Ever thought of people in terms of objects? Possibly flirting with the idea about how SIMILIAR they truly are?

He spoke to me triumphantly-though the sound never touched my ears. His lips moved steadily to a beat that I couldn't get into;
Not my style.
Amazingly all my attention was drawn to a single white candle among numerous red ones. It stood aloof with indifference to its seemingly obvious minority. Being a person who doesn't look twice at the smaller things in life, I found the significance of the candle to be an unknown, annoying mystery. What the hell was it about a candle that I cared so much for? Perplexing questions glazed my unblinking eyes fixated on the vanilla scented candle. Why was I not drawn to him? My worries consisted only of that candle lost in a crimson sea. He compared easily with those red candles alligned in conformity.
They all needed some decoration to hide behind-
Some kind of outrageous price or a pretty saucer to lie upon...
All in order to augment their featureless existence.
Almost always does one find themselves dissatisfied with the pretty candle that doesn't soak the room with it's scent; wishing they had chosen the underdog and thought twice before they made such a frivolous purchase.

Am I the only person who sees space as a GOOD thing? Spending everyday with someone can be a bit exhausting, so perhaps "me time" isn't too ridiculous of an idea if you ask me. Is it honestly wrong if I don't invite a 22 year old to hang out with some 18 year olds...? If I was older I would DEFINATLY pass on chilling with kids under my age group- regardless of how much LOVE I carry for a person.
I remember when I was with Jay we did things seperately which went over easily with the both of us. We would do our own thing with our own friends and see eachother later. The idea of my friends around him seemed gay and I agreed which is one of the reasons why I never invited him. The second reason was a mutual understanding that too much time isn't too good.
Maybe my philosophy is wrong...? But I doubt it.

Sarah and David 

Five graduating at one time... I can only imagine the excitement and the intense feelings of being proud. Graduation from high school is one of the greatest stepping stone accomplishments and everyone will be anxious to see what happens next 

I remember this day, as if it was only yesterday. The farther away from a relationship we got, the better it seemingly was. 

Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me...

It's sad to dream as though nothing in the world has changed, when in all reality everything is different. I used to think that my dreams were an adventurous escape; even amusing only because they reflected truth at the time. It's still the truth that I see when I close my eyes, but it's too old to consider it appealing.

Those familiar places, laughs, and feelings got worse with age and now seem acrid to my senses. It angers me to be put back in the same place every night without fail, and wake up every morning with the same sinking disapointment as I realize I've been alone.

Not just the devastating point of being alone, but also small. Many days ago not so far away from this one I felt as though nobody could bring me down. It seems as though no matter how many loving souls I'm surrounded by I'm still lonely. I can't count the smiles that come my way and the complaints of my with drawing...
But I'm still too small in my heart to take notice.

I almost believed HIM. Amidst all the anger and screaming, I almost fell for those comments that only tried to bring me down and throw HIM up. I think HE said it to show light on his goodness that I supposedly "ignore" and to expose what my past meant to HIM.

"He used you"
"He didn't care about you"

I thought about it hard after that. It seems like useless words spit out in the heat of the moment but they hit hard. I thought about if he used me, then he would have kept me and took all I had. But there were several instances where he could have chosen to lose it all if not for my clever speeches and persistant emotions. If there was no care in his heart, why then did he spend an hour (when we were dead tired at 2:00am) to lecture me on why I shouldn't do the things I was doing and how it could deeply affect my life. Why would he also take the time to extend his discomfort to Jessica for involving me in such delinquincy..? Seems like something I would surely look over if I cared little for a person.
And now the calls are starting to add up. Once here, two times there...
Why call when your so far away and the likely hood of reuniting seems next to never.

Then I remembered HIS words so cruel and tormenting, and I knew that they were wrong. It felt good to listen to that voice and be soothed to comfort knowing that he DOES care and I shouldn't be listening to anyone-
Because in all reality nobody saw what I saw
Nobody felt what I felt
And there isn't one person that can make claims or judgements on my experiences to the extent of being affected. Shame on him for going to that insecure level in attempts to push me his way.

