Will I Ever Make It Home, Will I Ever Leave The Ground [leave this place so far behind, where there is no turning back]

Did i think that this would never end? And if i did think it would, was i under the assumption that i would be nonchalant?

i thought i couldn't wait to move out. i thought that i'd start that long drive south with a smile on my face. but this marks the end of freshmen year. these songs, moments, and routines that characterize this point in time, are sealed inbetween August[2004] and April[2005]. the only way back are through these ambigious posts that are too vague to remember what goes on. i dont write enough about my life.

i never wrote about working at abercrombie. how i memorized the entire tape and my favorite songs were "i turn to you" by that spice girl, and "san fransisco" by ?. never wrote about how much i hate folding clothes and how ANAL they are about precision and neatness. i always went to starbucks on my break-
viente ice passion tea, no sweetner cause i add honey myself.

didnt write about carrabbas. how 50 cent and G unit remind us of rolling silverwear in the back. danielle, hildy, and I now have a three person routine to ANY 50 cent song. (i sort, hildy polishes, and danielle rolls...damn ill miss that) i began begging for quarters shortly after i discovered the M&M and reeses peices machine in the back. i promise you, D money had found his purpose when he woke up in the morning, and it was bringing an abundance of quarters to work for me. the second i walked in the back he would hold out his hand and there would be a quarter, he'd laugh and say,
"i got a quarter for you baby" i was strangly comfortable with him. as weird and cooked up as he most likely is...he makes me laugh. aw hell i might marry him- he's big enough. [kidding guys!!!!!

how could i leave out my ignorance? my obsessions? what the fuck is lodging? who came up with that name and decided it should mean 'a place to stay'. im at a loss. FUNERAL HOME? see that makes no sense because it sounds like a morgue or a place where they keep the stuff for funerals. im going to marry one day. soon i hope. and he'll be borderline obese with clogged arteries and high cholesterol, just the way i like them. hildy will marry too- he will be emaciated, lookin like somethin straight out of the german concentration camps. he will probly be jailbait too. and danielle will have this hot guy, the normal guy[probly EX boy, starts with a K ends with a YLE.], and she will STILL be saying,

"what the fuck is wrong with you guys? are you blind?"

i guess so, cause i think everyone is hot.

never anything about angies- a little peice of heaven on earth. i would miss class for this place. i have missed class for this place. i stole the peruvian sauce this afternoon on our last trip of the year. i looked like shit, and i saw a big truck and swore if it was J the-you-know-who i wouldn't go in.

our drinking habits. how could i miss it. if i so much as even LOOK at a bottle of alcohol...im wasted. hildy can drink 3 bottles of 151 and she's got a BUZZ. if that. and then danielle- the normal one.

who drives the worst? i dont know. danielle cant do two things at once. im suprised she can chew gum and walk to class. she might as well pull over to talk on the phone while shes driving. she covers the horn like shes getting paid big bucks to do so...i swear she thinks everyone turning onto the road is out to side-swipe her. apparently danielle says shes had some death threatening close calls with Hildy- but i cant testify to that.
so i guess im the best driver. except when smoking with chelsea. i went 35/40 mph in a 55. oops.



i guess the most important part of this semester was the two people that took me in. ill say that sappy isnt my thing cause i like it rough[smack me around a little bit, pull my hair, and make me bleed- whoa sorry]- but when it comes down to the truth i wont deny that tears swell at how thankful i am for Hildy and Danielle. I was too wrapped up in my own life 1st semester and that was ok. but when I hit rock bottom i cant remember how many times danielle invited me to come out. how much she and hildy let me into their friendship to find that there was happiness outside of a relationship. now granted, id choose a relationship leading towards marraige any day- i really have learned the importance of friends. maybe i didnt notice it until i was in desperate need of them, but i feel like the two of them gave it to me as much as they could.

i dont care how stupid you guys think i am, or how much of a paranoid WORRYER i am in regards to time...you fuckin love it. and to think all those times you tried to tell me that i was too dumb to hang out with you guys...deep down you really liked it. ill miss you guys. but it wont be long till i meet you at 3am in the third shower stall....we can always sneak back into the hall for some fun.

love you- sarah!!

[ "hey! doctor!" "well hurry up cause i gotta get trisha!" "whos that spartan in my teepee?" "sup" "you wanna make out? no? ok, maybe tomorrow? no? ok!" "diced peaches huh?" "alexis!? im only MAD at her! what alexis! what!" "ross! emily, thank god! i was just about to- YOU SUCK! break up still on!" "my dawson...and carlos" theres too much and i have a bad memory]

She Always Takes It With a Heart Of Stone-

But if there's anything that I've learned this past year living in Jacksonville, it's to

Experience.

I don't care how hard it is to detatch myself from someone, I'll grow to care for them and even when it hurts to be let down- I'll be thankful for that experience.

