It's hard enough trying to tell someone the sensation that has come over you...and for me it's magnified.  I can't, nor have I have told someone that I feel more than just love.  And I never would unless I meant it.  I haven't uttered anything to the full extent of what I feel but how can I go further with it?  How can I keep going knowing that it hurts to think about it and even worse when all I get is,
 
"Shutup!"
 
"Fuck you!"
 
"Stop crying!"
 
"You did this, You did that"
 
I can't change anything and I can't make it right.  I know that I feel like I'm paying for much more than I did.  I know that all I did wrong was go behind the back of the one who cared and had a drunken kiss....that was horrible and this I know.  But that is the only thing I can be held accountable for as far as unfaithful goes.  And it isn't as though there was thought or care behind it...because that would make it even more intense.
I know what I chose and didn't choose...those probably hurt worse and are the things remembered over everything.  But who was I then when I was surrounded by influences and people persuading me this way and that?  I was just who they wanted me to be after so long and now that I'm alone and I don't have anything to tell me its wrong...I know its right.
 
But I can't even begin to scratch the surface of what I want or feel because I get thrown down and what I say isn't even heard.  The fact that I'm sorry and the truth that I'm willing and wanting without anything to hold onto is just...
 
Lost
 
Somewhere between the
 
"Shutup!"
 
"Fuck you!"
 
"Stop Crying!"
 
"But remember this....?"
 
It's kind of like me calling Jayden with enthusiam, then scolding her to step back to the point where she's afraid to come any closer.  To where she wants to forget that I'm the one she wants and loves...because it only hurts to try.
 
And this, this right here, doesn't even begin to describe how things were on the other side. I know, and don't think that I don't.  I know and regret, and cry out and wish things were different.
 
But they aren't, and all of this today is because of yesterday.  I don't know how to try without getting anything in return and I don't know how it was endured long before now.  I almost wish I hadn't have spoken up.  Who am I compared to everyone else now?  I'm too far out of sight and mind and that will seem more apparent especially if he cared or begins to care.  Being here was the change I thought I wanted...now I feel so weak and small here all by myself.  I can't do anything at all