It's hard enough trying to tell someone the sensation that has come over you...and for me it's magnified.  I can't, nor have I have told someone that I feel more than just love.  And I never would unless I meant it.  I haven't uttered anything to the full extent of what I feel but how can I go further with it?  How can I keep going knowing that it hurts to think about it and even worse when all I get is,
 
"Shutup!"
 
"Fuck you!"
 
"Stop crying!"
 
"You did this, You did that"
 
I can't change anything and I can't make it right.  I know that I feel like I'm paying for much more than I did.  I know that all I did wrong was go behind the back of the one who cared and had a drunken kiss....that was horrible and this I know.  But that is the only thing I can be held accountable for as far as unfaithful goes.  And it isn't as though there was thought or care behind it...because that would make it even more intense.
I know what I chose and didn't choose...those probably hurt worse and are the things remembered over everything.  But who was I then when I was surrounded by influences and people persuading me this way and that?  I was just who they wanted me to be after so long and now that I'm alone and I don't have anything to tell me its wrong...I know its right.
 
But I can't even begin to scratch the surface of what I want or feel because I get thrown down and what I say isn't even heard.  The fact that I'm sorry and the truth that I'm willing and wanting without anything to hold onto is just...
 
Lost
 
Somewhere between the
 
"Shutup!"
 
"Fuck you!"
 
"Stop Crying!"
 
"But remember this....?"
 
It's kind of like me calling Jayden with enthusiam, then scolding her to step back to the point where she's afraid to come any closer.  To where she wants to forget that I'm the one she wants and loves...because it only hurts to try.
 
And this, this right here, doesn't even begin to describe how things were on the other side. I know, and don't think that I don't.  I know and regret, and cry out and wish things were different.
 
But they aren't, and all of this today is because of yesterday.  I don't know how to try without getting anything in return and I don't know how it was endured long before now.  I almost wish I hadn't have spoken up.  Who am I compared to everyone else now?  I'm too far out of sight and mind and that will seem more apparent especially if he cared or begins to care.  Being here was the change I thought I wanted...now I feel so weak and small here all by myself.  I can't do anything at all

If I didn't care...I wouldn't worry or pace the ground so dust could fall on the heads of the people below.  I can't help it, if he only knew what I went through before and after him.
 
It doesn't seem like much considering he was my senior year...but I went through a lot of times where I couldn't understand WHY my boyfriend didn't want to get together with me or wouldn't answer my calls.  It was amazing to me how when I'd walk in the lunch room late he was walking towards me hastily from a certain place where he knew I'd frown upon. 
It was always that way and it wouldn't matter how nice they were I always suspected something.
 
When I first met you, I remember you called me "nato".  I still don't know what that is but I assumed it was something about defense and not putting my guard down.  It doesn't matter how much I care and how much you say and do...it will always be there.  It's always been there and I won't bring it up all the time and I don't make a point about it because of the drama it creates.  If you never would have read any of this, I wouldn't have brought it up.  I'd be smug about you not calling but I wouldn't say that I had my doubts.
 
I guess it's a different story when I care.  I've always cared but I don't understand what it is about now.  I can't find the change within me and point out for your understanding, but I know where my heart is and I know where it wasn't before.    I understand where exactly it was I went wrong and why...
 
 

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

Don't you see what is happening?  Your here in Jacksonville listening to words from someone who could probably care less about whethor or not your around. 

It was so important to me and I expressed the need to talk, but I guess that was where I went wrong.  Maybe I should have not cared or not even answered?  It wouldn't matter anyways because it's not like I was that good enough to be called anyways.  But I don't want to play games and wish and try different things to make him come around. 

In my mind I don't see a drive that far at all.... I see a way out of calling me to spend time with someone else...?  Thats the only thing I can think about...and it wouldn't be so far fetched though.  It would explain why none of my calls were answered and why he didn't bother to call me back or answer me this morning.

I'm not going to be played by someone like him.  I can't do it and I feel like this is what he wants so he can get me back? I don't know what to think...but its never good thoughts.  I should have NEVER told him how I felt...never.  It only makes me look vulnderable and stupid because those feelings are not on his side otherwise he would have said something and would not have left me waiting in the dark for an absolution that would never come.

Somehow the idea of class this morning slipped from my mind...
I have to go in for tutoring though so I'm waking myself and in that awful process, remembering...
 