It could be anything. It could be

Driving to Savannah at 10pm on a school night like there is no obligations to tomorow. I just wanted to see the city agian. And it hadn't changed since mom, Jim, and I had walked those streets. But I most certainly had, and it took going back to some place and seeing somewhere not so new, with a bitter heart, to make me glad that Jim left us. Who would I be now, if he was still around?

This year of college is gone. I can never go back to these days and feel the same way. I can only look back, at the sound of a familiar song that I associate with this.

Experience, by far, is my new hot commodity. Maybe I had this idea in my head subsonciously before this post, but it took some down time in the shower to make me put it into some philosophy...

RELISH TODAY
REMORSE TOMORROW
see i had it in me all along....

Before It Was Different...

because before when it happened you were with me. In a sense, he was with me too, but not like you were. With you I knew why you were there, I knew the reasons why you held my hand and let me cry on your shoulder. You wanted to be there. You wanted to make me feel better, and you did. By simply being there.

This time I was alone. I went to sleep with the fears of tomorrow without the certainty that anyone with significance to my heart, knew about them [my fears]. And I guess that could be the only reason why I even said something to him. To try and escape from this feeling of isolation in the worst two weeks of my year thus far.

That was foolish

In a sense, I did it all by myself. I may as well have driven myself because it might have been more comforting than sitting next to him. There was a wall between us as we drove in silence. And all I heard was sad music that seemed to say what I was thinking. Funny how life is like that sometimes.

I walked in the bathroom and read those directions as if under water, tears dropped on the words I was trying to read. The maintenence woman in the public restroom must have been curious as to my delay- but I didn't even notice that her broom accidentally brushed my feet until I heard her say, "Sorry baby".

It might as well have been fake. Because the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking to myself that this isn't happening to me. I'm going to go to school and get my PhD and I'm not going to be put on hold for the birth of some child conceived on a night I hardly remember.

Yes, it was that bad. I waited those three minutes. And I felt my heart beat in sync with that little symbol blinking on the small screen as I waited to find out what I thought I already knew. You always hope for the best. Because we as young adults have this mind set that things can't happen to us. We think that those horror stories of getting knocked up, and getting abortions are for people lower than us. But it can happen to anyone, and I think that's what I realized as I was sitting in the bathroom hearing,
"Attention Wal-Mart shoppers...."

Yes, it was that bad.

God it was so bad.

And there is that wall between us now. That unspoken memory of what could have happened will always arise when we see eachother out, and hear each other's names spoken. It won't go away and we could never, ever be farther apart than we are today.


it was bad...but it could have been worse...he could have ignored me and not helpd me in the slightest...it could have been ten times worse...but it was still bad...just cause we dont know eachother...we arent close...apparently when i said we'd be good friends it was the alcohol talking...haha...we'll not speak agian im sure...things are like that...and i cant control it...but im fine...not worrying about eating for two....haha...finals are soon....must focus on that...getting wasted tonight....and then im studying for the rest of the weekend....wow im so out of it....i dont even want to study....im screwed. so im getting wasted....

Before It Was Different...

because before when it happened you were with me. In a sense, he was with me too, but not like you were. With you I knew why you were there, I knew the reasons why you held my hand and let me cry on your shoulder. You wanted to be there. You wanted to make me feel better, and you did. By simply being there.

This time I was alone. I went to sleep with the fears of tomorrow without the certainty that anyone with significance to my heart, knew about them [my fears]. And I guess that could be the only reason why I even said something to him. To try and escape from this feeling of isolation in the worst two weeks of my year thus far.

That was foolish

In a sense, I did it all by myself. I may as well have driven myself because it might have been more comforting than sitting next to him. There was a wall between us as we drove in silence. And all I heard was sad music that seemed to say what I was thinking. Funny how life is like that sometimes.

I walked in the bathroom and read those directions as if under water, tears dropped on the words I was trying to read. The maintenence woman in the public restroom must have been curious as to my delay- but I didn't even notice that her broom accidentally brushed my feet until I heard her say, "Sorry baby".

It might as well have been fake. Because the whole time I was doing it, I was thinking to myself that this isn't happening to me. I'm going to go to school and get my PhD and I'm not going to be put on hold for the birth of some child conceived on a night I hardly remember.

Yes, it was that bad. I waited those three minutes. And I felt my heart beat in sync with that little symbol blinking on the small screen as I waited to find out what I thought I already knew. You always hope for the best. Because we as young adults have this mind set that things can't happen to us. We think that those horror stories of getting knocked up, and getting abortions are for people lower than us. But it can happen to anyone, and I think that's what I realized as I was sitting in the bathroom hearing,
"Attention Wal-Mart shoppers...."

Yes, it was that bad.

God it was so bad.

And there is that wall between us now. That unspoken memory of what could have happened will always arise when we see eachother out, and hear each other's names spoken. It won't go away and we could never, ever be farther apart than we are today.


it was bad...but it could have been worse...he could have ignored me and not helpd me in the slightest...it could have been ten times worse...but it was still bad...just cause we dont know eachother...we arent close...apparently when i said we'd be good friends it was the alcohol talking...haha...we'll not speak agian im sure...things are like that...and i cant control it...but im fine...not worrying about eating for two....haha...finals are soon....must focus on that...getting wasted tonight....and then im studying for the rest of the weekend....wow im so out of it....i dont even want to study....im screwed. so im getting wasted....

