When Your Not Here- It's Hard To Pretend...

That I could use this as a take it or leave it situation.

Embarassing could be best described as I remember back to the heated moments where I told myself,
"This is under my control"

And it is, until we're done and your ready to leave me. Then I lose my grip when the doors shuts with you behind it, and I'm sitting on my bed wishing that there was still the newness of the relationship, while your driving and the distance between us only grows.

Take me back to the seasons before this one so that I might make the alterations and manipulate the situations to where you'd have fallen deeper in love me to the point of no return. That way the bruises on your heart wouldn't seem so tender, and we could both have

What we wanted.

Get The Hell Out- I'm Definitly The Type Of Girl You'd Want To Leave

And then they say I'm just being modest. And it isn't until they smell some other cologne that they understand finally that I was not joking in the slightest.

You find me one decent guy that doesn't think, act, or deceive like I do and I will gladly give him a chance. Now that I have played the game, discovered tricks to hide my tracks- I see how easy it is. And most of all I watch how gullible people are even when the odds are agianst them.

Although I have (bite my toungue)....been thinking about him. He who doesn't not (yes i know its a double negative) know anything about me, who when I said jump to here he went way over and out of the way over there. There was nothing that he wouldn't do and nothing he wouldn't say to make me understand the lengths he'd go for my love. So why now I'm asking myself do I think of him?
If you ask me it's bad news. I'm under the impression that there can be nothing positive to come out of it. He won't love me agian like he did...

I could deal with all the technicalities later (distance, work, goals) just so long as I knew he wanted me and nobody else. That's really all that matters right?

I think I could change. I think I could be the girl he'd never want to leave

(been doing way too much shopping at home....having fun with jer....glad to have seen tiff and denny...good music, great dog, happy mother....what else is there in life? oh yeah, i've had some good sex too. gotta get back on track with school when i go home tomorrow. get goin with A&F job, volunteering, MATH tutoring, and NOT MISSING CLASS!!!!!)

Going Home Will Be Like

A much anticipated cigarette after a long day.

It is the most amazing to me, after all those years living there, the emotions and warmth it brings me just to see familiar grounds. I've memorized the back roads to everywhere and I know where the end of each road lies.

I see roads everyday here in Jacksonville and I wonder: "Where do they go?"

Even if I knew where they emptied out into, it's not like I would care. They don't fulfill me in any way so I just stop imagining.

I can't wait till my toes sink into the sand at the beach where me and so many memories have walked. I'm just imagining basking in the sun that freckled my sand key beach dwelling body and the difference will be more obvious than a screaming baby amidst a silenced library.

How Come I Never Hear You Say- I Just Want To Be With You? Guess You Never Felt That Way...

I learn a lot in Jacksonville. I'm more of an observer than actually living here. I serve my purpose of school work and lectures...but I can't breathe here.

Catching air up North is rough, but in Dunedin my lungs will fill up so big that I'm amazed they don't burst. This lifestyle is just another one of the many getaways I thought would save myself. But here I am three floors above the ground with some strange lake sitting outside my window- and all my troubles are lying under the blankets with me. Atleast back when I was home I had someone to turn to. How can I go from being within ear shot of my mother down the hall...to this emptiness.

I remember I used to close the door because she breathed so heavy I could hear her. She used to keep me up and it took a loud fan and a pillow over my ears to make the noise drown out. Now as I lie awake while the world sleeps I think about what I wouldn't give to go back for just a night. And belong there like I used to, with my room untouched and messy with high school books, clothes, and pictures.

I used to fall asleep with the image of the neighbors roof and their sattelite dish slightly covered by trees...now sometimes when I see the stars and nothing else I just close my eyes and pretend I'm looking at that roof agian. And instead of closing the door- this time I leave it open just so I know she's there.
...................................................................................................

Going home for the night wasn't the smartest idea I've had so far. It's not healthy to go from one to the other in hopes of forgetting. It only intensifies the pain I guess.
Mark hasn't said anything to me until today.
he went ice skating last night with everyone...but i only heard his voice from a distance. i caught him stealing glimpes of me but what does that mean anyways? i hear one thing from her on friday and saturday and then i hear something else from carrabbas people.
I'd like to hear the truth now...
texting him was just something i thought i had to do- he fucked up not me. and im thinking im too mean and unapproachable (he knows this well enough) to talk to. he said he tried talking to me and i said bull shit. i got one of those "you can even ask dan" type lines. whatever dude. i said if you really think that theres something of worth to say- ill listen. " you did me so wrong and STILL came out on top with a GIRLFRIEND" thats a good line
eager to hear what hes got to say

How Can I Put It? He Put Me on...I Even Fell For That Stupid Love Song

I'm tired. Tired of exterting so much energy into the unknown, thinking it's worth while due to promises that turned out empty after all.