I had a horrible sleep last night.  All I know how to do is dream in the form of wishes...which makes me a bitter sight to see in the morning.  I dreamt he was mine agian, and that other person just dissipated in the ideas of love.  I was the one by his side and we wouldn't have it any other way. 
 
But I only WANT to be by side and be the one he looks at with a smile.  I'm far from anyone's side but atleast someone is on his end of the world.  Support? Me for him?  I can't do anything but let the phone ring and wonder if he's falling in love without me.
I only WANT him to be mine because in reality he's almost intangible from my petty grasp. 
 
I can't tell anyone, I can't admit what I've been trying to hide for so long.  How can I now?  When the only person I want supposedly doesn't want me.  I'm left here in this prison of a dorm room to look at what might have been and move slowly from there.  There's no such thing as another chance...

Somebody please pinch me,
 
Am I fucking dreaming!?  Am I honestly crying???  Tears of SADNESS?  What in the world... am I just some fool who sits and wishes her days away?  Do I truly have it in me to look like an idiot?  Apparently I do because I am just so retarded for thinking the way that I am.  I can't do anything to get it off my mind or shake the thoughts I have.  I can't take my heart and wrench out the impurities when I see fit...
I've never been so angry at myself for wanting a call back!  I want it to be apparent on the other side that I'm caving in and dying on the inside.  But it's not gonna happen, he's not gonna care and I can sit up all night but I'll never get a call.  Never.
 
But still I cry.  Cry because I'm here and everything is there, somebody else is assisting when that was something I wanted to do and I wanted to be the person someone depended on.  Who the fuck am I?  Some stupid girl on the phone thats only good because he knows atleast I will be there sometime to sleep with him.   And apparently I'm not even good at that...
 
Say hello to Sarah Price
 
 

I had a really nice weekend at home. 

Never had I had the chance to spend the night with someone and regretted not doing so.  I don't know why but I feel sad almost.  It's never felt so right and so good to have that person there with me, I think at times I have felt good about it, but more so now.  Maybe because I'M ready as a person now, opposed to when I wasn't and I felt pressured.

 As far as I know I don't want to involve myself with anyone here though.  I like the way things are going and I haven't met anyone that has made me feel too much.

But I miss the past two days dearly.  I can't really explain it and it angers me that I miss it...
I hate the feeling of confusion and not being able to talk it out with the person.  It brings tears to my eyes the way I feel right now.  If I knew what it was I could explain it, but as far as I'm concerned I'm simply sad and want to go back.  why when I could have done so at so many previous opportunities when it was available?  It's funny how when I am ready and I finally can say what I want, it's no longer important.  I feel the desire for someone who cares...I could find a relationship here! I'm not worried about that, but it's the whole idea that I don't want one with anyone here.

I want what I had...and I guess that's going to be something I have to accept. 
Whatever I'll take it like the champ I always am

This is just to say
That I stole what was left of your heart
With greed in my own.
I took it even when I acknowledged
That I wasn't worthy or as deserving as the next

I'm sorry but I need that
Idea of security and consistency
In a place that I can depend on

Perhaps one day someone will take my heart
And only then will you agian
See yours...

My eyes, in an enslaved moment
reflect the screaming hearts of millions
Crowded, Claustrophobic-
Isolated.
In a black abyss who can hear those pleas?
"Remain with us"

Another day lost behind me 
Unable to soar higher;
Any further down 
I'd meet my grave.
"It doesn't get any better than this"

Too many empty characters
Dive into my soul
Tell me,
Can you find anything? 
Do you see me?
"Pure Perfection"

Do I stare at the ceiling in awe from the continuation of my dreams?
Or have I awoken abruptly to find confusion?
Because looking any farther than my feet
Seems forever
How easier it is to lie here
To sleep, to dream
"Don't leave"
Just let me go

Is That So?

 

Yeah? 
Am I that great? 
Do I stand to represent perfection in your eyes?   
 
I understand nothing and disbelieve everything. 
Atleast you know it's a form belief though right? 
It saddens me, I think you should know. 
To hear those superflous comments and look down at my hands to find them empty. 
 
Where are the gifts and blessings that come with all you speak of? 
Surely somebody with as much grace and wonder as I would have someone to share it with...? 
Or even a haven called comfort...? 
 
I can't think of anything I'd keep out of pure greed instead of having my dreams and your reality. 

"Lonestar
Where are you
Out tonight?
This feeling
I'm trying to fight
It's dark and
I think that I would give anything
For you
To shine down on me

How far you are
I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that
I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign..."