Climb Inside The Emptiness It's Safe When Your Alone...

We were CoDependent lovers.

The first night he met me he fell in love. No doubt in my mind because the day after he did everything he could when he assumed I had given him the wrong number. Lunch that day probably sealed the deal. Because the next weekend he drove from his home in St. Augustine to Clearwater to spend time with me, and while I was taking the SATs, he was apartment hunting to move closer to me. I didn't think it was odd even though the night before I had told him I wasn't that interested.

We Were CoDependent Lovers.

We weren't together, or even dating. But he gave me his class ring [which I later lost] and sent me flowers while I was away in Washington state. He got heartbroken too when I had slept with someone else, but we weren't dating. I didn't think it was odd either.

We Were Codependent Lovers.

We didn't take too many long walks on the beach because he was too tempted to drown me and later find pleasure in reviving a helpless victim. I would milk the role for all it was worth too.

We were CoDependent Lovers.

I tried to save money on gas because at one point he lived 45 minutes away. I'd drive out there expecting to stay a few days but I'd make four trips very often because he would punch a hole in the wall or throw my clothes out the window, later trying to justify it with some romantic reason how he loves me so much he needed to do something heartless to get my attention. And I drove back to him every time.

We Were CoDependent Lovers

I used to make him CDs filled with love songs. Some significant and meaningful, others just sweet to make him think of me when I was away. I wasted so many CDs because I'd have to make the same one twice due to his temper raging through his hands when he tore them to peices at the thought of my actions and not having me as he wanted. And I made him new ones and brushed the sweat off his forehead in a comforting way as if to say his behavior was acceptable.

We Were CoDependent Lovers

He pulled my screaming body out of the truck while I was holding on to the handles for dear life, so scared to be left on the side of the interstate. The void in his eyes was enough to tell me that he wouldn't stop at throwing my duffle bag out of the window- I would go too. And he left me there. Long enough for me to look into the woods and wish that something or someone would come out and hurt me, so then he'd feel as bad as I didn't. But he came back, and I let him carry me like a princess back into the car with a kiss on the cheeck before he shut the door behind me.

We Were CoDependent Lovers

I skipped out on his usual weekend visit. To go to a party and be with someone else. He didn't need anyone from my town to tell him, he could sense it 125 miles north of me. He drove that night at 3 in the morning, two hours because he knew my mother was out of town- and stayed for twenty minutes. Long enough to see that I was in bed by myself and know that he had ruined my plans. Long enough to tell me that I should see that him driving all that way when he must work in the morning was clearly a sign. I told him I was too tired to notice. And he accepted my apathy and drove home....satisfied [?]

We Were CoDependent Lovers

I answered the phone one night. To the one man's voice that he would have loved to kill. And I smiled and laughed even, right in front of his face. Through both our minds as my conversation went on, we knew that Jeremy had spent endless nights in agony over the fact that I was off lying underneath that guy with his voice touching my ears instead of his. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me like your not supposed to do a baby. He locked me out of his house but I found a way back in. And we slept in the same bed that night. Holding eachother for dear life and fucked like there would be no tomorrow.

We Were CoDependent Lovers.

We fought over a phone call one night. He got so upset about that and everything that had happened between us that he had an asthma attack. He broke his ribs and I walked out on him. He called me barely breathing and I had to dial 911 and explain to them what triggered his accident. All the while I was driving home while he was suffocating in his misery. I drove back though. I always did. He looked tired and sad when I walked into his room. Very worn out and a surge of guilt ran through me as I thought about who was at fault [me]. But he took me in his arms without a word and we began to ignore our problems the only and best way we knew how....by being naked.

We Were CoDependent Lovers.

I ran down the stairs one night. Screaming viciously in anger over his existence and mine intertwining. He was running after me with hateful words that contradicted his actions of trying to stop me. I jumped in my car and he was quick enough to grab the door before it shut. I would have slammed his fingers in the door if he hadn't of run around to my passenger side and got in. He locked the doors and pleaded with me for answers. The two of us, in that little car with such huge amounts of dissatisfaction was more than I could bare. I shook violently and tried to get out, and he grabbed me in astonishment over my state of mind. I decided that very moment I was tired of crying so I said the L word and like that we were walking up the stairs, hand in hand, and already he was unbuttoning his shirt and I was pulling my zipper down.

We Were CoDependent Lovers

He bought me a ring. A diamond. I'm sure it was beautiful but I never got to see it. He found out what I was writing on this very page your eyes are running across and he threw it out of the window on I75. He didn't care either. It was only a matter of negotiating and the L word before he was back in the Jewlery store and the next weekend I got diamond earrings.

We Were CoDependent Lovers

"I can't live without you"
"Neither can I"

"I could never live with you"
"Neither could I"

"Let's never be together agian"
"But let's still have sex"

We Were CoDependent Lovers...

