationship which leads to probably a reason why some people just can't be in relationships. I think I've feared that I'll end up alone simply because I'm so worried and pushy. I want the middle of my life, which to me is like the start of the rest of it, to be now. I want to meet that person and start a life with someone else instead of alone. I'm not saying that I'm trying to make Alex to be the one I want to marry and be with forever, but if I didn't see myself with SOMEONE LIKE him in the future I wouldn't date him. (I don't want to waste my time or his) Who knows who I will end up with, and for now I don't exactly care too much...but Alex makes me happy and that is definatly a start to understanding what I might want out a person.