I wouldn't necessarily say that when someone introduces themselves out of nowhere it's only because they are attracted or interested.  However, the majority rules and I guess we're all in that category.
 
I had lunch today with a very talented, amazing person.  Not in the sense so much of being infatuated sexually, but just by this person's ability and strength.  I hardly know him and already I can see the obstacles and tough times endured.
 
Without my vision I feel I'd give up and rely on someone.  I would run to mom and think I could never go to college, teach, or live my life!  But he defys all of this and does so on his own.  Not only does he go to school, support himself, but he plays the drums wonderfully and is learning two other instruments on top of that. 
 
I suppose a person with a great handicap has to have some passion, a driving force that helps them through the seemingly impossible. This is admirable and I'm in complete awe.
 
I was describing myself and I started out by saying I have dark, wavy hair and he says to me, "Yeah I can see that"
I was like confused a little until he explained that he has somewhat of his vision but hardly any.  Dark colors are evident in a slight way but that's about all.  He told me that he asks his friends if a girl is pretty and relys on them as well as her personality and voice. 
 
I wonder if I have a pretty voice?
 

 

 

Never did I believe that a person could even make such noises.

Hearing it from behind closed doors I wasn't too sure if she was wailing from laughter or sadness?

I don't think I could awake to see the next day, let alone close my eyes and actually fall asleep.

Considering the point in which she got  herself in regarding her relationship, I don't know that I'd be strong enough to go through my day in the manner that she is.

After four years of intimacy one finds that this is obviously consistent enough to call forever.

There's no doubt in my mind she never saw it coming,

Which makes the situation even worse.

 

If I ever have to experience that which I pray that I never do,

I hope with everything I have that I take it as she does;

concealing her feelings for her own well being and living life with an attitude that she's better off anyways.

Selfish?
 
To want alone time with my mother whom I'll never have the same relationship with ever agian?  Her; with whom I can never go back on those safe haven days and know that this is right. 
 
Wrong?
 
To go back home for the holiday and find myself just as lonely if not worse, than before I left?  Is that so horrible to want to be at home without that awkward being walking around as if he knew where he was going!  Like he knew exactly where the wine glasses are kept, and which closet the hand towels are stored...that is my house and the things they are doing is supposed to be a slow progression.
 
Not to mention the very evident fact that ALL I WANT IS A DAY with her, since I haven't seen that in awhile.  Well so much for that because I said it's all or nothing since she took it upon herself to invite him.  And the worst part is she said that she didn't want to come see for an hour and have to make that drive alone. 
 
AN HOUR?
 
Got big plans today or something mom?  I put out the notion that I wanted to see her and I made the effort and from the moment I said it, everything turned to hell.
Poor Mike never saw that side of me before and I felt embarassed...but the extremity of my mood just couldn't be contained, what can ya do?! 
I don't think I'm going to talk to her for awhile because I don't even think she knows what she's doing.  I'm going to wait a couple days to cool off because every time I think about it I start to breakdown...
 

An Orlando boy?
 
Do I truly want to make that drive?  Or do I want to ask him to do the same in between all that school and work?  Hmm...one day at a time but I'm excited.  I think he would make the drive- well yeah I know he would.
He drives a LEXUS...very nice and this all was discovered AFTER I realized I liked him so it isn't as though I'm pushing it all because of the ride.
It started out as a joke, when I saw his picture I said I would marry him.  They told me he was shy and probably wouldn't talk to me but that was fine I still wanted to meet him.  Apparently I caught him on a good night and we were all drinking so I'm sure the alchohol freed him of his inhibitions.
I don't know though...(<---That's not a good "I don't know" either)
 
We shall see...

I wrote this love poem
Because out of all the times shared-
I believed deeply in that specific moment:
When in the candlelit bedroom
I heard you slowly open the door;
Silently enough so as not to wake me.
 
You lightly sat beside me on the bed,
Lighting a cigarette I heard you sigh atleast twice and position yourself
numerous ways as if to look for the perfect manner in which
To do what you did
Not realizing my waken state you clasped my hands with the
Thought that I was in dreams;
Took them into yours and gently brushed them across your warm neck.
And when you confessed through shaking, unstable whispers
All that your concealing heart and confused mind kept hidden,
When you emptied the feelings of your soul, spilled anxieties over
it all and poured out endlessly your world for me
 
I Loved You
 
Even more so when you gracefully allowed your emotions
To slip through the crevice of your opening lips
To wake mine in an initiating move towards that
Scared, honest, sencere
Act...
 