In the beginning, one never contemplates thoughts of the end. It seems so far away; the ideas too intangible to bother with. With that being said, the day that ended my highschool career was something that seemed not to pertain to me. I didn't think I'd see the day when I could wake up on my own time on a Wednesday and think nothing of an upcoming chemistry lab and swimming practice on top of that. Today I feel as though it's another Friday that brings a football game and two days of nothing until the routine starts agian on Monday.
Instead I'm answering Jason's

"What the hell are you gonna do NOW?"

with

"I'm just passin the time till summer classes start at University of North Florida"

How incongrues to come out of my lips and roll off my toungue; the words speaking of COLLEGE. I can only imagine what the following month can bring me...

I can specifically recall the time when I heard a conversation about shooting someone. I remember being speechless and wide eyed as I just listened to their reasoning and how shallow it really was. I wondered what would possibly consume such a wonderful person to do such a horrible act to another, and this wasn't the first time I made a discovery about someone I thought I knew so well. Perhaps it was the way that we were both raised...? Me coming from a secure and more stable backround compared to his so jumpy and deliquincy-like. But he came out okay despite some mental and physical scars, and a mind set that I wished everyday would change for mine and other peoples favor.
I thought in my head of some instance that I could possibly relate to or connect with in some way so that maybe the idea wasn't so insane.
Like a flame catching some material to set the world ablaze, that memory came to me and unfolded like wild fire; burning across the back of my eye lids.

That day didn't happen long enough ago for me to forget that I'd been hit in such a way that equaled out to being shot. It hurt just as much if not worse for the scars have sustained the length of time and ebrasion of beatings from the feelings behind the theoretical "gun" that were even less careful. I can vividly recall laughing, playing, teasing, and then pain followed by a long silence. My body froze and an uncomfortable stillness surrounded me as I stared in astonishment at that which I believed to know so well. Held captive by the sight I didn't move an inch and nothing went through my head but fear, as though it might jump out agian strike a final time. How, when I had spent so much time and effort on something could it turn around and hit me in such a way to lose my breath and trail of thought...?
Staring at those images and symbols of lust was like one hard pound on the door of unhappiness, and I swore to withdraw and never agree to do such a seemingly innocent favor of affection.
These loving hands retired as an aide in relaxation and long will it be due to fright before they see those familiar days agian.

After so long, I'm starting to believe that this infinite agony and I are truly meant to be;therefore, the wishes can keep coming and I might as well accept the beautifully horrific fact that my world and dreams revolve around that existence...
But it can never put an end to it all;you who I cleverly pretend to ignore but secretly love to adore.

Nah...
I can keep kissing the palms of my hands with a wish as I throw them up on the ceiling of my car and pass through a yellow light- But nobody hears my plea nor do they care to listen for it.
Doesn't matter how many dandelion petals I blow away to the wind with only one try- It isn't as though they fly away in search of gaining my loss.
Crazy notion of mine, to think the favor would be completed after all I've done...

But knowing the true person you are, I only pretend to not notice for your sake. And seemingly fabricate a love for you;
who I deeply and sencerely abhor.

I can see where this is going...
Another wasted year of my fucking life spent writing endlessly of
BULLSHIT
about a subject that
NO LONGER
pertains to me
Until finally I'm reunited with the
PROBLEM
and laugh at how foolish my
FEEBLE
mind really was.

Won't be anything fancy due to the sleeping pills I just downed in deep agitation. Mellow is my mood and very dull from exhaustion, but still I'm the center of chaos and slapped with ridiculous assumptions. I find it quite amazing the places that one can go with IGNORANCE at hand. Being someone who finds Ignorance to be Bliss in many aspects of life; it's a stretch for me to say it. However, all I've heard today are ignorant comments and accusations. I've really kept a low profile and cared little for aguements and literally didn't say what I wanted or what could have been said at many remarks.
"You don't love me nor do you respect me"
(That's right I just FAKE it when we laugh and spend what little time we have together. And I really hate it when I clean up the house and inquire as to what your plans are)
"You wouldn't have listened to me last night even if I asked"
(Bull shit considering I called and OFFERED)
"You lie about everything"
(Mmmhmmm and when I ask what EXACTLY I always lie about I'm suffocated in "uhs" and "ums")
"I would have never known that Gavin was coming to town if not for reading it"
(Yeah okay, here was my plan: I'd hide Gavin in the closet when you came over, I'd duck tape his mouth shut so he wouldn't talk when you called,and I'd leave him with my dog when I went to hang out...It was all fool proof but damn! You caught me!)

