Show Me How Defenseless You Really Are...

I had a good time yesterday and then agian I had a horrible time yesterday. I had lunch with Alex and his friend which was nice. Took a walk on the beach and had a long overdue session of the unspeakable.

And then I did something very lamentable. Very very dumb. I don't know what or why I was thinking it but I did, and I classified Alex and put him in the same category as all the other Assholes I have experienced.

But the thing was, I genuinely and truly believed that Alex was doing that to me. And how could I believe that he would act in such a way as to draw tears? His actions somewhat display his feelings for me and I haven't much reason to pass judgement like I did. But I still worry and feel that actions only go sofar due to ambiguity. I need something to remember; words to resound in my head before I fall asleep at night to make me know that it's ok.

The thing was, I closed my eyes after we settled and he fell asleep so quick. And why not? He wanted to go to sleep at 8:00pm! The point was I got up, and got my things together and I said, "Ok Alex I have to go" and I got nothing. I was like,"Bye Alex" and still nothing. Why didn't I just go and rub his shoulders like I usually do? I don't know but I got so upset that I walked out and slammed the door. Then I called him, and knowing that his phone was on vibrate, when he answered I was even more offended.

But he was confused and I felt so dumb when he talked to me like, "what are you thinking?" I can't help it if I have a guard up about something like that. I wasn't so far out of line but still I guess I should have known better. I don't want him to think I'm a drama queen or seeking attention by playing games...because that's not the person I am.