The Only Thing A Girl Should Be Chasing Is A Shot

And that's exactly what I heard when I answered his call...

Drove to his house...

And agreed to fall asleep there...

It's not like I haven't done it before, but that voice in my head was so prominent you would have thought it was the very beginning of unfortunate events to come.

Maybe in the beginning I wondered and looked around in suspicion...but you have to honestly evaluate someone and take that into consideration when passing any kind of judgement.
With that being said I felt much better in closing my eyes and allowing sleep to overcome my exhausted body...

It's almost just the challenge and the frusteration in knowing that this person next to you, could take it or leave it and walk away without any dissatisfaction.

"No," you think, "I may not want it to be more, but knowing I could is fulfilling enough..."
Oh the games we play

Leave The Light On...I'll Never Give Up On You

It fills your heart with anxiety to the point where you might honestly wish to go through the receiver of the telephone and find her on the other side. It isn't until you reach the realization that you don't even know what she looks like now, since the last time you saw her, that those thoughts dissapate and reality is restored:

Distance Matters...

I know where she is, and I know the thoughts and dreams that plague her every day. Wasn't that the very example of myeslf not even a month ago? Wasn't it I who was calling her while throwing my grief through the phone lines across the country?
Through the reflection on the large, blank TV screen I saw my pitiful silouhette next to the ironically contrasting, beautiful christmas tree. And it was to her that my voice flowed with comfort because I knew how lame it all sounded-
But a sister never judges.

My consolation derives from the sense that I'm not alone and there have been many like this, before me. So I crawl down to her level and go back into the crevices of my mind to find those heartaches and feelings she's surrounded in today. It's not just the dreadful experiences from December 04' that I find, it's everything from this past year. And if for a second she knows that I've seen the worst right along with her, and I've dug my own grave and jumped in the coffin too-
Temporary Relief might be in sight.

She'll see him agian though, just as I saw them too many times after seperation, and she'll seek the only love she can find in the potent ingredients of a bottle and even in the unfamiliar arms of another. And she'll cry tears of pain with the honest opinion that they will not stop stinging her cheecks

But she will stop...
and though it makes no sense today, or tonight when she falls asleep with reminders of him on yesterday's memory,
Tommorrow and the day after that, she will take this and apply what she has learned to her character and find herself a stronger woman

I May Hate Myself In The Morning But I'm Gonna Love You Tonight


How many times will I wake up to someone else's unfamiliar breath on the back of my neck before I finally realize that I have to go farther back into the night to change it- not just the minutes before.

It wouldn't be on my mind unless I was biting my lower lip while closing my eyes wondering, "What would it be like?" It's a curiousity for the unknown but sometimes the ease in which it is to find out, makes me tempted all the more.

I wouldn't ask the question without already knowing the answer, And he certainly wouldn't say no without understanding the unspoken agreement that goes along with, 'Can I go home with you?'

So us winding up in each other's arms for the night while stating to each other through uncertain eyes that, yes, we do belong here together
As if to placate each other and actually believe that one of us is fooling the other-
Not ourselves

Turned into another regret that goes along with some sad song on the radio that I listen to on the way home. And most the time I can fall asleep without remorse and justify it with some ode to college line- but am I truly dismissing the trouble that adds up in my heart? Is it even humanly possible to forget that I need 10 fingers and 2 toes to see every face that I let in?

This time I'm not pacing back and forth by the phone honestly questioning Why he hasn't called. I'm almost at their point now, where I don't want a call. But I am agian writing about some travesty that could have been avioded if not for my promiscious mind (oh yeah- I blame my imagination for this one...does that even work as an excuse?) and easily persuaded personaility-
Repeating over and over to the point where silence could never be restored that I'm not like those girls anymore who stay consistent with their beliefs and firm in their morals.

But Me? I'm like water colors...I wash away

You Visualize These Sort Of Things At Night- But You Never Think It Will Happen

But just as all hope was lost and I was on my way to forgetting about it all,I saw him. Last semester I spent the minutes in which he was before me wondering, "What could I say that wouldn't sound too interested but at the same time not un-interested". Well I wasted a whole 5 months wondering if he would actually want to talk to me so now I think I'll just DO IT.

