The Day I Forgot To Write down... [a work in progress- improper use of grammer, mis spelling, and ackwardness of sentences is possible...ill edit once i get it out of my head]
that day was weird.
The night before was Sunday, and we had been speaking on the phone but only on random occasions. Our talks were breif, short on the weather and sometimes our individual plans for the upcoming weeks. If I didn't ask him what he would be up to, I'd feel estranged as though my life wasn't complete without some sort of knowledge of his. When we let each other into our lives, it was quite comforting to know every detail. I knew that when my alarm went off in the morning, he was still sleeping. And when I was walking down the courtyard to my second period class, he would be in the shower getting ready for work. But when I stopped allowing him into my life, he did the same as well. So the next day I couldn't be so sure as to whether or not he took the day off to spend it with someone or go some place. It was hard because you can garuntee that my day was set in stone due to school and work. I felt annoyed that he could count on my where abouts, but I had no idea of his.
When we spoke I always made a point to be confident and sure of myself, as though this seperation hadn't done me in. His voice was volunatirly communicating with me across the phone lines, however it was still cold and sometimes when his words hit my ears I often looked down at my arms to find goosebumps.
It took awhile to get the point across. He spoke of the new one in his life just not being for him, and how his heart wasn't in the right place by being with her. Which lead to his having the next day off to go to the beach and relax. How, why, and what my intentions were in expressing my desire for a beach day are still un clear. Whatever the reason was, I might never know, but none the less he took it as an opportunity to extend an invitation. It wasn't welcoming. It was the kind of invite that someone might give with hesistation and doubt, but not wanting to make the other feel bad.
But our plans were just words twenty-four hours in advance and I felt that I could take on the day without any uncomfort. It wasn't until I heard the bell ring at 10:50am and tiffany's loud voice asking me what my day looked like, that I realized the speed in which my heart was pounding. I put her hand on my chest and she looked at me with questions in her eyes like, are you ill? It was an impulse thing and I could never tell her what I was doing, so I played it off like it was her who had that giddy affect on me. We laughed like we always do about our homosexual jokes and I explained that,
"I actually have to work a double so I'm heading straight to work now..."
She might reach across my desk and slap me, if I told the truth. Her passion and persistence in hating the relationship I had with him, was very evident. And though I didn't want to lie to my best friend about something I needed support with, I knew that this morning wasn't the opportune moment.
I drove sluggishly down the road and passed my street. My mind had a tug of war contest about whether to go back and change or just speed to the beach out of anxiousness. My impulsive decision lead me to the driveway and back inside my house. Though I purposely wore my bathing suite under my clothes to school to save time, I felt a need to re-evaluate my appearance. I stood in front of the mirror sideways and inhaled deeply to find out how far was too far. I didn't look natural with a full gulp of air in my lungs, so I opt for slight amount and realized it looked better than just letting it all hang loose. Again I fought with myself over the black, green, or white bikini. Deeming he'd already seen me in black I praised myself for coming back to change and it was my justifaction for an unnecessary trip. I cursed myself the whole way to the beach for being inefficient, but I guess it took some trying to find out that black suited me better than any other.
i called him to let him know i was parking in the outback plaza, and then i saw his truck. still white and big like it was before. maybe i thought it would look different since we were, and there had been other girls in that front seat. it was hard to swallow the ideas that there were other memories made by someone else in a truck that belonged to me for what seemed like so long. I almost felt like I had superiority and any other girl's experiences were mundane comapred to mine. i looked away and tried to dismiss thinking how he would drive to dunedin and I'd greet him outside still barely one leg out of the door. I'd look over and see Harley waiting anxiously for me in the backseat; the backseat where a thousand times I reached for CDs lying on the seat, only to choose none of his collection.
I started to walk down to the pier, eyes peeled with my hand over my forehead to block the sun. He used to tell me that my eyes were so sensitive to the light because they were such a beautiful color of blue. I said that was just an excuse to compliment me, and he agreed.
I found his body lying on the sand, waiting for me, though playing it off like he could handle my absence without any sadness. he didn't look at me very long or hard like he used to. maybe it hurt his eyes to see my body agian and my existence that potentially ruined his. He looked a little more tired than I last remembered, and there was a sense of grief and age in the crevices of his forehead. I reverted back to the days when I didn't often see strain in his features and then recalled the agonizing nights I put him through not even two months before this day. I'm sure he knew what I was thinking as I stood above him, and that made me feel guilty. And I know the slight joy in his heart when he realized the affect it had on me.
I tried to be the apathetic one. I attempted to make the day seem so trivial, though it was not in the slightest. I tried to smile like I used to, so that maybe he'd not recognize this same face that was once stone cold and prominent in my lies.
I giggled with flirtation in my voice and asked him to rub baby oil on me with a sneaky look, as if to dismiss the pain i had given him. I knew the answer two minutes before I even asked him. I'm sure he took that question as salt on the wound because we both knew the emotions that would come flowing from his touch once his hands hit my skin, and the sadness would be quite evident as he left his mark across the backs of my legs and up my shoulders. i should have apologized but i simply started rubbing myself down.
we took a walk, far enough apart so that we couldn't even touch by accident. the distance between our slowly moving bodies was the time apart and change we'd undergone. I felt displaced not being close to him, considering the last time we were together he was on top of me with a sense of security that it would never be any other way.
"want to swim"? i said with a grin already knowing why he had an unamused look upon his face.
it was too cold. but i started to wade in anyhow in hopes that he'd follow. I looked for his shadow behind me and wondered how I would loosen him up. I motioned for him to come deeper and he looked at me like a cat would a tub full of water. I threatened with a laugh to splash him, but promised I wouldn't because the water was so freezing
"just like your heart"
all day i heard painful words put into light, joking sentences. we both knew he was telling the truth but he needed a softer way to let me know that he wasn't over it. I avoided the obviously touchy subjects because I already knew what I had done, why would I want to hear more about it.
i tried to touch him as we walked down the beach and he backed away, possibly with the thought in mind that he might catch whatever ruthless fever i had. Before we found our way back to our towels i had him facing me as freezing cold waves crashed agianst our knees. A million ideas rushed through both our heads. I wondered what kind of power I had over him to put him to his knees and why hadn't I used it for our benefit instead of my own? I looked down when I remembered the days after I left him and placated his pathetic voice on the phone, lying to him and making promises that I thew in a trash can on my way out the door.
Most likely he pondered what kind of person he fell in love with.
"Why did she have to change?" he thought scoping out every inch of my body. There was something about me he could never resist and he'd go the extra mile or a few hundred just so I knew that. Thinking to himself all of the effort and faith he had in me, he seriously ran through the ideas of never giving out his heart agian. We searched eachother's souls and tried to get into our minds but it was nothing but silence and reflecting on our relationship.
Realizing bitterly the events that lead up to this hour, we looked at eachother for a few more akward seconds before thinking out loud about lunch. Anything to break the ice...
to be continued.....