Step Outside The Misery- For Once You Feel Alive

Maybe it was dissatisfaction that the way I planned the night out to be, didn't happen? Maybe it was the margaritas (all TWO of them....idiot) and random sips from cups unknown?
Sitting here, I don't know what came over my seemingly rational mind and said,

"let him in your car"

I was alone. Walking out to the parking lot in the dark. Alone. And it's just my luck that some random dude would be sitting on my car at almost 2am...? I can't even look myself in the eyes when I say how truly thankful and lucky I am. I cannot look myself in the eyes because I think of what could have happened, of what kind of person that guy could have been. I know why he was there and what he wanted from a ride home. I could smell it on his breath when he leaned in close to "look at my beautiful eyes", and when he asked me to come inside.

And girls get into trouble. So much trouble. If there was a big enough void in my heart and I was depressed and drunk enough to acknowledge it, I could have walked straight into that house and picked his room by instinct. Without small talk, or anything. But I'm not that girl. I fit the image of a drunk girl with something missing in her life. But I'm not foolish enough to set myself even lower to the ground than I might think I already am. I let them charm me with their words but when it came down to his lips on my cheecks I couldn't have been more disgusted with myself. I couldn't have felt more foolish.

Why me?! I was thinking, why did it have to be me? And then I heard it. As if he knew I was thinking it and needed some justification for his presence.

"Do you always dress like that?"

Every other girl in American dresses with boobs falling out of lacy tops and the first time I do- some guy tries to pick me up. I mean, I get guys without all that but I just wanted to look different. I'm always conservative and pretty much covered. I have these amazing boobs that never see the sunlight and so I thought I'd take them out with me for the night. Bad idea I guess.

There was something different in the air after he said that. I didn't say anything at first because I was so baffled and taken back. How could he honestly try to pick me up and then call me a slut?

"I take it you don't have a boyfriend, otherwise I wouldn't be in this car right now"

Everything that came out of his mouth was revolting. I couldn't believe it, here I was thinking I could do someone a favor or driving a drunk ass home- and he was assuming who I was. As wasted as he was, I was pissed and let him know that this "nice" car he complimented was my mother's, and these beautiful eyes he was looking into, have only seen the world for 16 years. I said I was a cheerleader at a highschool here in Jacksonville and how did it feel to know that he asked a girl 10 years younger than him to fuck?

Well I will tell you what, he seemed more sober after that. And what still amazed me is that he proceeded to ask me inside. Even after I said I was 16. He didn't stop trying to kiss me and I don't understand how he didn't stop because I would be awfully EMBARASSED if I tried kissing a dude and I got a hand shoved in my face that pushed me away. I'd get the hint.

Karma is a bitch because nobody makes me feel like shit and gets away with it. I hope that dent in his wallet doesn't mean too much.

*to those who truly cared and were worried and upset with me last night- my deepest apologies. ive learned my lesson. BUT IM TAKIN YOU OUT TO DINNER NOW!!!!! MY TREAT SUCKA!!!
actually woke up and went to class today...woop woop....A- on my core paper....woop woop....excellent job on my quiz...working tonight....busy day tomorrow....7:45am till 10ish tomorrow night...NON STOP...life is good...wished i had someone to really take out to dinner...lol...hey did you know that the spanish american war was between SPAIN AND AMERICA not mexico? weird, i totally guessed mexico cause they speak spanish ya know...?

I knew, You'd Love Me As Long As You Wanted- And Then Someday You'd Leave Me For Somebody New....

I haven't heard from him since...Monday? Yes that's right,he called me on Monday night. It was a short conversation, very dull very bland,

J: "Do You still hate me?"
Me: "Why yes! Not much has changed in twenty-four hours! Do not hate me?"
J: "No, I do..."

Silence- [why the hell would I say anything?]
More silence....

J: "Hows life?"
Me: "Swell, I'd ask about yours but I'm not gonna lie to you anymore- that question hasn't entered my mind once since our conversation."
J: "You know I thought I could talk to you but I guess I can't..."
Me: "Oh but you should have known that you couldn't talk to someone as fat as me, right?"
J: "That's all that is left after the inner beauty is gone..."

CLICK!

Don't call me with sencerity then when I'm not the girl I was before, be a jerk agian. I don't know who he thinks he is calling me all those 5th grade insults and then trying to act like nothing happened. I'm glad he hasn't called me back. I don't ever want to see that 813 number show up on my phone ever agian. When I see that number all I feel is anxiety in my heart. That and maybe a few good nights of sex.

That's all Jer was to me after awhile though. Good sex. Unlike him, it never took a part of my heart to be with him in that manner. I can remember the pain in his eyes and concern in his voice when he asked why I called it "Sex". To him it wasn't sex at all. "We" weren't just having a moment that could serve a purpose and then that was it....it was making love. Maybe that's where the confusion and anxiety derived from. I don't know what love is.