I'm so fucking tired of hearing from everyone else what I am, what I do, and what I feel. Go to fucking hell cause no matter how much knowledge they all think they have on me...they just make empty claims in frusteration of the UNKNOWN!
Fucking Retreds

It's hard not to believe that every person acts upon reason. Though I try to convince myself that it isn't always so; sadly I recognize the truth of every matter. People don't do random things without logic behind them. There's a plot behind everything.

So I wondered to myself why I got that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of pure neglect. Considering my happy situation with Panda Express, I would have never imagined any discomfort. But I remembered what today was: Wednesday the 12th, and probably at any given moment he'd be flying over my head without any efforts of goodbye. Most people fly in the morning; it was 11:30 and I had that familiar feeling of being let down. The very thought made me so angry I stopped eating and threw up in the bathroom.
"Oh my god," I thought, "How ridiculous and incongrues of me to lose control in a place where PEOPLE can actually SEE my emotions and realize that I'm upset..." Being a person that wants to be viewed as "flawless" in the emotional aspects of life, I was distressed at how I reacted. Why did I do that? How was I not able to handle myself and hold back on something that makes him win? I've always been able to make the tears and swallow them back before anyone caught sight...what happened now that's different?
I don't want to think about the reason behind which I suffered momentarily. I looked at myself in the mirror and repeated the nature's insignificance and lack of merit in regards to anything. Brushed it off my shoulders and walked to my car like I never thought once about him or reacted in such a way that looked dejected.
It's not so much because of him romantically, it's so much more of the relationship part. The bond we had and how close we grew as friends. There's never been a friendship like ours and it hurt to think that he wouldn't have the decency to bid me farewell. My heart was damaged but more so due to the friendship we built.
I was able to take out my anger through sweating uphill at the causeway with Maria...
The more I thought about it the harder I pushed agianst the wind only to prove to myself that I was just as strong and resiliant.
I checked my phone when I got home and sure enough I had a missed call and voicemail from him,
"Good little bitch!" I said with a smile and a laugh. The conversation consisted of him not leaving for another week, being so busy, and what I've been up to. Then it turned as we joked/teased about him hanging out with Asia's cousin tonight. I laughed but I really wanted to say words in a tone of voice he's never heard. She's annoying trash and everything else even worse; these words coming straight from mine and Jessica's mouth AND his.

"Retred"

So I made a miraculous discovery today; perhaps a point that could be pondered by many philosophers to come! There could even be a BOOK about the notion I've come up with and women all over the world could never disagree that:

Laundry is useless.


Don't misinterpret the term usless because I don't mean in a lazy-"I don't want to do shit"-type of way. Useless, not meaning that it's tediously annoying, but a different way of expressing how meaningless it can become. This only pertains to a certain minority of people. And if one isn't in this group of aching souls, laundry is just laundry. Those whose hearts are consumed by nothing but joy find it to be just another task of the day to label "chore". And who could argue? Why try to look deep into a subject that appears so shallow?

At one point in time I thought my clothes got clean. After wearing those shirts and jeans all I had to do at the end of the week was toss them into the washer and amazingly any memory,stain, or blemish was GONE. But today is different and the past year brings many lessons and hardships. Sifting through T-shirts and pulling panties out of jeans is no longer an empty act...I've realized that no matter how many cycles they go through I still see the times I wore them. My Gap jeans have gone through extensive washes but no amount of Spray'n'Wash will remove Gainseville from them and the white button down will forever protrude that solemn drive 2 hours north. I put a lot of soap in there a couple weeks ago hoping that the ketchup stain from Checkers late night would vanish so I could forget how much fun it was, who paid, and why we were there at such a ludacris hour. But I found myself disapointed as I pulled out those Abercrombie shorts for the third time to find the same faint image of a red spot. I might as well give up on those articles and quit scrubbing in pain or washing with obsession; nothing will let me forget. So if laundry hypothetically doesn't wash away anything,I find no point in straining my back hunched over to pull through darks and lights when every peice just fades into one long, sad memory.