And Then That Moment Passed.

I stayed up as long as possible. Romeo saw that I wasn't lookin' too hot so he told me to go to his room to talk. I'm the fool who actually thought he could be there for me. Hah, there was so many guys in his room I couldn't hear myself think. We sat down at his laptop to finish his paper and all I got was, "Whats your problem?(real sweet B...) Is it a guy?(ofcourse) Did you have sex with this guy?(maybe thats the problem, that I didnt sleep with him) You gotta find NICE guys Sarah!(theres no such thing) Every guy in this room is very nice why don't you try your luck with them?(translation: why don't you sleep with one of us, we can make you forget)" Atleast he made me laugh right? It was about a guy, a very nice guy whom If were truly mine I wouldn't think twice about what I could be missing. Does anyone understand what can happen in 24 hours much less than a whole year? This past week I've grown closer to more people I care less about and farther from him who I want to care about, and it hurts my heart to think back.

I knew I should have stayed awake longer than Gavin's call at 2:00am, I knew what was going to happen and sure enough it did.
I saw the way things were before all of this. (No no I would never go back to change it if I had the oppurtunity) I felt that comfort that security; I felt the rage when I answered the phone to the wrong person, and the lack of remorse on my part. But I felt it as though we were really jogging together and we were really going to watch a movie, and when I dialed his phone number I really heard his voice penetrate my ears and heart...As though he would actually answer my call with that same tone I used to hear. Sure enough the first thing I thought of this morning was calling him, as I was previously used to for so long. That's a very hard, monotonous habit to break. After a year with the only person who saw you for you, how can it just drop from my speculations? The one thing I've come to realize I need is him. I need him even though he doesn't want or need me after everything "I've done" (Cause he's so perfect).

Now the day will be ruined and my heart who's got a mind of her own will battle with reality as they try to sort out truth from fairy tales.
I knew I should have pulled an All-Nighter

I don't want to sleep tonight. If I sleep than I dream...
What more do I need to say on that?

Uneventful day ends in uneventful night.
Recap:

*Met Mr. Study Buddy for breakfast way too early

*Cut class early with the girls to get lunch and met their friends from Orlando

*Got 1 percent over the minimum required grade for the math test (71%- If I didnt get that there is a good possibility that I'd be OUT for the fall)

*Went to the movies and just recently walked in the prison cell to lay down for bed so I can wake up and do the whole thing over agian.

I'm excited for the weekend to get help from my friend...I need to do good on my next test...

So Romeo got a tattoo which is very sexy...it was fate how we were both in the same hallway at that very moment. Hah, what a crock a shit.
Had a very nice weekend. Suprisingly, I managed to find a young victim who just so happened to have a math minor under his belt to help me. And we have declared him my new math tutor. He is really helpful and very nice, and the fact that Rhonda and Jeff know him is a definate plus. I believe this upcoming weekend I'm going to try and head over there cause he said he wanted to get together for a couple of hours to help me for my test coming up. I think that's so great that he's willing to spend his WEEKEND time off of work to help me. He graduated from UF and is an engineer- whatever that is.
The other one finally called me. He said he was getting back into town on Saturday, and Saturday came and went as did Sunday so I was coming to terms with reality until I was interrupted by his call. He said he just walked in the door and remembered that he promised me which was very nice of him. I enjoy his company and the smile he brings to my face, but only time will tell.
Then there's Gavin; whom I can't seem to not talk to less than 4 times a day. The conversations aren't as substantial and smooth as many others, however he shines light into my life. I feel awful because since we left eachother last summer he's just deteriorated(did i spell that right?). He says that he's glad I wasn't around because alchohol would have ruined us, but that maybe I could have done something. I'm so glad that he's getting himself together and finding good people and a good path of life, because often times people don't even learn and just keep doing what they did wrong. But he tells me he knows where everything went sour and I can hear it in his voice when he says his apologies and his hopes.
I don't know if I can hack it much longer. I get in these moods where "I think I can I think I can" and then when I read through the material and realize what I'm supposed to know, I freak. It's going to take a lot more than just going to class and doing the homework this time around. High School was great like that, this isn't the same and it's so crazy trying to deal with that drastic transition. Especially me who skipped school atleast 2 days a week and was consumed with GAINSEVILLE for half the year and TARPON SPRINGS for the rest of it.
I'm doing my best and my mother and everyone else can see that. I'm so proud of myself for actually leaving the distracting situations and replacing it with a good studying environment. Not only that but seeking out help where I know I can find it. The first thing I did when I got home today was go to Amy's room and then to Zach's room to get help on the homework. I could have went straight to sleep and put it off till tomorrow; the due date.
It's done and I've made my rounds of phone calls and I'm ready to sleep. Romeo said he'd stop by tonight cause I'm alone but I think I'm gonna crash early....
GOODNIGHT