Hey!!...DOCTOR!...jk...i wish i wasnt thinking about, well you know...that....but i am...its everywhere...in my room...anyways...hey, havent seen my friend this month...wtf...cant stress cause that makes it all worse...ill never get it if i worry...i think im ok...?...have a book to read tonight...my excuse to not go out...i do want to, and i dont...maybe ill let the dust settle a little bit...i know its no big deal...i just dont want to be around it tonight...i hate jer...ugh i hate him so much....im such an idiot...wokring tonight...id love to close for danielle but i have a little test tomorrow and i havent read the book...im an idiot...goin to Gville this weekend...dinner with jeff and the fam...lunch with mom and switching cars...might go to newberry backyard BBQ...haha...jer told me i couldnt go there with anyone cause it was our place...SORRY...

Stumbling I Fall Away- It's Hard To Make A Change...

Waking up from a sleep like that is rough. I half expect something to change from the time we went to sleep at the ludacrous hours of the night. I always doze of with false hope in the back of my mind though not too evident due to exhaustion.

The light or something in me saying my eyes haven't seen the world for too long, wakes me up and subconsciously I'm thinking about looking at the clock. But the clock, where the hell is it? We keep it on top of my desk-

Oh wait. I found it, and it's not on our desk this morning. He keeps it over there by his closest. My eyebrows turn towards eachother in discontent and I cover my face with my hands and roll over into the fetal position. Emotional sighs seep between my fingertips and from between the cracks I can see... and it's similar mornings like these that I feel like I have really lived and felt beyond what others do.

Moving and breathing should be kept to a bare minimum. Because each person is different, and you can't tell a light sleeper from a heavy one. I'd rather just not chance it. The last thing I want is our eyes catch glance of each others. There isn't much there. Maybe a hint of "good morning" but I'd never say it. Fumbling around in the morning is silent, maybe small talk as we sort through clothes and blankets tainted with insignificant lust.

Sometimes they kiss you goodbye, other times I don't let them have the chance. I'd rather not stand in front of my open car door and wait for something that isn't there. So I wave with a smile and wait till he goes back inside or drives away, then sit there for a second. I don't listen to music much on the drive back. Maybe something with symbolic lyrics, but I like to reflect. Verses like these are running through my head and it's then that I know these experiences at least serve one good purpose. I go straight to the shower. In my foolish mind I'm magically running a bar of soap down my body and his taste is gone. In my mind I'm taking it off my body, therefore my memory. But putting myself back together for the day, I'm naked in front of the mirror and all those experiences are the first thing I see.

Maybe I just need better soap?


long night...good night...fun night....nothing to complain about...class this morning was painful...about to run some errands....class tonight...THEN IM SLEEPING!!!! I CANT WAIT!!!! school is almost out....haha sucka.

Oh God It's Raining, But I'm Not Complaining...

He grabs the side of my cheeck which pauses the kisses I'm slowly leaving down his chest. I take my time and look up with questions in my eyes as to why I was stopped.

His face looks sencere and concerned when he finally asks, "If you had it your way, what would this be to you?"

Wonderful, I think. There is either a right or wrong answer. If it's emotionally meaningful, to him I'm getting attatched. And if I'm growing too close then he might stop what little relationship we have. If I say I don't know or something along those dismissing lines, I'm using him and agian, I'll be left alone.

To me, our hearts would beat to the same tune that we hummed while walking hand in hand down the beach. And that way,our love making would be a declaration of something greater than ourselves.

But I look away from his glare as I realize I don't even know his favorite song. Nor do we touch eachother unless united by this bed or sheets. I understand the insignificance of my existence to him, so I take the initiative to avoid disapointment,

and take a mouthful instead. He'll soon forget that he even spoke to me.

true story...it's intense...i know..."im sorry, im a friend!"...."i appreciate your honesty! but it still hurts!"...a little will ferril in there to lighten up the mood....its quite an interesting concept though....agreed?...i wouldnt necessarily take a mouthful, but it seems so raw....that im sure many women do....someone out there can testify to this feeling....it must be happening right this second to someone around the world...and im their saving grace if and when they find it.....i can be the emotion behind it...

school is gay...this i know for sure....almost home....2 weeks....SUCKING AT LIFE LATELY....feeling like the joke they always call me....but whatever....relish today remorse tomorrow....swell

Walking Past The Lonely Ones With Eyes As Cold As Stone

I hope when I open my phone to answer, it is never agian his voice on the end. That's really all I can say. Suprisingly there aren't any words descriptive enough to fully capture the hate I hold for him. Well I suppose that's not entirely suprising, considering there aren't many words to best describe the discomfort an eyelash caught in your eye can be. It's so annoying, that even I can't explain how to depict such a narrative. I could never make the reader drop my story and feel like they wished they had no eyelashes, just because that's how horrible it is...You can't even see.