I was walking back to my dorm from Core II when I looked up (I swear it all happened in slow motion) the wind blew my hair over my eyes and when I unveiled them- there he was. IT WAS LIKE A DREAM! We held eachother's eyes for a good 10 seconds before breaking a smile. You know, eye contact is great but it can only take you so far. After the 8 second threshold it starts getting embarassing and blushing is quite frequently a side effect. I'm sure I was blushing or giggling nervously- the whole nine yards!

But wouldn't you say I ought to talk to him? The next time I see him just stop him and say,
"Oh hey! Well I think I'm in love with you but I don't really know you. And I waited all of the fall semester watching you and trying to think of something witty to say- but I don't have anything to say...so yeah...wanna get married or what?"
[Yeah I guess you could say we're getting pretty serious] hahaha
I think he's in love with me and he just doesn't know it yet. There's a post from back in October or September about him. I think that it's a sign and it's MORE THAN LIKELY I will be married to him within 5 years. Yeah that sounds about right...
(I'm joking 99% out of 100%)

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing


This morning when I woke up I felt guilty:
I did my daily routine of remorse while reminiscing(sp) through our box of memories kept in a drawer under my bed. It amazes me that the smile I look at is trapped and goes no further than the edge of those papers. I won't see it anymore...

But today was like starting to ween myself off a night light. Though it brings comfort and security- I'm on my way to discovering the benefits of darkness. Don't misconstrue the situation because I still need it sometimes, it's only natural, I've had it consistently for the past few months. Forgetting sometimes can be a good sign, and I sleep so much better.


Needless to say when we parted this afternoon after a brief encounter, I expected the tears and agonizing moans in plea of you. Instead I briefly stated the ridiculous manner in which he looked and my strong feelings agianst men- and thereafter forgot it. (weird?)
_____
Met another Navy character...go figure! Do I have a sign on me that says, " I want military men?" Army Guy can kiss my ass, Navy 1 can sink on his ship, and I don't even know what to say about Navy 2 yet...? (It's not alot but they are all in a row)
I was suprised though, his manners and attitude. Very nice. But I heard through the grape vine this morning that he was quote, "only in it for the ass". Wow, what do I say to that? I slept in his bed (for a little while anyways) with no shirt on (I was getting a massage...get your mind out of the gutter sicko!) and he didn't try anything. I judged his character and it was seemingly genuine? weird...

I have nothing to write about...weird

Show Me How Defenseless You Really Are

The two of them both show the strength and devotion that it takes to keep a promise.

I don't think I'm ready or at the point they are, to make that decision with the intent to keep it.


School isn't coming along the way it did last semester. I guess I could credit that to having a social life. I have homework but no books, three classes which jeopardizes my florida pre paid so I have to go to the advising office and find a third class.
I'm so stressed it's sickening...

Hunch Punch Has The Power (this is a drunken post)

To show your what you never thought possible.
Went to two parties tonight, both not lasting too long.

Saw him that I never really wish to see agian. But then agian, It's the seemingly simple act of involvement that draws one to the other- so I really do want to see that person. In a perfect world one of these guys will find a part in their heart to say the word and forever it would be.

Silly.

My wisdom teeth are coming in. I didnt' realize it until today. We went to Carrabbas and I noticed it. Ouch. I can feel it under my gums...ew.

Watching Napoleon Dynomite and I want some tots...mmmm hmmm..!!

I want a BF, about the whole hunch punch, I think it's the alcohol that makes me want him not the heart. Hard to decipher between the tow huh? VERY
GOODNIGHT MOON

Cause We're Always Fucking But You Never Tell Me Why

I guess some night or another when nothing is completely out of the ordinary something finally triggers in the mind that this, this passed out right beside me with no regard for my feelings...

Is wrong

All it took was the presence of my inhibitions which were usually destroyed by alcohol to notice every detail in an instant. Not just my self-image (or lack there of) but a brief analysis of how I'm presenting myself...to myself.

The compromising situations don't end and in my perfect world I could put them into a box and barter them with someone else's life components, but they have their own stash waiting to be sold as well.