All talk is all I have to say. He gets up in my face with that look like he's gonna try something but I think he's scurred. He sends me text messages in class with a wink but I know that when it comes down to it he's just playing around. The game we've got goin on now is fun and I am intrigued, but at this rate by the time we get down to business it will be Spring. No problem cause I'm in no hurry to look available and I certainly don't want to seem as though I care to the extents of going out of my way!
Last night was the best time I've had since the strip club! Bourben St. is set up with about 7 different clubs inside one big building, there are just seperate rooms. So we went to the country one and there is a huge raised dance floor with a bar and stools surrounding it where people can drink and watch. We were all dancing and then everyone cleared the floor for a game; 16 guys lay on the floor and fifteen girls stand above them. I got in and it's a play off of musical chairs so we all ran around the guys and when the music stops you have to get on top of them and stradel them! Well me and all the girls I went with got in the game and me and Alicia were the only girls in skirts! we both had on the frilly kind, and let me tell you that jumping on those guys was really awful cause I was so embarassed and I couldn't walk out of the game cause there was a million people watching. I apologized to every guy I got on top of and they didn't seem to mind at all. I was one of the last four girls standing and the announcer was sad to see me go cause I was the only one in a skirt. The attention was funny and I had such a blast. I was dancing with this guy from the dorm a lot and I was suprised at how physical he was on the dance floor, cause he just didn't seem like that. I play his guitar all the time and he taught me the chords to Nothing Else Matters(its real easy), so he's really cool. I don't know about like THAT or anyhting but he's definatly nice.
Well I have so much homework to do and I know if I stay here I'll go to Bourben St. agian tonight and tomorrow with them. I'm not gonna let the fun get in the way of my school work and I feel good about leaving today cause I feel like I have control of myself.
The girls I met go thrifting all the time and they are so nice so I'm really glad that I met them. It was by mistake really and I'm so glad though. I was just hanging out with Romeo in his room and they all came in and we saw eachother earlier at the thrift store so we started talking and from there on it was great. I'm starting to get a feel for it and getting more social and used to being out there, but I still have to concentrate on what's important.
PEACE

This is definatly proving to be interesting. I mean we can't go on with this competing frame of mind. Neither one of us really care but it's the point of trying I suppose. Like who really needs those stupid comments about, "Oh i could never talk to anyone like I did with her last night" or "I was so happy and she took me out" as if to say that I never did anything so nice before. Maybe it's just me but I can feel his efforts to try to make me jealous, it's aggravating only because I know what his intentions are. Let me ask you this:
Do you think I'd be moving on if I was jealous? To have jealousy is to have care within your heart, none of these I have in the aspect that I once did.
I'm really excited myself cause ya know it isn't as though I'm sitting alone in my dorm everyday. He's coming over to "watch a movie" but you know that always turns into an hour and a half of conversation. He's such a contradicting little shit, but that's okay, cause one glance in those eyes and all is at perfection for me. I don't want anything substantial, nor am I looking for it, but someone to hang out with and think is attractive is always fun.
Gavin and I have been really getting closer, just with our conversations/hopes/and goals. I really feel a lot better about it than I ever have. I think there's a real purpose behind us and everything we've gone through is proof. Though the both of us have done our share of developing and experiencing with other people, somehow we always manage to go back to eachother. I know if he lived here we'd be together, there's too much history and across the miles bonding to deny that we just might belong together. I'm interested to see what time will bring me.

Continuing on from the last thing I said about Mystery Boy...it's a good possibility that he isn't all the cracked up to be. Lauren and I were walking up the stairs and he was coming down, so naturally he started asking me about class and stuff and I'm walking away as I'm speaking to him which was very rude which brings us to his shocked comment, "You don't want to talk to me"
I laughed and apologized explaining that I needed to drop some stuff off in my room and I'd be right back. So we went to his room and I'm really not too sure if he thinks I'm naive, or just plain stupid. But after everything, I'm definatly none of the above. I'm not falling for his speech about how he wants a girlfriend and how he doesn't want to just randomly hook up with girls because he wants to keep himself somewhat sacred.