How can he look at himself in the mirror everyday and claim to be something he's not. How can he degrade everything a relationship between two people stands for, and still go on? I don't understand the hypocracy behind it all but for the first time I do understand

the meaning of anger. The kind that started in my heart when she called and slowy moved to my mind when he didn't disagree. It's a gradual process because all the while denial is slipping slowly along the path and I'm stopping to think that this must be wrong. Give it ten minutes and I'm sure this will be all cleared up. That's what we all thought- deeming his character!

We were all caught up in his lies and his facad. It really got to me though. I can't remember how many times I said, "No go out and explore who you are...don't set limits upon yourself". And he said he might agree if not for an amazing girl (that amazing girl would be me). His dedication and persistence was charming, and his gentlemen attributes were the cherry toppings. It wasn't until two days before reality came back that I started to accept it and even want it.

He didn't get anything besides my company. So naturally I'm going to be drawn to the differentiality of his character compared to the typical college guy.

Accidental Lies.

It took me, just some girl to be dragged into it, to make him realize how much he loved someone else. How horrible would I feel if I was attatched to him? What if I truly cared? The damage is done, but it was so close to being much more. So close...

To my face and my voice, I was gorgous and amazing. To her I was this annoying girl who kept throwing myself at him. (Way to switch the roles around!) That's the hardest to hear, that according to him speaking to her, I was some girl who didn't get the picture...When it was him who persued me.

How do you get past that? How do you see someone everyday and hold back the anger inside? Is that even possible?

I will not allow someone to pry their way into my life and my world only to be shit on. I will not confide in someone with trust, only to be exposed when promised not to be. I won't submerge myself into a routine that I thought was comfortable only to realize that it appears now that I'm some stupid girl who doesn't get it. I will not look like a homewrecker. But I was. And I am.

I'm at a point where should I sit down, or stand up while I scream? Where should I go to make this embrassment eleviate? Home? Well here I am in Clearwater all the way from Jacksonville and it's not gone. I sought out someone else for an hour and it's still here in my heart.

And I know they are having the best time of their lives tonight. I know the smile he's got on his face...it's the same one he used on me yesterday.
How do I get past that?
(No cries...no sadness...just anger. Just pure disgust with someone who dared to enter my life with those kinds of intentions. I will make him wish he never met me. She told me he would try to call me, that he would try to talk to me. She said he wants to be my friend and that she trusts the two of us now. I laughed heartily and assured her with confidence that we will never be in the same room unless at Work. And I will not look at him, nor will I so much as allow myself to know he is within ten feet of me. I know if he is, and I know it...there's no telling what will come out of my mouth. My words are cold and I don't want them to hurt him...even though he hurt me)

Jokes Over...Right?- (warning this is a bull shit post)

Ok...it was funny like...the first three months- but now it's getting scary.

I thought it was going to be one of those things where I suffered for awhile but not after some professional help. Well considering it's been way over 6 months and I'm still in pain is just a little bit nerve wracking.

Am I going to go through the rest of my life with neck and back pains? I'm 19 years old and I can't even lift two high chairs at work. It's ridiculous. I ask someone for help to carry something and they look at me like, "Are you joking?"

NO I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING I'M PRACTICALLY AN OLD WOMAN TRAPPED IN THIS COLLEGE GIRL'S BODY, NOW FUCKING HELP ME DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bitter? Me? Nah...

can't go volunteer for my education class tomorrow because I have to get a LUMBAR SPINE MRI. That's great....

Mark Mark Mark....where do I begin? Valentine's Day was nice. We went to dinner and I got some pretty flowers and some chocolate covered strawberries! (yay) Tried to score but that wasn't exactly on the agenda so I was left with "blue balls" I guess you could say. But now I'm a little glad it didn't happen...
I might like him. Don't know yet. (I do like him, I just don't know how much)
Like...he's most likely everything I'd want in a boyfriend (i think). But...I don't know yet. His ex girlfriend calls him like 20 times a day and she sent him flowers for Vday....weird. It's kinda sketchy like maybe since they talk so much he might just want to be with her agian ya know. Whatever dude....

Heading to Gville this weekend. FOR A DAMN BREAK. I took off work which should be nice and get to relax and play with the fat Baily! I bet the pup is getting so big now. I haven't been there in like a month so I'm excited. I do however, have some HW to do. I have this big essay that I have to do so that should be very fun.
I have class in like 30 minutes till 9pm- woop woop. then it's the library for math and a paper due in Education tomorrow. Life is great.
Math sucks...I failed the first exam which is bad! I have a quiz on Friday so I need to do very well. I'm going to practice tonight and then agian tomorrow night. It's Hildy's bithday on Thursday so we got her some good stuff and we are goin to Carrabbas to eat. Ok well...time to go get ready for class. Nothing too insightful today but I just kinda wanted to put my life in mind on a blank pad.