I need a new wardrobe.

Looking Back
On Those
More "Perfect Days"
I Question Your Ability
To Perceive
With Accuracy...?
Are You So
Naive
That The Obvious
Disinigration
Between Two People
Just Dissipates
At The Slightest
Remembrance Of Your
Dreams?
Look Agian
To Recognize Those
Hopes Only Seemed
Worthwhile When At The Mercy
Of The Light Switch; Concealing
The Issues At Hand
Until At Last We Both Got
To The Place We Wanted To Be
And Put Back On our Clothes.

Consider the speaker of the poem and to whom she might be adressing...?

Ooohhhh somebody is in trouble...
Personally I'd rather not be a part of this drawn-out and totally not my business, type of situation; however, it seems as though my phone is blowing up with the consistent,
"Where is Jason Sarah, I know you know where he is"
"Sarah I need you to respect us and stop covering for him"
In all honesty: I have no idea where he is, who he's with, or what he is doing. It makes me sick to my stomach. I lost all color in my face listening to how he could be with HER, living and sleeping with HER. But I regained control as well as the pink tint of my cheecks as I heard that he most likely wasn't with her due to her phone calls inquiring of his where abouts. Oh I can't bear the thought of the two of them together, I really really cannot. Just knowing the small bit of history between them that I do, I couldn't stand it if he were to go back to that. Supposedly the reason why he's left without a trace is because the two of them got in an arguement over me and probably took of. To be quite entirely honest, I don't care who he chooses to be with, as long as it isn't her.
But I don't want to be involved with this whole thing because Shane is wanting me to go with him to his ex-girlfriend's house to talk to him and get what he deserves. UM HELLO! Does it look like I want to be a little bitch coming around her place and getting into her life...? I want nothing to do with any of that, and I'm just a little upset that I was even asked in the first place. What ability do I have over Jason at this point? Maybe a few weeks ago I could have done something in their favor but It's totally out of my hands. I find it absolutely amazing how one person can see so many faults, errors in character, and issues in the mind of another; yet still feel no different. I don't look at him with any judgement and I still miss him dearly. And why? Why when I know what he's doing to the couple drowing in bills? Why when I acknowledge the fact that he hasn't even called to say hello? If he wants to leave everyone behind, why can't he atleast say goodbye to me? To ME, I'm not like them or anyone else in his eyes and I can't understand why he won't come to me for help. I'm his friend and I would be there for him and wouldn't call him out or judge him; "I'm different" remember?
Funny how that affect comes from those feelings...

Gavin is coming to town on the 24th of May. I'm so excited to see him agian and spend time with him! To be truthful to myself and to anyone else that notices, things have changed. It's no false claim to say that I'm alone and without obligations, but I'm not about to start anything that could conjure up any feelings for either of us. We've spoken and reminisced of the Summer, but we won't be hooking up or getting together. It's true I felt something for him and still care for him, but I don't get to the point that one is supposed to feel when it's "right". I know we'll remain close, but far enough for anybody that might have envy. The plan is to go to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure and probably Gainseville for three days. It makes me happy to know that the two of them together will be with me! Probably the only two people now that can remind me that there's something to be happy about and there's hope.

Note to self:
Stay away from the rich man's drug/ the drip is annoying/and the taste is repulsive.