BULL SHIT

If he thought at any point he was winning or up at all, he was so wrong. I did the whole "Oh my gosh that's so great of you, and very mature..." blah blah kinda deal like I actually cared, but lets be realistic here- He's a freshmen and he's got the look. He'd be a fun friend cause we laugh a lot and we are both really funny around eachother, so atleast I've got that much. Which is really all I want anyhow. I went in his room this morning at like 7:45 and tried pinching his butt only making it look like his roommate did it. But he woke up as I was looking through the covers...oops.
Tonight I have a dinner date with a buncha girls and guys at this fine dining restaurant and a movie afterwards. I honestly do not have the money considering the place is like 25 dollas a plate! But I really want to start hanging out with them more and I was so glad they invited me.
Gavin and his parents are working things out so that he can move to Florida! He wants to go back to school so I told him he could get residency and go to school with me. I spoke to his mother yesterday and she was really glad that me and him still talk and she thinks I'm such a good influence so it would all work out. I am so very thrilled that they want to do that because that would shake him of his depression and all the issues he's going through now. I don't know how he fell apart but he did, It's like all the stuff I hear sounds so far fetched from the person I met. I feel hope in his letters though and I think it's only a matter of change. He needs to get away from the environment he's emersed in now and start making new decisions and turns in his life. I am happy he's head strong about it all and I think things will end up in his favor.

Woo hoo! He finally talked to me which took since orientation to do. My heart fell to my toes, not cause I want to care but simply from his gorgous face and body. There isn't anything more I'd love to go to sleep with every night than that. But let's be realistic...I don't want someone like him.

After Tommy spent the night on Sunday he got really weirded out. He spoke emotionally almost crying because he's so scared and how it felt too right. I suppose I will just show him there is nothing to be scared of...but it's me who will have the rough end of the stick I can already tell. I care a lot though so I suppose it's worth it.

Needless to say, after last night the new hot spot for me and the girls is DEFINATLY Mans Venus! I've never had so much fun with people laughing at me cause of how bashful I was. After the first girl shoved her head down between my legs to get the dollar I loosened up and started to put the money in my mouth to get a mouthful of big boobs! It was different for me and hilarious for all the guys to see ME, of all people doing such a thing. I think I felt like 7 pairs of boobs last night and I definatly got more kisses than our guy friends...ha. When you got it ya got it right?
I only spent like 10 bucks with the cover charge and tips cause Joe and Scott kept handing out the bills to the girls so it was them who spent 60 dollars not us. It was great sober, bonding time for me Tiff and Maria. It was fun being the only girls cause we got all the attention out of the 20 guys we went with.

Anyways...now it's time to live my life alone I guess. Things will be different and I can't necessarily say thats a good thing. To be honest I look like the bitch here, but that's not how it was supposed to happen. Quite frankly I didn't want to cause conflict so I decided on a "No" and ended up going out. So it made me look as though I planned it but I really did not and nothing I say can change it. But I did nothing to deserve to be treated that way and spoken to in such a manner...I've done no wrong besides not hold love for another. What can I do? Maybe it will be better this way? I don't know though. Maria is in the same position as me. Jose isn't even her boyfriend and he was trying to make her feel bad about going out with us so she said she wasn't going to go. I had a huge talk with her and related to her on so many levels with Jer and after our conversation she went and had a great time. It's not worth a guy ruining your fun and it took me a long time and many missed fun times to realize that.

Never agian will I let a guy tell me what to do or make me feel bad about having fun. If I had a boyfriend last night and I went out, I would have been doing no wrong besides having a good time without him. Is that so wrong? I guess in some people's eyes it is when things don't go according to plans. Jer over exaggerates and makes something enlarged 20 times to where you have to laugh at nothing. Always something dramatic, always something to think about...who wants that? I just want to hang out and let it end there at the end of the word. I used to feel that way about Jay though, I wouldn't want to come over because my heart was involved but after so long I just learned to love the times we had and not think ahead of myself. That's how you don't get hurt. Sex was just sex with him after so long, and us making late night trips for eachother was simple only a late night trip. Not because he cared enough to drive far, just because he wanted to.