Seeking refuge in the first welcoming eyes and lonely bed, I thought that I wasn't one of those girls that was seen as nothing other than what they wanted. But what would make me so different from all the rest? I'm sure that last night was intended to be a score, but what about all the other ones? I guess what I've come to realize is that whether he wants you within the first hour or week, whether he expresses interest by phone or in person...it's all the same incentive. Don't trust anything that comes along with sex because hour long conversaions and the dinner/movie dates all revolve around what lies behind those acts.
It's a complex way of getting what you want and in this society lying has become a second nature, even a virtue.

If anything positive can be pulled of it all, at least I know that I'm not the only baffled soul looking for answers.

If It Wasn't Love Then What Was It

I toss back and forth the idea
Of washing my face
At 3am

No
I'm already in bed
Besides, I didn't wear that much make-up today
I'm lying

My imagination suddenly plays tricks on me
And I'm under the red comforter agian
Lying on your side of the bed
Just because it's yours

Our hands are clasped tight
And my leg fits perfectly between yours
because you sleep with your right leg at a 90 degree angle

I know all it would take is to open my eyes
And the sweet torture would end
But they are slammed shut, like a dresser drawer
I used too much force and now
I can't open it
I'm lying agian

Not until I fall deeper into my mind
Do I recall that day I decided every fortune unfurled from a cookie meant you and
The realization of misfortune was enough to remind me of how much

Mascara I coated over my sad eyes.
Shooting my body up, as if to wake from a bad dream
I mope to the bathroom to wash

My face

I Close My Eyes And Sometimes See You In The Shadows Of This Smoke Filled Room

And so starts the beginning of a long period of absence for each of us. We won't talk agian for a good month possibly even more until one caves in on the next holiday or big event. Though every time the phone rings we wonder in the back of our minds, "Is it him" "Is it her"

It will not be me calling him I know for sure, and since we know each other well enough he'll be the one to call because he knows it too. Though my "luck" may change, but I've done so much worse to him I don't see why he wouldn't call.

As for the other one...I can see him getting back to town and finding our picture on his mirror initiating a bit of remorse and desire to call. With that in mind I may wait a few days before this coming Sunday to give him a call. I'm not desperate for his love, I just need some consistent attention.

Let's set the scene: (scale of 1 to 10, ten being the best one the worst)

Nestled in the couch warmly---> 8
Pup curled up beside me---> well it could be a 1 and it could be a 10! Just depends on how optimistic I am....so I'm gonna give it a 1
Old Poetry submitted to magazine---> 10
Sitting here looking at the blank screen realizing my creative juice has run low---> negative 1,000

No problem...I've written some interesting posts these past few weeks...

Watch Your Broken Dreams Dance In And Out Of The Beams Of A Neon Moon

About this time last year I was doing the same thing. Writing about the ease it was in which to find a "partner" but the lack of love in each. My 2004 brought a series of unfortunate relationships; each missing the boat every time. (I believe that's the expression...not sure?)

Psycho Ex, DHS, Abercrombie, and Chris, wanting/loving me...and me not so into it for the long term.
Me obsessively loving Jason...and him not so into it for any terms but his own.

It's the end of that year and with it is supposed to come the newness and fresh start of a beginning. But It's the second day into the new year and I feel the same as I did during my graduating year. I'm still missing the boat while thinking I can still make it if I just hurry up or take a short cut.

The day won't come quick enough when I find the person who will put an end to that monotonous search. A thousand tiny ants will be exposed from under a log in my child like search for you

Brought in the New Year with a small bang...nothing too crazy except my attitude when I'm drunk apparently. Screwed up a friendship that was already twisted and wasted, made out with the hottest guy I've seen since...(I don't know), and talked trashy to a few friends that called to wish me well. Good times...

Realized that no, Mike isn't giving me time to breathe...he's cutting me off. What a complete 180 huh? That's fine I was skeptical and hesitant as it was, but still hopeful. I don't care who it is, a woman always hopes that the mutual interest between her and her current boyfriend is the permanent one. Who doesn't want to find that one person? That search is what wakes me up every morning and stimulates my mind to push forward. It's exciting not knowing what each day brings and who may cross my path. In the back of my mind I'm dressing for the possibility of running into him and the love that luminates my eyes is put there by someone who doesn't even know we (as one) exist yet.

Sleeping is for dreamers...good night. Perhaps I'll see you there