Amazingly, I'm nonchalant. I'm laying here with this face like you wouldn't believe. If you heard the things he said to me, you'd call me crazy for not burning the phone that simply received his calls. But I'm just sitting back and glancing out the window occasionally at the geese chasing each other in the lake below my hall. As they skid across the water after one another,I smile lightly, but without much feeling. Looks like play, but not even society's top scientists can get into their mind and figure out if their actions are inflicted by anger.

Our voices were cordial. I anwered every call after he hung up on me with the sweetest of Hello's. And judging from the outside, we were simply speaking as friends. But they can't see inside our raging minds set ablaze by mindless insults and maybe even hints of truth. Just like the geese perhaps.

I wonder how long before I finally break down out of discontent and remorse? This time it might be okay to let myself go behind closed doors, because he expects me not to. My tone was incredibly careless and frank, not an emotional one that threatens sadness. He said he knows my heartless character all too well and the second our call has ended- I'll go back to being me agian without a peice of my hearted chipped off. Maybe he's right. I will probably go running tonight and forget for that time that I even spoke to him.

But I'll shower off this front I'm putting up after I jog, and it's then that I give him what he didn't even know I had in me. THOUGHT.

next thing...that's boring....

I don't know how to explain the emotion that came over me last night. I guess it was derived from pain and then a sense that the night was most likely lacking thought. I suppose I felt significantly less of myself for not being able to stand up to lust. This is why we leave him behind in a memory of that one night instead of taking him with us in our future days to come. Stupid girl.

I enjoy his company though. Makes me laugh. Who can make me laugh? (Besides D & H?) Exactly.

Still hard though. Snap out of it Sarah, you do not cry.



went to the beach today...nice day...dinner with beth and all of carrabbas...got made fun of for feeding scraps...stressing out...over school...wishing sometimes i had no friends...no life...and i could be so smart...but thats lonely...weekend was long...had a good time for the most part...this is getting old though...im ready for something more...something more meaningful...i guess that comes later...how gay...jer called me fat...im not thin...but when he wanted to marry me i was no skinnier than i am now...hes just mad...right?...am i as unattractive as he says?...danielle says no...i rarely believe him anymore...he doesnt believe me either...silly to have a false friendship...stupid girl...dont know what ill do with math...or core....I HATE THIS.....ive been secretly falling apart from this stupid UNF shit...id be so perfect without it...im done....over and out...

Sometimes I Can't Find The Lightswitch...Sometimes I'd Rather, Dwell In The Darkness

I wanted to say that this isn't the me, that I want you to know. This isn't the person who accuratly represents who I am. The "me" you met last night, was drunk. And maybe I can use that excuse one more time, and still have it be valid. And my actions would suddenly be justified in that one small word,

drunk.

I was looking at the small light pouring in from underneath the door, wishing we might still be out there. Out of what we were doing. That's not me by choice, is what I'll say this time. I wanted you to learn and experience. But not the way you did. And that's okay too, because nobody wants to learn and experience these days in the way that I do. So I accept it and live nights like the one we just had. Apparently, it's fun. I don't think it's so much fun. If I met someone that gave me the idea they weren't like everyone else, then maybe I'd stop. If I still believed in promises and faith, only then would I be firm in my declines. I more wanted you, or anyone, to say no. To say this isn't how I want to know you. But nobody I meet thinks like that.

So now, the word "no" is just for fun. I say "no" with a devious smile. Who says "no" with a smile?

I'm almost 100 percent positive that you can read somebody if you look. If you looked at my smile when I'm exposed the way that I was in front of you- it's lacking. There's more to a smile than just lips and I haven't found one person since Jeremy to point out my discomfort amidst laughter. I wanted you, someone, anyone, to look into my eyes and identify my apprehension.

But they never do. So I have to find some way to avoid that disapointment.

It makes me feel better to pretend that they are nobody. I'm the one with character and personality and this amazing life, while they go back to nothing. That's why it's better to not talk. I don't want any information. I don't want to know where your from. I don't care to hear about stories that molded you into the person you are, and I most certainly do not want to listen to your love history. I don't. People don't realize the bonds you make with another just by simply listening. Taking in information that brings the two of you to a common ground is building some kind of relationship.

Sometimes afterwards they would want to talk. And I would say give me a minute and we will talk. I'd close my eyes and just before I slipped into sleep, I'd say
"talk to me, and I'll listen". It's hard to completely tune out an individual's voice. I listened the frist time, and after that scenario ran its course I never had trouble ignoring agian. I don't want to know the things that they have to tell me.

Because it hurts to see family phots, and it makes me regret to see pictures of another amazing life, just like mine.

It's then that I know the two of ours could never be amazing together...

Gift That I'm Burnin' All At Once...

Selfish can be best defined by the lack of thought for other people, and the ignorant idea that one's ideas and feelings are the same as the majority. Also characterized by high images of one's self without thinking realistically about flaws.

(i'll give myself this: i realize my flaws!)

I guess I'll always be selfish. In some way or another. Perhaps it's because I'm an only child. Maybe we can blame it on that. But I hate to be one with an "external locust of control" so I'm just going to say that I'm characterised by selfishness. I can't imagine the world not running as smoothly as I expect it to, nor for people to act out in any other way than in favor of me. But don't most people feel that way? Maybe not...