Well let me just say that when I got to Jessica's his stuff wasn't packed at all. I was reluctant to do so, but I remembered leaving a lot of clothes in his closet, so I figured I should take them home and wash them. The first thing I walked into was a million tags and new clothes sprawled all over the room as if he had the best job in the world. But let me remind myself that he's got no job and won't be on his feet until the end of May...? So where may I ask, is he getting the money for these nice clothes? Jessica said I didn't want to know because it would probably upset me, so I left it to that. There are a number of illegal possibilities, but then there are more innocent ones that scare me even worse. I don't want to know anything about his life anymore, I'm done with the messages on the eraser board and the phone tag for plans. Supposedly I'm over it, but I know that I'm not even close.
Anyhow...
Me and Gavin have been speaking agian. We were previously talking a lot, however Jason walked in the picture and I blew off the world with him included. I didn't say that's why I lost so much touch, but I'm sure he can imagine that I don't work 24 hours a day. However, me and Gavin have this special bond that no matter how much time has elapsed or what's happened in our lives, we still have the same feelings. It sounds far fetched, but without him I would feel like there is nothing to look forward to in life. Eventually my heart will find his and things will turn out the way they are supposed to. I remember the first time I met him; at a party with a totally wasted sense of perception. He came in the back door with a hood over his head from the rain and I watched him slowly come in thinking how shady his character looked. But when he took off the hood his face was so soft, and his eyes seemed to grab mine and pull me over to him.
It was different but when I randomly asked for his number he rejected me! The sweet, drunk that wanted to go on a date was DENIED!
"Your a very drunk girl right now and I don't want to give you my number because you won't remember me the next day! Sorry if I don't feel like looking like an idiot"
He was cold to me I thought, but I think he was being shy and protective. He's not the hottest pepper on the plate so it's not like everyone is dying to fork at him,(wow i totally made that up) but that attracts me in a person. I knew from the conversations we were having that he was a genuinely nice guy that was probably taken advantage of in the past. But fate took me to another party that he was at and the second I saw him I yelled out to him from across the room,
"Gavin I'm not drunk and we are making out tonight!!!"
I think I was a little overly excited because we didn't make out but I managed to score the number at last. I'll never forget how we met cause it was like an instant click; like two puzzle peices that fit so perfectly together. You couldn't find me without him after that, and unfortunatly there was much to dispute about and a lot of unwanted drama between the girls. I wasn't blowing them off, I was simply living the last 2 weeks of my summer FOR MYSELF. I've never been the type to think to the extremes when with a person, but I was definatly looking far down the line. I can't explain why but I knew that we were supposed to know eachother and I knew that he was something I needed to experience. I don't have those existing, romantic feelings so much anymore, but I still have feelings for him enough to talk and want to spend time. He'll forever be in my heart but not anything more than memory.

I'm off like a prom dress...

Have to take Jessica to work this afternoon around 2:00pm...I pray that Jason isn't there. In fact, I wish that when I got there the bed would be folded in half and my blankets nice and neat waiting in his empty room.
"What happened to Jason?" I would say in confusion.
"Oh yeah, he moved to New York alone and he's never coming back, but he said that he did love you"
Sad, but I want him gone after knowing that fact that he DID fall for me after trying so hard not to. "Falling in love is for fools" I got that from Jason, I got the ideas from him and everything based around it. He's so right; nothing lasts forever and those that do struggle too much for it to be considered worth while. Maybe Jason is bitter and I just haven't found TRUE love...?
How do I know that it's love anyways? Barbielostken.blogspot.com explored the subject, she's bright. I want to have the same intellect as that girl...my hero.

Oh so bored on this lovely Saturday night, but I suppose I put myself here in the kitchen with nothing else to do but write. I think this is what I really wanted anyways; to be alone and enjoy the stillness of nothing but the steady rythm of my breath. There isn't one person in my life at the moment that I can say brings me any goodness or joy. So why would I want to be around those who only bring me down? I'm so unhappy right now it's almost sickening to the point of rushing out of my chair into the bathroom, and why? Because I'm not spending time with Jay as previously planned Friday morning, because the one person that I need right now to do some good in my life isn't here with me now...
and that last line is purposely ambigious for that "one person" can be taken for many.
I want to leave, up and move out of this hell hole that I TOLERATE. I always dreamt of moving to the origin of my happiness after college...but why wait? Why should I put myself on hold? It doesn't make sense to do such a thing because Florida is conveinant. I don't want to be here and nobody would care if I was or wasn't.