It Had To Be You

Anyone else and there would be no doubt in my mind as to the wonderful possibilities that could happen (anyone care to concur?). It's those really nice guys that throw you off and make you question whethor or not this scheme would even work. So should you?

Instead of worrying about an STD you'll be pacing the floor about catching his HEART! It's pretty much a given that you are farely new at the game with only one experience behind the bat that throws it out of the park. So...your a rookie. Cause the first three are like, whoa. And I'd hate to be the second one to brake anyone in. Especially a nice guy.

So I'm wondering...if the situation arises (Which I really wish it would) and we are both in altered states (Even the slightest!)....should I?

Realistically speaking if it's something you would want to pursue seriously, hardcore kissing should be the farthest the moment should be taken to. But if not...why not!?

So the question at hand is...it's Valentines Day...and I'm single...and I don't know how serious I am at the moment....
Should I?
could i even? didn't stop to think about that now did i...

Sexually...There Is No Growing up...


[From those random nights where strangers meet amidst chaos and alcohol. We only initiate mystery and warmth in order to reach the desire that soon fades (because we're so inebriated).

Suddenly your walking out( shoes and sweater in hand cause you don't want to waste the time in that same room to put them on) quicker than he can say the word "Leave".

there will be absence from now until another party comes along and you recognize that face but can't quite put your thumb on an identity. Standing alone you'll ponder scenarios where you might have met and before you know it he's in front of you and out is comes from your mouth and his mind,

"Hey! How are you doing, I had sex with you like two weeks ago...what's your name agian?"]

If You Walk Out On Me- I'm Walking After You

It's tough when you start talking to someone new. I think one of the hardest things is deciphering whethor nor this situation your placed in is a product of lonliness or reason...?

I can't tell today if I want someone to want me, because nobody else worthwhile does. That's a tough thing to grasp because it involves being completely honest to yourself. Me...? Well I've simply been ignoring the question or switching the thoughts in my head when it does arise.

I won't deny that there's doubt in my heart in regards to seeing this boy of the week farther into more weeks that turn to months...?
Confusion deriving from the fact that this could be different. And typically any relationship that stands for change out of my normality of love-
I'm thinkin' no way. But why? Why when every other guy I've dated wasn't right for me. I can't date the guys I want because they don't have the same morals and views as I do. Those guys who generally don't fit into the category I'm accustomed to, could be the greatest relationship of my life. (Jeremy is the exception b/c it was forced)

I'm going to say that I don't think you should convince yourself or write about these things if you meet someone because your just supposed to know. But what about my junior year with Dan? I thought I liked him and then I knew I didn't and then I totally did. There was so much doubt but in the end it seemed that I fell more for him than he did me.
So am I supposed to think that maybe this could be another one of those situations?

I'm too weighed down by school to get involved with a superficial jerk who is going to play games. I just think that if I were to date this one, there wouldn't be much stress or worrying about what's going to happen-
I could ask instead of wonder (yeah I know...crazy!)

I Guess For A Brief Moment I forgot...

That we loathe the very room that holds us together, let alone the sight of our faces in tandem to each other. We throw out those words that contradict the welcome mat under our feet until our eyes catch sight of the bedroom door closed tight.

Two years ago I would never believe that a combative relationship could turn intimate with one thought of the possibilities. Because we both know what comfort could bring us together for a few hours behind the door. It's the only room we can tolerate each other in...
Until we turn the lights back on

She Doubts...Affirms...And Doubts Agian [a not so poetically talented post: ]

Being sure of one's self in some situations can come without any additional information other than what you see on the outside. So ofcourse, I have a crush on him...I don't know him!

I think I do...and then I wonder, well do I? I think I do though....

It was my birthday this weekend so I drove 4 hours to home to Clearwater/Tampa and had dinner with momma. Jeremy was quick to say on the phone long distance that he couldn't make it Friday to see me, but then when I got to my house he was all about it. So without saying too much, he definitely takes the cake on being my favorite gift (if you know what I mean).
Saturday night was absolutely nuts...
Worked till 10:30pm and then Hildy and Danielle came to eat with me and give me my *gift*:
A BBZZZZBBBBZZZ (batteries not included dammit!!!)
Lube
Temporary tattoo - "E Z LAY"
Underwear and tank top set depicting my obsession with MARRIAGE

Went out to the Landing and had a blast there till about 3am and took the party back to Luis's house till about 6am. I had a great birthday night truthfully and I wasn't even wasted. I had a small buzz but I still has a lot of fun (suprisingly)

Superbowl was fuuuun. Hildy and Danielle were in the half time show so I didn't hang out with them. Me and Mark hung out pretty much all afternoon and night. Don't really know what to make of it, but we shall see soon enough. We went to starbucks to study but that didn't really work and then we went to Jeremy's for the party. I had a good time I was just so exhausted that I layed in the chair for the whole night and dozed in and out of sleep. Oh well...

SHOWER THEN DINNER FOR TWO.........
yikes.......
im nervous