But this ought to work out for me the best way right? After all it is my life.

But last night perhaps for the first time I honestly wondered if I would get my way. Maybe it wasn't the first time I doubted my self-centered thoughts, but I actually acknowledged that the possibility of inevitable failure was there with me while I was driving last night.

I questioned whether or not someone else will love me like Jeremy did.

"Of course Sarah, but your young and it doesn't have to be right now. If someone loved you better than Jeremy and you loved them back, you should have a ring on your finger...or at least a relevant image of one..."

And there it is. I heard it over and over in my head. Not right now. I can't grasp my mind over the fact that some things don't come easy. And you know what, there is a possibility that the love I wished for so much was Jeremy. And that was my only chance. And I blew it. Never ever will mine and his relationship go back to the way it was. He can't even love a girl who is better than me, the way he loved me. He just can't. I did irrevocable (sp.) damage and not until he's secure in a relationship will he show that side of him.

Selfishly, I thought if I told him I had changed and that I wanted his love back...he would go back too. Even now, looking back at all the things I did, I still don't see why he won't. To me, all I see is that someone won't give me what I asked for. I begged and cried too. That's a lot of work for just something I want. It didn't work. And I'm not honest or dedicated enough to put real time and effort into something I desire. Why can't it be handed it to me without a fuss? And that's completely earth shattering. Because the more I know I can never have it, the more I want it.

He knows my character well enough by now. I know he now thinks it's just a game. Before, It was tough to get his heart back. But I always got it. Each time it was a little more harder and every try I gave I swore that time I truly wanted it. But once he fell to his knees with his heart in his hands wrapped in a pretty bow, I would find something better to put fake effort into.

That's sad. Selfish. And lamentable. [How can I expect to be mature enough to find a relationship with the attitude of always wanting more?] With a little hope and trying, it will go away...? Tomorrow I might wake up and realize that I'm just another insignificant individual in this universe that doens't amount to even one percent of the whole picture in this lifetime. I'll look in the mirror and say, "who are you? to think the way you do?"

And I'll walk down the hall and maybe smile at someone passing by, or open a door instead of getting lost in my own head without regard for anything but me.

um...thats heavy duty stuff....i hate to be so serious with myself...pointing out my flaws and such...but really its not as bad as i make it out to be...im not that selfish...i like to make things more dramatic than they alredy are...but trust me...im selfish....i like to write my own way...and though what im doing now is grammatically incorrect....i like it...and these little dots....are fun....so talking in fragments is my style...i appreciate non-complete thoughts....and everyone else should too....right? selfishness!
class tonight...work tomorrow....found that i will be spending the WHOLE summer at USF....woop woop....im thrilled....even more excited that i dont get to go to seattle...however i will be nice and ahead of the game when i get back...see i got a good head on my shoulders....any guy would be lucky to have me....if he was worthy enough...look! see there i go, selfish. tisk tisk..tanned today...burnt my butt...ouch...beauty is pain though right...not like anyone will see my ass...well not EVERYONE, but someone will be this weekend... i hope...haha...might train to be a server at carrabbas....weird...mom says id actually have to TRY and be nice and personable...wow....really?....thats tough....might work on my people skills...but i got big boobs...dimples...and fat lips that look like they are good for one thing...im pretty sure people will find me pleasant to look at....see, selfish!

Your The Only One Who Really Knew Me At All....

Yesterday when we finally spoke I said I was fine! That there was no need to stress about upsetting an individual that wasn't even there. Sounds like I'm pushing myself down, but truthfully what do I matter. Not trying to sound problematic anymore,but I just don't see the relevance in worrying over me.

Well I guess it was weird when I was speaking because we both knew what I was saying. And it hurt to hear him speak as well. I contradicted everything I pleaded for and I'm sure it makes him wonder how honest I was being in the past. But hey, I wasn't lying, but now I just want to do for me. It was hard to hear his dissatisfaction at the way our relationship stands now. I was perfectly fine with being an object of desire...I guess. I'm not going to deny that it hurt sometimes wondering if we could actually sit and watch a movie, and that be the end of it. But in order to successfully finish anything we first had to...yeah you get the idea.
And I was fine with that, I wasn't in love with him, it didn't take a part out of my heart when we kissed. (I know that's even more of a reason agianst it)

But the truth of the matter is, my heart goes out for an unfortunate being like himself. It's just one thing after the other with him. He'll be in GA for awhile, most likely won't be able to finish out the semester, and go through a series of doctor trips and meds.

I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I could see it in my dreams, I could feel it in my stomach every time I checked my phone to find zero missed calls. I knew that there was something behind it. Gives me this weird feeling though, to feel so intuitive with Jer. But I knew in my heart that there was something so wrong. I could feel it rushing through me as I was calling every "Parker" in Gainesville to find his dad, and calling all of the Gyms in the Brandon area to find his work...

I knew I was right too...

angies subs today...class....work....woo hoo....did staduims last night!...bought clothes at AF that I shouldn't have...I swear I'm done...i swear...working tonight at carrabbas at 5...someone from a long time ago is coming into town....WEIRD....i cant really remember our experiences together, but I think they were okay....weird, but okay...it was better when we weren't speaking....and couldnt see eachother due to a dark bedroom....oh gosh....i dont know if this is a good idea...

Oh The Regrets I Have...

Frightened the shit out of my poor roommate Danielle last night. Tisk tisk...I woke up in a state of terror from the unknown.

We worry about a test grade, and we worry how we are going to get the weekend off of work to party...but this isn't like that.

Saturday I was selfish. Shocked that someone could actually ditch me on a Saturday night. Sunday afternoon I was curious while expecting to maybe get a call. I planned out every chastizing word into a huge speech that ought to make him feel so low. And Sunday evening I wondered. Wondered why this had never happened before, why when we planned to speak and meet, we didn't.

I'd like to believe that Jeremy isn't like that. That something happened to justify these awful feelings I have. And at the same time I hope he is being a jerk because I don't know what I would do if something happened to him that night after he left my house.
Funny how fear makes you think, think really hard about what you should have said or how you ought to have behaved.

I wish when he left I wasn't bitter about his departure. I wish when I called him back that night instead of saying mindless words and wasteful conversation I would have told him how much he means to me and describe the chaos my life would consists of if he wasn't in it.

I've wracked my brain over this and Monday is almost over without an answer as to why or what. I hate to sound dramatic and that there is a perfectly good reason as to why he isn't answering my calls...but what is it!? Even if Jeremy hated my guts he would send my calls straight to voicemail so that I knew he was ignoring me (yes...i'm speaking from much experience).

If I keep worrying like this I'll go insane. I'm tempted to look up his ex GF's number...yeah that's how desperate I am to know if everything is ok. If I haven't heard from him by wednesday I'll try to call her. Let's hope it doesnt get to that point.

working at abercrombie tonight till 9.....busy day....still have to finish my volunteer hours...figure out my apartment situation next year...i cant wait to have a stove and oven....i cant wait til the summer....t minus one month!!!

I Wasn't Alone Last Night, But I May As Well Been

I walked down the hall to get a pillow to rest my aching neck on. Half way back to the couch I realized I only grabbed one. Funny I had to first see it before the simple courtesy came to my mind. That's just one thing.

He laid his head down on my shoulder two nights ago. It took me 10 seconds of debating and 5 seconds of telling myself no, before that invisible force pushed my resisting head down on top of his. And to him it seemed like endearment, but to me it was like duty. what of that?

I want them all when I'm too far away, and the only thing I can have is their voice across the phone lines. Sure sure, I'm madly in love and wishing to try but only when the committment isn't staring me in the eyes.

I don't get it either. Either one:
PERFECT. In every way they are both perfect. And I'm sure with a little time and effort I could have what I believe to be so grand in my life. Either one would be looking on in amazement at the ridiculous things I say or do, while I giggle with playful guilt knowing how foolish I purposely act. Either could watch me tear apart my food at dinner and listen to my extravagant reasons for mutilating my meal. But I don't think that I'd want them to in a sense where they could claim my amusing characteristics...

But why?

Saturday night I sat alone and watched three love story-based movies on demand. In a sense, I wasn't alone but I may as well been. He passed out on my shoulders not even 10 minutes after he laid on the couch. It was sweet and a smile gently came across my face as I watched him sleep. But my sencere glances were just that- sencere glances that couldn't be taken any further in emotion due to uncontrollable, unknown reasons.

Sometimes I wonder if my "passion" or maybe even "obsession" for love is misfortune in itself. Maybe those who don't really care to think about it, will be the ones who really find it. Perhaps those who don't spend their life dreaming about the day when the search ends- will never look agian. Sometimes when I'm driving, or taking a shower, I pretend like I'm apathetic. When I'm walking down the hall I give myself this false demeanor and in my mind I'm repeating to myself, "I'm thinking of today only and not tomorrow..."
It makes me feel like I've cheated the world into believing that I don't care anymore.

But that day will end like others and the next will find me bitterly thinking about how everyone else has fallen in love and I have yet to experience it.

taking a break from that stupid story and all of it's stupid details that i don't want to write or think about.

my passion is my downfall. nothing i write will ever been good enough. i dont know how to express myself without criticizing it. there's no point in even editing that dumb thing cause something is missing and i dont know what. i can add all the thoughts and imagery i want to- something is lacking.

i hate jeremy and all his hidden agendas anyways. i don't want to be with him now, i just want to have him as a friend. friend being defined as someone who does NOT screw you over...

bought a dress for 7 dollars today...it's quite an amazing dress too...i love the deals i get....wemt rollerblading with jayden marie on the causeway today....very chilly...very windy...called jer about a million times today...very unsucessful....very gay!...tonight...?...don't know....wing house w/ some boys...i hope not....